Mistakes We Wouldn't Learn From

[Zack]

After Evan yelled at us, the rest of the drive was completely silent. It wasn’t like Evan to get mad like that so it kind of shocked us all into silence. Around four-thirty we got to Jacksonville, Florida. Our show wasn’t until tomorrow so we had nothing to do until then. Evan parked in the back of the venue near Mayday Parade’s van when we got there. The Cobra Starship van wasn’t here yet – Gabe and the others had probably been fighting a hangover before they left this morning.

Evan apologized to all of us for getting angry, but we all brushed it off. We all deserved it – we were being complete assholes to each other. The others decided to go walk down the street and find some food for dinner, and they brought back some food from a grocery store that we ate. A few hours later, around eight or nine, some of the guys decided to go hang out with the other bands. It was getting kind of dark outside. Alex was in the seat in front of me, but he hadn’t said anything since we got here. Rian was sitting on the edge of the van with the door open, talking to Grieco and Jack, who were standing outside.

I was lying in the back seat listening to my iPod when Alex finally turned around and faced me, just looking at me. I raised an eyebrow at him and finally pulled out my ear buds. “Is there a reason you’re staring at me?”

“Can I please talk to you? Alone?” Alex asked, glancing over at Rian, who had looked back at us as soon as Alex spoke up.

“Hell no,” Rian argued, butting in.

I sighed and sat up. I probably should let Alex talk to me – I at least owed him that much, right? “Fine. Rian, stay here. No following us,” I said as I started to get out of the van. Rian scowled at Alex but nodded in agreement.

Alex hopped out of the van and gestured toward the venue, “Let’s go over there. We’ll be out of earshot.”

I nodded and walked over, leaning against the wall of the venue. We were both quiet for a moment. “Well?”

“I... I don’t know where to begin other than saying I’m sorry for the millionth time. I know that doesn’t help anything, but I seriously am. You know I’d never try to hurt you on purpose, I’ve told you that before,” Alex began.

“Yeah, you said it before, but then you did it again,” I said, looking down so that I didn’t have to look at him.

He sighed. “I know, I’m sorry. I know that you didn’t want to have sex or anything because you aren’t ready, and I respect that. Seriously, you have to understand that it wasn’t me, it was the damn alcohol. You’ve never been totally drunk – you wouldn’t understand. I love you way too much to force you into anything.”

“It was the alcohol that made you do that, but you were the one who chose to drink that much,” I muttered, kicking a rock away from my foot. My heart ached a little at the “I love you” part – I hadn’t heard that from him in a few days.

“I’m so fucking stupid. I told you I wouldn’t drink that much and then I went and did it again. I wasn’t even planning on drinking that night. Derek wanted me to hang out with them, so he convinced me to drink with them. I guess I just started drinking more the longer I was with them,” he sighed heavily.

I knew it – I knew Derek was the one who made him drink so much! That didn’t change the fact that Alex did what he did though.

“I know you probably don’t even care, but I don’t know what the hell I’ll do if I lose you over this. I’m a fucking moron, I admit it. But I love you, okay? Don’t think that I don’t love you, just because I did something stupid. Hopefully you still feel the same, but I understand if you don’t,” he said softly, reaching out to hold my hand lightly.

I flinched, pulling my hand away from him. Not that I didn’t want him to hold my hand – I was just still flinchy from the other night.

“Sorry, I forgot you didn’t wanna be touched,” Alex said quickly, looking up at me slightly frightened, like I was going to yell at him or something.

I shook my head, “It’s okay. Just... just leave me alone, alright? I don’t want to talk right now. I’ve got too much on my mind.”

Alex just bit his lip and nodded, watching me walk away. I went to sit down in a tented area behind the venues, where there were two benches and some old boxes and stuff. I sighed and rested my head on my knees. As much as I wanted to just forgive Alex and take him back, I didn’t want to seem weak. I had already done forgiven him for stuff like this twice now. Isn’t that enough chances?

I don’t know how long I was sitting there, but after a while I heard footsteps. I looked up and saw that Derek had walked up to me. Of course. “Dude, I’m not in the mood to listen to you,” I muttered.

“Someone’s moody today,” Derek chuckled.

I sighed, bringing my legs away from my chest and crossing my arms, “What do you want?”

“I heard all about your little fight with Alex. Second one this tour, huh? He must really like yelling at you,” he commented.

“No, you just really like to get him drunk and watch him yell at me,” I protested.

I saw the slight smirk on his face before he answered, and I knew I was right. “It’s not my fault that he likes to have a little fun. It’s just too bad you wouldn’t join in on the fun with him the other night.”

My face paled. How did he know about that?

“Yeah, I know all about your little sexual encounter. Sucks that you wouldn’t let him have sex with you,” Derek smirked.

“That’s none of your business, asshole,” I scowled.

He shrugged, “Maybe you guys shouldn’t have talked so loudly about it the following morning. Oh, and by the way, it wasn’t ‘rape’ if he didn’t actually fuck you, so you shouldn’t be such a baby about it.”

I didn’t reply, teeth clenching as I refrained from arguing with him further.

Derek began to walk away, but he glanced back at me. “He could find someone better than you, you know. You’re not the most attractive guy I’ve ever seen; there’s plenty of better looking guys. He could find someone else. Someone without constant anxiety problems. Someone who would actually have sex with him,” he smirked. He walked away, seeming satisfied with himself.

I felt my heart totally drop, and I wished I could just explode right then and there. Was I really the problem in our relationship? I mean, Alex obviously needed to stop drinking, but that was the only thing bad about him. I had all the bigger problems. My anxiety is what caused our first fight of the tour. The fact that I wasn’t ready for sex had caused the second one.

Maybe I was the problem. It wasn’t all Alex. It was mostly me. And Derek was right – Alex could find someone better. He could find someone way better looking than me. Why should I be with him when he could get someone else?

I felt myself on the verge of tears, but I held them back because it was getting late. I could see the others getting in the van to go to sleep already. I joined them quietly and crawled into the back seat, trying to sleep.

After two hours of attempting to sleep, I finally realized that it was no use. I was feeling claustrophobic in the van with everyone else. All of the others were asleep, so I opened the van door very quietly and shut it behind me. I went back to the tented area and laid down on the bench, feeling all my tears spill over as I remembered my earlier conversation with Derek. Oh well; maybe crying would help me sleep faster.