Chapters On A Page

Let him leave her.

Nic's last words to me before I shut the passenger side door of her car and she pulled away from the school rang through my head. They were loud, twice, even thrice the volume they had been in real life. At least they weren't the only sounds I was left with while I sat outside the school, hiding in a corner sitting on my rolled-up sleeping bag as I sucked down a cigarette. I could hear others chatting and chortling loudly as they paced up the sidewalk to the front doors of the building. Every once in a while, when a voice sounded familiar, I would twist my body around the corner of the brick wall to see if it was Rian and Kara since they were who I was waiting for. They seemed like the least conspicuous choice of our group of friends to enter with. But thankfully, they hadn't made their appearance yet. I simply needed to think after spending the afternoon with my best friend and getting her opinion on the situation I had troubled myself with. The thinking really only led to two cigarettes smoked to the filters on the ground by my feet and a third one on the path to the same demise between my middle and index fingers. No real answers. I was going to feel asthmatic by the time I eventually ambled into the auditorium.

The night was surprisingly on the warm side -which had made Nic's reason for driving me irrelevant. Really, it was still only in the low forties, but it was still much warmer than what it had been lately. Most of the snow had melted over the last week, the only bits left in piles that were too cold at their core to succumb to the minimal weather change just yet. The ground was wet and muddy, meaning my sleeping bag was probably going to be soaked through when I decided to stop using it as a chair. But I couldn't find the will to care. Not really.

It wasn't just the matter of whether or not I should let Alex end his relationship with Lisa at last that was on my mind. There was also the issue over not even really being with Alex but yet being willing to sleep with him. At least, I had been in that moment, sitting on his bedroom floor with me in his lap, legs wrapped around his waist, and our lips locked. I had dated Dominic for three months and had known there was something between us three months before that. Yet I had refused to give in to his insistence that we should have sex. I had known that I needed to wait, to be sure of absolutely everything. With him, with us, with me.

I had lost my virginity long before I was actually ready, but I had believed that I was as ready as any one person could be for it. I had been positive then that I was an adult, though I was only a few weeks away from fifteen. My sister had been dead for three weeks and I was still grieving heavily, though there were moments when I felt almost all right. I had been dating Andrew, my first serious boyfriend -and last until Dom- since the previous September. I trusted him when he had promised that the two of us sleeping together would make me feel better, though he really gave no sound reason. I trusted that I was an adult. Why should I question any of it? But it had all been completely wrong, and I was going to evaluate everything from now on when it came to sex. And I had. Which was why I was so stressed over my moment of terrible judgement.

I gave a sigh, breathing out the last bit of smoke from my lungs and throwing my cigarette to the wet grass with the others. I didn't want to spend any more time mulling this over tonight, but I sat there for a few more minutes still hoping for Rian and Kara. I hadn't really expected them just because I was now ready to go inside where it was actually warm, but I turned out to be lucky. I heard Kara's distinctive giggle and I twisted around once more to confirm to myself that it was the couple. When I saw that I was right, I jumped up from my makeshift seat, swinging the strap of my heavy purse over my head to rest on my shoulder, and I grabbed my sleeping bag before slipping out of the isolated corner. I caught them halfway up the sidewalk, meaning I'd have to backtrack with them. But I didn't see that as a problem.

"Val!" Kara exclaimed in excitement when she caught sight of me, and she looped her arm through mine as I turned my body to fall in step beside her. "Where'd you come from?" she asked, clearly wondering why she hadn't seen me until I was right in front of her.

"Oh, I was just having a smoke before I was locked inside all night," I answered, waving my hand in the general direction of where I had been hiding from everybody. There was no use lying about what I had been dong. Chain smoking like that tended to leave a lingering odor of every single cigarette.

"Ah," Rian said as if he should have picked up on it right away. "Don't worry about not being able to get out to have another one. There's always a way to sneak out," he ensured, giving me his trademark smile.

I was hoping that I wouldn't need another cigarette tonight, but I smiled back as thanks for the information he'd given me. As we stepped into the school, following the steady flow of the other seniors to the auditorium, Kara kept me occupied by striking up a conversation about where all of us should set up in case we did end up sleeping. Since I hadn't actually ever been in the auditorium here -every assembly I had attended at Dulaney had taken place in the gym- I left most of the speculation and suggestions up to Kara. We were still connected by our hooked arms when the three of us turned into our destination through the wide open double doors. They seemed to already know where our group was supposed to meet up -a detail I hadn't been aware of- and they led me with them. At first glance, it appeared as if everyone else was already there. But the intense glare I was getting from Lisa because I was with her best friend prevented me from taking a second look. It was like my first week here all over again.

