Chapters On A Page

Everyone assumed that I would be torn apart by the breakup, pacing around in a melancholy stupor because my boyfriend had walked out on me in the middle of a party that we had walked in to together. That's how it was supposed to be. That's how every other girl would have reacted. But other girls didn't have my mind with my thoughts. I couldn't even pretend that I was depressed over it. I knew this because I had considered trying, to fool everyone that was expecting me to be upset. It turned out to not even be worth the effort though. In all honesty, life was so much better now that I wasn't contemplating whether or not I should even be in a relationship with Dominic any longer, and if love was involved on my side or not. It was simple again. Carefree. I could focus on school again as I had been neglecting to do for weeks now. But more importantly, I could spend time with my friends and my family so much more when I wasn't overwhelmed with trying to locate feelings I didn't have. This was exactly what I tried to take advantage of during the last days of Thanksgiving break.

Going back to school when it was all said and done didn't frighten or worry me like it might have had it been happening the day after the Truth or Dare fiasco. There was no need to make it into a big deal when I had come to terms with how different things were going to be now compared to how they'd been the whole year so far. It wasn't until I was walking to lunch that I realized that maybe what I had prepared myself for was not as close to what was actually going to take place as I had thought. I had forgotten that Dominic wouldn't be waiting for me in the spot we had determined on the first day of school. The smile I had been wearing for most of the day fell involuntarily, and I let out a sigh while telling myself that he wasn't supposed to be there because I had broken his heart. I had to create a mantra to repeat to myself that it was a good thing that he was probably already in the cafeteria and not waiting around for me like nothing had changed.

I took a moment to work myself back to a natural smile, standing off to the side of the doors and digging through my purse only for a reason to look busy to anyone who walked by. I waited until the hall was clear to come up empty-handed and took a deep breath before pushing my way into the cafeteria. The room buzzed with the sounds of everyone speaking at once, talking over each other just to be heard by their friends sitting two inches away. Not one of them took notice of me when I stepped through the doors or as I shuffled my way into one of the many lines for food. It felt like a lifetime to reach the front of it, and all for a mediocre slice of pizza that's greatest feature was the crust that looked as if a stick of string cheese had been rolled in it. I handed over the six quarters for it nonetheless and then went off to sit down.

This was where the second difference came into play, something I knew I should have thought of much sooner. I had nowhere to sit. My whole time at Dulaney, I had sat with Dominic and James and all of the people I had met through my coworker. I was sure James would still be welcoming. He'd been friendly enough at work, and we were still on good terms as far as I knew. But that wasn't something I was going to risk. One person out of five didn't make much of a difference anyway. I could see them all from where I stood before all of the tables, in the way of everyone trying to get to their seats. It was like any other day; Art and Paul took the two end seats, James and Allison on their sides and Dominic on James' other side. The only difference was that Stacey was back, in the seat that had been mine up until just a few days ago. I couldn't help but notice how pleased she looked to be sitting there, possibly exaggerating the expression to make me jealous even though she surely couldn't see me.

While I stood there with tunnel vision directed at my now ex-boyfriend and still partially wondering where I was going to sit, someone took me by the hand. They were pulling me away before I got a good look at their face, leading me between tables. The fingers felt familiar between my own though, rough skin but a comforting grip. Alex was leading me to the table he sat at everyday, weaving in and out of others to get to his friends. He grinned back at me when it was clear I wasn't going to resist and dropped my hand, confident that I would continue to follow of my own accord now that I was aware of where I was going. He skipped to his usual seat, squeezing in between Lisa and one of the many other girls they sat with, leaving me to choose my own seat. I sank down onto the hard plastic excuse for a chair next to Jack, letting my tray fall to the table in front of me. I couldn't hide how grateful I was that Alex had invited me to sit with them -in his own way, anyway. I still tried by pretending to be overly interested in my pizza. "Val's going to be sitting with us from now on," he announced as I started to separate the crust from the pizza.

"Frankly, I'm offended that it's taken this long for her to join us," Rian claimed, giving me a feigned pointed look.

