I've Got Your Back

I wondered how people could possibly be carrying on as normal when everything had changed, how not one person seemed to notice I was falling apart inside. I suppose for them, life was very much the same. The inevitable, monotonous routine stretched out before them as it always had, occasionally punctuated with bouts of chaos and terror. But not for me. I had not realised how dependent I was on Luke and just how much he held me together, until I lost him.

In the silent hours of waiting and chores all I could think about was him, visions of him consumed my mind. At first it was just his smiling face which did nothing worse than deepen my longing for him. But, as the lonely weeks stretched on I began to get visions of him. His face white and blank, eyes closed, head gushing with blood as he lay among countless other dead bodies in an unfamiliar barracks; Luke’s sweating body entangled with that of another man, his lips pressed to stifle a moan; him lonely and imprisoned, his fate sealed because of my actions. Eventually I managed to push my worries away and tell myself I had been utterly foolish. ‘He will be fine’ I’d often tell myself, never convincingly.

There was not even the slightest comfort from the war now he had left, nothing to shield all its brutality. The men’s songs seemed emptier than ever, their smiles painted, their conversations false. When in meetings with other Officers I played my part, contributed to talks on tactics, gave encouragement to the others. Then I’d go back to my own quarters and polish my buttons purely to have something else to focus on. I was not offered another batman. I suppose they did not trust me.

Then, one beautiful day, it arrived. The aircraft had come, bearing supplies and letters. This was always a wonderful day, letters from my mother brought me news of home and my family and more often than not I also received some ciggies and sweets. I had had to tell my mother in the very first month that sending biscuits, whilst touching, was not the most practical idea. I was not expecting letters from anyone else, very occasionally I would get letters from my father but they were always brief and frankly, dull. However, when I was handed my little bundle I saw a second letter written on the creased, dirty paper we were given ourselves. I hardly dared blink in case it would disappear from my grip.

I rushed back to my quarters and ripped apart the envelope so desperately I nearly tore the paper within.

“Officer Stevenson,

I hope with all my heart that you are well and that your spirits remain high. I worry constantly about you, now that I am not there protecting you. Although, perhaps it is more honest to admit you were the one protecting me.

I have moved regiment although I cannot, of course, say where we have been moved to. It is far, far away from where you are though. We are called the Loyal Regiment, yes really! I think they want to keep us all out of the way over here. It is not so bad over here really, apart from the obvious thing that brings me such sadness. I’m not sure if they’ll let me say this but there’s a lot of sickness over here too. Sickness and heat! But honestly, I am fine.

Letters are monitored, so we will have to be careful. But when the war is over, you and me will go riding again. We’ll ride out to the river. There’s not much I can say, but you know me and you know what I mean. If you address letters to Luke Davids, Loyal Regiment, EA then I hope and pray they’ll get to me. Please write as I have and tell me you are safe, maybe then I'll be able to sleep again.

I know it is normally you giving orders but I leave you with some commandments of my own, which you are not to break, under any circumstances!:
1. Don't change.
2. Chin up.
3. Write me.
4. Stay safe.

God bless you.

Private Luke Davids.”