Where Is My Self-Control?

I’d technically known Ronnie one single day and he’d already kissed me, what does that say?
Either he was still drunk or perhaps insane, or maybe just very loose. It would have been different if there were some romantic air about it, but there wasn’t at all. Maybe because Jacky had put his band off limits already and I just couldn’t help myself. There really is no defence for kissing him back at all and I felt guilt nibbling at me.
The idea of that kiss going further was far too pleasing.
Somehow Ronnie still seemed like a nice guy to me so I gathered he was just playing about back there. I didn’t want to seem vulnerable to him or anyone else so I pushed these thoughts from my mind and went to shower and consider tonight/ today’s outfit.

Today was Falling in Reverse’s first real show as a complete band and remembering this made me quite excited, it also reminded me to turn my laptop on and get their record playing which was still in my bag. My eyes scanned the track titles and I shrugged with neither approval nor disapproval and I hit the play button on-screen, turning it up full.

As I showered and washed my hair I found myself actually dancing under the cascading water. Within the process of drying myself and my hair, applying makeup and the long arduous [but worthwhile] task of straightening and backcombing my hair until it actually stood on end I realised I was even singing along to some of the songs. I did roll my eyes at the line: “That’s why they call me king of the music scene” while thinking Cocky fucker. I pulled on black ripped skinny jeans, a black custom Warrant shirt and slightly heeled cowboy boots. I hung belts, chains and a bandana off every necessary point of myself and decided it wasn’t over the top but just right. My makeup was minimal but I felt ready after several cups of room service coffee.

SITUATIONSSSSS ARE IRRELEVANT NOW-

I swiped my ringing phone off the side and answered.

“How you feelin’ today, Sis?” Jacky’s voice was bright and airy on the line.

“Not so bad actually. Yourself? All ready for tonight?” I rushed which was unusual for me as early as two PM.

“Yeah all good. What was going on before you left?” he pressed me for information.

“I don’t even remember,” I sighed, I didn’t care to actually remember right now anyway, “Nothin’ to worry about. What’s the plan for today?”

Jacky then got carried away with rattling off a list of the days’ activities, which went right over my head.

“Ok…so…what am I doing?” I asked slowly.

He sighed, “In an hour I’ll come pick you up and we’ll get down to the venue to set up and get ready. Ok?”

“Sure, got it. See you in an hour then kiddo.”

“Stop fuckin’ callin’ me that,” he grunted before hanging up.

I don’t know why I called him that because he's the older one of us. Only by a year but that did mean he hadn’t earned that title from me.

The hour flew by as I kept the album on repeat, burning as many of the lyrics into my mind as I could. Partly because I wanted to be supportive and surprise them all, partly because I needed something to take my mind off that little drama sequence earlier that day, and partly because it was growing on me and I decided it was fucking good.

I checked the time and fifty-five minutes after the call I shut off my computer, grabbed my stuff and went down the to main doors. I hated being late for anything. Jacky pulled up a few minutes later, “Your hair isn’t gonna fit in my car!” he grinned at the three inches, which had been added to my hair, [picture Nikki Sixx from 1981].

“I’ll just sit funny,” I told him while carefully climbing in. “Ready to rock the fuck out of those emo kids?” I teased.

“Swear to god! Vod stop being a bitch,” he rolled his eyes but still smiled.

“A simple ‘yes’ would have sufficed,” I nudged him and pulled out my compact mirror. “Don’t worry I’ll give you some credibility, your album is pretty good.” My face and fair was all in place so I retracted my mirror back to my jacket pocket.

“You’ve heard it?” he looked at me quickly then back to the road.

“Yeah. No thanks to you! It was quite rude of you not to share your work now wasn’t it.”

“Where did you get it? Please say you didn’t download it,” he sighed.

“No, your singer gave it me,” I stuck my tongue out just because I could.

“So, you seriously like it?” Jacky was genuinely surprised.

“Yep. Just don’t tell anyone ok?” I laughed loudly.

“Hey, you made it!” the guys greeted us in the parking lot of the venue as Jacky and I stepped from the car.

“Not lookin’ so rough now,” I nodded when I saw Ronnie and handed him the memory stick back, “feel any better?”

“Feel perfect,” he winked at me, “you?”

“Feelin’? Feelin’ your face!” I waved my fingers in his face childishly.

Ronnie grabbed my hand and spun my round into him while I squeaked, “Alright, alright we’ve got work to do!” I sprang away almost immediately with a giggle.

“What did you think?” he asked while waving the tiny USB stick at me befoire putting it into his pocket.
I said nothing but just grinned at him and nodded.

I assisted with unloading the equipment, getting everything in place and studied everyone while they did their sound check. There was a small local band playing for half an hour first to open for Falling in Reverse but they were quite illusive.
I decided to sit out of the way at the bar with Jager and listen to some Hardcore Superstar. I’d decided to call our parents right before the show as they couldn’t make it here and I’d also film as much of them as I could on my phone. After a fair few Jager and cokes the first band had been on and FiR were on very soon so I grabbed my last drink and made my way through the packed out venue to the backstage area.

