Rushing Trauma

Sitting back in the lone corner, it seemed slightly quieter then out there. Being back here so long . . . so long . . . so long. Everyone else is out there, having fun. A big group of people all drinking and having fun with each other. I'm not out there though, no. I'm back here in this corner with my third beer in my hand. I'm drinking Coors light, because I know you hate it.

I'm drawn back from the crowd, and everyone is here tonight, celebrating. What is there to celebrate though? She's pregnant, yippee? Who cares? I don't. That's your child . . . I don't want to be a part of the celebration. You were supposed to be mine, not hers.

You probably have forgotten about me. About all the happy times we had. We were going to get married, do you remember that Gee? I remember that. I also remember you telling me one day that gays couldn't get married and that I was slowing your life down. How you wanted to be happy, and that you weren't happy with me. But you're wrong, you were happy with me. You know I won't argue with you though, so I let you leave me that night. You leave me high and dry and alone in our apartment and you haven't come back since. Not to get your clothes, not to take a shower, not to hold my hand . . . you just haven't come back for three long weeks.

What can she give you that I can't? Obviously kids. Boobs. Vagina. I don't see what's so good about that? She'll have hormones flaring and you'll get pissed. I know you will, I know you. Soon you won't want anything to do with her.

But what's that? Is that what I think it is? There's a diamond on her finger now? Oh Gee, she doesn't love you like I do. Why can't you see that? But then again, all night you haven't looked at me. Do I shame you or something? No, I'm back here alone in the corner where no one dare go.

Mikey's here, he's having fun. I guess he's gotten over Gabe. Has Gabe gotten over him? Or is Gabe like me? Wishing he had him back, wishing to hold him again? Is Mikey being stupid, dancing with that girl? I'm sure he is. She isn't that pretty. We've always teased him about bad taste, I didn't know someday he'd prove up with this bad of taste. Maybe he's stupid, just like you, Gee. Maybe the next party I'm forced to go to, and end up sitting in this corner will be Mikey's anniversary party.

Its lonely back here, but you wouldn't know that. You're talking to everyone. You're smiling, like you're proud. What's there to be proud of? I don't see anything worth being proud. All I see is a guy giving up his life for a baby he isn't sure is really his, and a girl whose taken my life. What's so prided about that?

You wouldn't know what love was if it bit you in the ass. It can't be explained. I remember one night you yelled at me. You told me I didn't know the meaning of love. But I do, Gee. And it's you. I didn't fight though. I never fought back. I just let you yell at me. Sometimes you'd yell for an hour straight, until you couldn't yell any more. I'd get you water and aspirin and make sure you got to bed safely and you'd thank me. Does she do that for you? No, I didn't think so.

People say how I'm living isn't healthy. That I live in the past too much. But no one has told me why. I'm happy when I live in the past, pretending the world around me is my own canvas. I like to pretend you're still here with me. It's like a movie, watching it happen all around me. Then something happens like I get a phone call that drags me to this foreign place and I figure out she's pregnant. And I really don't want to hear that, but I smile and nod and take my share in beer and wish I wasn't there.
But I didn't just come here and find out she's pregnant, no. I find out you guys are getting married in three months. Fun, real fun. I'm happy for you! Sure I am. I'm as happy for you as Jeffree Star is straight. But that's okay. Fuck Frankie, who cares, right? He's just the emo kid in the corner with the scars on his arms.

I bet you didn't know about the scars. They line my wrists, and god they hurt. But as much as I do inside though, not as much as that. Its okay though, I'm wearing a sweatshirt so no one will see them because they're ugly, like her. They're ugly like me. I didn't used to be ugly, because you used to like me. I don't know what happened. But now, now I'm ugly.

"He misses you."

The voice is alien to me, I don't know who it is. I don't turn around, because I don't want to know who it is. It won't be you would it, Gee? No, of course not. You're with her, aren't you?

"How would you know? He doesn't care about me..."

