Something to Think About

So here it is. I have everything in the world, great friends, great food, great opportunities.

And I’m not allowed to take any of them.

I’m sitting here with all of the end of the year festivities.

And everything is “no”.

I am given everything, and I guess that’s just it. It’s all within an arms reach, and then it’s like being offered something nice, and having to reject it because you’ve got a gun to your head.

And I guess that’s what pulls me into this depressive rut. Everything is there for me, I am given every single opportunity, and I sit here, with a gun to my head, and watch as it all passes me by.

And everything I get the opportunity to have, every little happiness I am ever so briefly allowed to experience, ends. Abruptly.

Everything is taken away, everyone leaves.

And here I am. So lost. Completely bewildered. Absolutely terrified.

All I want to do is sit here and cry and cry and cry because I just don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do.

Hi.

My name is ______.

And, by fate and by the law of a God I don’t believe in, I am not allowed to be happy. Ever.

Nor am I allowed any consistency or continuity in my life.

Ever.

The second it even slightly appears that I have a smidgen of any of these traits in my existence, it is to be taken away and burned before my eyes at whatever cost.

Always.