A Lifetime to Struggle

Heartache

"And to think that I fell in love with you Brian.." Harmony said.
It took my brain a few moment's to process the words that had just left her lips. Love was unspoken word in this house. The only love was a friendly gesture. But to fall in love was a completely different thing.
"W-What?" I asked, feeling as if my heard were going to explode.
I wanted to take back every wrong thing I've ever done to Harmony. She doesn't deserve all the fuck up's I've handed her. She deserves everything but that. How could I have been so stupid to push her away from me?
She nodded " Yeah. But like you said, I'm pretty stupid. So congratulations, you finally get your wish. You wanted me gone, So here's me leaving."
She looked at me for a couple seconds. Guilt and regret clearly planted on my face, and I made no rush to make sure she couldn't notice.
Before I knew it, Harmony had stormed out of the house, slamming the door on her way.
I watched the door for what felt like forever. I waited for her to come back, For her to run through the door and right back to me, into my arms. But she didn't come back.
"FUCK!" I yelled, running into the kitchen, destroying anything and everything in my way.
Tables, Chairs, Glasses, plates, maybe even a window or two.
I had fucked everything up to the ultimate. I pushed the one and only important person in my life away from me because I was scared. I was scared I would hurt her, and look what I did. I didn't just hurt her. I broke her. She broke down on me, and told me everything I needed to hear.
I was the one thing I promised her I would never be. I thought that was the only way to keep her away from me. But the whole act soon became a part of me, taking me away from myself and replacing that with a beast. I crossed the line when I brought up her dad. That was strictly unvisited territory for anyone but her and Matt. For me to insult her with that, let alone mention that was the worst thing i've ever done to her by far.
I would never forgive myself for the thing's i've done. I had just probably lost Harmony for good. Who am I kidding? Probably? I did lose her. The only girl who would ever love me.
love . She said she fell in love with me. The bubbly feeling in my chest rose until it hit my sensitive point. The tears formed in my eyes. She fucking loved me, and I ruined that.
I dropped to my knee's, letting the tears fall freely from my face to the ground. If I could go take it all back, I would. The pain I was feeling was unbearable. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't focus.
Harmony was gone. Where? I don't have a clue. She'll probably never come back either. After the shit i've done, of course she won't!
I grabbed my head in my hands, and squeezed in the hopes I could explode.
"Brian, what the hell are you doing?" Kelsey's voice rang through my ears.
"Get out." I replied, venom dripping from each word.
"I don't understan--"
"GET OUT!" I yelled. It came out a lot more louder and scarier then I would have liked, but at least it made her leave.
What a stupid idea it was for me to bring her here. Harmony was right. I only took her here because I knew Harmony hated her. I hoped it would draw the line between us and she'd move on with her life, and eventually we could be friends again. Oh how wrong was I to have thought that?
I took a few deep, shuttering breaths before lifting myself up off the ground. I looked over at Harm's door. I felt the need to go down there. So I did.
I slowly creeped down the stairs, and felt an wave of happiness flow over me. The one lamp light was left on, filling the room up with a dim light, just bright enough to read in. Her school books scattered on the ground, with loose sheets of paper to go with them. Her cloths laying in random spots everywhere around the room, the fresh smell of her body wash filled my nose. Grapefruit, her favorite scent in the world. I laughed to myself. She always found the weirdest things the most interesting. I sat down on her bed, looking all around me. Harmony's room. The room that held everything about her. The only thing that would keep her with me until she returned. if she returned.
I laid down, bringing her head pillow to my nose as I rested my head on the other pillows she didn't really use. I inhaled the scent of her hair. Grapefruit as well. I hugged the pillow close to my chest, reminding me of all the other time's I hold her that close to me.
I rolled onto my back, and stared at the ceiling. I noticed she covered part of it with pictures and drawings. I saw a lot of photo's I didn't know she had, but smiled at them. She was beautiful. I saw the one photo she told me was her favorite one of us. Our faces pressed together, hands tied around each other. What happened to us? What happened to us being best friends?
I turned over onto my side, and noticed a small gold colored journal sitting there, open and ready to be read. I set the pillow I still had aside, and began reading it.

" Dear Journal, I'm not one to write at all, but there's been a lot of thought's I think I should get out. For one, I'm really tired lately. I've been convincing myself that it's school getting me down, and all the caffeine I've caught myself drinking, but deep down I know that's not it.
I know the real reason behind my lack of sleep, but if I actually tell myself, I'm scared of what i'll do. So i'll tell you.
I've been thinking of Brian differently. I find him to be super attractive lately. I mean, he was always an attractive guy, but it was always in a friendly way, up until now. I caught myself staring at him for the first time and thinking about, how perfectly structured his face is, how appealing his muscles are, all the tattoo's he's got, his perfect body, that one patch of hair on his chin, and his brown eyes that make my stomach do twirls. I tried so hard to convince myself that this was a phase, but no matter what I did, My feelings for him always remained.
When I was down in my room with Evan, almost about to sleep together, I realized that I didn't want him. I thought his body was to small, his hair was to short, his hands weren't big enough for mine. I thought there were many thing's wrong with him. But then I realized there was only one thing wrong with him. He wasn't Brian. I realized that I wanted Brian in every way. I wanted him to be the guy i'd sleep with every night, I wanted him to be the guy i'd have sex with, the guy who would hug me and tell me everything will be okay, the guy who would cook for me and love me more and more everyday. I realized I wouldn't be fully happy with my life unless Brian were a part of it.
But as thing's stand now, Brian hates me. He's pushed me away from him, and began acting in every way that make me want to hate him. For a while, I honestly thought I did hate him. But that burning sensation inside me, what I called 'hate' soon bloomed into something beautiful. Something that made sense to me, and made everything fit together.
I'm in love with Brian. I've always been in love with Brian. I was just blinded by what everyone else said and wanted.
I'm not sure if Bri loves me back, but I know he feel's something for me. I'm determined to figure it out, I just don't know when..."

I stared at the page full of words. This girl truly did love me. She loved me like no one else would. She didn't just say that to make herself feel good, or to make me feel good. She meant every word of it. And I was stupid enough to not realize I was feeling the same for Harmony.
I closed the journal, and hugged her pillow once again. I pushed away the only person i've ever had these feelings for, and now there was no way of getting her back.

♠ ♠ ♠

Aw, I feel kind of bad for Brian. :( It is his fault though technically speaking, isn't it?
Thoughts are nice :D leave them in the comments!