Something to Think About

I don't know what to tell you. There are so many things I want to say, so many things, too many to count.

We have this bond in which we tell each other everything with words, without saying it aloud. I fear that if any of the things we know are said aloud, they will hang in the air, lingering forever long after they have been said.

I don't know where to start, so I guess I'll start from now and go back.

I love you. And not the kind where I want you to be my girlfriend and we can get married and hold hands and flip off the bigots, because we do that already. I love you, and not the kind we say instead of saying goodbye to each other, because there is no goodbye, I will always see you later. I love you, not in the way those "relationships" entail when people have sex because that ends and that is not love. I love you in the way that lasts forever, and that's different. And it's better.

So sometime when this chapter is over or when this story is over, I haven't decided yet, I'll send you a link and you'll read this. I didn't want to post this anywhere else because people will judge me there and people will talk and people will find out and I live in fear. I live in fear of everything.

By the time I finish writing these chapters to you, I'll probably be doing some crying of some sort, but it won't be a bad kind of crying, but a good kind of crying, the kind that heals and cleanses. I do those a lot.

So starting with recently, I want you to stop hurting. Do whatever you need to take care of yourself, and I love that you work hard even when you should be resting, but don't go crazy okay? I want you to be around forever.

When you asked who I loved, according to all my posts, I told you I would tell you eventually. But the problem with this person is that it's not love. It's the kind of love where you want to be their girlfriend and hold their hand and maybe have sex, just kidding, but that's not love, so with this person it's not love. However, I do love ideas about this person and it's just absurd but I do. And it is a forbidden love because it's funny and I'm dramatic.

And tada, his name is Kyle and I hate him so much. And we are not allowed to be together because it is not accepted. We are not allowed to be together because he should be with Keely, and everyone else on guard loves him too, and that would be a very bad example. But I can love ideas. So I love spending time with him because he is funny and nice to look at. But that's me being shallow. I love the idea that when I'm with him, all I can do is laugh and be happy even when it hurts because we joke about everything and he sings in spanish or he sings the vagina lullaby with Spencer and everything's great. And I love the idea that he has porn star hair and that he has a curve in his upper back so when he stands it's almost like he's in an eternal pelvic thrust. And when we are together we are awkward and that is one of the ideas that I love the most. And I hate him because he is everything that I am not allowed to have and no matter how much we flirt he will always be someone else's. And this is a situation that happens with me a lot. And that is why I hate him.

That's a lot to tell you for now, so I think I'll end it there and write you another chapter tomorrow. Or some other day, when I feel like remembering.

Love,
Me.