My Best Friend.

I knew having a best friend would fuck me over.
That's why I never had one.
But I let one in.
And now we both hurt.

I never had a best friend, nor did I ever want one.
Yes, I have lots of friends. And they're amazing friends, might I add. Any one of them is worthy of being my best friend.
But this isn't about worth.
I don't ever want to tell somebody they are worth more to me than the person they're standing next to.
I would much rather have a large group of best friends rather than just one.
But I recently had something that was as close to a best friend as I've ever gotten.
And it was fun. Really fun. Sleepovers every weekend, hangouts after school.
She knew my password to everything.
It was pretty amazing.
Where is this friend now?
Gone.
Why?
Because people are idiots.
Plain and simple.
Idiots.
Idiots that make mistakes and say things they don't mean.
Idiots that post stupid things online.
Idiots that spread rumors and talk shit behind people's backs.
And idiots that tell their best friends, to their faces, that they aren't friends anymore.
My life is full of complete idiots.

I am an idiot.
Don't think for a second that I'm putting the blame on everybody else.
I am to blame here too.
And so are you, my best friend.
And everybody else in this stupid thing.
We are all to blame.

If you haven't caught on yet, I've lost what I once called my best friend.
All because of this group of idiots.
This group of idiots that once used to be friends.
Oh, and they were damn good friends.
Best friends I've ever had.

Then shit happened.
The group of friends became two groups of idiots.
With just a few in the middle, left to pick a side.
Oh, and you better pick the right side.
Pick the wrong one?
You get shunned.
And shit-talked.
And death-glared.

I don't pick sides.
Ever.
Unless there is an obvious reason for me to pick a side, I won't.
Especially if both sides are my best friends.

So I was stuck in the middle.
Being tugging from side to side, like one of those cartoon characters.
Yes, I stole that off of Twitter.

I can deny it all I want.
And I do deny it every single day.
But I have to face the truth.
I chose a side.
But it was the wrong side.

Pause button.

Before you get all happy because I just realized I chose the wrong side, listen to this.
Both sides were wrong.
There was never a right side.

Play.

Here I was shoved around.
Told I was stupid.
My thoughts were stupid.
I was wrong.
Always wrong.
My music is emo shit.
My clothing is too dark.
I have a bad choice in friends.
I need to stop standing up for stupid people.
I should just sit in the corner, smile, and nod your head.
Oh, and this group, they liked to shit talk what I used to call my best friend.
And I just sat around.
I never really contributed to the shit talking.
It never felt right.
Talking badly about anybody, especially the person they hated the most.
Who I called my best friend.
So I kept to myself.
Smiled, nodded my head.
Went along with it.

Then they started hating on everybody else.
All my other friends.
And slowly, they started to leave too.
Leaving just us.
This group of idiots.

I want you to understand, that you can't understand.
Yes, that actually does make sense.
Read it over again.
You can't understand what I'm doing.
Who I'm friends with.
Why.
Even I can't understand it.
Why I'm friends with this group of idiots.
They were horrible people.
Yet they're still my friends.
I still have fun with them.
Still go out for pizza.
Still laugh and joke around with.
They're still good people.
I still love them.
I think I'm holding on to the people they used to be.
Before the giant group of idiots split into two.
Back when everything was okay.

Who I once called my best friend, told me right to my face that we weren't friends anymore.
And I turned my back and walked away.
Smiling.

I act like I'm okay.
I act like I agree with what people say.
I act like I don't miss having a best friend.

But I'm not.
And I don't.
And I do.

This 'best friend' called me up, asking me to come back.
They need me back.
Drop everything.
Everyone.
Forget about all the shit.
But I can't do that.
I can't just drop everybody.
They're still my friends.
I wish this 'best friend' would understand that.

I probably sound stupid here.
Sound like an idiot.
None of what I'm writing makes sense.
But then again, it hardly makes any more sense outside of this computer.

I don't really know what the point in writing this was.
I was just staring at a blank page, needing to write something.
And then this started coming out.
I started typing.
I guess I'm just trying to get all of this off my chest.
The truth.

I had a best friend.
I swore I wouldn't.
I'm not happy with my life.
I can't see it getting any better.
I am happy with them.
They treat me a lot better now a days.
I'd be happier if we could be a giant group of idiots.
I know we never will be.
I hate that I chose a side.
It hurts when I look at the pictures.
I wish everything could be okay.
I know it never will be.
I'm afraid of what people think of me.
I claim not to care.
I guess I lied.
Never realized it until now.
I'm afraid of what would happen, what people would say.
I'm afraid they'll see this.
I'm afraid the person I called my best friend will see it.
But I guess that was kind of the point in posting this.
For the best friend to read it.
I hate typing 'the person I called my best friend'.
It's be much easier if I could just typer 'my best friend'.
I don't want to type that.
But I do.
I don't make any sense.
I can't get my head straight.
I can't choose.
Life doesn't make any sense to me.
I'm afraid of life.
I don't regret having a best friend.
I don't want this 'best friend' hurting themself.
I realize I've made a bunch of mistakes.
A bunch of really important mistakes.
I've realized a lot about myself.
But I can't think.
I can't get my head working again.
I'm stuck.

Do I ever want another best friend?
Do I want my old one?
I don't know.
And that's the truth.
About everything.
I don't know.
I don't know how this happened.
I don't know why.
I don't know why I don't say something.
I don't know why I act like I'm fine.
I don't know if I want my best friend back.
I don't even know if I want on in the first place.
I don't know if I want to stay where I am.
I don't know if these people are actual friends.
I don't know if my best friend ever was.
I like to think so, about both of them, but you can never know.
I don't know whether to believe the rumors.
I don't know whether to stand up anymore.
I don't know how to make up my mind.
I just don't fucking know.

Again, this probably doesn't make any sense to people reading this.
If you've read this, and have no idea what's going on, I apologize.
There's only a few people out there who will truely understand what this is about.
Who this is about.
I guess is doesn't really matter.
I just wanted to get my story out there.
And I wanted to apologize.
For what in particular?
I don't really know.
I just feel the need to say sorry.
So, I'm sorry.
Sorry I'm just an idiot.