Rebels With a Cause

The splash of my boots into the puddles of sweet smelling rain sounded distinctly different from that of the converse that treaded behind me, suddenly beside me with one huge stride. He smiled at me one of his classic smirks, and I could hardly return it, mesmerized by the glow he emitted once we passed under the street lights – much like the strange illuminated shimmer of the wet sidewalks. It was as if you could jump right into the cement; it was there beckoning me, calling my name and sparkling differently with each step that I took.

The pattering of the huge drops that gathered on the tree leaves finally colliding against the ground competed with the faint droning coming from Andrew’s ear buds. I grabbed the one that hung, hitting lightly against his chest as he walked along side me, and he hardly skipped a beat as I did so. I adjusted it in my ear, and found myself almost holding my breath as the music poured out. I couldn’t exactly tell what was going on before he hurriedly grabbed his Ipod.

“Here, let me find you a good song,” he said, casually shattering the comfortable silence that hung in the air. The odd but splendid calm after the storm lingered on these chilly summer nights. I couldn’t remember the last time it had rained, but I was thankful for the sweater weather.

The strange choppiness of the music as he tentatively skipped songs brought my mind back to the weird silence of my house – not pleasant, like this, but strange. I knew I shouldn’t have left, but there was something about how my summer had been. Staying inside, playing it safe, convincing myself that simply enduring high school was enough – that I could simply wait it out, and as long as I survived until I could make something out of myself, I was good. But the time had come. Honestly, it was now or never. I was done putting this off. Fear had kept me restrained for far too long, I thought to myself as I felt my nerves and courage battling each other as I indecisively glanced back time and time again.

He finally decided on a song, and though at first it was strange it had an undeniably catchy rhythm. Different, but that usually meant good – at least when it came to Andrew. I could still clearly remember how skeptical I had been about him when we first met – I couldn’t count the number of times he’d proven my assumptions wrong, or proven me wrong in general. I’d never admit it to him or anyone else, but I could have sworn he knew me better than I knew myself at times despite his actual lack of knowing me. I shook my head just slightly, trying to bring my mind back to reality through the maze of thoughts it had lost itself in once again, which Andrew aided in by humming. He began singing along with the song, looking surprisingly soulful as the words spilled out of his mouth. They hung in the air along with the calm, and for the first time in a long while my smile just came naturally – no force, no feigning, and I welcomed it.

“What are you laughing at, Beauchamp?” He questioned playfully, straightening his posture and glaring haughtily at me. I laughed, pushing his arm as he did so. He quickened his pace slightly, quickly fidgeting to get his keys into the lock. As I perused his van and made my way to the other side, I couldn’t help but be slightly offended that he didn’t even offer to open my door. I brushed it off though - I didn’t expect chivalry tonight, nor was it my reason for leaving. This wasn’t about Andrew.

Soon, though, as I swung open the door, it was clear to me why he was in a rush to get in. The seats were occupied with empty coffee mugs, clanking together as he threw them in the back carelessly. I skeptically gazed around the not filthy, but obviously not entirely in tip top shape interior – I knew his parents had money, so I couldn’t help but wonder why he dressed the way he dressed (by now, his feet had to be soaking wet from the puddles we ventured through, and even in the cold odd hours of the night he was dressed in his usual skinny jeans and tight fitted tee) and why both his heater and air conditioner were broken (not that he needed to point that out, as the wiring was spilling out of the car itself and almost onto my lap). Never the less it was cozy, and though I half expected it to reek of weed, it just smelled of fresh linen and slightly of coffee.

He fastened his seat belt after searching around for a blanket and handing it to me upon seeing that I had goose bumps, and went back to scanning his IPod for music. When I thought he had chosen a song, he looked up at me, back at where the buckle was, and back at me again, almost smiling but mostly anticipating.

“Aren’t you going to put on your seat belt?” He said, partially questioningly but mostly nagging. I stared back at him, wondering if this was an attempt at a joke. It was hard to tell with him, even with the simplest conversations I couldn't help but suspect some cryptic deeper meaning. He intrigued me, regardless of how much I had brushed him off in the past. I mentally rolled my eyes, wondering why I always had to get so god damn giddy.

