Mistakes We Wouldn't Learn From

[Zack]

I stormed back to the van, feeling sick and angry. Puking had left me feeling weak and it took most of my energy just to get into the van and sit down in the back seat. I was pissed at Alex for bothering me about eating again. He had been telling me what to do lately and kept asking me about why I wasn’t eating, and it was getting annoying.

Sure, he was right, but I wasn’t about to admit that to him.

I had been trying to eat healthy when we first started the tour, but that proved to be a problem because we had to eat fast food so much. That’s why I started working out more before our shows. I had been doing that for the last month, since we started the tour. I’ve been getting more and more self-conscious with all the fans we were gaining in all the places we played, so that didn’t help the problem. I had been cutting down on how much food I ate all tour and no one seemed to notice much because we’ve all been so busy. But since Alex and I had our huge fight a week or so ago, Derek had switched to harassing me about how I look. It shouldn’t bother me, but it does, and his teasing had gotten to the point where I had stopped eating almost completely. And that’s what Alex seemed to be realizing right now.

I felt a tremor run through my body and cussed under my breath, realizing that I was beginning to have a panic attack. I hadn’t taken my medicine in over a week because it can’t be taken on an empty stomach. If I take anxiety medicine on an empty stomach, it’ll basically make me high, and I don’t want to do that to myself.

I brought my knees to my chest and put my arms around them as I shook slightly, feeling tears come to my eyes. My panic attacks have been worse because I don’t have any medicine in my system, and it makes it more difficult to calm down and get through one. I’ve had one every day for the past few days, but I had been able to avoid the others finding out about them.

I suddenly heard the door to the van open slowly and I looked up to see Alex climbing in. He shut the door and sat down beside me silently. Fuck, he was probably mad at me. I had been mean to him two days in a row. Not eating had led to me having mood swings. “A-Alex, I’m s-sorry,” I choked out, and his face changed from an indifferent look to a concerned one.

“Are you having a panic attack?” he asked, hearing how my voice shook. I nodded and he immediately scooted close to me, pushing my knees away from my chest so he could pull me close and hug me. I choked back a sob and wrapped my arms around his neck, still shaking. “Shh, baby, it’s okay. Calm down. Deep breaths.” Alex held me tightly, rubbing my back gently to calm me down.

I pulled away from him a few minutes later, after my panic attack had subsided. My cheeks were probably streaked with tears and I could tell my eyes were puffy from crying. “Sorry,” I mumbled.

“You alright now?” Alex asked, squeezing my hand. I nodded. “Good. Did you take your medicine this morning?”

“Yes,” I said almost immediately. I felt bad for lying to him, but he would make me take it if I said no.

“Puking probably triggered a panic attack then, huh?” he said, looking at me sympathetically. I just nodded, yawning and leaning back.

“I don’t feel good, Lex. I’m going to go to sleep early tonight,” I told him.

He frowned, “Aren’t you gonna eat?”

“In the morning. I can’t eat right now, I’ll puke again,” I said, lying once again. I turned so I was able to curl up against the back seat.

“Alright, if you say so. Get some sleep,” Alex said with a smile, kissing me on the forehead before leaving the van.

God, I hate lying to him.

--------------------

I woke up with a jolt as something shook me, and my eyes opened quickly. I sat up slightly and rubbed my eyes, realizing that the van was moving. We must have hit a pothole or something. It was bright outside, much brighter than it had been when I fell asleep early last night. Was it morning already?

“Hey, sleeping beauty. I thought you weren’t ever going to wake up,” Alex said, realizing that I was awake. “Sleep well?”

“Sorta,” I mumbled, feeling queasy. Fuck, I wasn’t going to throw up again, was I?

“It’s already like ten in the morning. You slept fourteen hours,” Alex chuckled. “Must be because you were sick.”

I just nodded, feeling like I was going to be sick if I talked much. I looked in front of us and saw that Grieco was asleep, but everyone else seemed to be awake and talking. Jack was facing us, so he must have been talking to Alex before I woke up.

Jack frowned, looking at me, “Are you okay? You look pale again.”

“I-I’m fine. I-” I began, but my stomach lurched, telling me otherwise. I was suddenly really nauseous. “Rian, stop the van!”

“What?” Rian asked, looking back at me with a confused look on his face.

“Gonna puke. Please stop,” I moaned, squeezing my eyes shut as I tried to prevent myself from puking all over Alex and Jack.

“Oh, shit.” Rian swerved out of the lane quickly and pulled into the parking lot of some fast food place, parking near the back. Alex dove out of the way and Jack opened the door for me as I stumbled out of the back, getting out of the van and puking almost immediately. Just like last night, it was just water and stomach acid. I didn’t think I had even eaten anything in two days.

Everyone was silent as I stood with my hands on my knees, coughing once I had stopped throwing up on the pavement. Alex and Rian were by my side first, hands on my back.

“That’s the second time you’ve puked. What the hell?” Rian asked, pulling at my shirt to make me stand up straighter.

“And there’s nothing in it again,” Alex said, frowning at me. “Someone grab me some food for him.”

I heard Jack, Evan, Matt, and Grieco pushing each other as they searched for food in the van, and I scowled at Alex. “You can’t tell me what to do.”

“Zack, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I just want you to eat something,” Alex said, taking a breakfast bar from Evan and holding it in front of me. “Eat.”

“See, you’re telling me what to do!”

Alex sighed heavily, “I’m not telling you what to do. I’m concerned. My point is that when you puke, there’s nothing there but acid and water! Have you even been eating?”

Anger rose up in me again and I glared at Alex, “Just fuck off, okay?”

“Zack, eat.” Alex said, shoving the breakfast bar in front of my face.

I put my hands out and shoved him away, “I said fuck off!”

Alex looked stunned, and he took a step back. The others looked just as surprised.

“Can all of you guys go inside and buy some breakfast for all of us? Zack and I need to talk alone,” Rian said in a quiet tone, and all of the guys jumped up and headed inside. Rian turned to me when they were gone and I immediately burst into tears. “Alright, what the hell is going on?”

“I-I haven’t been eating much,” I choked out, unable to stop the sobs from wracking my body. I was leaning against the side of the van, Rian right next to me.

“Well we’ve established that much. Have you not been eating at all?” Rian asked.

I nodded, tears still streaming down my face, “I-I don’t remember when I ate last. It’s been at l-least two days. And I’ve barely ate anything a-all week.”

“Zack!” he exclaimed, punching me in the shoulder. I whimpered and choked back another sob. “Do you understand how dangerous that is? Why would you do that?!”

“N-new people... Derek... teasing... ugly... hate myself...” I blubbered out, barely able to explain myself. I was suddenly feeling really dizzy and my vision was going blurry. I felt even more weak than before.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying, Zack. Calm down so I can understand you,” Rian sighed. I heard voices and I could tell that the others were coming back to the van.

“Ri, I-I don’t feel good,” I mumbled, stepping forward and staggering slightly. My ears were ringing now.

“Zack, are you okay?” Rian shook me and I just let out a soft whimper, unable to see straight. “Zack!”

“What’s going on? Zack?” I heard Alex’s voice faintly before everything went black.