“Fuck me, dude! Half the city is here!” I grinned when I walked into their dressing room.
It wasn’t a very large venue but the smaller ones are the best for shows I reckon.

“Excellent,” Ronnie rubbed his hands together, reminding me of Mr Burns from The Simpsons.
I was a little surprised that he looked so different for this show, he didn’t look how I’d expect. Actually wearing cowboy boots with skinny jeans and all the scarf things. It’s what we’d call pretty fuckin’ rock n roll back home, as if he’d read my mind and knew what would turn my head.

“I’m gonna make my call,” I said whipping out my phone and gliding through the contacts to find their home phone number.
“Dad? Mum?” the ringing stopped but the line wasn’t clear.

“Viola?” my dad’s voice crackled my real name.

“I wish you could be here! They’re going on in like five minutes and the place is totally packed out. Its amazing!” I rushed.

“I wish we couldn’t be there too. Is your brother there?” my mother’s voice.

I peered across the room and yelled, “Jacky! Mum and Dad are on the phone!” before passing it to him.

“You guys are gonna be great,” I proclaimed.

“Yes…yes we are,” Mika grinned confidently.

Moments later the band were called onstage. I trailed behind so I could stand by the side out of sight of the fans and film everything. We were all jittery and I was lost for words. They made their entrance and blew right through their first few songs. I was trying to stay still pretty much but it was hard to resist the urge to dance about and sing along especially after the few Jagers I’d had. I was miming along a little and a few times each of the guys would look after with exhilaration radiating from them. I watched in awe, my heart was so full of pride as I watched my brother succeeding at his dreams. I’d never been so proud in my life as I was in that hour and a half. There was an electrical buzz all through the air and it was kind of hypnotizing.
In the end I actually just put my phone on the side, positioning it to keep filming and it was just in time for their last song I’m Not a Vampire, which was possibly my favourite. Ronnie noticed a few times that I was havin’ a little dance and sing along and grinned triumphantly at me but tried to focus on his fans.

“Thank you LA, you kicked our asses tonight!” Ronnie announced, bringing me from my trance. They took their bows, threw plectrums and drumsticks into the crowd and filed off stage one by one.

“Fuck yeah!” Jacky yelled excitedly and wrapped me in a hug.

“I can’t even describe how awesome you were!” I hugged him back tightly, covering myself in the dripping sweat without a care.

“That was the best thing in my entire life,” he grinned at me from ear to ear and pulled away.

“Well fucking done, man, well done,” I told him wholeheartedly.

I was overwhelmed by such a strong sense of positivity and inner warmth, as if I’d achieved something myself although I obviously hadn’t.

“Wow,” Ronnie picked me up and spun me, transferring a second coating of sweat onto my shirt.

“You fuckin’ rocked out there,” I told him when he set me back down.

“I thought we were a bunch of fags,” he said cockily.

“Well…I’ll tell you a secret,” I paused and grinned, “even for a bunch of fags you rocked.”

“Thanks bitch,” he rolled his eyes a smiled.

“No problem, slut,” I punched his arm and we looked around at everyone else.

As the momentum died down a little, the crew were left to pack up and a bunch of us including the band, some friends and I all went to a bar for some drinks.

As I surveyed everything around me I made the decision to let Jacky have this night for himself, without drama from me as he’d had the previous night.

“Dude, I’m gonna head back and do some shit, ok?” I said slinging my arm around Jacky’s shoulder.

“Oh right. Sure you don’t wanna hang out longer?” he smiled.

“Yeah man. Call me tomorrow. Have fun,” I nodded. He nodded back to me and I made for the door.

I squeezed my way out into the street from the confines of the bar and peeled my eyes for a cab.

“Vod!” I jumped, “What are you doing out here?” it was Ronnie.

“I could ask you the same. Are you stalking me?” I raised my eyebrows.

“Yes woman. I’m stalking you,” he rolled his eyes and held out the cigarette he’d been smoking, awaiting my answer.

“I’m gettin’ off, back to my room,” I told him, still looking out for a taxi. There were some going by but none lit up.

“Why aren’t you staying out longer?” he asked standing by me.

“Cause I hung out plenty last night. Besides tonight belongs to you guys and you should be revelling in it. You deserve to celebrate,” I told him, continuing to divide my attention.

“I’d like to celebrate with you though,” he put his arm around my shoulder. I was about to ask: Are you high? But quickly reconsidered as that could be seen as quite insensitive.

It was quite the frustrating situation. I wanted to keep my promise to Jacky to stay away from his friends, but I actually liked Ronnie so I didn’t see why it was fair of him to ask that of me.

I looked out to the road again and saw a lit up cab coming down causing me to wave frantically ‘til the driver pulled up.

“Can I come with you?” Ronnie asked after I said nothing.