Chapters On A Page

Before my relationship with Dominic had begun and long before I had admitted my true feelings for Alex to myself, I had developed the unwanted habit of comparing the two boys. I had dissected the way each of them kissed me, how their hands felt when they held my own, the grip with which they held me to keep me from getting away from them. I hadn't wanted to do this then because it simply felt like the wrong thing to do when I was pursuing my interests in Dominic and because I had been adamant about not actually liking Alex like that. But in this moment, it didn't make me feel guilty. It was difficult to really do so though when it had been so long since someone had held me the way Alex had been most of the afternoon and evening. Dominic had never let his arms wrap around me unless we were standing amongst a group of friends, making it look natural to make everyone think we were the great couple I had believed us to be at the time. So I was reveling in Alex's embrace, a smile never leaving my lips while we lay together on the couch talking the remainder of the day away.

We had started out sitting, a few inches apart at first with only our hands touching as we blindly watched whatever I had turned the television on to when we had gotten here. But we had soon become more comfortable with the idea of this, of us spending our time together with more than friendly intentions. I had curled up and snuggled into his side and he had gladly wrapped his arm around my shoulders to pull me a little closer. There was an ease to how we interacted then. We changed the channel on the television to something more appealing to the two of us, and then ended up speaking over whatever it was, joking and laughing together. We were soon even more used to being together without holding back as we had so much in past months, and we stretched out across the sofa and he put his arm around me once more.

It was strange, I had to admit. We had had one other moment like this, only one that had been brought on by a whim, all him wanting answers. But I had convinced myself that it was only going to last that one night because that was all it should have been. I was thrilled that we had been brought back to it despite how stubborn I had been that night. In these moments, nothing felt more right than his arms around me. I wasn't going to question it or put all of my worries about it at the forefront of my mind. I had spent far too long doing both and it had made me miserable the whole time. I was sick of not letting myself be happy. Didn't I deserve that much? To just be pleased about something, anything in my life? The problems -and there surely were some big ones- could be dealt with so much later. I was hoping beyond everything that Alex noticed that this was how I was feeling. I just wanted him to know that I was content in this moment.

He was twirling a lock of my light hair between his fingers, wrapping it around and around as he sat up on his elbow. The smile he had pointed at me didn't show off his teeth but it was still broad, the corners of his lips curving upwards with elation. I couldn't help but giggle at him, at the way he was showing off how fantastic he thought this day had turned out. When the smile turned itself into a frown because I wouldn't tell him what I was laughing at, I pulled him down with my hands on either side of his face to connect my lips with his. This seemed to be enough to satisfy him, and he held me close to him.

After several minutes, he broke from me, laughing himself now. "Do you understand how perfect this is?" he wondered, letting his head fall to the cushioned armrest and staring up the ceiling.

I guffawed, not bothering to stifle it or hide it from him. "What, does Lisa forbid cuddling on the couch on freezing afternoons?" I countered jokingly, almost refusing to believe that he could consider a day spent with me perfect. I had pushed all of the bad thoughts away, sure. But I didn't feel like this was one of them. It was just that I was still in the mindset that he couldn't possibly have real feelings for me. He was frowning again though, and I had to fight the urge to kiss the pout off his lips.

"Lisa doesn't matter here," he affirmed clearly, turning to look at me but shaking his head all the same. "When it's just you and me, she doesn't exist, okay?" It wasn't a demand that he backed up with a harsh tone and a stern look. His voice was soft, his eyes sad and pleading. There was nothing to do but nod in agreement that his girlfriend was just something we wouldn't speak of when we were together. "It would be so much better if I broke up with her," he mumbled after the few moments of silence that followed my nonvocal response, keeping it so I could barely hear him. He knew this statement had the possibility to ruin all of the serenity we had created here.

Like him though, I didn't want that to happen. Every time this subject inevitably reared its ugly head, my natural instinct was to jump away from him and get defensive while explaining my reasoning behind my insistence for him to stay with Lisa. But this time I pushed away the urge to do all of this and slid away from him only an inch or so. My original argument was no longer valid. I couldn't continue to claim that I didn't want to see Lisa end up with the short end of the stick, even though her feelings meant more than my own sometimes. But I had also demanded that Alex stay with her because I believed that he would remember eventually that I wasn't who he wanted in the end, and I didn't think it would be worth it for him to end their relationship. Now though, I was beginning to accept that maybe I wasn't just someone different to mess around with for a while to him. "If you two broke up… I think it would just raise too many questions," I pointed out, hoping this was enough to settle the matter and we could get back to just being together.

