Chapters On A Page

It seemed that my brain could not be simply shut off. I was lately always reminded that it didn't have something as uncomplicated as a switch as a lamp or an oven did. I spent a lot of time going off on tangents, thinking of how there should seriously be a way to make one's brain exactly like that and how much I could make if I invented something for it. But I was always brought back to what was constantly on my mind, and it was never due to force. My mind wandered in circles, like a girl in some horror movie lost in the woods who always ended up in the same place she had begun. I hoped I wouldn't have to succumb to the same fate as those girls always did. I wanted to find my way out of this mental thicket of trees to make it back to a clear head and admit something I had known since my birthday. Thinking back, I wished I could have accepted my realization earlier, knowing all the trouble it would have saved me these past weeks.

Days had passed since my outburst in anthropology, turning slowly into weeks. Thanksgiving was creeping up on us, just another holiday in the cold fall to me at this point. I hadn't been spending a lot of time with Dominic. In all honesty, I had been spending very little time with anyone that didn't live in my house, instead choosing to hang out in the kitchen as often as I could to fill the counters with baked goods. At school, I kept to myself throughout each day. During lunch, I almost always ran off to the library with a fabricated excuse of getting a very early start on my senior project. I preferred to sit by myself in nearly every class I had and, if I didn't, I merely sat quietly doing whatever the teacher had instructed us to do. Even in the study hall I now had in place of anthropology -with Alex of course since there was no way either one of us was welcome back in Mr. Hargrave's class- I focused on pen and paper or a book rather than socializing with my friend. I didn't mean to be such a recluse. But it was easier not to blurt out what was on my mind when I simply didn't speak too often.

I also felt better when I wasn't around my boyfriend or exchanging words of any kind with him. Distancing myself from him made me see things clearer, the haze of being in a happy relationship blown away after all that had happened on Halloween. It really had only taken a few days, maybe two weeks tops, to know that things weren't the same between Dominic and I, and that they were never going to get back there and certainly wouldn't get better than they had been. It only took those days to know that I didn't love Dominic and that I never would.

Perhaps it was terrible of me to even think and keep to myself, but it didn't bother me as much as it might have several weeks ago. The idea that I might not love him, after he had revealed that he loved me, had been agonizing and had scared me half to death. It had eaten me up inside to think that maybe I couldn't reciprocate his feelings even though I knew I felt very strongly for him at the time. But it was nothing to me now, at least while it was still a secret I kept locked up tight behind my lips. It was saying it aloud, saying it to him, that had me in a frenzy that I was surprised wasn't noticeable to everyone around me.

Because of my fear that I was anything but inconspicuous, it probably wasn't the greatest idea for me to agree to hang out at Gwen's the night before Thanksgiving. It was going to be a simple get-together of my close friends and the ones we had gotten to know much better this year. But, to them, it wasn't acceptable to say I wasn't going, and it would have raised too many questions if I had. Above all of this, I really did want to be around all of them. I had been depriving myself of most human interaction, and I missed my friends the same way I would miss them if I hadn't seen them in years. It was with mixed emotions that I climbed into the passenger seat of Dominic's car that night, slamming the door behind me in hopes to drown out the sound of hamburger wrappers crunching and shifting under my feet. Reflexively, he leaned over the center console to kiss me and I knew that I still had to play along for the time being. My lips were hard and unyielding though under his soft ones, the ones I hadn't been able to get enough of such a short time ago. My apparent aversion to participating in his greeting had him pulling away with a grunt of annoyance and left the drive to Gwen's utterly silent.

Entering the pool house was like a salvation, in more ways than one. I stopped just inside the door, gazing down the hallway echoing with laughter as I pulled at the knot at my throat that kept my scarf in place. Before I could even shrug my jacket off to hang on the hook with the scarf, Dominic pushed his way around me, apparently not patient enough to wait for me and take my hand so we could walk to the living room together. Some tension left my shoulders believing that I wasn't the only one fed up with at least some part of this relationship. All the same, I tried to keep the thoughts of the possibility of me not having to be the one to end things out of my head while I paced the short distance to find my friends.

Everyone was already there, scattered about the living room of Gwen's house. Gwen herself was seated in one of the chairs, her legs spread across Jack's lap since he was squeezed in next to her, large smiles adorning both of their faces as they laughed along with Murph, Lisa, and Zack who sat on the floor in front of them. Alex and Rian were leaning against the wall, clearly in some deep discussion that could only be about the band. Nic had planted herself in the middle of the couch, and she had engaged both Kara and Matt -who were sitting on either side of her- and Grieco -who was cross-legged in the center of the coffee table- in some intense conversation that sounded like it was causing both heated debates between them and loud bouts of giggles. And Dominic was nowhere to be seen, which could only mean that he was in the kitchen, filling a cup that matched the ones either in everyone's hands or strewn across the table. I didn't particularly care to find out just what was going to go into his cup.

