Sequel: A Past To Repeat Itself ›
Status: Completed!
A Lifetime to Struggle
I Realized I'm Not Okay.
I walked around down town, going anywhere and everywhere my feet took me. I wanted a clear mind so I could determine what it was I was going to do, and what exactly was going on. Things didn’t seem to add up. I mean, Brian has no idea who she is, but she knows him? How does that even work? Someone is lying, and I’m more than determined to figure out who it is, and what it is they’re lying about.
What hurt me the most right now, is the thought that Brian possibly did cheat on me. I could just picture him with another girl already. I was stupid to think that I could be in a healthy, good, trustworthy relationship with the man who is known for staying out of those types of relationships. I should have known, not because I was told, but because I’ve seen it firsthand. He was my best friend. I know everything about him. I felt the tears forming in my eyes. I can’t fucking believe I let him get to me. I was just another girl he was looking to score. But why would he want to get married?
I sat down at a table, right outside of a coffee shop. I needed to slow down. My racing mind and my endless walking was catching up to me; wearing me out. Maybe the lack of sleep and tears helped out too. I sighed, and rested my chin on my hand, and stared out onto the street. If Brian wanted to get married, it was for one of the two following reasons:
o The sex was amazing, and that’s all he wanted.
o He did actually love me.
Say it was the first one. Well than obviously I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. I don’t want to be used as some toy for the rest of my life, while he was probably out with other girls fucking around.
Now, if he does love me—which I don’t fully doubt— than of course I want to be with him. I love him more than anything. I believe we could live a happy life together, maybe even start that family he so desperately wants.
But this girl that called him, and sent him pictures... I can’t trust him anymore. What am I supposed to think when he’s touring soon, and I’m stuck at home not having a clue what’s going on? As much as these guys are my best friends, they wouldn’t tell me if Brian was with another girl. Only Matt would, but Brian would make sure Matt didn’t see him.
Brian could be doing things behind my back right now! What else is there about him that I don’t know?
I slammed my head against the table in confusion. The only thing I was sure of right now was that I couldn’t trust Brian. Everything I thought I could tell him, and trust him with was gone. The only was it could come back was over time.
Time that I don’t have. This engagement was too early. We didn’t have enough time to get to know each other on this kind of romantic level; No time to prepare ourselves. Brian and I had different thoughts on what a relationship actually was. For me, I wanted something serious. Something I could look forward to. I guess to Brian, he wanted something playful.
So what is a relationship if it’s lost all its trust? Nothing. It’s no use anymore if you don’t trust your partner. Nothing. This is exactly where we were going. We were going to a big, fat, nothing. The tears formed in my eyes again, as my mind told what I should do. My heart began to ache, and a lump formed in my throat. I knew what I had to do, it’s just the doing it part that made it hard.
I looked at the ring on my finger and smiled. I smiled for all the times that Brian and I had together. The night we first slept together, the perfect date we had, cuddling on the couch, telling each other we love one another, the randomness of him asking me to marry him in a bar, and even the night we walked down the beach. Everything seemed so good, so perfect.
That was the problem. Perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. Not for a while anyways. Why couldn’t I see that then? Why do I have to see it when I’m in so much pain? It was stupid of me to carry this on longer than it had too, and for rushing into things.
I gently pulled the ring off my finger, and laid it on the table in front of me. I stared at it, while a wave of multiple emotions washed through me. I was sad that things had to end, I was mad that I was cheated, I was happy that I was free, and I was depressed that I was going to be alone.
I sniffled once more before I put the ring in my pocket. I wanted to put it back on, and pretend like this didn’t happen. I didn’t want this to happen. It was the best four months of my life. But like they said, all good days come to an end. And today happened to be my day.
I pulled the cell phone out of my pocket, and dialled Jimmy’s number.
“Hey, Jimmy?” I asked.
“Harm? Are you okay? Where are you?” Jimmy’s voice asked.
“I’m downtown. In front of that coffee shop we always used to go to in the morning. Can you come pick me up?” I asked. My voice wobbled, and I mentally cursed myself. I didn’t want him to see me like this.
“Yeah, yeah of course. Are you okay?” He asked again.
