Chapters On A Page

My best friend lounged on my sofa watching whatever football game was on while I got ready to attend Thanksgiving at his house. He dozed off more than once between complaining of poor defense and trying to sneak into the kitchen to pick through the dozens of cookies I had baked this month. The house smelled heavily of the berry pie I had shoved into the oven the moment we had arrived. It was the only thing that prevented me from freaking out by letting my thoughts take over my mind. For me to get through the day, sitting in the present and not dwelling on even this morning was the best way to go. By the time I finally descended the stairs for the last time until returning home later tonight, my sandy blonde hair curled and pinned up at the sides by childish barrettes I'd borrowed from Kaylee that matched the purple of my tights and the polkadots on my dress, it was almost noon. I was proud to look alive and together, as well as to be on time.

The few times that my mother and I had crossed paths in the time I'd been home, she appeared as if she had been up for hours. There was a crazed look in her eyes as she sped around the kitchen to finish whatever dishes she had made to bring to the Murphy's. But now she was calmed considerably and trying to urge my sisters out to the car, their arms filled with glassware warmed by the food within. The four of us were all dressed in our best, more presentable together than we had been in a long time. I didn't even think we had all been together, closer than being in the house all at once, since Lilah's birthday. I hated that because of the departures that had befallen our small family, the rest of us seemed to split apart. We didn't even have dinner together anymore. But I was also delighted that Thanksgiving meant being with them as well as the family of one of my best friends.

Murph's house was permeated with the smells of turkey and green beans, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie. The living room was drowned in the cacophonous sounds of Murph's dad and his three brothers yelling at the television as if some referees could actually hear them through the screen. To wait out the time until both Trix and Christine proclaimed it was time for dinner, I bounced down onto the couch in a seat between Marcus and Riley. Neither one of them paid the least bit of attention to me, which was how it had always been. Not having the slightest clue of what was going on in the game, my eyes glazed over and the running players became blurs of color to me. Shouts filled my ears but I couldn't and didn't want to decipher the words. I couldn't stop myself from flashing back to last Thanksgiving as I sat amongst what was practically one of my three second families.

My parents had been in the beginning stages of their divorce, secrets having been revealed and bitterness becoming more prominent than ever. But we had all still been together despite the fights that were sure to break out, gathered at my dad's parents' house which had always seemed like the middle of nowhere to me. It wasn't easy to get away when the arguments began to rear their ugly heads. I was sixteen with no car and no desire to drive in the first place. But the woods had been a perfect salvation. Knowing that I wasn't one to tolerate stupid fights that could have been avoided in the first place, my grandfather had proposed going for a walk. Despite the cold November weather, I had agreed and skipped out the door to head to a trail my sisters and I had always walked as kids. He'd looped his arm through mine though, steering me into the trees to a different location. There was no set path, just some trampled grass between the trunks and a few broken twigs and fallen branches to show anyone had ever been this way. In a few minutes, we came to what was clearly a manmade clearing, some tree stumps left around the perimeter and carved into small chairs. There was also a bench beneath the canopy of a weeping willow, which was the seat he led me to. All it took for the holiday to be redeemed for me was sitting there, bundled up in the cold talking photography with my grandpa until my grandma called us in for dinner.

This year was nowhere near that, though the yelling going strong around me could almost make me feel like I was in a time machine set for a year ago. I was happy nonetheless just to be around people I cared about, and who also most likely would not break out into a verbal brawl.

"Val!" Murph's voice sang from the top of the stairs, dragging my name out in a half-whine and half-sweet tone. It somehow easily broke through the noise the male members of his family were making. I hopped to my feet and skipped in front of the television to get to the bottom step. With some twisting, I was looking up at Murph who was hanging over the railing above me. "Come help me with matching," he smiled, knowing the grin was a quick way to get me to come up without melodramatically dragging my feet.

He was already back in his room by the time I had shuffled my way up the carpeted steps. A towel wrapped around his waist and water droplets shining in his black hair, he was standing in front of his wardrobe and thumbing through his nicer shirts. A pair of khakis were laid out across the end of his bed, next to which I threw myself down. "Uh, you can wear pretty much any color shirt with khakis. I don't care what fashion magazines say, and I know beyond a doubt that you don't either," I reminded as I propped my head up on my fist.

He didn't turn to look at me but the tone of his voice told me that he was giving me a look that was supposed to let me know I was ridiculous for believing his excuse for getting me up here. "I'm a big boy, Val. Until I go blind or colorblindness decides to run in my family, I think I can match my clothes just fine by myself," he chided, and he pulled a maroon button up from its hanger to throw it onto the pants he'd already set out. I expected him to move on to his actual point then, but he disappeared out his door again without a word. I heaved a sigh and fell to the mattress so I was completely horizontal, waiting out the time until he returned in his boxers instead of only a towel and his hair neatly combed for what I thought was the first time in five years. "I wanted to make sure you were okay," he stated while he reached for his pants. "You didn't say a word on the way to your house. Or on the way here. Sure, I'm a dude and I usually couldn't care less about shit like this. But I don't want you bottling up how you feel about what Dominic did," he insisted.