I giggled at him and played along by apologizing. I was careful to steer clear of any mention of Dominic though. I was sure that after the great summer I'd had with at least three of the people I now sat with, I would have opted to eat with lunch with them at the start of the school year instead of with James and his friends. But Dominic and I had started dating, and I went where he went while I was so enthused in the beginning stages of our relationship. So though he was technically the reason I hadn't sat with them sooner, I simply didn't want to talk about him and bring the obvious into the light. He was on my mind though, as much as I would have preferred anything else to be true, and it left me hesitant to join in the many conversations going on around me. I sat silent for a long while, gnawing on the pizza crust I had thought would be the only part of my lunch I would like to at least some extent. It was nearly the end of the lunch period when I finally spoke again. "Do you want this?" I questioned, turning to Jack and pushing my tray an inch or so toward him. The slice of pizza looked sad on the styrofoam plate, the cheese torn apart and halfway off at the top with all but one piece of pepperoni eaten off of the greasy surface.

"Hell yeah!" he exclaimed in excitement, and snatched the cold slice from my plate as quickly as he could to stuff half of it in his mouth. "Thanks, Val," he smiled, his words garbled some due to his full mouth.

"Well, you are sleeping with my best friend, so I guess I should be generous with you now," I joked, a smirk pulling at the corners of my lips. I placed my elbows against the laminate tabletop and rested my chin atop the fingers of one hand spread over the fist of the other as I looked over at him.

He guffawed, nearly choking on the food in his mouth. He coughed and sputtered a moment but regained his composure and swallowed hard after just a second. This had caught the attention of the others and, appearing very interested in what Jack's response was going to be, they all gazed at the two of us. "I guess if you say so?" he said slowly, so unsure about it that it formed itself into a question. But he was trying to stifle chuckles all the while. Only a minute of my unyielding inquiring stare was all it took for him to continue with the explanation he hadn't planned on giving. "I'm not usually one to deny it. But you kind of scare me. I didn't sleep with Gwen. I mean I did, but strictly in the eyes-closed-I'm-dead-to-the-world sense," he admitted, and hurriedly shoved the remainder of the pizza in his mouth as if it would allow him to ignore any other questions thrown his way.

I wasn't the only one to laugh at this but I gave his hand a comforting pat as an apology for my dig at him. I was feeling more relaxed myself now despite having to change my lunchtime company. I still didn't talk much, but I listened to what everyone else was saying and laughed appropriately at each pun and humorous story. The closer it got to fifth period though, the more anxiety built up in the pit of my stomach. It was far too close to sixth period, which was English with Dominic. Lunch had put the day into perspective. Before it, I hadn't thought one bit about the few times during the day I would have to see him. Everything had been okay -in my mind, at least- until I had been plunged into reality. "Ugh," I groaned loudly, and let my head fall to the table where my tray had been. It slammed a bit harder than I had intended it to, enabling a headache to begin to form just behind my eyes with a steady thumping. "Anyone want to skip sixth period with me?" I inquired to no one in particular, rolling my head to the side and looking up at Alex right across from me. Truthfully, he was the one I would have liked to spend the period with if I was going to skip, but I wasn't about to say that aloud.

Alex immediately acquired a confused look when my eyes met his. "Sixth period? Do you guys know what she's talking about?" he asked, keeping the serious demeanor while he directed the question at Jack and Rian where he sat with Kara further down the table. He turned back to me when I sat up again, shrugging his shoulders and raising his hands palm up, shaking his head as if he had absolutely no idea what was going on.

Lisa knocked into him shoulder-first with a giggle. "Shut up. Just because you guys get to leave after next period, it doesn't mean that the rest of us don't have to suffer," she scolded lightly, but took his hand resting on the table when he pouted playfully. "I'll skip with you. We have that test, and I am so not ready for it," she declared, focusing her attention back on me with a smile.

Now I was the one perplexed, but it wasn't faked as Alex's had been. It took me longer than it should have to remember that she was also in my English class. She sat on the other side of the room and there had never really been any need for me to take notice of her when I had spent most of my time in class with Dominic. "Oh yeah," I replied slowly, making it sound like I had forgotten about the test. This made it seem like I wasn't at all prepared for it either.

The bell rang then, sending everyone scattering for the doors after hopping up from their seats. Alex fell into step by my side so we could walk to study hall together, Lisa attached to his hand. "Do you want to go watch these idiots practice?" she wondered as we walked, leaning around Alex to ask.

"I would, but I can't miss my last class." This was most likely a lie. I couldn't recall what we were set to be doing in Nutrition today because I rarely ever paid attention. I didn't want to leave campus though and wreck the whole day altogether when I had been doing just fine with my vow to make school a priority again up until a half hour ago. "Do you care if we just hang out in the library, maybe? We can study for that test we'll be missing," I suggested, attempting to make it sound much more appealing than it could ever be. She nodded to let me know that that was fine with her, and she even managed to not look disappointed at my proposal. When we reached her class, Alex stopped so they could kiss goodbye while I continued on by myself. I couldn't stop myself from feeling a bit jealous, no matter how hard I tried to tell myself that everything I had thought about him the night of the party and the morning after was some product of the alcohol I had decided was a good idea at the time.

