Chapters On A Page

I had been mentally kicking myself for nearly forty-eight hours straight, starting with the moment I had walked through the door after Alex dropped me off. I had messed up and I wasn't going to try to prevent myself from admitting that. Dominic had turned out to be one of the things I hated the most in this world. He was a cheater. And even if I hadn't had the feelings for him I had pretended to have, it still hurt me more than I could say. And then I turned around and kissed Alex -yet again- turning him into the same thing. I knew that he would still be a cheater with or without me in the picture. He had admitted as much to me, even if it felt like that had been years ago. A few short months didn't change that about him, especially when he wouldn't stop kissing me. Agreeing to go to this Christmas party wasn't going to help much either, not when he was expecting my lips to become acquainted with his in addition to my presence. I knew I wasn't going to talk myself out of going because I could never manage to do that when I thought it was best for me. But I knew I had to find a way to end whatever this was between Alex and I.

It was difficult to come up with a plan to push us back a step to simple friendship when I was still mulling over everything with Dominic. My heart twisted painfully in my chest each time I thought about how he had been sleeping with other girls behind my back -and probably not only because I wouldn't- and about the things he was telling people about me, spreading them through the school like a well fueled fire. I couldn't help but compare it to my father's infidelity though he was a grown adult and hadn't been completely immature about it. At the time, I had been sure that the only reason he had done it was as a guaranteed way to get away from us after losing Emma, to get away from me. I hadn't been old enough to consider myself grown up yet, so I acted accordingly. I was naive and I couldn't say I had fully understood his motives at the time. I had only been convinced that he had left me just as Emma had. And now I find out that Dominic had been with other girls when he supposedly loved me, proving he couldn't wait to leave me either.

All of it made me feel like an old Christmas tree discarded in some ridiculously disgusting pile of trash. A tree that someone -an entire family, even- had loved so much for one morning, maybe an entire week if the holiday spirit had latched onto them enough to keep it around that long. But then they hadn't had a need to love it any longer because the holiday obligation had passed. They wanted nothing more than to get rid of it so that the room it had resided in was back to its normal self for the rest of the year. They had been so desperate to get rid of this now rotting pine tree that they hadn't even bothered to remove the decorations from it. It was still hung with cheap, plastic, shiny garland and an array of glass and plastic balls were interspersed throughout the branches while others lay smashed or rolled halfway across the ground. This was precisely what I was. Something someone needn't love for more than only a short time. Something to end up as nothing but the broken trash of a leftover of some pleasant time in life.

Sure, my dad hadn't had the plan to get away from me when he had cheated on Trix. He wouldn't hurt me that way because he loved me. He had only wanted to chase away the pain he felt at losing his oldest daughter. And certainly Emma hadn't just up and died because she didn't love me anymore. It had been a cruel fate that had taken her away from me and absolutely no fault of her own. I understood this all now because I had let myself grow up these past two years. But Dominic was different. I had known all along that I didn't love him, but, as selfish as I knew it made me, I had enjoyed the fact that he loved me, that maybe he wouldn't disappear when I didn't want him to. Now I knew I was just that decaying pine tree again. It was certainly making my pessimism shine through like it hadn't for quite a while.

Instead of worrying about this, turning over every single detail in my head, I should have been getting ready for the party I shouldn't be going to. But I didn't want to get out of bed to do so. I had showered this morning at least, showcased by my still wet hair piled and pinned between the pillow and my head. That was all the more I wanted to do though, hoping it would maybe keep me from leaving if I wasn't presentable enough by the time Nic and the others got here. I was chewing on my bottom lip, which was now healing and coated in lip balm, when my door burst open at the hands of one of my sisters. I only knew it was either Kaylee or Lilah because Trix was out shopping with Sam for the afternoon and dinner tonight. When I turned my head on the pillow, my eyes found Li standing there with her arms crossed. "What?" I inquired irritably, knowing that there was some problem she ultimately would need me to fix.

"Kaylee is going over to Jess' in like an hour, and clearly they're going to feed her over there. But she's demanding that I make her macaroni and cheese while she waits for them to get here," she complained, a distinct whine to her voice that she only saved for moaning about us siblings. She fixed me with a look that I knew was supposed to intimidate me to jump up and give her some suggestions on what to do. Or it was possibly meant to show me that I should take pity on her and help. Either way, she was expecting me to get her out of something that had an easy solution if she gave it a moment's thought.