I ambled further into the room, causing everyone to finally notice me and shout happily in greeting. I smiled widely in return, a genuine grin spreading across my face despite all that was going on in my chaotic mind. I pulled a pillow off of the remaining chair that sat empty for some unknown reason and threw it down next to Murph, crossing my legs as I sank down onto it. Before even tuning into the conversation that was going on around me, I let my head fall to Murph's shoulder, a contented sigh escaping me as I instantly became enveloped in the comfort I never failed to feel when I was with my best friends.

"I didn't think you guys were ever going to show," he claimed, turning his head and ducking some so I would be able to hear him better. He kissed the top of my head then, his way of letting me know that he had missed me the days I had been unaccounted for within my tight group. A light smile formed at the corners of my lips at both his words and his action, and I cuddled into his side more. "Where's Dominic?" he asked, looking around as he suddenly noticed that I shouldn't have been alone.

I couldn't help but to roll my eyes, clenching them shut once they had rotated those three hundred and sixty degrees. I truly didn't hate Dominic. How could I? I had been dating him for nearly three months and I had been thrilled to be with him for most of that time. But one thing that I did sincerely despise was how it was like I was never expected to be alone anymore, like everyone assumed that I was automatically going to be with him unless I had stated otherwise in advance. Sometimes, I was no longer just Val. I was Dominic-and-Val, and it drove me crazy. "In the kitchen, I'd assume. Maybe getting wasted before he comes out to join us," I speculated, attempting to remove the edge from my voice that had managed to creep in from my thoughts. "Well, speak of the Devil," I grumbled sarcastically under my breath at the sight of my boyfriend finally joining the rest of us in the living room.

Murph pulled far enough away from me that I had to lift my head from his shoulder or risk falling over. His eyebrows were scrunched together, the skin between them wrinkled in confusion. Surely my lack of subtlety had tipped him off that maybe something was going on that I hadn't revealed to him, and maybe not even to the girls. He knew this wasn't right, because what could there be that we didn't share with each other? He opened his mouth, undoubtedly to question me on what was wrong, but a bellow from Jack insisting that we should play a game interrupted him. I couldn't think back to a time that I was more grateful for that boy with his mess of two-toned hair.

All of us were still spread out around the room, but everyone moved closer to the coffee table -now clear of Grieco who sat on Zack's other side- to ensure that we would all be able to participate in whatever we were playing. Figuring out what we were playing was a much harder task than changing our seating arrangements. For some reason, we had all agreed with Jack without question, but there was a dispute over what game would be suitable entertainment to keep us occupied and laughing for a chunk of the night. Half of my friends, including Jack, Rian, Gwen, Grieco, Kara, and Zack, thought that Never Have I Ever would be the perfect game, while the other half -Alex, Murph, Lisa, Nic, Matt, and Dominic- all argued that Spin the Bottle would be much more risque and cause more than a few giggles. I, however, kept my mouth shut because I couldn't say I really cared what we played, even though neither of these games were of my taste tonight. But when the light bickering continued and it seemed as if it would go on longer than any game would, I figured I had to interfere.

"Truth or Dare," I suggested in a yell that easily overwhelmed the rest of their voices. Automatically, the others began to nod their heads in approval and mumble agreements to each other. But I wanted to kick myself. Truth or Dare was certainly not any better than Never Have I Ever or Spin the Bottle. It could be said that it was even worse if I didn't want to tell Dominic right here, tonight that I didn't feel the way about him that he did about me. But there was no backing out of it now; everyone was excited to play and they were determining what order we would go in. "I'm going to get a drink," I announced, though no one was exactly listening. I had been sipping at the ginger ale that Dominic had gotten for me and had handed me as he sat down next to me. But it wasn't enough for me currently. Somehow I didn't notice that I wasn't alone as I padded into the kitchen, but I was thankful for it when I stopped at the counter and noticed that Alex was behind me at the fridge. "Will you make me a drink?" I sweetly asked, batting my lashes at him as if I really had to beg.

He chuckled from behind the open refrigerator door, peeking out from behind it momentarily before shutting it altogether. "No," he replied bluntly.

I gasped, half-faked and half-real because I really was surprised he would decline. "Why not?" I whined, stomping childishly towards him and exaggerating the back and forth swing of my arms.

"Uh, because you don't like to drink," he reminded me, one eyebrow cocked as if I was crazy.