"Questions from who?" he inquired seriously, propping himself up on his elbow again as if looking down on me would get the answer out of me more easily. "Who is going to ask these questions that you're obviously so afraid of?" he pressed when all I did was bite my lip nervously in answer.

Still worrying at the soft pink flesh of my lower lip between my teeth, I thought about this. I knew exactly who these inquiries were going to come from. But I wasn't sure how he would react if I revealed it to him. Mulling it over wasn't gong to help though, so I blurted, "My friends." And then I resumed chewing on my lip because it seemed like the best thing to do.

Alex's eyes narrowed considerably and he pushed himself so he was sitting up, his torso twisted so his back touched the couch's cushioned back. He clearly had a lot of options of what to reply to this with and he knew it, turning them each over in his mind. It felt like hours before he spoke again. "Why would they care? What would they ask that you apparently can't answer?" he prompted, not sounding angry exactly but more hurt and utterly puzzled.

I heaved a sigh, squeezing my eyes shut for several seconds in hopes that when I opened them again this discussion would never have happened. That wasn't how it worked though so it naturally didn't happen. "I don't know why they do, honestly," I told him, pushing myself up so I was leaning back on both of my elbows. My fingers found his and I awkwardly took hold of his hand in hopes that it would keep him calm without me having to plead for it. Telling someone not to freak out is the exact same thing as informing them that they're going to want to rip your head from your neck in just a matter of seconds, and I wanted to avoid that at all costs. "Nic and Murph, they just… They both like you, they have nothing against you. But they both have this immense abhorrence for the idea of me being with you. Like that day at the treehouse in the beginning of summer. They were acting all weird because they thought we were getting a little too acquainted for their liking, I guess," I explained, flustered because my best friends cared too much about the boys I liked when it wasn't even relevant. "It wasn't… it didn't even matter at the time, but I'm fairly certain this moronic view still stands with them."

"So are you going to base what happens between us strictly on how your friends feel about the two of us dating?" he wondered, squeezing my fingers gently to let me know that he still wasn't mad. He just wanted answers, to understand.

I shook my head, my expression surely twisting into one of penitence, feeling ashamed of myself. If he thought this would be how I would act, then what did that really say about me? But I couldn't really give him words to back up my denial of this because he had hinted at something I still insisted was impossible for him and I. I guess I couldn't exactly say if I would take my friends' opinions into account because I still didn't think he should want me the way he did, the way I wanted him. So I tugged as best I could on his hand that I held underneath my own and urged him to lie back down with me. He didn't put up any resistance, letting his arm snake around me once more as we both settled in on our sides facing each other. "I would just… need some time, I guess, to figure out how to tell them. But you and I… we'd have to figure things out first," I said quietly, keeping my eyes downcast, focused on his fingers playing with my own in the small space between us.

Maybe he decided it wasn't time to speak about that just yet, or perhaps he simply decided we had filled enough time with words already. No matter what his reason was, he leaned toward me to close the gap, his lips meeting mine. Everything seemed to melt away then. Our discussion felt almost meaningless or some part of a distant past. The TV had been the background soundtrack to our whole afternoon, the entire conversation, but while we kissed I couldn't even hear it anymore. It was as if the whole of existence, my sisters doing their homework in the dining room, my mother out with her boyfriend, our friends doing whatever they pleased, insignificant strangers eating, sleeping, roaming. None of them were anywhere near important as Alex and I continued kissing, becoming completely entangled in each other for what felt like only a short period of time. I rested close to him when we broke apart at last, curling so I could settle against his chest as everything came flooding back and, with it, sounds I wasn't expecting to hear.

There was some shuffling and loud, pounding footsteps coming up the three steps to the front porch and an argument was taking place between whoever was making their way to my front door. I straightened out almost involuntarily and stretched my neck out so I could see the doors passed the back of the couch. I couldn't make the figures out behind the frosted glass despite the lights on either side of the doors making everything bright outside of them. But I could hear their conversation and I could distinguish the differences in their voices.