I sighed, slapping my hands to my face when I turned it back toward the ceiling. I left my vision blocked for a considerable amount of time before finally dragging my hands down my face, my fingers digging in enough to pull at the skin. Satisfied with my display of reluctance, I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. "Just tell her to eat some cookies or something. I've made enough the past month to last us until June," I reminded her with a huff. I had told her exactly what to do, which meant I didn't need to go downstairs with her, but I did anyway.

"Val," Kay grumbled as soon as I descended into her sights. "Lilah won't make me mac and cheese, but I'm so hungry," she whined, throwing her hands up in the air for a split second before whipping them back down to the cushions on either side of her.

I stood perfectly still on the platform at the bottom of the stairs, forcing Lilah to squeeze around me as I stared at our younger sister across the room. She matched me second for second, which I had to commend her for. "You're ten, and it's microwave macaroni. You could go make it yourself," I pointed out sternly.

Her face fell. "I know. But I like it better when Li makes it. It tastes so much better," she claimed stubbornly as I came closer to her.

"That's because food always tastes better when you convince someone else to make it for you. No effort and all the delicious rewards," I said, and playfully ruffled her hair, making her giggle. "Come on, you little freeloader. Let's get some cookies in you," I smiled down at her, taking her hand. She hopped up and followed along eagerly, and she joyfully picked out a dozen different cookies to enjoy and spoil her dinner. Once she was settled back in front of the television, sitting on the floor between the sofa and the coffee table while she watched The Grinch, I bounded back up the stairs to actually get ready for the party.

Fed up with having to deal with Kay, Lilah followed after, stomping along up the stairs and throwing herself on my bed. I didn't pay her much attention at first as I spun myself in my computer chair to face the mirror on top of the dresser. But my eyes kept flitting to the reflection of her in the mirror, staring into the contents of my closet with her head hanging over the end of the bed. "Do you want to go to this party for me?" I asked suddenly, knowing she couldn't just take my place but wishing there was a way she could.

She didn't seem to perk up at the mention of an invite to a party but she did roll over and prop herself up on her elbows. "Anyone good supposed to be there?" she wondered languidly, cupping her chin in both her palms and curling her fingers so the tips met either side of her chin.

I shrugged, still talking to her reflection rather than turning around to speak face-to-face. "I honestly don't know who all is going to be there. But Alex will be," I informed her with a few raises of my eyebrows. I hadn't paid much attention to how my younger sister's crush on my friend had progressed over the last few months, but I assumed it was at least still present.

"Eh," she responded with a shrug of her own. "That's all right. Rudolph is on later," she told me in a nonchalant tone. But the statement itself was like the Christmas special was the most important thing of the year that she couldn't possibly miss.

Now I did spin around in my chair to face her. "You're fifteen. Shouldn't you be dying to go to parties? But instead you're going to stay home to watch an hour long movie that you've seen a million times, and that we're also going to be watching at dad's tomorrow," I ranted, really just hoping to make my point. She just looked bored though. "And anyway I thought you liked Alex. What happened to your crush?" I questioned, gesturing with an eyeshadow brush clutched in my hand.

Lilah laughed and it sounded suspiciously like a scoff. "That was forever ago. The more I hung out with you guys though, the more pointless it became. By the time Halloween rolled around, I was kind of over it," she explained cryptically, but acting as if what she was really saying was obvious. The perplexed expression wouldn't leave my face though and she gave in after a moment with an aggravated sigh. "Alex. Is. In. Love. With. You," she elaborated slowly, punctuating each word to make sure I understood perfectly.

A loud guffaw came from my lips before I could even think to stop it. Before I knew it, I was in a fit of giggles, doubled over with my head between my knees and my eyes staring at the hardwood floor. I could hear my sister telling me I was insane, but it was barely audible above my hysterics. I was still laughing when I finally sat up again but I attempted to get my thoughts out before I completely lost it again. "That is… absolutely… ridiculous!" I exclaimed, chuckles attempting to turn into continuous laughs and causing breaks in my sentence. "The day Alex Gaskarth loves me is the day humans start walking on their hands and dogs rule the planet," I assured her when I had finally calmed down enough to speak without snorts of laughter interrupting me.

