You Know That I'm Better in the End

I ran my hand down her bare side, my mouth leaving hot, open-mouthed kisses across her collarbone. She arched her back up into my body, my name slipping past her lips in a moan as I hooked my arm under her and pulled her even closer.

"Mmm, I love you." She moaned. I smiled and lifted my head up, pressing my forehead against hers and locking eyes with her own. She smiled as well and lifted one of her dainty hands up to cup my neck, her thumb stroking it.

"I love you too, baby." I murmured, pressing my lips to hers softly. "And I missed you. I missed this." I mumbled against them.

"So did I." She whispered when we were barely pulled apart. She lightly nudged me up, pushing herself up on her elbows. I raised my eyebrow at her as she placed her hands on my shoulders and pushed me to the side, but smiled when she rolled us over so she was straddling my lap. She put her hands on either side of my head and leaned down, attaching our mouths again. My hands ran up and down her body as I slipped my tongue into her mouth, massaging her tongue. We pulled away again and I kissed down her jawbone, my hands moving down to her hips.

"Ronnie," She breathed, nuzzling our noses together.

"Mmm?" I looked at her through my heavily lidded eyes, my hands still running over her extremely soft skin. She reconnected our foreheads again and smiled a little. "Make love to me."

"Gladly." I murmured, flipping us back over and kissing her again.

My eyes shot open, being met with the darkness of my bunk. It took me a few seconds to realize where I was and what happened, but as soon as I did the disappointment washed over me. I groaned quietly and ran my hands over my face tiredly, letting them stay there for a minute.

Why did that have to be a dream? Why couldn't that be reality? She's all I want, and it's killing me to know that stupid fucker is planning on proposing to her...today, technically. Today was the day of her birthday. I remember back in 2011, when we went on our first tour as Falling In Reverse, and she came with us. I remember when it was the morning of her birthday, and she crawled into my bunk and we had that little discussion about how, according to her at the time, we weren't compatible. And then that night, I gave her that ring and she ran away from me and went to a hotel with Jacky. And then she came back, and we had that huge fight. But even after that, and all the other shit that happened while I was on my quest to make her mine, she still agreed to be with me. She still agreed to be my girlfriend. Then, she agreed to be my fiance. Then, my wife.

And now look at where we are. She's more than likely going to be agreeing to be someone else's fiance tonight.

My eyes started tearing up just at the thought of it. Scarlet being married to Andy. There was no way I could survive it if she married him. I've been strong for all these years, I've tried my hardest not to give up just because we were divorced, but if she married him, that would probably do me in.

I bit my bottom lip, feeling around for my phone that I keep under my pillow. I finally find it and turn it on, going to my contacts. I scroll through until I find "Scar", then hit, "Text".

I love you.

I stare at the three words I had just typed so effortlessly. My thumb lingered over the "send" button on the touch screen, but I finally hit it. I glance at the time, 1:54 AM.

I lay there and stare at my phone, wondering if she'll respond. My heart stops for a second when she finally does after a few minutes.

:/

I frown and type out another text.

I'm sorry for storming off today. But it's getting harder and harder to deal with the fact that you don't want me back.

I figured I should just let it all out to her. In a text message. Yes, I know it's the "pussy" way of doing it, but I'm doing it nonetheless, am I not?

where did all of this come from all of the sudden at almost 2am?

i had a dream we got back together.

oh.

I rolled my eyes at her response.

i want you back.

i can't.

leave him. please.

It took her a lot longer to reply back to that one, and just when I thought I'd pissed her off with saying that, she texted me back.

i can't just leave him for you. i couldn't hurt him like that.

he doesn't deserve you.

neither do you.

i think i deserve a second chance, though.

oh really?

the only thing i've done for the past 4 fucking years is mope around about you, and try to prove to you and show you how remorseful i am and how much i love you and want you back with me.

i know you regret what you did, ronnie. and honestly, i forgive you for what you did now. but it's too late. i have andy, and i won't just up and leave him just to get back with you.

do you know how much that kills me? "it's too late"?

what do you want me to say?!

i cant fucking deal with this shit anymore scar.

i've tried my hardest not to give up because i dont have you anymore. but now its getting way too hard

ronnie, stop.

I set my phone down and threaded my hands through my hair, tugging on it harshly as tears blurred my vision. I squeezed my eyes shut, my throat becoming dry and my heartbeat increasing. I shakily grabbed my phone and texted her.

i cant do it anymore scar

don't say that. please don't say that.

Suddenly, it got really hard to breathe. My breath was coming out in short little spurts, and my heart rate was continuing to go up.

somthig isnt rigt scar

what do you mean?

i cnt breth rigt now

my hearts beatig really fast

ronnie, stay in your bunk or whereever you are and try to breathe. ill be there in a few minutes

But I couldn't. I couldn't breathe at all right now, and my heart felt like it was ready to thump right out of my chest. I pushed myself up onto my elbows, feeling that I'd started sweating. My chest was tightening, and I could tell I was starting to feel lightheaded.

I heard knocking at the front of the bus, and tried to stumble my way out of the bunk area. My eye sight was still blurry from tears, and I ran into and stumbled over a few things, but successfully made it to the door to the bus. I shakily unlocked it and it flung open, revealing Scar.

