I've Got Your Back

I slept soundly that night despite the terrors I knew morning would bring. However, for some reason I awoke early, when the sky was still dark but the stars long faded. Luke was lying on his side next me, his hand still resting tenderly on my waist. We had wanted to fall asleep together, to spend as many as hours as possible in each other’s arms despite the myriad of risks that could bring. I lay as silent as I could, reluctant even to breathe for fear it would wake him. I liked being able to just lie there, more peaceful and content than any other man facing the trenches in mere hours. I liked feeling his warm hand on my skin, resting there gently and comfortably. I liked the way every time he breathed his chest moved slightly against my back. I felt connected to him in a way I had never felt before, as though some small part of him had linked with me, somehow. I can’t describe it really, because there aren’t words for that sort of peaceful happiness. All I know is there was not even a glimmer of regret like before, not a whisper of fear for what we had done. It was perfect. The previous night was funny at times, awkward even, but despite that or perhaps even because of it, it had been utterly perfect. There was nothing forced or fake about it; it was this natural, intense, honest, beautiful enigma I don’t have the words to describe.

That morning after brought an altogether different kind of happiness, it was quieter and stiller yet equally powerful. For even when the burning lust was stripped away, when my mind and not my instinct controlled my body, I still wanted to be with him. I still wanted to just be near him, even wordlessly like I was then. A pang of sadness washed over me. There was so much left to find out about Luke, so many other things we could explore together, so much of him yet to study and inevitably to love. But there was no time left to do it. The blood red sun was beginning to enter the sky, an omen of the brutal days to come perhaps. It was absolutely certain we could not be like this together in the trenches and a wholly too likely possibility we could never be like this again.

I felt Luke stir beside me. “G’morning” he muttered sleepily, planting a gentle peck on my lips. I smiled into it, perfectly happy. I had rolled over to face him and was about to begin kissing him once again when he sat up and informed me it was “time for breakfast!” I groaned, disappointed but recognising the sense in getting ready now before the bells summoned us up. We could remain unnoticed this way. He made breakfast, the bland but filling porridge all soldiers were rationed and we ate as much as we could, knowing the food would be pretty scarce when we arrived at the front. After a generic conversation and a comfortable silence I asked “are you nervous?” Luke laughed and shrugged his shoulders, acting tough. “No, not really,” he lied, “Why, are you?” I remembered everything I had been taught in training about raising morale, motivating troops of lower ranks. But then Luke was not simply another Private, he was incredibly important and if I couldn’t be honest with him, I couldn’t be honest with anyone. “Yes, I’m afraid. Of being injured, of friends dying, of dying myself.” I paused and swallowed hard before continuing, “Most of all I’m afraid of you dying.” My voice cracked when I said it and my throat closed up with emotion I was fighting back.

Gently he lifted the bowl out of my hand, placed it on the small table and then pulled me to my feet. He enclosed me in a tight, warm hug, his strong arms gripped tightly around my back. I could feel his breath on my neck when he replied “Oh Matthew…I’ll be fine. You’ll be fine. I promise.” How desperately I wished I could believe him.