Had that really happened only last night? Only a simple twelve hours ago? It felt like so much time had passed between this moment and the devastating reveal I had made about my feelings for my boyfriend. "He didn't do anything," I responded defiantly when what Murph said had sunk in. "I was the one that admitted I didn't love him. If he hadn't reacted that way, I would honestly be worried." I kept defending him, and I would continue to. He hadn't even seen this coming and it made me feel terrible that all of my friends were probably thinking he was the asshole.

"Well, feel free to talk about it. I'm your best friend, so don't hold back," he urged, pushing the last button on his shirt through its corresponding hole. I sat there silent while he threaded a studded belt through the loops on his pants and contemplated whether or not to tuck his shirt in before buckling it. Maybe he didn't notice or possibly he believed that I was collecting my thoughts to make sure my venting came out right. When he turned away from the mirror hanging on the inside of the door of his wardrobe, he looked expectant, which I knew he would. I blinked at him, stilling lying comfortably on his messy bed. "Should I take a moment to be Nic and screech about how you can't possibly be so calm about this?" he wondered curiously, dropping his hands back to his sides in what was probably mocked exasperation.

I sat up, trying hard not to shake my head back and forth repeatedly. "I don't have to be anything about this," I countered, and immediately questioned if that sounded right outside of my mind. But I shrugged it off. Anything I had had to say about any grief I may feel, I had said it all this morning. I saw no need to relay it again, even to a different person. I had to ensure him that I was okay though, so I took the idea Alex had unknowingly given me and paired it with what I hoped sounded like a pained sigh. "Dominic was great this summer. But I got to know him while we were dating, and I just fell out of love, I guess? He's still fantastic. Just not for me." This much, at least, was true. "That's all there is. No sorrow to be had," I concluded with a smile. I vaulted to my feet then, taking hold of his hand to drag him downstairs while mumbling something about being famished. I was pleased to hear him chuckle, meaning he was finally dropping the subject. We bounded down the stairs, planning on heading straight to the kitchen to begin picking at whatever our mothers had already set out on the table. We didn't quite make it that far though. Once we'd hit the bottom, I took notice of Trix greeting someone at the door with a rather enthusiastic embrace. "Who's this, Trix?" I inquired, hoping I didn't sound too accusing as I slipped to her side. I smiled at each of them in turn, patiently waiting to be introduced to the man standing just inside the door.

My mother was smiling wider than I had seen her do in over two years. Her hand found the man's shoulder, the light grip of her fingers somehow showcasing compassion. Without her having to say it first, I knew who this was to her. "Sweetie, this is Sam. My boyfriend." Sam was a round sort of fellow, but more proportionately so -not like my father with the beer gut he had slowly obtained over the years. I suppose most people would probably call him fat. But he was clearly joyful, which let me know that he didn't let anyone get him down. The smile behind the thick black hair covering his chin and cheeks was genuine. He pulled Trix close to him, wrapping his arm gently but securely around her waist to keep her at his side where she appeared to fit perfectly. She couldn't hide her blush. "I thought it was time he meet you and the girls. Sam, this is my oldest daughter, Val," she informed him, gazing lovingly up at him. Oldest daughter nearly got stuck in her throat, and I had to wonder if she had told him about Emma.

Sam offered his free hand to me and I didn't hesitate to accept the handshake. "It's nice to meet you finally. I've heard a lot about you and your sisters," he claimed, the grin on his face never faltering. Even if I wanted to tear this guy apart to find any hidden motives he might have to dating my mother, I couldn't. I wasn't easy to win over yet he seemed to be doing it with just his introduction.

After I expressed my pleasure in meeting him as well -though not mentioning that I hadn't heard one thing about him- Trix was adamant about introducing him to everyone else, including Lilah and Kaylee. Anything other than Li resisting the kindly manner our mom's boyfriend was showcasing turned into a sort of blur. Trix revealing that she had been seeing someone -that she was in what had to be a strong relationship when mine had just ended- was apparently the final thing I needed to comprehend to send me over the edge. I could tell that I was interacting with everyone throughout dinner and the rest of the day, but it was like I had stepped away from myself momentarily. I was much better the next day despite having to work, which meant catering to everyone in too much of a rush to go home during their Black Friday shopping but not to be rude to everyone they came in contact with. This only led to me having a valid excuse for sleeping most of Saturday and into Sunday, hopefully preparing me for my talk with Dominic. It might have been useful for what I had thought I was going to say, had I not had the dream.

