Something to Think About
And then there were none.
My life is a haze, a blur of pointless indecisiveness. I live with no meaning. I am selfish and lazy. And I don't know what I want. But I know I don't want to be here. I'd gladly sleep my life away. I'm over it.
Kristina quit today. And fuck, I was half expecting it, half shocked. But while everyone else cried, I did nothing. I am a cold, emotionless rock. Guard doesn't deserve my emotions if it's not in the performance. If I told you how much of my time I spend crying myself to sleep, you'd understand.
So let's be serious. I would like to die young, because I can't bare to imagine myself growing old. I am dramatic and pathetic. My life is nothing exciting, nothing extraordinary. I sit here and read of other people's lives and try to understand them, wishing there was something about me that people could understand. And I hardly ever tell everything. Because in all honesty, people don't care about everything. But here there is no need to care what people think. So here is everything you never knew.
I have thought of killing myself many, many times. I have written a grand total of one suicide note. But I have never attempted it. I have never purposefully hurt myself physically. Maybe on accident, when I used to break things and hurt myself in the process. I have been physically hurt by other people. Mostly hit in the head, beat in the back. That's why I fear brain damage so much, I don't just go hitting my head on everything I see. I have physically hurt other people, mostly my older sister. On the day of championships I cried on the bus. Partially because I was fed up and mostly because my grandmother has stage four cancer and was going into surgery that weekend. I hate my father very much because he cheated on my mother and I will never ever forgive him. He did not deserve a second chance. Because of him I trust no one. My parents are very judgemental people, and so am I. There is something about everyone that I absolutely dislike. And it will bother me forever. I am never satisfied. I feel that no one ever is. If I died tonight I really wouldn't mind. But if I died 20 years from now I wouldn't mind that either. I think most people are absolutely awful. But I am a crazy romantic, forever waiting for the impossible day when I find someone that has no faults. I will die long before that happens. Even the people I am closest to, I will never understand. I disregard my emotions because over the years I have learned that they are pointless and temporary and I let them come and go. I crush on people to distract myself most when I have other problems. I am conceited and vain, but at the same time comfortable in my own skin. I am distant because getting too intimate with others is just a way to die faster. I am sloppy and careless, hardworking and dedicated. When I was in elementary school I was a compulsive liar.
Nowadays I'm not much of a liar, I just don't say much about things I'd like to say. And that makes me a bad person. I am a very, very bad person. The worst.
Kristina quit today. And fuck, I was half expecting it, half shocked. But while everyone else cried, I did nothing. I am a cold, emotionless rock. Guard doesn't deserve my emotions if it's not in the performance. If I told you how much of my time I spend crying myself to sleep, you'd understand.
So let's be serious. I would like to die young, because I can't bare to imagine myself growing old. I am dramatic and pathetic. My life is nothing exciting, nothing extraordinary. I sit here and read of other people's lives and try to understand them, wishing there was something about me that people could understand. And I hardly ever tell everything. Because in all honesty, people don't care about everything. But here there is no need to care what people think. So here is everything you never knew.
I have thought of killing myself many, many times. I have written a grand total of one suicide note. But I have never attempted it. I have never purposefully hurt myself physically. Maybe on accident, when I used to break things and hurt myself in the process. I have been physically hurt by other people. Mostly hit in the head, beat in the back. That's why I fear brain damage so much, I don't just go hitting my head on everything I see. I have physically hurt other people, mostly my older sister. On the day of championships I cried on the bus. Partially because I was fed up and mostly because my grandmother has stage four cancer and was going into surgery that weekend. I hate my father very much because he cheated on my mother and I will never ever forgive him. He did not deserve a second chance. Because of him I trust no one. My parents are very judgemental people, and so am I. There is something about everyone that I absolutely dislike. And it will bother me forever. I am never satisfied. I feel that no one ever is. If I died tonight I really wouldn't mind. But if I died 20 years from now I wouldn't mind that either. I think most people are absolutely awful. But I am a crazy romantic, forever waiting for the impossible day when I find someone that has no faults. I will die long before that happens. Even the people I am closest to, I will never understand. I disregard my emotions because over the years I have learned that they are pointless and temporary and I let them come and go. I crush on people to distract myself most when I have other problems. I am conceited and vain, but at the same time comfortable in my own skin. I am distant because getting too intimate with others is just a way to die faster. I am sloppy and careless, hardworking and dedicated. When I was in elementary school I was a compulsive liar.
Nowadays I'm not much of a liar, I just don't say much about things I'd like to say. And that makes me a bad person. I am a very, very bad person. The worst.
♠ ♠ ♠
Don't read this.