I slipped away from Kara, keeping my head down as I shoved both my purse and sleeping bag into one of the theater chairs. I settled into the seat next to it, hoping that if I slid down enough that I would be hidden by my things. But I had already been spotted. I was trying to subtly situate my bag so it rested a little higher when Alex dropped down in the seat on the other side of me, becoming as poorly concealed as I was.

He shot me the smile I swore was only for me as he sunk down into the worn cushion of the chair. "Being invisible is near impossible when you're around me," he informed me, his hand creeping ever closer to find mine.

Knowing we couldn't be that open when our friends, his girlfriend, were a foot away, I removed my hand from the armrest that connected our chairs and crossed my arms tightly over my chest. Hopefully this would prevent him from being tempted again. "Who says I was trying to hide from you?" I countered, failing to look smug thanks to the smirk that found its way to my lips. "How long 'til we're stuck in here?" I wondered, looking over at him.

"Why? Are you already antsy to get out of here with me?" he questioned, lowering his voice to make certain that no one around us could hear him. He swung his head around with a knowing and wicked look on his face.

I glared at him and the implication, though it was mostly playful. "No," I replied firmly, but I knew as well as he did that he would be able to lead me off sometime tonight. That was just how it was between us. "I wanna see what movie they're going to subject us to first. ...And I could really use a nap," I told him truthfully, and then I wondered where the others had decided to camp out for the night, if they even had yet.

"What?!" Alex exclaimed like I had just asked him to give up his dreams or told him I had been born a teenager. His shout caught the attention of everyone around us, including Lisa. I didn't fail to notice that she had pushed forward to see that Alex was sitting with me. Alex did, however. "There's no sleeping at a lock-in. It's just another word for all-nighter!" he claimed, throwing his hands up.

I opened my mouth to argue, to remind him that I had gotten up at six this morning for school. But far down the incline of the auditorium's floor, someone climbed onto the stage, disregarding the set of steps, and asked for silence when he was standing straight. To my dismay, I recognized Mr. Hargrave. It was a shock to see such a rigid and hateful man participating in something that was supposed to be a fun event. But then I figured he had been forced to do it since he was a teacher, and I proceeded to ignore everything he had to say while other teachers began to close the double doors that lined the back wall of the room. Something about pizza was mentioned as I threw my feet up to rest on the back of the seat in front of me to get more comfortable, and almost every single person flocked to the space in front of the stage. I stayed put, as did Alex and Jack, Jesse and Rian. The rest of our friends made their way slowly down to join everyone else, Lisa continuously glancing back over her shoulder at her boyfriend.

"Who brought the booze?" Jack inquired seriously with a wide smile on his face as he threw himself down onto the chair in front of Alex. The springs squeaked as he twisted and turned to kneel on the cushion and he rested his elbows on the back of the chair, chin in his hands. Both Rian and Jesse produced their backpacks after a second of scanning the area to make sure no teachers were close and unzipped them, carefully tilting them toward Jack so he could see the contents. "Fuck yeah!" he yelled, clapping his hands together in delight.

I couldn't help but to roll my eyes. This was something I expected of them and I accepted it because they were my friends. I had even gotten in to joining them though I used to find alcohol absolutely repulsive -and still did most of the time, honestly. But I guess I had just wanted them to make this a normal evening with fun that didn't involve getting drunk. I wasn't going to voice my opinion on it though. I didn't need to make them feel uncomfortable or like I disapproved more than I did. So I pushed myself up. "I have to pee," I announced, bouncing on the balls of my feet before I could hear anymore of the discussion that had ensued. "Which exit…?" I trailed off, knowing they would get that I was asking which exit I could actually use to get to a restroom. Jack pointed it out and told me to hurry back, to which I grinned and nodded. As I made my way down to the door in the middle of the wall to my left, I heard Alex suggest that they should join the others and eat. I crossed my fingers that that was really where he was intending to go, but I didn't look back until I was pushing my way out the door. No one was following after me.

The fluorescent lights of the hall were blinding compared to the darkness at the back of the auditorium where I had been sitting. They disoriented me for a moment, causing me to have to feel my way along the wall. I ran into a trophy case though, knocking my knee into the corner, and I decided it was as good a place as any to sit. My vision had taken only a second to go back to normal, which meant I wasn't as far from the door I had exited as I may have liked. But I sank to the cold marble floor anyway, pressed into the corner formed by the wall and the cabinet. At least I wasn't exactly hiding this time. I rested my head against the glass side of the case, closing my eyes against the lights that shone on everything inside. Apparently, we were going to be encouraged to recognize and ogle the greatest of each of our sports teams even when we were supposed to all be equals while we were at the lock-in. I was fine pretending they didn't exist like any other time. Because of this, my eyes were still closed when I heard someone else come out into the corridor and ease down next to me.