"You shouldn't tell me what I do and don't like, Alexander. That's called abuse in many of our lovely fifty states," I informed him, though I couldn't be quite sure of that myself. As long as no one was going to quote me on it, I would go with it and check the facts later. "Come on," I begged. "Just something light. Weak. I won't lose my shit again, you have my word on that." It was his fault anyway that drinking was now somewhat of a vice for me. I still hated the taste of any and all alcohol. But ever since the party at my house, it had been hard to not join in while everyone else was doing it. Call it peer pressure, but I was forever going to refer to it as liquid confidence, as Alex had that very night. He sighed dramatically, but agreed all the same. I had a glass full of I couldn't say what in hand only a few moments later while he had another bottle of beer gripped in his own fingers, and we headed back to the others, chuckling about how I had apparently turned into a drunk.

I took my place between Murph and Dominic, leaning against my boyfriend this time with my knees pulled up to my chest, while Alex sat leisurely on the arm of the couch next to Kara. Before setting my cup down in front of me on the table, I took a few sips of it, wincing and shaking my head every time the burning taste hit the back of my tongue. But it was already running through my veins, making me feel better just because I wanted it to make me feel better. Once the chilled, sweating glass was carefully placed on the table, I smiled over the top of it at Alex.

The games began then and the pool house filled with laughter and yells, protests and groans. Truths were almost always passed up, no one wanting to be the one to openly admit that they were afraid to take a dare. This resulted in some hilarious moments, along with some that were probably going to be burned into my retinas for the rest of my existence. Nic was dared to kiss Grieco and Zack had to eat a spoonful of mustard. Jack had no problem with the challenge of stripping down completely and running around the block naked while we all stood outside in the cold to witness it. Gwen took truth with a smirk, but it spontaneously turned into a dare when she admitted she didn't know all of the states' capitals and Matt asked her to list the states themselves alphabetically. That one ended in her smacking him in the arm and asking if he could even name all the capitals and him revealing between laughs that he, in fact, couldn't. Dominic brought the dares back around and gladly lifted me above his head as Lisa had told him to do, and the two of us fell back to the floor with giggles escaping our lips. A couple more turns, and it was Alex that had to shotgun a can of beer that had been setting in the back of Gwen's fridge for at least a year. We were all sprayed with the foul-smelling amber liquid when he punched the hole into the side of the can but all cheered him on when he finished it with a wide grin.

Unfortunately, my turn came next.

"All right, Val. Truth or dare?" Alex pressed, leaning forward from the seat he had returned to.

I bit my lip nervously, but forced myself to regain confidence. "Truth." I didn't care if it was the safe choice. I almost always picked it because it didn't subject me to humiliate myself in the present. Even in the situation I found myself in, I didn't have a problem revealing secrets most of the time. What was the chance that he was going to ask something that had anything to do with what had been plaguing my mind?

"Have you ever been in love?"

Maybe I should have played the lottery that night. I blinked up at him a few times, hesitant to answer the truth I was being expected to tell for the first time in my history of playing this game. Next to me sat the boy that I told I loved on a daily basis. But I knew I didn't love him and I hadn't had to dig too deeply to know that. What we had would never even be able to turn into love because I was just over it, done with the relationship before I even said anything to him. What we were was just passing the time, marking a spot in what I hoped would be a full life -for the both of us. Across from me though, asking me this question, sat a boy that I had to admit I had strong feelings for, no matter how long it had been since I might have felt them at more than just a friendly level. Even when I had been mad at him, the positive had overruled and I forgave him, even when I shouldn't have. I couldn't say any of this aloud though. Answering no would finally let Dominic know that I hadn't really loved him all this time and it would surely ruin our relationship before I was ready to end things. Saying yes would be me continuing the lie, but also maybe accepting that there were possibly deeper feelings somewhere in me for Alex. My brain was feeling fried as this latter thought passed through it. So I just said, "Once." I said, "Over the summer. But I don't know what happened to it."

This hadn't at all been what I had meant to leave my lips, to reveal to all of those sitting here in the room with me. My tongue was loose, ready to spill anything after the drink I had replenished a time or two before sitting back down after all of the dares we'd encountered. It had also made my head a little foggy, and I was fully ready to blame that for thinking what I had about Alex. But it had fucked things up. I was having my first experience with liquor ruining something for me, and I couldn't say that I was different from any other person who'd had these same experiences. I looked over at Dominic, my face most likely in some state of horror. His own was set in an expression that I didn't think had one set name. His lips were set into a hard line while his wide eyes stared unblinkingly at the edge of the table in front of us, a sheen over them as if he was holding back tears. I didn't want that to be the case. I didn't want this boy who was always so strong crying because I was a heartless bitch. Both of his eyebrows were angled up in anger and I could see that his knuckles were turning white while he continued to tighten them in the fist he was making. And then, without warning, he shot up from the floor and stormed off down the hall.