"Something had to have happened to her!" Nic shouted, and I could finally tell that she was the one standing right in front of the door on the right, yelling these words at Murph. I wanted to slap a hand to my face because I now remembered that I wasn't supposed to have spent this afternoon solely on my couch. But I only had time to settle back into my original position, hiding my face in Alex's chest. There was zero time to hide him, zero time to act like nothing had been going on between the two of us. Even if the door hadn't been unlocked, each of my best friends had acquired their own keys over the months. As they entered, seconds after Nic had yelled at Murph, she continued on with her worries. "Val doesn't make promises and then just not follow through. She was supposed to be there and she would have been if something hadn't happened to her," she asserted, so sure that I had gotten terribly injured because I hadn't shown up at my mother's salon like I had said I would. I wished that I had gotten hurt because I hated myself for breaking my promise to her.

Alex held me tightly as we listened to them shut the door behind them, still fighting about where I might be. But he let go of me after the silent reassurance that everything would be okay and he sat up once again, surely for the final time before the shit hit the fan. Naturally, my best friends were guessing that I was most likely in my room no matter my fate, so they were heading for the stairs as a trio, one being. But Gwen seemed to notice the slight movement from the right of them. She stopped, pausing in the middle of the carpeted floor to look my way. Alex was sitting properly on the sofa now, his feet on the ground, holding my legs while I was once more pretending that covering my face with my hands would make me invisible. She must have noticed him though because I heard him mutter a choked greeting.

"What… the fuck?" I heard Nic blow up then, and I could hear her stomp over. I was still too scared to do anything but peek between my fingers at Alex. "Is she dead?" she shrieked at him, clearly already knowing the answer. "Valerie Quinn Rutherford, what the hell happened to you today?" she asked when I eventually lowered my hands and sat up. She was eerily calm in her anger and urgency, but I could tell that it was going to get worse when the truth came out.

I spent a while staring at my feet, wondering if the hole I'd dug would show up beneath them so I could climb in and disappear. It was a no show though and I had to raise my eyes to hers, the light brown seeming to swirl with darker colors of fury. I shrunk under that gaze but I had to persevere. "I… forgot…" I told her lowly, trailing off when I realized how pathetic just those two words sounded.

"How do you just forget? It would have taken ten minutes to get here from school, and you don't fail to remember the giant panic of your best friend in that amount of time!" she exclaimed, and I couldn't have argued with her even if I'd wanted to. "And clearly you had a ride, so that's less time to distract you. It comes down to him, doesn't it?" she demanded, pointing at Alex roughly "Would you care to tell us what the fuck is going on between the two of you? I wouldn't bother with a lie, because your lips are a lovely shade of faded red from sucking face." She was back to being somewhat docile, but a rage still lingered in those chestnut irises of hers.

Alex took that as his cue to jump up from the sofa, looking uncomfortable and a little conflicted. "I think I should go," he announced, shifting his weight from foot to foot rapidly. His focus switched from my three friends to me, and he looked apologetic but I gave a minute nod of understanding. He still hesitated a second and I could see in his eyes that he was contemplating if he wanted to kiss me goodbye or not. But he knew that would only complicate my situation even further, so he raced to the door. I barely heard it shut behind him.

Murph has been seemingly speechless up until this point, but now he creeped silently forward to sit on a corner of the coffee table. His battered Chuck Taylors were the most interesting things to him for a moment, but then he twisted to face me. "You two… You told me you had no desire to be with him. And here you are, another one of his tools to make Lisa jealous," he accused, his voice working its way up to the anger he had used when speaking about this same subject six months ago.

"That was forever ago, Murph! I couldn't have told you then that this was going to happen. I didn't just wake up one morning and go 'I think today's the day I develop feelings for Alex Gaskarth,'" I retaliated a little harshly. "I'm not some tool either!" I exclaimed defiantly, jumping to my feet. "Lisa doesn't even… know," I enlightened the three of them, loud with confidence at first but then I lowered my voice, defeated, when I realized what I was saying. It was as if the invisible ellipsis that marked my unintentional pause was a volume dial I had suddenly twisted to the left.

Nic was gaping at me with unblinking eyes and Murph's eyebrows were scrunched together in momentary confusion. Gwen was standing in the exact spot she had stopped when she had noticed me sitting here with Alex. The only difference was that she was facing the rest of us now with her arms crossed, silently assessing everything that was said.

