Chapters On A Page

I didn't want to wake up, and this was only partially due to the fact that I could somehow tell the sun wasn't even up yet. Waking up also meant opening my eyes and visually reminding myself of whose arms I was entangled in. I remembered very well the person attached to the chest I had my face buried in. But squinting my eyes open even the slightest bit to take a tiny peek at him would make it all too real for me. If I was logical though, it couldn't get too much more real. Alex was really here in my bed, his arms wrapped loosely around me as he slumbered, his breathing slow and even. I knew it was him, and seeing him wasn't going to magically turn him in to some other boy. He was the one that had been waiting for me in the dark and he was going to be the one lying there when I mustered up the courage to decide sleep wasn't coming back to me so easily.

So I opened my eyes.

It still took me a moment to see everything, having to remind myself to pull back from his chest. But then there he was, sleeping away with his mouth hanging slightly open as it always was when he slept. Earlier in the night, when I had been half asleep, he had unwound his arms from around me to get up and turn the light out. The only thing allowing me to see him now without waiting for my eyes to adjust to the dark was the bedside lamp I'd had to turn on so he didn't stumble and fall on his way back to me. I was still wearing the dress I had been wearing then, I saw when I glanced down at myself, and Alex was still in the jeans and t-shirt he had probably changed into after leaving my house the first time. It somehow made everything feel right to know that neither of us had made any effort to change or strip down. It wasn't in any way sexual like anyone might have thought, and it was more spontaneous than I had ever personally known romance to be.

My right arm was pinned under his torso from having both of them snaked around him all night as his were with me. Gingerly, I wiggled it from underneath him in an attempt to keep him from waking. Once free, I rolled over in his arms and reached out to twist the switch on the lamp. Two clicks and the room was black, darkness enveloping every inch of it for a few seconds. I eased myself back onto my other side then, for some reason confident that I would be able to fall back asleep now. I was only sure it had nothing to do with turning the light off. I settled back into my spot, getting comfortable next to Alex and curling up next to him. Just as I closed my eyes once more, slipping my arm under his beneath the blankets that kept us warm, he began to stir. I held my breath, wanting him to stay asleep just in case he realized this was all a huge mistake.

"Val?" he mumbled sleepily, clearly trying to get his bearings and remember where he was. Or so I thought. "Why are you up? It's time for sleep," he informed me as if this was something that I didn't know, a slight whine to his voice.

I couldn't have fought the smile that came to my face even if I had wanted to. Partially because he was being cute, but also because he was worried about me being awake when I should be snuggling and sleeping. Nothing else. "I just… I couldn't fall back to sleep because of the light," I lied, because he didn't need to know what had really been keeping me up. If he wasn't fearful of the two of us in this moment, then I was determined to be just as fearless. "Go back to sleep. I'll follow," I promised, and wiggled just a bit closer to let him know I was definitely ready for sleep.

I felt him shake his head against the pillow that we had been sharing. "They're more important things to do now since we're both awake," he claimed with a smirk more than clear in his words. "Like kiss you. Maybe ask you why you finally gave in," he said, his words creeping farther into a whisper as he went, the last word barely audible.

I couldn't see him well enough in the minimal light coming through the windows from the street. His expression was a complete blank to me because of this. But I had been able to tell that there had more than likely been sheer contentment swimming in those dark eyes of his. I was as sure of this as I was that it had drained away and was now replaced by doubt. This felt wrong, and had me instantly fidgeting, fighting my urge to sit straight up. I was the one that was supposed to question everything that happened between us. "I don't think you exactly gave me a choice about giving in or not," I pointed out, forcing a chuckle I hopped would make him feel better. I didn't give him time to show it though. I turned my face up to his and my lips found his. I didn't really have a real response to his second suggestion, so I would be more than happy to go along with the first.

I soon realized that this was askew, my brain jumping back to all the thoughts I had ever had telling me that Alex and I were only supposed to be friends. I was honestly surprised it had taken them this long. They never failed to make an appearance. But he wasn't letting me go and I wasn't going to struggle to get away from him because I simply didn't want to. No matter what my mind happened to be screaming at me, there was always that one whisper somewhere in my skull that reminded me I wanted his kisses and his arms around my waist and it always somehow managed to be louder. I didn't bother to keep track of the seconds or the minutes, but I knew it was several and many more before we broke apart. My breathing uneven, I dropped my head to his chest. He was lying on his back now, so my head easily followed the rise and fall as I listened to his quickened heartbeat.