"Ronnie, calm down." She soothed, stepping onto the bus and leading me over to the couch. Derek had come out of the bunks now, and stared at us in a confused manner. "Wha's goin' on?" He asked tiredly.

"He's having a panic attack." She answered, making his eyes widen. He slowly sat down at the small table, probably deciding it was best he stay out of the way. "Ronnie, breathe."

"I c-c-can't." I choked out. I was shaking horribly now.

"Yes you can, just focus on it." Her hand rubbed my bare back. "Breathe in."

I tried to do what she instructed, but it wasn't happening, which only made me panic more. "Ronnie, listen to me." She gently grasped my chin and turned my head to look at her. "You're alright. I promise. Just try to breathe, don't think of anything else but breathing in, and breathing out."

I closed my eyes and gulped, doing my best to breathe in and out. It took a few minutes before it barely started to work. I felt around for Scar, since my eyes were shut as tight as possible.

"I'm right here, sweetie." She whispered. I felt her hand grasp mine afterwords, giving it a light squeeze for reassurance. Suddenly I heard Travis say, "Daddy?", and then Derek get up and, more than likely, rush over to get him back into bed and to not have him see me like this.

"Breathe." Scar whispered, her hand that wasn't holding mine still rubbing my back. Slowly but surely it became easier to breathe, and my heart rate was going back down. I finally opened my eyes again after a while and looked at her. She smiled slightly. "See? You're better now."

I gulped and nodded. "Y-Yeah."

We sat there in the dark, silence consuming us. Her hand was still laced with mine, but I don't think she realized it. I stroked her hand with my thumb gently, seeing her turn her head to look at me in the dark. I smiled barely.

"Can I ask you something?" I whispered. She nodded slowly. "Would..." I gulped a little. "would you say yes if Andy ever proposed to you one day?"

She stared at me, but then nodded a little. "I'm sure I probably would."

My heart broke even more so than it already was. I frowned slightly. "You'd actually get married again?"

"Yes, Ronnie." She sighed. "I would." She paused for a minute. "You need to move on, honey."

"I can't." I whimpered. She looked at me, and I could see the sympathy all over her face. "Do you know what it's like to want someone so badly? You want them and only them, no other person compares and you can't ever see yourself with anyone else but that person."

"I know." She mumbled. We were still holding hands, my thumb stroking it gently. "How do you not see how much I love you?" I asked sadly.

"I know you love me a lot," She sighed. "Trust me when I say I know that."

"I think my mistake made me love you even more, because you weren't mine anymore and I realized how much of a fuck up I was." She stayed silent, only looking at me. "I'm so in love with you it's pathetic." She giggled a little, and I smiled sadly. "I am the most pathetic person I know, and I think everyone I know would definitely agree."

"You're not pathetic." She chuckled. I shrugged slightly and looked down at the ground. I looked back up at her after a minute, and she smiled tiredly. I lifted up the hand that wasn't holding hers and shakily pushed her bangs out of her face. "You're really beautiful." I murmured.

"Are you sweet-talking me?" She smiled. I did too a little. "Maybe."

We simply stared at each other. I wanted to do this so bad, I didn't care anymore. I didn't care that it was technically wrong because she was with Andy, I didn't care at all. I've been dying for this for years now.

I slowly leaned closer to her, waiting for her to push me away or to back off from me. She stayed in the same position, not moving an inch. I let my hand free itself from her grasp and lightly placed it on her thigh. I leaned in closer, so close to closing that small gap between her lips and mine.

When someone knocked at the door.

I pulled away and she looked at me wide eyed. She stood up and went over to open it, and low and behold, there stood the wonderful Andy Biersack.

"What happened?" He asked lowly.

"Ronnie had a panic attack and Derek texted me to get over here as fast as possible." She lied, well, half lied. "I was just getting ready to leave."

My heart dropped to my stomach when she said those words. I missed my chance. If I had just been a little quicker, probably by like, 15 seconds, I could have kissed her. But no. God hates me and wants me to suffer for the rest of my life and for me to be miserable. Of course.

"Night, Ronnie." She smiled sadly at me. I nodded, not uttering another word to her as I watched her step off the bus with him.

My nails dug into the palms of my hands and my teeth were grinding. That motherfucker had to be psychic or something, to come to the bus right at that very moment.

My head slowly turned to look at Derek as he walked back in. "That sucks." He laughed slightly.

"Did you see how close I was?!" I whisper-yelled. "This fucking close!" I pinched my index and thumb together, making him chuckle. "I truly do have the worst luck."

"You're gonna get her back, dude." He walked over and took the place of Scar on the couch. "I know it sure as hell doesn't seem like it, with what just happened and with the fact that Andy's apparently proposing to her tonight," I squeezed my eyes shut and my nails dug even harder into my palms when he mentioned that. "but she wanted to kiss you too. She didn't try to move away or anything."

"She just feels sorry for me 'cause I'm such a pathetic fuck." I grumbled.

"No," He laughed again. "believe it or not, she does love you. A lot. She tries to deny it all the time, but I know she wants you back just as much as you want her back."

I looked at him. "How do you know?" I asked skeptically. He smiled. "Scar's too nice of a girl to just leave Andy for you. That's the only thing holding her back from being with you again. She doesn't want to hurt him."

"Has she actually said that to you?" He only smiled again and stood up. "Maybe." He walked back towards the bunks before I could ask him anymore questions, leaving me there with the smallest speck of hope.