"You're allowing him to cheat on her!" Murph yelled, so loud I was surprised my sisters didn't come running to see what the hell was going on. Thankfully, they stayed put. "How can you do that after what your dad did to your mom? After what Dominic did to you?" Murph pointed out when he had gotten over his brief perplexity. I didn't have a response to this, so I locked my eyes on the edge of the coffee table, drowning in the shame he made me feel all over again. "I don't even… Jesus Christ, Valerie," he sputtered, more rebukes failing him.

I was grateful because I already felt as bad as I ever had. "Listen," I began, gaining at least a little bravado and looking at each of them. "Nic, I'm so sorry about today. I swore I would be there to help out and then I let an apology draw me away from my real destination. I'm a bitch, I am. And I will make it up to you in whatever way you want me to," I pledged, just short of smashing my hands together to plead with her to forgive me. I had to move on. "And I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys about Alex. I knew your views on him though. A relationship with him, rather. And I knew you wouldn't approve. It's not even like there's been much to tell. If I would have told you about my feelings, you only would have talked me out of them, and… I don't think I want to be talked out of them," I admitted, and to my surprise, I sounded as secure in these words as I had wanted.

This was Murph's breaking point. He vaulted off the coffee table and appeared to already be a foot away from it when his feet were actually flat on the floor. He continued to stomp toward the door, and it slammed shut behind him once he'd stalked outside.

A heavy sigh escaped Nic as she watched him go. When she turned to me once more, she was tucking her bright red hair behind her ear. "You should have just trusted us, Val," she said softly before following after Murph.

Gwen hadn't said one word the entire time. She still stood in the same spot, her arms crossed tight over her puffy winter coat. I stood waiting for whatever she was going to throw at me. "I'm not very smart," she stated after another moment, and she waved off the beginnings of my protest. "I say some really stupid things, I know. But I observe everything that goes on around me. Back when those two were afraid that something was going on between you and Alex, I knew all along there wasn't. And I saw the build up after that. I knew that it was going to happen. So I'm happy for you, I am. But I'm still pissed you didn't tell me," she revealed, dropping her arms when she was finished and heading toward the door. "…And I'm also not going to stay because Nic was my ride. Just," she paused before pulling the door open on the cold winter evening, "have more faith in us." With that, my three best friends were each gone.

I couldn't take the time to think about everything that had just happened. I could feel tears starting to sting my eyes but I attempted to shake them away, and I mechanically propelled myself forward to go check on Lilah and Kaylee. I could see them sitting there though when I entered the hall, pretending like they hadn't heard anything of interest to the two of them by staring unblinkingly at textbooks opened to the first page. So instead I veered off toward the kitchen, hoping to find something that would keep the painful twisting in my chest at bay but not really expecting anything helpful. There he was though, sitting at the counter, patiently waiting for me.

"I thought you left," I managed out, my voice shaky and low. I had stopped in the doorway, leaning against the threshold and keeping my gaze fixed on him.

Alex slid from the stool and slowly began making his way toward me. "I came back in through the garage. I couldn't just leave you to deal with the aftermath by yourself," he claimed logically, his familiar smirk finding its way to his lips.

I pushed myself from the doorframe then, having lost the need and the will to stay away from him. His arms wrapped securely around me the second I got to him and I buried my face in his chest yet again. The tears were coming now, ignoring all of my silent shouts at them to just stay where they were. I sucked in a hitched breath in hopes of regaining my composure, and with it came the scent of his sweet cologne and the slight smell of sweat. It was all him, a scent that had become comforting to me. "Just tell me everything's going to be okay," I begged, my voice muffled in the fabric of his t-shirt and hoodie.

"Hey," he scolded softly, and he pulled away from me some to look me in the eye. "I don't have to tell you everything's going to be all right. Those three people that just left? They're not just your best friends. They're your family. They may be mad now, but they love you and they'll forgive you," he assured me, his belief in this not wavering in the least. He pulled me to him again and I instantly felt myself settle down, knowing the certainty in his statement was absolutely sincere. All I had needed was for him to tell me. So I wound my own arms around his torso and let him soothe me back to a stable mind. We only broke apart, chuckling, when Lilah leaned around the door to the dining room, yelling at me, "Told you so!"