“I just snuck out of my parent’s house, Andrew. My seat belt is the least of my worries,” I reasoned, going back to nervously looking around. I had never done anything like this. I glanced back at my house yet again, praying that it was just as still and silent as I had left it, but half expecting my father to] be searching every room and my mother to be readily dialing the police. Chills ran up and down my spine, causing me to shiver even more. I was out here, risking so much – I hadn’t the slightest idea what the consequences would be, I had gotten in a lot of trouble for much, much less than this - but I was also here with none other than the boy I had done my best to stay away from for the past 6 years. I found it hard to swallow, even as I gulped down the fear that was pulsing in my veins.

“You’re seriously tripping, chill out.” He laughed, saying this with such ease that I envied while he watched my nerves take over. I strongly considered grabbing my purse and flinging open the door to make a run for it, hopefully slipping back inside as unnoticed as I thought I did the first time, but it was like I was glued to my seat while every last sensible molecule of my body strained to go back inside.

“But really, buckle up. What if we got in an accident? You’d fly through the window.” Though the image this put in my head was disturbing, I was slightly comforted by the fact that he was at least looking out for my safety. Maybe he wasn’t the bad guy, luring me out here – he just wanted to see me, he meant no harm. “I don’t wanna have to pay to fix it,” he smiled, going back to searching diligently through his seemingly endless music collection. I breathed in and out deeply, trying desperately to calm myself down like he had advised, but it was no help.

I examined my seat belt like it was some foreign object, feeling the rough material as the tips of my fingers ran along it. Just next to the belt was the window, and beyond that, my house – warm and welcoming just behind the gate, where I should be at 2:30AM, sleeping soundly from the safety of my own bed. It was not too late, but after I buckled my seat belt it would be; It was like the feeling you get on a scary rollercoaster when the lap bar is lowered, and you know there’s just no turning back. At least with roller coasters there was a guarantee for your wellbeing - when it came to the night, it was all at your own risk.

From the driver’s seat, Andrew reached to turn the keys in the ignition. He glanced over at me, seeing that I hadn’t yet buckled myself in.

“Are you gonna go?” He asked, a hint of impatience in his voice, as if he was reading my mind. I nodded perfunctorily, taking the seat belt in my hand and buckling it all in one swift movement – for better, or for worse. I sighed, feeling a little relieved as I leaned against the seat and wrapped the thick blanket tighter around me as he started the car and slowly backed out. The minutes felt long as he did so; watching my house regress in the background as we drove off felt like it would never end. When it was finally out of sight, I changed my focus to his hands switching from gripping the wheel on turns to randomly tapping around, just like his legs, along to the melody that blasted from the speakers.

I kept watching him, subconsciously waiting for something spectacular to happen, until the gears sluggishly started turning in my head, and I realized this in itself was sort of spectacular in its own way. Maybe simple to him, no more than a ride, but I had done it, or at least accomplished what I had set out to do. I wanted to leave and make my own memories, even if that just meant getting food with that sketchy acquiantance I had seen transform over the years. I felt the corners of my mouth tugging, and I grinned stupidly, letting my shoulders at ease as I relaxed, seeing the streets in an entirely new way as we roamed them and feeling enchanted as we passed under the large palm trees.

“Where did you wanna go eat?” he asked, waiting patiently as we stopped at another house for the other friends he had invited. Suddenly appearing out of the darkness one by one and pouring into the back seats of the van as they brusquely slid the door open was Ben – who I had known as long as I had known Andrew having met them both at camp, and three others I had known of by the names of Will, Matt, and James. I greeted them collectively as they got seated, laughing amongst themselves and shaking the rain off of their jackets.

“You guys know Taylor,” he introduced me quickly before greeting them himself, “What’s up man,” he slurred, craning around the seat to say hi to each of them. I shuffled in my seat, regretting now coming in the first place, yearning for my comfortable mattress – safe seeming tempting now for the first time ever; It’s not like these were the absolute worst kids I could be with, but I knew things wouldn’t stay this legal for long and to say I was out of my element with this crowd would be an understatement.