I was sitting amongst a long-flattened pile of leaves, all of them mushy with decay. It made me cringe to know I was on the soggy ground, but I simply reminded myself that it was a dream anyway. The sky wasn't blue as it was in every previous encounter I'd had with this young Emma who still sat on the other side of the chain link fence, nor was it midday as it had always looked to be. Though it wasn't exactly gloomy, the sky was a light grey only achieved by clouds and it was close to early evening. The living dead of everyone I loved had stopped advancing toward me, instead staggering around in circles as zombies always seemed to do when there was no living flesh to be had. Having no need to fear for my life this time, I focused on my sister in the next yard that might as well have been a different world.

I let my forehead fall against the fence. It was cold to the touch, reflecting the weather on my side. Looking beyond Emma though, it was still a perfect summer day with a clear sky and the sun touching everything it could find. I could even feel the warm breeze the longer I pressed my forehead to the cold metal. "I ruined it," I finally sighed after I decided it was pointless to wish I was on that side with her like I had the last time.

Little Emma shook her head, looking like she knew exactly how to handle this. "Val, there was nothing to ruin. Everything is going to be fine," she insisted, but she wasn't smiling wide as she always did when she was reassuring me of the stability of things. At least she still appeared confident about what she was telling me.

I hadn't really wanted to talk to anyone about my breakup with Dominic, not after the discussion with Alex, and I was now realizing that was because I had wanted to save it all for her to get the best advice possible. She was a figment of my imagination, but she was better at telling me how to go through life than all of the tangible people in my life were. Her words had suddenly confused me though. "But he was my boyfriend. I was supposed to actually put myself into this relationship," I argued, wanting to justify it for some reason. I remembered something then and blurted it out as if she was getting ready to counter my statement, though she was only sitting there patiently. "You never said that Dominic needed me. But… why?" I demanded, jumping back from the fence finally.

"Because he didn't," she stated as if it was as simple as that. "Have you ever seen him here?"

I already knew what my answer would be, but I still whipped my head to the left to frantically scan the faces of the zombies that had been a part of this dream for months. Dominic wasn't there and I knew without having to think back that he never had been. It only meant that he had never been important to me like I always thought he had, not like every other person in that crowd was.

It took me no time at all to wake up after the dream, and I kicked the covers off so I could jump out of bed. I was a little shaken knowing that my plan had completely changed in the course of a few hours all because of images in my subconscious mind, but I was ready to face it and be done with it. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweater chosen at random and shoved my phone in my back pocket before racing down the stairs. I slipped my shoes on in the living room and snatched my coat from the closet and then headed out to the garage. I didn't even seek out my mother to tell her I was leaving. I simply got on my bike and pedaled my way out the open garage door. Cold air whipped at my face and sent my hair flying backwards the whole way as I rode the familiar streets, but I didn't care. Even when my face was raw and numb and surely bright red, I knew that that wasn't what mattered now. It felt like forever before I reached Dominic's, but it couldn't have been more than ten minutes. I let my bike fall in the front yard, the frosted grass crunching underneath both it and my feet as I paced to the house.

Before last night's dream, I would have knocked tentatively on his front door, too anxious to see what would come of this visit. But now I wasn't hesitant about anything. I took a couple steps back once I'd done it, staying out of the shadow of the house and making sure it was apparent why I was here. To my luck, he was the one to answer the door a few moments later. Not to my luck, he was obviously beyond pissed to see me standing there. "I'm sorry," I got out as quickly as I could before he had the chance to disappear back in the house and slam the door shut. This seemingly caught his interest though because he crossed his arms to hear what else I may have to say. Or maybe it was only because I was too far away to allow him to slam the door in my face as he would like. "No, I don't love you. ...Not anymore," I added to keep that assumed truth going. "I should have told you weeks ago. It shouldn't have come out how it did, and I'm wholly sorry that it turned into this humiliating situation. But our relationship wasn't a sham like I'm sure you're thinking it was."

I wasn't sure how I was expecting him to react or respond to this. I certainly didn't see my apology fixing everything. I knew he wouldn't sweep me into his arms and kiss me to let me know it was all forgotten, and I by no means wanted him to. Just a few short days ago, I had wanted our relationship mended, the pieces fit back together as best they could be though the edges no longer matched. I had wanted to act like maybe I was happy with him and that maybe I did love him. But now I only wanted to hear his side of things and explain myself further so that there was no animosity between us. He didn't want any of these things. He took a step backwards, uncrossing his arms again as he went so he could close the door on me and leave me standing there with nothing left to say.