Non-Existent
Three Weeks Later
I sighed as I got into my car. We had, had another fight, and I was on my way to his house. This was happening a lot lately. He would just get so damn jealous over nothing. The whole idea of being friends with benefits is that you can sleep with that person and there are no attachments. Any time I slept with another guy he would get angry and jealous. He doesn't ever seem to grasp a hold of the concept that there is no room for anger and jealousy in this arranement. I never get jealous when he's with other girls, although it would be pretty hard too, since he hasn't been with any other girls. I pulled up to his drive way and slowly got out of my car. I went up to his door and knocked. I waited, until I heard his foot steps coming towards the door. He opened the door and just looked at me.
"Well you gonna let me in?" I asked.
"When has me inviting you in ever stopped you from coming in?" I raised my eye brow, and went on in. I went and stood in his living room, waiting for him to come over to me.
"Are you done being angry?"
"No, so you can leave." I shook my head, and stood my ground.
"Carson this is exactly what I said would happen. I told you that doing this wouldn't work out. I don't want to do it anymore, so just leave me the fuck alone." I sighed angrily.
"And I told you that I don't want to not be with you."
"Yeah but you also said that you didn't want to be with me either."
"Yes I know that."
"Listen Carson it would just be easier if we didn't do this anymore okay?"
"Dammit Paul, no!"
"Why? What are you getting out of this arrangement? Sex? If it is sex then you can easily get that from other guys. You do get it from other guys. So what is it?"
"I don't know." I mumbled quietly.
"What?"
"I don't know! Okay?!" I practically shouted.
"I just like being with you, I guess. But I don't want a relationship with you. I don't believe in them."
"Why?"
"Because they can lead to feelings, feelings can lead to love, and love can lead to heartbreak. That's why I believe that there is no such thing as love." It was quiet. Neither of us spoke. We just stood there in the silence and did nothing. We both sighed at the same time and then, finally, he spoke.
"Are you fucked up in the head?" I could feel my mouth as it dropped open.
"Seriously I mean, c'mon Carson. No such thing as love? Are you serious? Even I know that's not true. Damn." He shook his head and made his way over to the couch.
"Close your mouth." he said as he settled himself on the couch.
"What the fuck?! You have no reason to judge me on my reasoning or beliefs. And who do you think you are to accuse me of being fucked up in the head?!"
"I'm your damn-" But he quickly shut his mouth before he said the rest.
"Your my what?"
"Nothing, just leave Carson." he snapped.
"Fine." I left.
I got into my car and angrily slammed the car door and zoomed off. Where I was going I had no idea. I just kept driving and I didn't stop for anything. I had no idea why this whole thing upset me so much, but it did. I sighed and pulled the car over to the side of the street. I got out and the cold air hit me. I walked around to the front of the car and got on the hood. I sat there and just thought for a while. I laid back on the hood, and looked up to the sky. I hadn't noticed how dark it had gotten. The stars were already starting to come out.
Looking up at the stars I wondered why this thing with Paul got to me so much. I mean he was the only one I kept going back to. He was the only guy I had ever done more than once. Why couldn't he just go with what he had arranged? It was working okay-ish I guess. Why was this bothering me so much? That was the question that I was having trouble answering. This hadn't ever happened to me before.
These thoughts were making my head hurt. It was so confusing, all of this. Sighing, I got off the hood of my car, and got back in and started driving back home. It took me four hours to get home. I hadn't realized how far and long I had driven. It was practically midnight when I got home. I pulled into my driveway and went inside. The lights were all off, so grandfather must have been in bed. When I got inside everything was dark and quiet, and I was really tired. So I just headed off to bed.
"Well you gonna let me in?" I asked.
"When has me inviting you in ever stopped you from coming in?" I raised my eye brow, and went on in. I went and stood in his living room, waiting for him to come over to me.
"Are you done being angry?"
"No, so you can leave." I shook my head, and stood my ground.
"Carson this is exactly what I said would happen. I told you that doing this wouldn't work out. I don't want to do it anymore, so just leave me the fuck alone." I sighed angrily.
"And I told you that I don't want to not be with you."
"Yeah but you also said that you didn't want to be with me either."
"Yes I know that."
"Listen Carson it would just be easier if we didn't do this anymore okay?"
"Dammit Paul, no!"
"Why? What are you getting out of this arrangement? Sex? If it is sex then you can easily get that from other guys. You do get it from other guys. So what is it?"
"I don't know." I mumbled quietly.
"What?"
"I don't know! Okay?!" I practically shouted.
"I just like being with you, I guess. But I don't want a relationship with you. I don't believe in them."
"Why?"
"Because they can lead to feelings, feelings can lead to love, and love can lead to heartbreak. That's why I believe that there is no such thing as love." It was quiet. Neither of us spoke. We just stood there in the silence and did nothing. We both sighed at the same time and then, finally, he spoke.
"Are you fucked up in the head?" I could feel my mouth as it dropped open.
"Seriously I mean, c'mon Carson. No such thing as love? Are you serious? Even I know that's not true. Damn." He shook his head and made his way over to the couch.
"Close your mouth." he said as he settled himself on the couch.
"What the fuck?! You have no reason to judge me on my reasoning or beliefs. And who do you think you are to accuse me of being fucked up in the head?!"
"I'm your damn-" But he quickly shut his mouth before he said the rest.
"Your my what?"
"Nothing, just leave Carson." he snapped.
"Fine." I left.
I got into my car and angrily slammed the car door and zoomed off. Where I was going I had no idea. I just kept driving and I didn't stop for anything. I had no idea why this whole thing upset me so much, but it did. I sighed and pulled the car over to the side of the street. I got out and the cold air hit me. I walked around to the front of the car and got on the hood. I sat there and just thought for a while. I laid back on the hood, and looked up to the sky. I hadn't noticed how dark it had gotten. The stars were already starting to come out.
Looking up at the stars I wondered why this thing with Paul got to me so much. I mean he was the only one I kept going back to. He was the only guy I had ever done more than once. Why couldn't he just go with what he had arranged? It was working okay-ish I guess. Why was this bothering me so much? That was the question that I was having trouble answering. This hadn't ever happened to me before.
These thoughts were making my head hurt. It was so confusing, all of this. Sighing, I got off the hood of my car, and got back in and started driving back home. It took me four hours to get home. I hadn't realized how far and long I had driven. It was practically midnight when I got home. I pulled into my driveway and went inside. The lights were all off, so grandfather must have been in bed. When I got inside everything was dark and quiet, and I was really tired. So I just headed off to bed.