Finding Calix

Toms POV
Eventually Oli came out of the store, his hands full of bags. He saw me sitting on the curb, apparently at some point I had started crying. Real manly right, well fuck manly I don’t even care anymore. Anyways that was what tipped him off that something big had gone down. He told me to give him my list then handed me the groceries and told me to go to the car. I assumed this meant we’d be talking about it on the way to the bus. I did as was told with the groceries then sat in the car, allowing myself to fall asleep thinking about her.

Calix Pov
I booked it out of the store leaving the groceries and shit behind. When I got to the car I put Mason in as quickly as possible before getting in myself and starting the car. I peeled out of the parking lot and got a block away before I allowed myself to cry silently. Mason was already confused enough I didn’t want to add my crying to the list of things confusing him. Why was I so stupid, the second I saw Tom I should have grabbed Mason and turned away. I mean I should’ve left when I realized Bring Me the Horizon was even on warped. I took a big risk even though my gut told me not to and look where it got me. Swerving into the lane next to mine because the tears were coming out so fast was where it got me. At some point I realized I was in no condition to be driving, so I pulled off and into a random parking lot then called Scout. She answered on the first ring and was immediately alerted by my tears. She knew what happened and knew no one could make me cry like he could. She would know she had to hear me cry for seven months before I had Mason, and a few after. She told me she needed to know where I was and I muttered off the street name before she told me she was on her way. I tried to get myself together for Mason, but every time I’d stop crying Tom’s face would pop back into my head. There was shock, pain, anger, and confusion all in that one look. I don’t think I’d ever get it out of my head.
“That was him wasn’t it?” Mason’s voice eventually mixed in with the sound of my sobs. I nodded, which was all I could manage.
“Why didn’t you stay? Why didn’t you stop and let me talk to him!” he said accusation filling his voice. It only made it worse and now the tears didn’t cease and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Damn being born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck three times. I couldn’t even cry right!
“WHY DIDN’T YOU STAY? I HATE YOU, YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!” he yelled over my sobs, which only made them come harder and my breathing more erratic. Eventually I couldn’t do it anymore and began gasping for breath that wouldn’t come. Once Mason heard it he became worried.
“Mommy? Mommy what’s going on, what’s wrong?” he asked and I was way past the point where I could answer him. At this point my only hope was Scout getting here.
“Mommy what can I do!” Mason yelled as black dots appeared in my vision.
“Mommy!” was the last thing I heard before everything turned black and I was plunged into a hauntingly peaceful darkness.

I don’t know what exactly happened but I woke up in a disgustingly sterile white room all by myself. I had seven different tubes connecting to me and I just wanted death. Every time I breathed it hurt and felt like sandpaper was being rubbed on my throat. I felt lonely, tired and scared. That was until I heard familiar voices coming down the hall way.
“Okay, now Mommy might look kinda scary okay?” Scout said her voice getting closer with each word
“What do you mean scary?” Mason’s tiny voice asked worriedly and I instantly felt a huge wave of guilt wash over me as I understood what must have happened. The last thing I can remember was pulling over because I was crying so hard. I must have not been able to get myself together and blacked out. Mason must have been so scared, shit I’m a horrible mother, no I’m a horrible person. I’m a horrible person for doing that to Mason, and for what I put Tom through, TWICE.
“Well she might be a little pale, and there will be tubes attached to her.” Scouts voice interrupted my thinking, as she walked through my door. When she looked up at me she saw I was awake and her eyes widened. Before Mason could see, she turned in front of him.
“Mason, could you go and get that nice nurse lady for me?” she said hurriedly
“What? I thought we were going to see Mommy.” He said confused and she nodded.
“We are but I forgot we need to ask her something.” She covered quickly.
“Well then why don’t you go get her!’ he said trying to get around her to me and she groaned.
“Mason, go get the nurse!” she said sternly.
“YOU’RE NOT MY MOMMY!”
“N..” she started but I interrupted.
“No she isn’t but I am, now go get the nurse.” I told him sternly and they both turned to face me.
“Mommy!” Mason said and started running for the bed, but I held up a tubed hand.
“Do what Scout said.” I told him and he stopped and pouted.
“Yes ma’am.” He said before turning around and sulking out of the room.
“In a hospital bed and still able to take care of a kid, why didn’t I expect that.” She said and I shrugged.
“How are you feeling?” she asked and I sighed before answering, my voice coming out gravely and thick with sleep.
“I feel like complete and utter shit for about ten different reasons.” I answered
“Just what the hell happened yesterday?” I sighed I didn’t want to talk about it and I certainly didn’t want Toms face popping back into my head. I shook my head and she huffed.
“No, you’re going to talk to me. You can’t just call me balling your eyes out and then when I come and pick you up find you in the car passed out with your kid crying for you in the backseat and then NOT talk to me. Now spill or I will walk out of this room, get Mason and go home leaving you here all by yourself.” She said and I sighed.
“I went to the store. Mason ran into Tom.” I said and was interrupted.
“Ran into him how?” she said confused
“The mini cart.” I said and was assaulted with a memory of Tom saying mini buggy, I felt tears come to my eyes.
“Oh, sorry continue.” She said and I did.
“He saw and recognized me. I ran.” I said and heard her sigh.
“Why, why would you run again? You were given a chance to make it up, to do it over, and to explain. Why wouldn’t you take that chance?” she said outraged and I sighed.

