I've Got Your Back

Looking back now I wish I’d savoured those moments more; committed each touch, each stolen sigh to memory. Maybe then I’d be able to close my eyes as I lay there lonely and imagine him next to me.

We were locked in this beautiful knot of limbs, unaware of where we ended and the other began when it happened. “What the hell is going on?” the voice barked loudly, clearly unable to see who we were in the darkness. I thought about running away, about grabbing Matthew and running but of course, he was a gentleman. He had to step out of the shadows and face the man square on. It became obvious within a few seconds exactly what he had caught us doing and there was no chance of denial. The next few seconds of silence were the tensest of my life, our futures were dependent completely on the time it took the man to process what he had seen. I could feel my blood thudding in my head; my chest beating furiously; time flying immovably past me. There was nothing I could do and I felt helpless. Utterly helpless.

I prayed to God, more desperately than I’ve prayed before. Protect me, I begged silently. But why would he? Why would he protect that which he abhorred? And as it turned out, he didn’t protect me. But God, or fate, or luck, or whatever you would like to call it was somewhat kinder to Matthew. The world treats gentleman more kindly than men like me, I suppose it shouldn’t have been much of a surprise that the supernatural favours them too.

The man that found us was Private Sullivan; not exactly a close friend of mine but we had often talked together about home and shared ciggies and memories. Nevertheless, he did his duty and alerted a senior officer to what he had seen. I expected to be dishonourably discharged, have a letter sent home and then be sent to prison for buggery or perversion or even, as had happened before, treason. But our country needs men at this time, whatever form they take. And so they had to decide how they could punish us whilst still keeping us useful to them and their solution was to send me away. Not before I’d been given a good beating however.

“Where will I be sent?” I asked nervously, desperately hoping Matthew could be by my side. “It’s none of your damn business nancy” the Officer spat, failing to recognise the clear flaw in that argument. They clearly didn’t want me to ‘infect’ the rest of the troops because I was sent away that very night without having time to say goodbye to any of my friends or even collect my few belongings. I would be sent back to base with the injured and from there I would be redirected to wherever the hell it was I was going. As the ambulance arrived to collect us I looked anxiously around me, peering desperately into the darkness for one final glimpse of him. I waited as long as I could before a gruff voice grumbled “Get the fuck in, Private.”

He wasn’t coming.

Then, just as we were moving out I saw a shape emerge from the darkness. His hair was dishevelled but even through the windows I could see the fierce gleam in his eyes. He mouthed my name and an indistinguishable string of words but I couldn’t hear him and we were beginning to gain speed. He broke into a run, throwing dignity and caution to the wind and managed to catch up with us. Troops were turning to look at him but he kept running, frantically unfolding a scrap of paper. He managed to press it up against the window and hold it there for a few seconds before, finally, the ambulance broke away from him and he was forced to admit defeat.

His writing was sloped, urgent and messy but it near enough broke me with its beauty.

“I’m so sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Please write me.”

Next to the writing he had drawn two wavy lines side by side and beyond them what looked like tufts of grass. I tried desperately to work out a hidden code or something before it hit me, as hard as a bullet, as penetrating as…well. He had drawn the meadow and the stream where we first kissed. In my head I vowed we would go back there one day, somehow. We would be together again. No matter what it took.