I'm Sorry

The apartment is eerily quiet as I folded my clothes. Shirt after pair of pants is slowly packed until the only things left in the room are his things. The front door crashes open and startles me. His heavy footsteps echo through the house until he’s leaning against the door frame.

Before looking at him, I wipe away any stray tears. I grab my belongings and as our eyes lock; his eyes immediately scan the rest of the room then land on my bag. I retrieve the ring from my pocket and place it on the bedside table next to the picture of us from last New Years’. I straighten up and meet his eyes one last time, “Bye, John.”

He takes a long pull from the bottle of whiskey in his left hand, “So, this is how it’s going to be, you’re just gonna leave?”

My narrow my eyes, “Don’t you dare try and blame this on me, John. Because the guy I fell in love with left a long time ago and was replaced with….you.”

I don’t miss the hurt in his eyes as I push past him. He grabs my wrist; I turn and snatch it away, “Don’t. Touch. Me.”

He flinches back immediately and then there’s a long pause between us as we look at one another. His shoulders slump and he lets out a shaky breath, “I’m sorry.”

A large knot forms in my throat. His voice struck me directly in the heart. By his tone I know it’s not just for grabbing my wrist, but for everything. And I almost give in. I almost drop my bags and kiss the pain right off his face. I almost let him back. But I can’t, not this time.

I bite my lip, “Me too.”

His hazel-green eyes are glassy and not from the alcohol. His shoulders sag as his body is seemingly collapsing in on itself. I give him one last look before walking out.

The farther I get away the faster I move. Finally, I reach my destination. I knock on the door trying to hold it together. Tessa answers and she knows why I’m here. She opens her arms and I collapse into them.

The tears are falling and she’s trying her best to console me. Somehow her petite body moves us to the couch. I rest my head in her lap as she runs her fingers through my hair, “Jared told me he was fucked up again.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, “He told me he was sorry.”

“For what?”

I sigh, “Everything…well he didn’t say that but I could hear it in his voice, Tess. He’s never told me he was sorry. He looked so heartbroken.”

Tessa gives me a sad look as I cry in her lap for a little while longer eventually she pats my side, “After all that, I think some rest is in order.”

I nod and follow her to the guest bedroom, “You and Jared don’t mind?”

She laughs lightly, “Never. You know that. Now go to sleep.”

The next morning I wake up and am in a good mood. That is until I take in my surroundings and remember where and why I’m here. Begrudgingly I get out bed and change into a pair of sweatpants and random t-shirt.

I walk into the kitchen to find Jared and Tessa whispering rapidly to each other. I clear my throat, “Morning.”

Jared gives me a smile before getting up and wrapping me in a huge hug. I can’t help but smile and hug back, “Thanks, Jare.”

He pulls away, “It’s no problem. You’re welcome for as long as you need.”

A week passes and my phone has accumulated 58 missed called, 47 voicemails, and 105 text messages. Eventually Tessa took my phone when she found me crying while listening to John’s voice in the voicemails.

Little does she know I do the same thing now just instead of my phone I listen to his voice through the headphones of my iPod. At least when he’s singing songs he’s sober.

Currently, Garrett was over for a star wars marathon. He told me that if star wars didn’t cheer me up nothing would. I just laughed and cuddled in his side. At the moment, my head was laying in his lap as the Empire Strikes Back plays out on screen.

Garrett was attempting to braid my hair but really was forming tangles and knots that would be so much fun getting out later. He clears his throat before looking down at me, “How do you feel?”

I laugh, “Stuffed. As great a chef Tessa is, all I do right now is eat her food. I’m gonna be huge when I leave.”

He smirks, “Ok that covers your stomach, but how’s your heart?”

My smile fades as I sit up and start untangling the mess in my hair, “I..don’t know. Beating?”

He nods shortly, “Y’know. I talked to him the other day. I’ve never seen him that way. He’s borderline crazy at times. Just like you, he doesn’t know what to do without you in his life.”

Guilt starts to seep through and engulf me but then suddenly I’m angry, “Just buy him some more whiskey. He’ll be fine. He REALLY likes Jack Daniel’s and Jameson Irish. But that probably won’t be enough. It never is. So you might want to buy a six-pack of Budweiser while you’re at it.”

Garrett cringes at the amount of venom in my words as he grabs my shaking hands, “Hey. Hey, calm down. I’m sorry, I brought it out. But I will say he hasn’t drunk a drop of alcohol since the week after you left. Yeah after you left we thought he was going to kill himself from alcohol poisoning but after a week he didn’t even want to see alcohol.”

I bite my lip, “I know. He came by the other day. Jared and Tessa don’t know that I know. But I saw him, heard him.” My voice cracks.

Garrett’s eyes widen as I continue, “It was the first time I’d seen him completely sober in months.”

