The Middle

The next day couldn’t come faster for Ryan. He jumped on my bed and woke me up really early.

“Claire!! Wake up! You have a lunch date with Patrick Kane!!”

I just laughed and rubbed my eyes before opening them seeing my little brother lying on top of me with a grin the size of the Grand Canyon on his face.

“Okay, okay! I’m up!” Ryan got off me and went back to sit on his bed and I got out of my bed. I walked to the bathroom to do the “routine”. You know, morning pee, brush your teeth, the whole nine yards. After I came out I looked at the clock. It was already 9:00. I have two hours until Patrick would be here. I reached under my bed and grabbed my bag of clothes. I had hoped I had packed an extra change of clothes. Luckily, I did.

As soon as I finished changing, I saw the Ryan was colouring on his bed. I walked to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. Ryan looked up at me.

“Claire, you look so pretty. Pat’s gonna love you.”

I laughed. “I’m only doing this for you, buddy, and I look like I do every other day.”

Ryan chuckled. “I know, but you always look pretty. I just never tell you enough, and thank you. I know you’re doing this for me, but you didn’t have to agree.”

“Ry, you know I’d do anything to make you happy. If me going out to lunch with Patrick Kane makes you happy, no matter how much I’d rather spend my time here with you, then I’ll do it.”

Just then a knock came to the door. “Come in!” Ryan hollered.

Patrick walked in. He had a small bouquet of flowers in his hand. There was a Bird of Paradise in the middle of it. They were my favourite flower. I looked at Ryan after I glanced at the flowers and he just grinned like a Cheshire cat.

“Hi Patrick.” I said as he handed me the flowers.

“Hey. Hi Ryan, what’s up, buddy?”

Ryan smiled at Patrick.

“Not too much. You here for your date?”

Patrick chuckled and I rolled the eyes.

“Well, it’s not really a date. You asked me to take your sister out to lunch. I’m doing this for you.”

Ryan gave me a sideways glance.

“That’s exactly what Claire said. You sure you guys aren’t already dating behind my back?”

I burst out laughing. I looked over at Patrick and his face fell a bit.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you by that. I’m laughing at the fact that my brother thinks that a hockey player would ever date his sister.”

Pat softly chuckled to himself.

“Oh, well I can’t see why they wouldn’t. You’re pretty, funny, and you put your family first. All three are very admirable qualities for a companion.”

“See, Claire! I told you!”

I rolled my eyes at both of them. Pat turned to me.

“Well, you ready to head out? The faster we get out of here, the faster we can get back and I can tell Ryan his surprise.”

Ryan’s eyes almost bulged out of his head. “GO! Get out of here! What are you still doing here?”

Both Pat and I began to laugh as we left Ryan’s room. As we walked down the hall I could’ve sworn I saw the one machine I thought I’d never see again go towards Ryan’s room.

----------------------

At the restaurant

Pat took me to a small Italian restaurant for lunch. He ordered chicken parm for himself and I ordered the same.

“So, Ryan told you he asked me to take you out?”

I shook my head at him. “No, I asked him and then he admitted he did it. I don’t know why he thinks I need to get out. I love spending time with him.”

“Maybe he wants to live a little, maybe find someone else to lean on after…”

“STOP! That’s exactly what he said to me last night. I don’t want to think about that right now. I just want to enjoy the time I have left with him. He’s not dead yet, and I’m not going start acting like he’s going to die tomorrow. He’s still got a good year or so left in him.”

I realized at that moment that after saying that to more than one person in less than 24 hours that I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince more, them or myself.

“Look, Claire, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get you upset. I was just trying to give a suggestion as to why Ryan would want you to get out. I’m sorry, forget I said anything.”

I felt guilty. Here Pat was, just trying to be nice, and I was being rude.

“No, it’s not your fault. I just came to the realization that I don’t know who I’m trying to convince that he’s not going to die more, you or me.”

I put my head down. I just wanted to get back to Ryan. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I was beginning to panic not knowing what he was doing at that very moment. Pat must have noticed that I wasn’t having any fun, because the next thing I knew, there were two Styrofoam containers on the table between us. I looked up at Pat.

“Let’s go. Clearly, you don’t want to be away from Ryan right now.”

I sighed. “I’m sorry, Pat.”