I opened my mouth to say a simple ‘Yeah, I’m fine!' But I couldn’t. I couldn’t find it in me to lie to him.
“No.” I whispered. “I’m not okay.”
What hurt me the most right now, is the thought that Brian possibly did cheat on me. I could just picture him with another girl already. I was stupid to think that I could be in a healthy, good, trustworthy relationship with the man who is known for staying out of those types of relationships. I should have known, not because I was told, but because I’ve seen it firsthand. He was my best friend. I know everything about him. I felt the tears forming in my eyes. I can’t fucking believe I let him get to me. I was just another girl he was looking to score. But why would he want to get married?
I sat down at a table, right outside of a coffee shop. I needed to slow down. My racing mind and my endless walking was catching up to me; wearing me out. Maybe the lack of sleep and tears helped out too. I sighed, and rested my chin on my hand, and stared out onto the street. If Brian wanted to get married, it was for one of the two following reasons:
o The sex was amazing, and that’s all he wanted.
o He did actually love me.
Say it was the first one. Well than obviously I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. I don’t want to be used as some toy for the rest of my life, while he was probably out with other girls fucking around.
Now, if he does love me—which I don’t fully doubt— than of course I want to be with him. I love him more than anything. I believe we could live a happy life together, maybe even start that family he so desperately wants.
But this girl that called him, and sent him pictures... I can’t trust him anymore. What am I supposed to think when he’s touring soon, and I’m stuck at home not having a clue what’s going on? As much as these guys are my best friends, they wouldn’t tell me if Brian was with another girl. Only Matt would, but Brian would make sure Matt didn’t see him.
Brian could be doing things behind my back right now! What else is there about him that I don’t know?
I slammed my head against the table in confusion. The only thing I was sure of right now was that I couldn’t trust Brian. Everything I thought I could tell him, and trust him with was gone. The only was it could come back was over time.
Time that I don’t have. This engagement was too early. We didn’t have enough time to get to know each other on this kind of romantic level; No time to prepare ourselves. Brian and I had different thoughts on what a relationship actually was. For me, I wanted something serious. Something I could look forward to. I guess to Brian, he wanted something playful.
So what is a relationship if it’s lost all its trust? Nothing. It’s no use anymore if you don’t trust your partner. Nothing. This is exactly where we were going. We were going to a big, fat, nothing. The tears formed in my eyes again, as my mind told what I should do. My heart began to ache, and a lump formed in my throat. I knew what I had to do, it’s just the doing it part that made it hard.
I looked at the ring on my finger and smiled. I smiled for all the times that Brian and I had together. The night we first slept together, the perfect date we had, cuddling on the couch, telling each other we love one another, the randomness of him asking me to marry him in a bar, and even the night we walked down the beach. Everything seemed so good, so perfect.
That was the problem. Perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. Not for a while anyways. Why couldn’t I see that then? Why do I have to see it when I’m in so much pain? It was stupid of me to carry this on longer than it had too, and for rushing into things.
I gently pulled the ring off my finger, and laid it on the table in front of me. I stared at it, while a wave of multiple emotions washed through me. I was sad that things had to end, I was mad that I was cheated, I was happy that I was free, and I was depressed that I was going to be alone.
I sniffled once more before I put the ring in my pocket. I wanted to put it back on, and pretend like this didn’t happen. I didn’t want this to happen. It was the best four months of my life. But like they said, all good days come to an end. And today happened to be my day.
I pulled the cell phone out of my pocket, and dialled Jimmy’s number.
“Hey, Jimmy?” I asked.
“Harm? Are you okay? Where are you?” Jimmy’s voice asked.
“I’m downtown. In front of that coffee shop we always used to go to in the morning. Can you come pick me up?” I asked. My voice wobbled, and I mentally cursed myself. I didn’t want him to see me like this.
“Yeah, yeah of course. Are you okay?” He asked again.
I opened my mouth to say a simple ‘Yeah, I’m fine!' But I couldn’t. I couldn’t find it in me to lie to him.
“No.” I whispered. “I’m not okay.”
♠ ♠ ♠
Awww. :(