His arm tightened around me and I could tell that he was just fine again. Absentmindedly, his index finger began tracing random patterns over my arm. I could feel the tiny hairs raise in goosebumps in the wake of the trail he left as he went. "Why were you so pissed at me earlier?" he wondered suddenly after a silent moment. His finger stopped and he lifted his head from the pillow some to look down at me.

A blush crept its way onto the apples of my cheeks at his mention of this, and I was immediately grateful for the darkness that would prevent him from seeing the slight color change. The anger that I had had toward him this afternoon had sprouted from nothing and had been completely irrational. All of the exasperation I harbored toward myself had just worked its way into my thoughts of him and made this that much more complicated. "I wasn't," I answered honestly, though I knew he probably wasn't going to take it as the truth. "I just… I didn't want to hear what you had to say. After blowing up on Dominic the other night, I didn't want to know any of anyone's thoughts on it, and that was the only thing I could think that you would want to talk about," I admitted, casting my gaze to my hand resting on his chest across from my head. Every word I had screamed at my ex-boyfriend came rushing back to me and my vision blurred so all I could see was his shocked face, his mouth hanging open to make him look as stupid as he clearly had thought I was. It shouldn't have, but it still hurt to know he had cheated on me with every belief that I wouldn't find out about it.

Alex's hand rubbing up and down my arm in a show of comfort brought me back to the present and I could see his silhouette in the dimness again. "You…" He paused then, and I figured it was only to gather his thoughts, remember what he had wanted to say. But the quiet stretched on and I noticed he was holding his breath. I was just about to jump up and turn a light on to make certain he was all right when he sucked oxygen back into his lungs. It was all subtle, something I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't been watching for it. So I let it go, pretending like I hadn't so he would finally continue. "You didn't love him?" he asked after another moment, but I could tell that he had originally meant it to be a statement, one that I could simply confirm or deny.

Hesitantly, I shook my head lightly back and forth. "It was just never there. I thought maybe… I thought I could if I was given enough time. But more time just made me realize that I didn't even want to be with him," I explained to Alex. In the second I'd had to think about it, I had made the plan to lie to him once again, to give him some half-assed account about what I had really been thinking that night. But the facts had tumbled out of me before I could stop them. I did catch myself before I said too much though, which I was beyond thankful for. I had almost uttered he wasn't even the one I loved, which would be me confessing my true feelings for Alex. It was obviously more than clear that I wanted him in some capacity, but I definitely didn't need to throw all of the details out there this very night, if ever.

He didn't speak for a very long time after that, and I had determined that the explanation had been enough for him. I thought that could be the end of it for the time being, that we didn't have to talk anymore about my feelings for him or for Dominic. Once more, sleep sounded good, and I settled in and closed my eyes to fall into what had evaded me earlier. What he broke the still air with had my eyes shooting open again though. "I'm going to break up with Lisa."

I had only thought about sitting up since I had decided waking up was my best option, but now I actually followed through with the action. I pushed my way out from under his arm and I shifted to the edge of the bed to flick the lamp back on so I could see his face when I glared at him. "No. You're not," I commanded sternly, my eyes narrowing even further until they were only slits to see through. I was so against this that I was seriously considering shoving him until he ended up on the floor on the other side of the bed. "She doesn't deserve to be hurt because I'm a bitch.You can't break up with her," I said again, wondering if I should state it one more time to know that it got through to him.

Alex pushed himself up as well, sitting against the pillows that lined my headboard. He was utterly confused. There had never been anything more plain on his face than this was. "I don't get it, Val. What does all of this mean to you?" he questioned roughly, and he shoved a hand through his hair to push it back off of his forehead. This was an excellent inquiry, and one I just didn't have an answer to. So I shook my head in response and I turned away from him, studying the pattern within the wood of the floor. "You don't want Lisa to get hurt because of all of this, but you want me to stay with her. Don't you think maybe that's going to hurt me in the long run? Hurt us?" he pondered curiously, and I could practically see one of his eyebrows raise in interest though I wasn't facing him.

"There's no us," I replied like this was the most obvious thing about all of this. To me, it was. I couldn't say what we were to each other anymore, but I definitely didn't think that anyone could smash us together and make us an actual us. Not just like that.

The bed shifted under his weight as he crawled toward me. Though I knew he was coming, I still felt chills run down my spine as he pushed my hair away from my face and over my shoulder to rest down my back. "But do you want there to be? Because I know I do," he whispered in my ear, close enough that I could feel his breath on my neck.

I turned my head toward him, craning my neck so we were face-to-face. "I just want tonight." I couldn't say what I wanted to lay on the other side of the morning to come. I had spent a while craving more than friendly affections from Alex, and I had spent even longer denying that I was yearning for them. Even longer still that I would ever have feelings for him. Now that he was here, sitting beside me in my bed and asking if I aspired to be something more to him than what I currently was, I simply didn't know what to do with him. It was all too much. But I wound my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder, hoping that maybe he would settle for this for now.