I stared out at the street ahead, waiting for Andrew to start the car up again, before looking to see why he wasn’t. He was staring back at me, looking like he was waiting for me to say something. I shrugged, before remembering what he had asked me earlier. I felt slightly dumb as I came to the realization that I hadn't even the slightest appetite. “I haven’t eaten in a long time but I’m just not hungry,” I said truthfully before his jaw dropped in reaction, holding his hands in the air as if to ask why I had asked him to take me out for food.

“Oh hey, do you wanna smoke? I have some stuff, it tastes like tangerine,” Ben grinned, pulling the leafy substance out of his backpack as the other boys laughed and hollered. My eyes widened as I saw him beginning to roll the blunt. It was only a matter of time, really, I had sort of seen this coming. I tried to imagine my parents’ faces if they ever found out, or having to explain to my future children that I smoked but they shouldn’t. Even these thoughts were ridiculous to me, I tried to remember not to worry so much, but it seemed impossible to escape.

From the backseat, I heard the lighter, followed by the smoke billowing around in the air, collapsing in on itself and slowly consuming the entire vehicle. I scrunched my nose as it danced around my nostrils – the smell wasn’t bad, but I wasn’t used to it by any means.

I didn’t have time to panic or think logically, before I knew it, Andrew was taking a few hits, holding it idly in his hand for a moment on the last one, as if to savor it, before coughing just slightly and letting the smoke drift out of his mouth. It was dreamy in a way, seeing the smoke cascade past his perfect lips as he blew it out, and I felt almost overcome with desire. What for, I couldn't exactly tell - whether it was for him, or to be as gracefully indifferent as he was, I simply couldn't discern. He offered it to me, and it lingered in the space between us for what seemed like for ever but was no longer than a few moments, smoke constantly floating up out of the small joint. It wasn’t peer pressure, surely – I knew that when Andrew said after a moment, “You really don’t have to,” – nor was it the fact that everyone was doing it, because Matt denied it when it was his turn.

I’ll probably never be sure of exactly what sparked inside of me that night; maybe it was the fact that I had been on a roll as far as going for what I wanted, or maybe it was that if I got caught, I’d be pretty much fucked either way – but I reached out and grabbed it carefully, my hand touching his as I did.

I eyed it curiously before bringing it to my mouth, and he noticed this. “It’s not so bad,” he assured, coughing again as he said so. “You might cough,” he smiled a little, “but most people don’t even feel anything their first time,” he informed me before pulling the blanket from behind me and wrapping it around himself as I placed my lips around the joint, breathing in deeply and inhaling – it was two completely opposite sensations; My skin tingled, goose bumps rising again on contact with the crisp, cold air, but my throat burned as I inhaled, and I proceeded to cough up a storm, making sad attempts to catch my breath in between hits.

Andrew finally pulled it away in the middle of one of my coughing fits. “I think you’re good,” he chuckled, gently taking it out of my hands and waving his hand through the smoke.

“I don’t feel anything yet,” I said, wondering why people even bothered with this if there was no difference between being high and feeling normal. He just shrugged, handing it back to Ben who tucked it back into a zip lock baggy before shoving it deep into his back pack. We all sat for a few moments, just residing as the rain started up again, just lightly at first, hardly making a sound as the drops hit the windows and slid off. I began to feel light headed as the drops got slightly heavier, and then like a ton of bricks, I felt high – I didn’t know if this is what it was supposed to feel like, but I felt literally high, like I was a helium balloon, backed up against the roof of the van and watching Andrew as he turned the keys and turned up the music again. I laughed, and it felt like it echoed in my head, ringing throughout my ears and sounding long after I had stopped. This caused me to laugh again, and Andrew smiled back at me, chuckling a little as well, and suddenly I was in my seat again with the cold leather pressing against my thighs.

“Are you buckled,” he stated more than asked, not checking for himself this time. I could hardly hear him - he sounded distant like he was miles away or blocked behind walls, but he was still audible. I looked down at my lap as we drove off, and I tried to think of the reasons I didn’t want to come out with him in the first place. I couldn’t think of any, or at least, I couldn’t stay focused on that long enough to think of any. The one thing I knew for sure, there was definitely no turning back now – what happened beyond this point was out of my hands. “I’ll let nature take its course,” I thought out loud as I pressed my hand up against the freezing glass of the window, and Andrew hollered, “Amen!” though he hadn’t the slightest idea what I was talking about.