My sister gave me a roll of her eyes as her own personal way of telling me I was plainly wrong before she pushed herself up and padded out of my room. I didn't bother to argue with her any further because I knew I was right. I was still unsure of exactly how strong my feelings for Alex were. But there was no way that he felt the way about me that Lilah was trying to convince me. I didn't think I would ever be quite sure of what I was to Alex. I just knew that a love like that wasn't involved.

I continued to chortle to myself as I finished getting ready, shaking my head every once in a while when I thought about Li stating her reason why her crush was no longer existent. It helped me forget about how scared I had been only an hour ago and I was no longer worrying over a strategy on how to make sure nothing more happened between Alex and I. I was just slipping my shoes on by the time Murph barged into my room. He was yelling about how, even though I wasn't ready, it was time to go. He made no effort whatsoever to listen to me tell him that I was good to go, and he lifted me off my feet to throw me over his shoulder. I was laughing again while he skipped down the stairs, singing Jingle Bells the entire way. I bid farewell to Lilah who was sitting on the couch while Murph grabbed my parka from the closet, but we were out the door before she could reply.

Finally, at Gwen's car, Murph set me back on my feet so I could slide into the backseat and he climbed in after me. He handed me my coat so I could slip it on as we pulled out of the driveway. "How was my time?" he asked, leaning forward between the front seats to look at Nic.

"Two and a half minutes," she told him, to which he groaned in response. "Dude, that's good! It's not like you were going to get in and out of there in thirty seconds," she assured him to make him feel better. He only gave a huff and threw himself back into his seat. "So where's this party at?" Nic asked, turning around in her own seat to look at me.

"It's at Jack's," Gwen answered for me, and I pointed at the back of her seat with a smile to confirm her reply to Nic. "Which is why I'm heading there. Duh!" Gwen yelled.

The conversation between the two of them went on, mostly Nic badgering Gwen about her relationship with Jack. Murph added his two cents every so often, but I stayed quiet on the other side of the backseat. I wasn't losing my confidence in what I was going to do later and I hadn't forgotten the amusement Lilah's claim had brought me. I had simply missed listening to my best friends' banter. There hadn't been enough time to just sit and enjoy their company lately. So I took the opportunity to do so while we made our way to Jack's.

We split up once there, and I headed to the kitchen to get a soda. I wanted to stay away from alcohol tonight for obvious reasons. It wasn't a surprise though when I found Alex camped out by the drinks with a can of beer already gripped securely in his fingers. I hesitated a moment, pausing in the middle of the doorway at the sight of him. But I took a deep breath, reminding myself I didn't have to breach the important subject between us right away, and I continued forward.

"Valerie Rutherford!" Alex shouted when he spotted me farther down the counter from him while I was looking in the refrigerator for soda, and he sauntered toward me. He wasn't drunk yet, that much I could tell. He could very well have been on his first drink of the evening; it was still early. He simply seemed excited to see me, and this realization had me hurriedly scanning the ceiling above us to make certain there was no mistletoe around. "When did you get here?" he asked, leaning against the side of the fridge.

"Just now," I replied, lowering my gaze back to him. I only kept it there for a quick second though before returning to my original task. But he slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me back toward where he had been standing before he saw me.

"'Lex, I'm trying to get a drink," I complained, my shoes trying and failing to find purchase to bring me to a stop as my feet slid across the tile floor.

He turned his head to look at me with his perfected smirk on his lips when we came to a standstill. "I know. That's why I'm going to make you one." He dropped his arm from around me then so he could work with both hands. An argument came to my lips automatically but there was no point in trying to use it. Ever since I had begun drinking -accidentally, of course- he had started to embrace every opportunity to give me alcohol. I could simply hold it all night and pretend to sip at it every once in a while to make him happy. He handed it to me once he was finished, a smile adorning his face that practically spoke of going to a more private place.