He clears his throat, “Maybe you should, uh, talk to him.”

I wipe at my teary eyes, “Do you think?”

He shrugs, “Yea, I mean it helped with me and Rachel.”

I nod and give him a hug, “Thanks, Garrett”

He kisses the top of my head, “Whatever it takes to get you happy again, girly.”

Eventually, he left to go have dinner with Trey leaving me completely and utterly bored. I forced Jared to take Tessa out so I’d stop feeling like the third wheel. I aimlessly flip through the channels. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

I sigh and switch off the television. As I stand up three rapid knocks come from the front door. I glance at the clock and it’ around seven p.m. Tess did mention that she’d ordered more cooking supplies, maybe FedEx was dropping them off.

Taking my time, I put mine and Garrett’s glasses in the sink then walk over to the door. I open the door to a retreating lanky figure. My breath catches in my throat, “Jo-ohn.”

His hanging head snaps up and his body goes rigid. He spins around and the sight shocks me. His eyes are sunken in and his hair looks like it hasn’t been washed in days. He looks ragged but his eyes look hopeful when he sees me.

In three big strides, he’s standing in front of me. The guitar in his hand right hand knocks lightly against my knees, “I didn’t- Can I- Is it.”

Unwillingly a small smile spreads across my face, “Shh, you can come in.”

I step out of the doorway and John cautiously steps in. We’re both waiting for the other to make the first move. John clears his throat, twice before speaking, “I wrote you a song. And I want to play it.”

Nodding I walk back towards the living room with him close behind him. We sit opposite one another on the couch. I pull my legs up to my chest and John takes a deep breath before placing his fingers on the neck of the guitar.

He strums up a melody and I rest my head on my knees, “I’m fucked up again, I shouldn’t drive tonight but I keep thinking of you. I hurt you again; I shouldn’t lie again so the next few words are true.”

The tears start welling up in my eyes, “Never again, never again no, will I leave you high. And never again, never again will I leave you high and dry. This time, I more than mean it.”

John stares directly at me with eyes filling with tears like mine, “I’m sorry. I’m not what you wanted. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I let you down. I could use some poor excuse, but the hardest thing to say. It’s the hardest thing to say in the world. I’m sorry.”

His voice cracks, “I’m sorry.”

I leap up from my spot as he starts the second verse and knock the guitar out of his hands connecting our lips. The tears are running down my cheeks and John wraps his arms tightly around my waist. He pulls back from the kiss, “I’m so sorry, darling. I’m sorry, a thousand times. But I can’t live without you. I love you.”

John’s voice is raspy as ever and I wipe away the stray tears on his cheeks, “I love you, too.”

He rests his head on my shoulder, “I miss you so much. I’ll stop drinking I swear, I just can’t not be with you.”

I run my fingers through his dirty hair, “John, I can’t force you to not drink. That’s setting you up for failure, but you’ve been a completely different person recently. I love partying, drinking John but it in small doses.”

John squeezes my hips, “So, does that mean you forgive me?”

I smirk, “Yes, I guess so. Just don’t make regret it.”

He nods before placing a kiss on my exposed collarbone, “I’m so glad Garrett talked me into this.”

I sit up straight, “That little weasel.”

John quirks an eyebrow, “What?”

Shaking my head I reply, “Garrett told me that I should talk to you.”

He smiles and I realize how much I missed that toothy grin, “You gotta love that kid.”

I rest my head on his shoulder and John rubs my back in a comforting manner. We sit in silence taking in the fact that we’re back in each other’s arms. His whisper reaches my ears, “I brought you back your ring.”

I lace his fingers with mine as I continue straddling his waist, “I admit I did miss the title of Mrs. O’Callaghan.”

Car headlights light up the front room signaling that Jared and Tessa were back. I pull him up and dragging us toward the guest room. We collapse on the bed and I cuddle into his side. He traces circles on my side as dry Arizona night air blows in from the open window.

I feel myself start to drift off. John kisses the top of my head, “Darling?”

Grunting in acknowledgement he whispers in my ear, “I’m sorry. I mean I really am.”

Looking up at him I meet his vibrant green and deep hazel eyes, “I know, John. And I love you so much.”

A soft knock on the door breaks our stare down. Tessa peaks her head in, “Oh. Explanation in the morning?”

I nod and John gives her thumbs up. She smiles and everything was back to normal. Tess leaves and John rests his head on top of mine. We’re just enjoying the moment and it’s a comfortable, “So, make-up sex?”

I smack his chest, “God! Way to ruin the moment, O’Callaghan.”

His laughs that little giggly laugh of his, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. But, seriously.”

Leaning up I connect my lips with his, “I think I need a little more convincing.”

John’s eyes take on a devilish twinkle and he licks his lips before his head disappears beneath the sheets and...makes it up to me.