Alex rested a hand on the small of my back and his chin on my shoulder, giving a huff that was either attached to frustration or satisfaction. I couldn't tell which, if either. But he made no protest and after a while, he gently pulled me back so that we were both lying down again, sprawled out over the sheets over my bed. As I began to drift off, my eyelids becoming heavy and my breathing leveling off with my body curled toward him, he reached over me to switch the light off once again. He rested his head on the same pillow as me for what I was hoping was going to be the final time tonight, his arm finding its way around my waist and his head settling in the crook of my neck. I was right on the verge of sleep when I felt his lips press lightly to my throat and heard him whisper, "I'm not just going to give up though, Valerie."

I couldn't even be sure if these words had actually been spoken in reality. It could have been my mind making things up just as I entered my subconscious. But they still rang throughout the dreams that plagued my mind that night. It wasn't the normal dream. No child version of my big sister. No zombies of all of the people I cared the most about wandering toward me, hungry for flesh. Nothing separating me from where I wanted to be. So it wasn't a surprise that none of them stuck with me like those ones did when I woke in the morning.

I lay there for a while, facing the opposite way I had been when I'd fallen asleep, and listening to Alex breath on the other side of the bed behind me. I could tell he was awake, so he could surely tell that I was also. But we said nothing. Made no move to turn to look at each other. I could only guess that he was afraid that I would shove him out the door and demand that we never see each other again. I knew that I just didn't want to be faced with those questions once more because I still couldn't get anything straight in my mind. Eventually though, he rolled close to me and kissed my cheek before he shimmied out of the bed and stood at the foot of it, stretching.

"I have to get to band practice in a while," he announced, seating himself on the edge of the mattress next to me when he had worked every joint in his body. When he placed his hand on my leg, I noticed that my dress had ridden up in my sleep and I quickly tugged it down to the middle of my thighs, sitting up in the process. As always, the reason was bigger than him seeing me in my underwear. I could see the question form in his eyes, poised on his lips. But he let it go with a shake of his head, and he smiled at me. "I hope you tell me all of your secrets one day," he disclosed with a smirk he tried to keep hidden while he took my hand with the one that had briefly been on my leg.

To this, I found myself mumbling, "One day." When I saw how it made his smile grow, I didn't regret it. "I wish you didn't have to go," I divulged in a small voice. It was something I was almost ashamed of. If we didn't leave this room, then today was still part of last night and it could still be what I had told him I wanted.

Alex chuckled softly, and kissed my hair enthusiastically. "Me too. But we've got a small tour this week, and I'm the one that set the practice for two. It would be so un-leader-like to show up late," he informed me with another chortle.

"Shit!" I exclaimed, shooting from the bed. "Is it really that late already?" I asked, though I knew he had no reason to lie. I nearly sprinted over to the closet, pushing everything aside to search for a clean polo.

"It's only one," he assured me as he turned to look at me. "Why? What's going on?" he questioned when he noticed I wasn't getting any less frantic.

"I have work at three, and no ride because my mom already left for work," I enlightened him, shoving one of my work shirts over my head before I even finished my statement. I knew without even having to look that I was right about my mother. The day after Christmas was as big a shopping day as Black Friday, and she made sure to take advantage of people being out by having specials on everything offered at the salon. "Do you think you could bring me?" I asked him desperately while I paused before my dresser, giving him a pout and batting my lashes.

He laughed loudly but nodded all the same. "Of course," he told me, and I automatically turned to slide open a drawer to extract a pair of pants to pull on under my dress. "I think we should take a detour though," he declared after a moment of contemplation while I was trying to maneuver my dress off underneath my shirt. I stopped, one arm pulled inside my shirt while my other hand yanked at the hem of my dress to get it to budge. The inquiring stare I pointed at him seemed to be all I needed for him to give me an explanation. "What do you say about me teaching you how to drive?"

I took a moment to mull this over, chewing on the inside of my cheek as I thought about it. Dominic had tried to get me to drive as well. But he had been somewhat forceful with it by simply handing me a driver's manual for my birthday like I would be pleased with it. And then he'd been expectant, thinking I would take his suggestion just because he was my boyfriend. But this was Alex, and he always seemed to have the best intentions for me, though I could never say why, and he was offering me the help Dominic hadn't. Maybe this was just the time where it needed to be insisted upon, that I needed to take another step to grow up. "Yeah, let's do it," I answered confidently, and then jumped toward him to take his face between my hands and kiss him full on the mouth.