“You don’t understand it’s much more complicated than that.” I said and she shook her head.

“No its not, your scared, and your selfish. Just like you’ve always been. You were scared of his reaction back then so instead of dealing with it you left. Deluding yourself by saying it was for his own good. You took the easy way out instead of dealing with it like you should have you ran from it and in the end made Mason suffer.” She said taking a breath.

“I…” I started but she interrupted me.

“No, now its my turn to talk, I should have done this five years ago, but I thought maybe you’d change once you had Mason, and I should have realized when you didn’t change that you never would. You are the most selfish person I’ve ever met.
Even when we were younger you were selfish, like going to London when you knew we didn’t have the money for it, and when you knew Mom was sick. But instead of staying and toughing out the pain of watching her sick like that, but instead of dealing with it you ran away. Just like you did when you didn’t tell Tom that you were carrying his child because you’re afraid of his reaction, and you don’t want to face the possible rejection or hurt so you ran away and hurt him instead so he couldn’t be the one to hurt you. And leaving Mason without a father, that might have been the very most selfish thing, and I can’t even tell you how disappointed I was before. Then warped came and because you wanted to go you dragged your son along making him miss his summer and his friends so you could do what you wanted to. And now when you FINALLY had the chance to correct that HUGE mistake, no you just run away again! Before I was just disappointed, now I’m just ashamed. So now I’m going to give you an option. Mason and I are going back to the bus and you can either come back and tell Tom what’s going on and all of us will stay, or you can not tell Tom about Mason and I’m taking him home and you will need to find a new baby sitter because I can no longer be a part of this. If I continue to help you keep him in the dark that will be on my conscience and I won’t have that happen. So I’m sorry but its time to make your decision. I’ll see you back at the bus, by then you’d better have it figured out. Your cars in the lot, Mason and I will take a cab back to the bus.” She said and I stood there flabbergasted. She was ashamed of me, and she had ever right to be because everything she said was right, except one thing. I did leave for Tom, yes I was scared and nervous, but those two reasons alone wouldn’t have been enough to make me leave him. Because as she said I’m selfish, and leaving him caused me pain, almost more than I could bear. And the only reason I could bear that pain was because I knew he would never have to give up his dreams like I had to. The way I saw it was I didn’t have a choice with Mason, but he did, and I knew what he would have chosen. He would’ve picked to get some small job somewhere that paid enough so that we could get some small apartment, and all of his art would’ve gone to waste. I couldn’t let him do that; I couldn’t let him give up everything. He had too much talent for giving up. I could hear Mason crying in the hallway and all I wanted to do was pull him into my arms and comfort him, but I was afraid if he saw me like this, with tears running down my face, it would only make things worse. Hmm that word again, I was always afraid, afraid of something. It was time to stop being scared and to man up. It took a lot for Scout to tell me that, and I wasn’t going to make her more ashamed by going back to my same old ways. It was time to stop being selfish and scared.

Eventually the doctor came in he told me that they had kept me overnight to make sure everything was okay, but that now I’m fine to go. They gave me some papers to sign then I was free to go. I put my clothes back on and grabbed my phone and my keys. I called Scout to ask if the bus had already left and she told me that they were all so worried they decided to stay and wait for me to come back. That was all she said before she hung up. I got in the rental car and pulled out my cd case that I’d brought with me. I put in Simple Plan and let their music calm my frayed nerves.