Mistakes We Wouldn't Learn From

[Alex]

So far, the tour was going great. It was already the third morning of tour, and there hadn’t been any problems yet. After the initial nerves at the first show, we had all breezed through the second easily. Zack was still a little nervous when we went on stage, but he’s just being Zack. There really was nothing to be nervous about and I was trying to convince him of that.

I woke up to someone shaking me by the shoulder and I groaned, squinting in the sunlight as I looked up. Once my eyes focused, I realized it was Matt. “What do you want, Flyzik?”

“It’s already ten in the morning, Alex. You promised that you’d drive to Boston this morning,” Matt said, frowning at me. It was ten already? It didn’t feel like it. Then again, I hadn’t fallen asleep until nearly three in the morning...

“I’m too tired,” I mumbled, sitting up straighter to stretch.

“Well, you better drink some coffee or something, because we need to leave soon. It’s a two hour drive to Boston from here, and I’ve driven the past two days,” Matt said grumpily.

I closed my eyes, “In a minute.”

“Seriously, don’t fall back asleep. I’m not driving your ass to the show,” Matt huffed, turning away and getting back out of the van.

“Fuck you,” I grumbled, leaning to the side and falling against Zack’s chest. He let out a squeak of surprise, but I felt him drape his arm around my shoulders.

“You do realize that Matt will kill you if you fall back asleep, right?” Zack said softly, chuckling.

“I don’t care. It’ll probably be more painless to die in my sleep, anyway.”

••••••••••

I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up again a little while later. The van was quiet except for the faint sound of music coming from headphones. I had slid off of Zack’s chest onto his lap, and my body was in a weird, twisted position. I sat up with a yawn, stretching and wincing as I did so. My neck, shoulder, and back muscles were tight from the position I had been sleeping in. I looked over at Zack and saw that he was pulling his headphones out. We were the only two people in the van.

“Well, I’m glad you’re finally awake. I thought you died,” Zack said with a slight smile.

“Sorry. I fell asleep really late last night,” I said with a chuckle, running a hand through my presumably messy hair. I looked outside the van window and saw that we were in a different place than before. “Where are we?”

“Boston,” Zack said, turning his iPod off and setting it down.

“Seriously? I expected Matt to physically drag me into the front seat to drive,” I said in surprise.

“Yeah, Matt was pretty pissed when he came back and saw that you had fallen asleep. Evan prevented a total bitch-fit by offering to drive here.”

“I definitely owe him,” I said, feeling slightly guilty.

Zack nodded, smiling as a thought came to mind, “I’m surprised you slept through the whole trip. Jack was blasting music and everyone was singing and all that. I decided to join in when I realized you were sleeping like a rock.”

“I missed all of the fun?” I asked with a laugh, reaching up to rub the back of my neck. “What time is it?”

“It’s...” Zack paused, pulling out his phone. “Almost one pm.”

My eyes widened, “Holy shit! I slept way longer than I thought.”

“That’s the reason I thought you may have died,” Zack said with a chuckle. His smile faded into a look of concern after a few seconds. “Why do you keep rubbing at your neck?”

“I’m sore from the way I was sleeping,” I admitted, dropping my hand. It wasn’t helping to just rub at my neck, anyway. I was probably making it worse.

“Turn around,” Zack said as he turned toward me, motioning for me to turn. I raised an eyebrow but did so. Zack pulled me closer to him before beginning to rub my neck and shoulders. He was gentle, but it was definitely helping the muscles loosen up. “Is it helping?” he asked.

“Definitely,” I said, closing my eyes and leaning into his touch slightly. I felt tingles running through my body as Zack worked his hands on my shoulders – it felt so good. His hands were so warm and strong. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck as he leaned closer to me. I tried to ignore the dirty thoughts of Zack in the back of my mind, but they were pushing forward the longer he was massaging my shoulders. I let out a soft moan and blushed as I heard him laugh quietly. He worked his way down my back, continuing to work his way lower and lower. Fuck, now he was just trying to tease me. I turned around and saw a smirk on his face before I crashed my lips against his eagerly. He kissed back for a few seconds before pulling away to laugh. “You are turned on so easily,” he said with a laugh, smiling at me.

I scowled, “You would be too, if I was doing that to you.”

“I’m better at massages than you are, though.”

“Shut up,” I said with a roll of my eyes, pulling him back toward me to kiss him again. I pushed my tongue past his lips, tangling it with his. After we had been making out for quite a while, I finally had to pull away.

