Don't Regret Your Yesterdays

“’I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” I screamed at my mom. “You don’t understand me. Stop trying to control my life!” I snapped as I slammed the backdoor.

I don’t know where I’m going or when I’m coming home, but right now I personally couldn’t care less. All she ever says is you can’t do this, you can’t date him, and you can’t do that. All I ever hear is squawk, squawk, squawk.

My phone vibrates in my back pocket. I grab it and glance at the screen; it read “Dragon Lady” -aka my mother. I quickly pressed ignore and shoved my phone back into my pocket.

I stalked around the neighborhood for what seemed like hours, and then it started to rain. The rain was cold and piercing all the way to my bone, so I ran to the shelter of a nearby fir tree. I leaned on the fir’s insulated trunk; it seemed to emanate an earthy warmness that I was quite thankful for at the moment.

My pocket began to vibrate again and I almost ignored it, but something told me I should answer this time. I looked, it was my dad.

“What?!” I answered, not really wanting to talk.

“Sweetie, first of all, I want to assure you that this is not your fault,” his voiced cracked and he seemed hoarse, “but your mother, she’s been in an accident.” My sharp intake of breath hurt my chest. I stayed silent, I couldn’t reply.

“Are you there Hannah?” my dad asked.

I allowed a small “yes,” to slip past my lips.

“I don’t know how to tell you this Hannah, but she…”

“She what?” I whispered franticly.

“She was found dead in her car.”

“No!” I screamed and flung my phone out into mostly empty lot I’d been in. My back slides down the tree slowly, and my head falls into my hands.

I’ve always been the tough girl, the infamous Hannah Reeves, but now all my walls are crashing in. It only took this one blow to break me. The tears cascade down my face, and sobs heavily wrack my body. All the times I was horrible to her flashed through my mind, all the I hate yous that could have been I love yous, all the slammed doors and slurred curses.

“This can’t be happening to me… it just can’t.” I muttered to myself. I never hated her, but I know I acted like it. What was wrong with me, now I can never tell her how I regret being the problem child I am. I can’t tell her how all the advice she gave me that I rudely shrugged off helped me make some of the smartest decisions in my life. Most importantly now I can’t tell her that I’m going to miss her more than anyone in the world. I regret today, I regret yesterday, and I regret everyday that I mistreated her.

She never once took it out on me. She would always turn the other cheek. She really was an amazing person. I remember once I had yelled at her about something that didn’t even matter and she just came back at me with advice: “Never regret. If it turns out good then wonderful. If it turns out bad, well then it’s experience.” This memory stung, but it fit so flawlessly to my situation.

I’m going to keep those words close to my heart; the healing process will be long and painful, but this is a learning experience. I will never be the girl I was, but that is only because I do not regret my yesterdays.