“Don’t be. I would probably be the same way if it were one of my sisters in Ryan’s shoes.”

I smiled at him, which he responded to with one of his own. And with that, we walked back to his car.
____________________

FF to Claire and Pat arriving at the hospital

Pat and I walked in with our food and made it Ryan’s door. I looked at the door and my hand covered my mouth.

“No. No, this can’t be happening.” I walked over to the nurse’s desk. “Nat, what’s going on? Why is Ryan getting tests? You said he was done with them.”

I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. Pat came up behind me and began to rub my back. I took the food out of my hands and set it on the counter. Nat turned to me with a look of concern.

“Claire, while you were gone, Ryan’s body went into shock. We don’t know what caused it. But they’re running test to stabilize him right now.”

The tears were now running freely down my face. I opened my mouth to speak, but Patrick beat me to it.

“When did this start? How long after we left?”

Nat shrugged her shoulders.

“I’m not sure. I’d have to see five, 10 minutes after you guys left. He was crying, I could see that.”

I turned to Pat. “I knew I shouldn’t have left him. Look at what happens when I leave him.”

Pat pulled me into a hug. “Claire, this is not your fault. He asked you to get out. You were doing what you thought would make him happy. Don’t blame yourself for this.”

I pulled away from Patrick slightly. “But, what if he..?”

“Don’t think like that. Ryan wouldn’t want you to think like that. Stay positive. He’ll come out of this. He’s a strong boy.”

I nodded, but the tears wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t help but think I did this. The one time I leave him during the time I usually spend with him, he goes into shock.

I walked up to the window of Ryan’s room. I could slightly see the doctors working to get him stable again. I could hear Pat walk up behind me.

“Looks like your surprise isn’t going to be needed.” I said but my eyes didn’t leave my brothers limp body.

“Claire, I’m sorry.”

I turned to see Pat have tears in his eyes.

“Oh, Pat, surely you don’t think this is your fault.” He just shrugged and pointed to Ryan. “Pat, my brother adores you. He wants us to date, for crying out loud. He wanted us to go out. Just like you told me, you did this because you wanted to make him happy. Now, please, stop blaming yourself.”

He nodded and we both looked back into Ryan’s room, but something was different. The doctors weren’t scattered around Ryan. The door opened, and Dr. Strickland, the hospital’s night emergency doctor, walked out, followed by a couple others. Dr. Strickland walked up to Pat and I.

“Claire, it appears that Ryan went to shock. We’re still not entirely sure. It could be from lack of medication. So we’re going to have to start giving him radiation again.”

I was confused. “I don’t understand. Nat told me that the radiation wasn’t working and neither was the chemo.”

The doctor nodded. “That’s true. However, we do, in certain cases, have to continue one or the other in order to keep the patient stable. Their bodies depend on them. Ryan’s body is a lot stronger than some of the other patients in here, considering he lasted this long before going into shock.”

“Is he…in any pain?” Pat quietly asked from me.

“He’s awake and he didn’t say anything, but he was crying and holding his side when I reached him. Now Claire, I don’t want you or your boyfriend to think that you are to blame for this. This is common among cancer patients.”

I looked behind at Pat and we locked eyes for a few seconds before I looked back at Dr. Strickland. “Oh, he’s not my boyfriend. He’s a close friend. Can we go see Ryan?”

He shook his head. “I’m afraid you can’t tonight. I’m sorry, Claire. He’ll be stable enough for visitors tomorrow.”

I nodded. “Okay. Thank you, doctor. I do need to go in there and grab a few things.”

“Oh, that’s right. You stay here, don’t you? Well, do you have a place to stay for the night?”

I was about to shake my head, as if to say “no,” before Pat spoke up.

“She can stay with me.”

I looked at Pat with wide eyes. He nodded and the doctor walked away.

“Pat, I’m not going to impose on you.”

“Claire, it’s not an imposition, believe me. Now, I don’t care what that doctor says, a part of me still feels responsible for what happened tonight. You staying with me will make me feel a whole lot better about the whole situation.”

I walked into Ryan’s room and stood at the foot of his bed. He had tubes and machines surrounding him. I hadn’t seen him like this in about 2 months and I wasn’t ready for it just yet. I walked over to get closer to him and when I grabbed his hand, I broke down. I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Ryan, I’m sorry.” I whispered. “I’ll never leave you again.”