Something to Think About

So I have developed multiple theories to soothe the throbbing grogginess in my head.

1. I am doomed to be the best friend. It's a recurring cycle. I fall, I miss, I collapse embarrassingly, and I lay on the ground as these people find their soulmates. Every. Single. Time. And they find people who are absolutely perfect, absolutely lovely, absolutely wonderful. I have no complaints, and I can't do anything about it. I'm reading a wonderful story by someone else on this site, and my god, the whole part about watching your best friends fall for the perfect girl who is not you. That is me exactly.

I am doomed to be the one who will just accept the idea of becoming asexual, because I don't know how I'd survive ever being in a real "relationship", whatever those really are. I mean fuck it. I've been given the chance, but I rejected it because I didn't really like the guy that way. I don't want to get into anything that won't mean much. Which is why I absolutely HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE when people take things that they're not sure if they want. The idea of having something only because it's convenient bothers me so fucking much. And it's everywhere. I overthink everything. If I don't feel the need for you, I'll just push you aside because I don't want to occupy myself with things that aren't going to mean much to me in the long run. And when I do feel the need for you, I'll find ways to tell myself that I don't deserve you. You are all too perfect and beautiful for me. I am pathetic in that sense.

2. I am subjecting myself to this doom. I dislike talking to people directly about this subject, because hot hell, it gets me in a lot of shit. I talked to Amelia about my situation, and she said that I should just ask him to winter formal, but good god, I knew that I wasn't going to grow the balls to do that any time soon. And she asked me
"What do you have to lose?"
and I told her that he's someone else's completely, even though it's skinny love, a skinny love that I don't think is so skinny anymore. And she said
"Who is she?"
And I told her it was Keely and she's pretty and nice and wonderful. Amelia said that she was nice, but I was a lot prettier. And I laughed because that's not true. And Tim said
"Well, you would have WON homecoming queen."
My friends are awful, but they are fantastic.

I later talked to Michelle about this, and I love her because she is spontaneous and does stuff with her life, even though she does drugs and smokes and drinks but she's beautiful and hilarious. And when I told her about this, she said
"You're more than good enough for anyone. You'll never know unless you go for it, bby"
and I whined because I'm passive. And she said
"Just fucking do it. Live a little. You deserve it."
And just writing this makes me upset because if I really deserved it, it would be mine already, right? I have never fought for anything that I didn't deem worthy of fighting for. And now I know for sure that I didn't have a chance, and the fact that I was right makes me wonder if I deserve anything at all.

No consolation prize for me today. Or ever.