Alex caught up with me just as I was heading up the stairs to the third floor, putting as much apprehension into the action as I was feeling. "So your going to hang out with my girlfriend while avoiding your ex?" he questioned as if he couldn't exactly believe it while coming off more accusing than I hoped he had meant to.

"What? Are you afraid that I'm going to tell her that we made out on my roof this summer?" I shot back. If my hands hadn't been full of books, I would have slapped one to my mouth. I wasn't quite sure where this acerbic statement had come from. I wasn't mad at him and I certainly was never going to tell Lisa that I had acted as the "other woman" while she had been on vacation. I had nothing against her, and I didn't want to hurt either of them like that. And I really didn't want to relive our kisses when I was trying to move on from the summer. "Is there a problem with it? Should I stand her up and suffer though a period of Dominic shooting me glares?" I proposed sarcastically, hoping that it covered up the bitterness that had consumed my voice just a second ago. If it worked, I wasn't sure. He only shook his head to assure me that I didn't have to forget about meeting Lisa in the library and then didn't say another word to me over the next fifty minutes. I heaved a sigh when I realized that he probably wasn't going to forget about me snapping at him so soon or so easily, but I let it go.

I made it to the library first after the bell signaled the end of fifth period and I chose a table out of sight of most people just so I wouldn't get interrogated about why I was here instead of in class. By the time the second bell rang, I was still alone and thought that maybe I wasn't going to have to dwell on what I had basically threatened Alex with if his girlfriend didn't show up. But she appeared after a few minutes, a smile brightening her face when I looked up and confirmed that she had finally found me.

The first half of the period was as painless as it should have been. We tried to memorize the study guide our teacher had handed out the day before break and skimmed the book we'd been reading for a month as if the answers we would need were going to jump out at us. When it was clear that these tactics may not work, we began quizzing each other on the novel, mostly choosing random topics about it just to see if we could remember. There was a lot of silent cheering when one of us or the other answered correctly, and whispered curses when our response was wrong. If our studying was effective, I guess I couldn't really say. The truth of it would come about when we were actually handed the test.

I was confident in my own knowledge, at least. But I may have forgotten it all when Lisa decided to stray off topic.

"Alex really likes you," she stated somewhat wonderingly instead of taking her turn to ask me something related to the test we were to be studying for. She didn't sound resentful and she clearly wasn't insisting that maybe something was going on between him and I. It still had my stomach twisting slowly into a knot.

"Yeah," I acknowledged casually, working hastily to get my thoughts together to make sure that nothing spilled out as it had earlier. "We hung out a lot over the summer, got to know each other. He's kinda turned into my unofficial fourth best friend," I informed her, praying that it didn't begin to dig a hole underneath my feet, or make one bigger if she had already been suspicious.

She smiled lightly, her expression one of love as she lowered her face toward her paper. "That's good," she said, her fingers fidgeting as they picked at the corner where the packet was stapled together. "I should apologize for how I acted at the end of last year, when I didn't know who you were. I'm sure he's told you about our history. I just get ridiculous sometimes because of it all," she told me. It shocked me that she was accepting that she got jealous when he talked to other girls she didn't know. Most girls would never admit to that, and I could be counted amongst that list.

I shook my head in response, but mostly to hide the awe that had taken over my face. "Don't worry about it. It's an understandable thing," I assured her with a shrug and a smile. I let my gaze go back to my own study guide then, wanting to get back to what we had come here to do.

Apparently though, studying had left her mind. "Well, if it's any consolation, I'm sorry about what happened with Dominic, too," she announced with hardly any silence between this and my own words. "I've had that happen more times than I care to think about. It was always me thinking we were in love, I guess, and him only pretending. But I get it, you know? Sometimes it just fades away without warning," she explained as if it was some foreign concept to me.

She had contradicted herself, but I didn't feel like pointing this out. She was right with her first thought, at least, even if she didn't know it. I had only been pretending the whole time. There was no fading. Things that never existed in the first place don't have the ability to fade away. But I just nodded, forcing a sad smile to take the place of the appreciative one that had just been on my lips. "Thanks," I mumbled, and opened the novel for English that had been setting on the top of my book pile and opened it to a random page, pretending to read so that we could no longer talk about Lisa's boyfriend or the one I no longer had because my feelings were all for hers.