“Alex,” Zack whined, pouting at me as I began to get up.

“Sorry babe, but I really have to pee before my bladder explodes all over you,” I apologized, hopping out of the van. I was glad we were outside a venue, where there would be a real bathroom.

“Gross.”

••••••••••

Our show in Boston was the best show of the tour so far. I was surprised to actually hear some people in the crowd singing along to our songs. A few people had come to me after the show and mentioned that they heard about us on the internet. Apparently our songs had started spreading when some people had bought our EP and put it online.

It was past eleven now and we had just finished putting our equipment back into the trailer. I was supposed to be driving three and a half hours to Albany, New York tonight. I had agreed to switch with Evan because he had covered for me this morning. Plus I had woken up past noon and would be wide awake for a while. I started the engine and turned the air conditioning on to cool the van off – the temperature had gone past 90 degrees today and the van was like a sauna.

Rian was counting heads, and he frowned. “We’re missing Zack and Jack. Where are-” he began, but was interrupted by the sound of Jack yelling.

“Alex! Rian!” Jack said, running up to all of us breathlessly.

“What?” I asked, turning to look at him.

“I think Zack’s having a panic attack,” Jack said, looking worried. “He’s getting all shaky and nervous and it kind of scared me. I don’t know how to deal with his panic attacks, so I came to get you...”

“You shouldn’t have left him alone!” Rian exclaimed. “Where is he?”

“In the lounge backstage, where we were hanging out,” Jack told us. Rian and I were off and running before he even finished his sentence.

We got inside and saw that Zack was right where Jack had said he would be. He was sitting on the couch with his knees to his chest and I could see that he was shaking slightly. As I got closer to him, I realized he was breathing shakily too. “Baby, what’s wrong?” I asked, sitting down beside him with my hand on his back. Zack tensed up at the sudden touch, looking up at me hesitantly. His face was pale and slightly sweaty. Yeah, he was definitely in the midst of a panic attack.

“I-I hate p-panic attacks,” Zack mumbled, stumbling over his words as he tried to speak. I rubbed his back gently and pulled him close to me.

“Why does he let you touch him? He never even lets me get close to him during a panic attack,” Rian said, looking confused. I shrugged, unsure.

“Did you take your medicine today?” I asked Zack softly, and I felt him shake his head no. “Rian, can you go grab his medicine from the van?” I asked, looking up at Rian.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll be right back,” Rian said, heading out of the room quickly.

I held Zack close for a few more minutes before pulling away to look at him. He seemed to have calmed down a little bit and his shaking had nearly stopped. “Do you know why you’re having a panic attack?” I questioned, pushing his sweaty bangs from his forehead.

“I-I don’t know. Everything’s just a little overwhelming right now, and there were too many people around, and I didn’t take my medicine this morning,” Zack sighed, squeezing his eyes shut.

“You need to make sure you take your medicine every day. I hate seeing you like this, and it’s best to let your medicine prevent these,” I said. “Can you promise me that you’ll take your medicine every day?”

“I’ll try,” Zack mumbled, looking back up at me.

“That’s good enough for me,” I said. He smiled weakly, leaning into me. I put my arms around him and held him tightly until Rian came back with Zack’s medicine.

“You look a little better. Alex really helps you through those panic attacks, doesn’t he?” Rian said after Zack had taken his medicine, looking impressed.

Zack shrugged, “I think he’s only better at helping because he’s my boyfriend.”

“Well, if I was holding you like that, it would be a little weird. That’s why it wouldn’t work as well,” Rian said, grinning as Zack let out a laugh. “There we go. At least you’re laughing now.”

“The tour isn’t putting too much stress on you, is it? Because we can stop if it’s too much for you...” I trailed off, looking at Zack.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I don’t want to stop the tour. It’s fun. I just need to manage my anxiety a little better. It’s been mostly fine up until now.”

“Alright, but if you’re overwhelmed at all, you need to tell us. Okay?” Rian asked, and Zack nodded in agreement.

“Good. Are you ready to go? We need to start driving to Albany,” I said.

“Yeah, I’m good to go,” Zack replied, standing up. He wasn’t very shaky anymore, fortunately. I wouldn’t be able to lug him back to the van if he fell over or something.

“I’ll be driving, so Rian can sit with you in the back. That way you’ve got him right next to you if you have another panic attack,” I told him as we headed back outside.

“So I don’t have to sleep with Jack tonight? Sweet!” Rian said, pumping a fist in the air triumphantly.