Just Making Things Harder

“This is Suicide Season.”

A riff, too slow to be for any normal song of Oli’s, began. He glanced over me and smiled a little. I could tell, it was pained.

The riff continued, and then finally, Oli began.

“We stare at broken clocks, the hands don't turn anymore,
The days turn into nights, empty hearts and empty places,
The day you lost him, I slowly lost you too.
For when he died, he took a part of you.”

With only that verse, I knew exactly what this song was about. I was in shock. Too much shock to even cry. I looked at Cam, and it seemed like he knew it too. He looked back at me before pulling me into his arms, knowing I’d need it.

“No time for farewells, no chances for goodbyes,
No explanations, no fucking reasons why.
I watched it eat you up, pieces fallen on the floor,
We stare at broken clocks, the hands don't turn anymore.”

I once again, found myself staring at Oli, eyes wide. I had no idea he was doing this. But why was he?

“If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way,
I would climb my way to Heaven, and bring him back home again.
Don't give up hope my friend, this is not the end.”

He face looked pained, like this physically hurt him. I gripped on to Cameron even more, afraid that after this song, I’d lose him again.

“We stare at broken clocks, the hands don't turn anymore.
The days turn into nights, empty hearts and empty places,
The day you lost him, I slowly lost you too,
For when he died, he took a part of you.”

The next part, I didn’t completely know what he was saying, and it gave me a chance to contain myself. As he let out every verse, he slowly got to the floor, leaned over himself, using all his energy to finish off this show. This song.

“Death is only a chapter,
So let's rip out the pages of yesterday.
Death is only a horizon,
And I'm ready for my sun...
I'm ready for my sun to...
I'm ready for my sun...
I'm ready for my sun to set.”

“This is suicide season!”

His voice trailed off, and it slowed down again. His voice dropped to a whisper, using every ounce of emotion he had, and put it into his voice. I could feel it, even from here. I could feel how much pain he was in. How much pain he shared with me, as well.

“If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way,
We would climb our way to Heaven, and bring him home again.
If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way,
We would climb our way to Heaven, and bring him home again.”

He took a breath, bracing himself on the wood paneling surface of the floor.

“This is suicide season..This is suicide season..”

“If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way,
We would climb our way to Heaven, and bring him home again.
If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way,
We would climb our way to Heaven, and bring him home again.”

His voice rose again, shaking as it came from a whisper. I could see him crying, as he crouched on the floor. He shook. He was personally taking on all the pain I had felt when I went through my crisis.

“If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way,
We would climb our way to Heaven, and bring him home again.
We would do anything to bring him back to you.
We would do anything to end what you're going through.”

Finally, he rose up, looking at the crowd first before looking over at me and keeping his eyes there as he finished off the song. He screamed with every bit of himself, and I finally found myself bursting into tears.

“If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way,
I would climb my way to Heaven, and bring him home again.
I would do anything to bring him back to you,
Because if you got him back, I would get back the friend that I once knew.”

Finally, as the song ended, Oli pulled himself off the floor. He was still looking at me. He finally flashed me a smile before turning to his crowd.

“Tha’ song..was writtin’ for a very close friend of mine” He said softly, “Thank yeh fa’ ‘avin’ us. G’night everyone.”

Cam squeezed me once more, assuring me that he was still there, before he released me and let me run into Oli’s sweaty arms.

Neither of us said a word, we just stood there, hugging. Silently assuring each other that everything was fine. Him assuring me that he was there, that Cam was there. And me assuring him that I wouldn’t leave. Not now.