I scan the floor in front of me. You're not their.

"Because I know..."

I turn my head, and their your eyes. There are a million apologies in your eyes. They looks sad, you eyes. I bite on my lip, looking at you. The dark ebony hair is falling into your golden brown eyes, and god, I fell in love all over again. I brushed the hair from your eyes slightly and you put a hand on my knee. It sends chills up and down my spine and I can't believe you're touching me.

"Why aren't you out their with her? " I ask, interrupting the silence that had been holding up hostage. The air was hostile around us.

"Because I miss you, Frankie..." He whispered in a gentle voice.

"No you don't! " I argue and stand up, the bottle crashes on the ground and the liquid spills all over the floor. "You don't miss me, and you never have nor will you ever. You love her, you don't know who I am! "

"Stop fooling around Frank, they're watching.." you say with scared eyes, like you're afraid she'll find out you're doing something. Like she'll find out you're back here telling me lies.

"I'm not fooling around! Stop it, stop, no, no, no!" I hiss with hatred bearing in my eyes. You're scared, I can read it on your face. Everyone is watching us and I feel a hand on my shoulder and I shove them back and I hear a 'thud', meaning they fell back. There was a muttered 'fuck' and I knew it was Mikey, and I felt bad. But I wasn't me then, I was someone else. I was someone I didn't want to be but I, me, me-me, was gone on some vacation by that moment.
Tears filled my eyes, knowing you were mocking me, Gee. How could you mock me like that? Its not fair.

"Frank, settle down...."

"I can't!" I cry out, tears draining down my cheeks like a little baby. Feeling completely worthless, everyone looking at me like I was some kind of animal. I felt like sobbing and screaming but I couldn't, I just couldn't.

You stand up and come close to me, but I step back and you don't move. You do n't want me to move away from you again.

"Just go away.." I mumbled.

"Frank, listen..." you try and persuade.

"Go! "

"SHUT UP! " You're finally broken, and you yell. But you don't only yell because their's a burning, stinging feeling in the side of my face, my head swinging sharply to the side and I stumble back, gripping the side of my face.

I can't believe you just hit me.

I hear gasps from all around us, and the music that had once been making me nauseous with its constant thumping was suddenly cut, and I feel tears sting into my eyes.

Your eyes are burning with fury, I can feel them because I am to afraid to look directly at you.

I hear a tiny petite voice from behind me say "Gerard..." but then immediately stop. What are you trying to do now? No one is obviously stopping you. I'm not stopping you. I just don't care anymore. Whatever happen, happens. And I bet I'll regret every bit of it later, but that's my problem, not yours.

Next thing I know, someone's lifting my china and forcing me to look at them. That person is you, Gee. You're smiling, but its not a evil hostile smile. Your eyes are sparkling and your face is hovering so close to mine, I can feel your warm breath. Your hair is falling into your eyes just perfectly, and I adore it. I love it, I yearn for it.

"What're you doing, Gerard?" That small petite voice asks you and you just grin like a mad man and press your lips hungrily to mine, our body's colliding together. I'm whole again, I can't believe you made me whole. Again.

I think that's when I woke up. Just about then, when the kiss depend.

I looked at the bed side, and you weren't there. Because you can't be there.
How can you be there when you died a year ago? You're not there... and you're not here. We all miss you, but not as much as me, Gee. You're son, he's growing into a fine boy. He reminds me of you. I take care of him now, he's 4. Eliza didn't want him anymore. He's legally mine.

Rush Arthur Iero Way, catchy ain't it?

You missed your funeral, you would've loved it. It was beautiful. I didn't want to cremate you, but that's what you want. You're in Belleville right now, like you wanted to be. Spread across the field where we two fell in love.

Sometimes I ask myself, was it my fault you were murdered? Was it my fault you got that gun to your head in the middle of our living room?

The more I think about it, the more I realize it was.

Because I'm the one who killed you, Gee.

I'm your murderer.