Draft Messages

My eyes were fixed on the label “inbox” of the Hotmail website, hoping it would turn bold and a number would appear next to it. I minimized the browser and rested my eyes for few seconds before I turned it on again. It was exactly two months ago when we bid each other goodbye but the tenderness of his smile was still fresh in my mind. Tears cascaded my cheek as I recall that one terrible night where I first set my eyes on him.



Ryan approached me carrying his blocks of props for tonight’s show. He and I were both from different nations but was part of the humanity services held somewhere in Asia. Once every two years, the Human Association and Social Services from the UK will travel to different countries to spread the joy of helping others and this year is my first time join the association which happened to be the same year as his.

We were already started acting on the stage for the performance when unexpectedly one of the wooden pillars supporting the stage was on loose. It fell right towards me. I gathered up my strength and try to get away from there before it landed but there wasn't enough time. I shut my eyes and I could feel a heavy load hit right to my head and dashed me down to the floor.

“Delilah!” I heard my roommate, Crystal’s voice screaming my name.

It doesn't hurt as much as I expect it to be and I was glad until I opened my eyes and I saw Ryan was there next to me lying helplessly, still breathing and trying his best to get up. Not realizing the situation that that wasn’t part of the play, the audience occupied the hall with round of applause. We didn’t blame them since it was a play about humanity so it’s understandable that they thought it that way.

Our team already gathered around removing the pillar away from us. Some of them even had that worried face on them asking, “Are you okay?” but I couldn’t take my eyes off Ryan who at that particular moment I swore I saw him spitting a little bit of blood from his mouth. We contended him to go to the hospital but he chose to ignore us giving us the “I’m okay” expression.

After that terrible event, I spent most of my time with Ryan throughout our convention and little did I know I developed passionate feelings towards him. Like any other conventions, it has to end sometime. The final night of the convention finally arrived. We had a farewell party and I took this chance to say what I felt about him. To my surprise, he told me he felt the same way too until he go about saying the word “but”.

“I have a girlfriend back in Japan…”

Soon after that confession, we went wordless. The few minutes of silent was broken by his request, “I’ll be sure to remember you. I actually miss the feeling of loving somebody and have that love being return. Promise me we won’t ever lose contact.”

And so promises were made and that was the last time I saw him.



“Delilah, its Crystal.”

Crystal talked me into going to Japan, and I did. As I arrived, Crystal drove me to a 4 hours journey to a very big mansion. Crystal was silent throughout the journey but I wouldn’t bother her thought she was tired of driving for the long journey.

I saw a man and a woman who I believed was Crystal’s parent waiting in the living room. I greeted them and they greeted back, smiling intently to me. They asked me, “Are you Delilah…?” I nodded in positive to their question. I scanned around the room and something caught my eye – a picture of a family. I stood up to see it up close and shockingly, I saw Ryan standing beside the man before my eyes. From then I realize it wasn’t Crystal’s home to begin with and it wasn’t Crystal’s parents sitting in front of me. It was Ryan’s.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier…” Crystal said. “If I did, you wouldn’t want to come here and see it yourself.”

“See what? Ryan?” I asked. “Where is he?”

His mother called me back to the seat. Ryan’s small sister walked down the stairs carrying with her a mini notebook. She gave the notebook to her mother and her mother passed it to me and said, “This is Ryan’s…”

I switched on his notebook and the first thing I saw was a browser with a Hotmail webpage displayed. I saw my name written on it and it said:

DRAFT – 10 days ago:

“I’m sorry, Delilah. I couldn’t stop thinking about you ever since the convention.”

DRAFT – 9 days ago:

“I’m sorry, Delilah. I try to forget you but the memories we had was unforgettable. So I think I should be honest …adgoiuedhoqiudh”

DRAFT – 7 days ago:

“I’m sorry, Delilah. I decided to tell you how I really feel about you. But,…”

DRAFT – 7 days ago, few minutes after the previous draft.

“Delilah, I don’t really know how to begin. I’ve made a stupid mistake of telling you not to lose contact when I really shouldn’t because it’s impossible for me. I really haven’t been honest to you the night we say goodbye. I told you I have a girlfriend, she is actually my fiancée and soon to be married. Hurting you would be the last thing I wanted to do but its better this way because it hurts me to listen to you saying all those wonderful things to me and having it return when I know someday you would be hurting more than now. I’m sorry, Delilah. Please forg–”

I didn’t really know which hurt the most – the fact that he lied or the fact that he was afraid to see me in person to say all those awful things. What I really couldn’t understand was why Crystal brought me all the way across the ocean to Japan just to see this draft message. I tried my best to hold my tears from falling and excused myself to Ryan’s parents.

“He loved you dearly.” There was a shuddering in his sister’s voice as she said to me. I turned around to face her. Her cheeks were already drizzling with tears coming from her red eyes. “Until his last breath he still did...”

“He never stops talking about his adventure with a girl named Delilah during the convention… ” Ryan’s mother said.

“Ryan was sick…” Crystal added as she placed her hand on my shoulder.

Those statements alone were all needed for the glass in my eyes to break. I finally understand why he said he missed the feeling of loving somebody and having it returned even though he has a girlfriend. The girlfriend and fiancée never really existed. I recall the blood he spurted out during the convention. He was in his own battle the entire time. I never knew that the night we say goodbye was actually a goodbye of eternity.