But I took his hand, entwining my fingers with his and dropping them down to stay hidden at our side. This was only to keep him still, but he appeared content with it. I was attempting to come up with some topic of conversation so he wouldn't get bored and want to pull me away again. But all that was coming to mind was what Lilah had said to me in my bedroom and it made the pressure of his hand in mine weirdly uncomfortable. "So… I'm sorry to inform you that you've lost Lilah as an admirer," I suddenly told him when I realized my brain wasn't going to give me anything else to work with.

Alex snorted lightly and I could feel his thumb running smoothly back and forth over my hand. "I guess I'll have to take her off the list then. So how many Rutherford girls does that leave me with?" he wondered jokingly, giving a throaty chuckle that I couldn't help but love. "Your mom loves me, there's no denying that," he alleged with confidence. "Kaylee's the difficult one. She's too young to get my charm, I think." That made me chuckle, which made his grin grow ever wider. "I guess I really only need one of you though," he said lowly, and I knew the inevitable kiss was next. Instead, I felt his fingers detach from mine and he tried to look as nonchalant as was humanly possible, bringing his drink to his lips and taking a long pull from it.

I was utterly confused -though also partially grateful- for a moment until I took a look around and saw who was coming into the kitchen. For the second time in six months, I had forgotten about Lisa. I had forgotten the reason Alex and I couldn't continue whatever we were doing. Seeing her gave me the extra boost I would need to put an end to things. I liked her, and she didn't deserve to get hurt because of all of this, because I was careless. That all flew from my mind as quickly as it had come though, because Dominic had passed behind her in the hallway. My breath caught in my throat and rage bubbled inside me, heating my cheeks and surely causing me to look embarrassed rather than pissed.

Alex must have seen him at the same time because he turned to me instantly. "He's not supposed to be here, I swear to God," he promised me, and he reached out as if to place a comforting hand on my shoulder but he thought better of it. "I don't know why he is, but I'll make sure he leaves." He made to step away to do so, but I was already lunging to get to my ex before he did. Alex took hold of my arm when he noticed, preventing me from going anywhere.

Lisa came up to us at that exact moment, immediately acquiring an expression that let us know she was confused before she even began talking to us. "What's going on," she asked us, slipping her arm around Alex. She looked to both of us for an answer, but I certainly was in no mood to be the one to give her one. I was too busy biting my tongue to ensure I wasn't going to scream.

"Dominic's here," Alex answered her in a whisper as if to keep me from getting any angrier, and he kissed the top of her head as somewhat of a greeting as she leaned into him. Her mouth opened in shock and she took a look around the kitchen like she was going to find Dominic in here. Alex let go of my arm, confident that I would be cooled off enough to stay there on my own. "I don't know how he found out there was a party here tonight. But I need to get him out of here," he declared.

He should have been paying more attention to me because I was stalking across the room to get to the other doorway to the hall before he even finished his sentence. Once he noticed I was gone, he began calling after me. I could hear him and I acknowledged him, but I didn't bother to stop. He was probably chasing after me, but all I had to do was find Dominic before Alex caught up to me to stop me. I strode rapidly through two rooms, dodging a few of my friends in both, before finding him sitting on the stairs with James and Paul.

James saw me first and was clearly startled by the expression on my face, looking as if he was mumbling some excuse before he ran up the stairs. I was fuming by the time I reached his friends, one of them just happening to be my ex-boyfriend and my target. "How dare you!" I screamed, and I shoved him hard in the chest. His beer splashed out of his cup and spilled all over his shirt and jeans, causing him to call me something along the lines of a crazy bitch. "I bet it felt great to start rumors about me, asshole. 'Oh hey, Val's so horny we fucked in class.' 'Oh, Val's so easy she cheated on me.' 'Oh, Val's so stupid she's never going to find out I cheated on her,'" I imitated, doing a poor impression of him with a pseudo deep voice. "Except I'm not an idiot, Dominic. And you cheating on me is no rumor." My momentum was fading but I was still angrier than I had ever dreamed I could get. "And guess what! I never fucking loved you. Which is good, I guess, because you didn't love me either. I'm only sure of that because monsters can't love," I threw at him. I wanted to make a dramatic exit, but the moment I spun around on my heel, I ran into Alex. He looked stunned. I just shoved passed him and stomped off to get drunk.