I've Got Your Back

There was so much to be done the next two days, so many things to organise before we went to the front. We had to appear outwardly fearless, install bravery amongst our men whilst at the same time attending strategy meetings where we were informed our chances of escaping without casualties was nearly impossible. I ate lunch and dinner with the men again but breakfast was inescapably served by Luke. Once again he did not look at me, did not even talk to me; he simply stood in the corner whilst I ate silently, each second feeling like a lifetime. How much we had changed from just days before.

On our final night I didn't manage to get to my quarters until the early hours of the morning as there had been so much last minute planning to be done. As I walked in a voice spoke out in the darkness, startling me out of my skin. “I miss you” the voice told me simply. Luke stepped shyly out of the shadows and, for the first time in the longest hours of my life, he stared into my eyes. “I can’t stand this,” I told him my voice a mixture of sadness, softness and anger at the world for putting me in this situation, for forcing me to wrestle with these demons when I had done so well at suppressing them before. He sat down on my bed, hands clasped on his lap and said, in a shaking voice, “I have to come to the conclusion, after reflecting upon your character, that there is probably some stupid, noble reason for you behaving like such an ass.”

I smiled then. In spite of everything, in spite of what tomorrow would bring, in spite of my silent resolution to distance myself from him, he made me smile. Luke tapped the bed. I sat. “We’re going to the front tomorrow Luke - You know what that means, you know what might happen and because of that that I am not prepared to do this. I am not prepared to risk your soul, to jeopardise your eternity, or my own for that matter. If this had come at some other time things would have been different I suppose.”

“I knew it was noble” he told me, placing his hand over mine. “But it’s because of the time we are in that we should do this! Because you’re right: tomorrow we could be dead, we could never see each other again and I don’t want to die without…without…” I didn't know what the end of the sentence would be because I cut him off, silencing his sentence with my lips against his. He was right, this may be my last chance ever to do this, ever to be this happy. It was slightly awkward at first but then we found this perfect rhythm, his tongue dancing around my tongue, his hands around me pulling me closer into him. I began to kiss his neck, remembering his response last time, and could feel his pulse quicken under my touch which made my own heart beat frantically in response. I hoped he wouldn’t realise how terrified I was, how I doubted and second-guessed every action I made, every nibble, every lick of my tongue against his warm skin. There were no lessons on this, no manual.

In short, as embarrassing as it was to admit, I had no idea what to do when we got past this point. A moan stole out past his lips causing my stomach to lurch pleasantly and then, ever so slightly, he moved away from my touch looking somewhat embarrassed. “I’m sorry – ” he began but once again I stopped him. “Don’t be sorry, I umm…I liked it.” We both blushed and my heart began to beat so loud I was worried he could hear it.

He was a tough guy, far braver and stronger than me and yet he was as terrified by this experience and as utterly clueless as I was. In some weird way that seemed to make me braver. We kissed again and this time I didn’t think about what I was doing, my body acted of its own accord and I allowed myself to get lost in the wonder of it all. I stood up, took off my coat and began to loosen my tie with hands that were ever so slightly shaking. Luke joined me and took over, undoing the buttons with speed and force and pulling my top off me. We undressed each other like this, almost desperately, aware that what little time we did have was fleeting. My breath caught in the back of my throat as I looked at his body, muscled and tanned from working in the sun. I ran my fingers across his skin, feeling along the patterns of his muscles, allowing them to rest in the beautiful hollow between his shoulder and neck, trying to feel every incredible part of him. Our lips found each other once again and we kissed, braver now. Our tongues fought for dominance and we stood so close together that every bit of our bodies were connected: lip to lip, chest to chest, groin to groin. Nervously he moved his hand from where it was tangled in my hair, trailing it across my stomach and then downwards. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to experience pleasure I had never even known existed.