"I didn't think you were coming," I mumbled before peeling my lids open and turning to see Alex's smile. I hadn't wanted him to. But I did. I was always contradicting myself when it came to my feelings for him. I idly wondered if it would ever stop.

He nodded and took my hand away from my knee, which I had been absentmindedly rubbing to sooth the throbbing in it. He laced his fingers through mine, automatically causing me to feel more calm than I had in weeks. I hadn't even realized that I needed to be soothed. But of course he would be the one able to do it by just holding my hand. "Well, I had to be sneaky, didn't I? It's more thrilling if I'm a ninja." He whispered to go along with this theory, leaning in make sure I heard his words.

Before he could pull back though, I caught his lips with my own. We were out in the open, I knew, but I didn't want that to matter anymore. I didn't want to have to continue to hide forever. I was finally realizing this after what felt like decades. When I broke from him, seeing his shocked yet pleased expression, I felt myself crack a smile of my own. There was no containing it. "I want you to break up with Lisa," I breathed, gripping his hand tightly in my own to keep myself from hesitating or stopping altogether. I wanted him to know that I was serious about this, that I wasn't second-guessing myself about it. It came out of nowhere, after barely any thought since climbing out of Nic's car. But I meant it. At last.

Hearing my words, Alex pressed his lips to mine again, hard. He was elated. I could tell in the way he brought me ever close to him, running his fingers through my hair, breathing my name any time we parted even the slightest. Ceasing was gradual and I rested my forehead against his, breathing hard. His dark eyes were filled with amazement. He wasn't able to get over my wish. "You're for real? You're not fucking with me, right?" he asked, completely serious but unable to quit beaming. I nodded quickly, eagerly, willing him to understand that I wasn't joking with him just to see what he would do. He jumped to his feet then, pulling me with him with one arm wrapped tightly around my waist as he kept a grip on my hand. Our sneakers slipped and squeaked against the shiny floor as he led me along down the hallway. The only obstacle preventing us from entering the rest of the school was a single gate, pulled closed and locked across the end of the hall we turned in to. But Alex led me through an unlocked door to a classroom and out a second entrance to the room.

"Where are we going?" I asked after he had led me down another empty corridor, a giggle escaping passed my lips of its own accord. I was holding tightly to his hand with both of my own, keeping up with the fast pace his long legs set. I recognized the rooms we passed and knew the general direction we were taking but I was still clueless as to what our destination might actually be, or why we were going there.

"The weight room," he answered, a little breathless from racing down halls. He was still all smiles, something that I loved. I was certainly confused now though.

"I don't think I'm in the mood to work out. ...Like, ever," I laughed, attempting to keep it light even though my heart had leapt into my throat and my stomach had dropped to rest at the soles of my rapidly moving feet. He chuckled, knowing that I was just joking. But he gave me no confirmation on why the weight room was the room for us to be tonight, meaning I received no comfort either. We skipped down a flight of stairs that would lead us to the locker rooms, a few windowless classrooms, and of course the weight room. With each step, I asked myself a new question, trying to determine if I was ready for what he may be thinking before we actually got there. But I couldn't think that quickly. My chest was tight when we came to the heavy door in the dimly lit hall. I followed behind him though, finding some ease in his hand still gripped in mine. "Seriously, 'Lex. Why are we here?" I asked, fighting the urge to whisper into the darkness.

Alex flipped the lights on, seemingly knowing exactly where to find them despite not being able to see a thing. "I just want to be alone with you, Valerie," he answered, his voice low and almost sensual. He tugged lightly on my arm but I fell into him as if I had lost my balance. His lips found mine once more as he led me backwards through the room, dodging treadmills and ellipticals, a couple of weight benches and machines I would never bother to learn the names to. I couldn't stop worrying about what the result of this might be but I melted into him, unable to help myself. We came to a stop when he backed into a pile of wrestling mats, tripping and falling backwards. We didn't part though since I was sure this was where he had wanted us to end up anyway. The vinyl of the mats beneath us was torn and cracked in places from years of use, scratching at my bare skin wherever it was showing, but they were still suitable. Or they would have been, if I didn't push him away after several and more minutes.

He didn't object and he didn't say a word. He rolled over onto his back, sliding his arm underneath me for me to rest my head on while he stared up at the bland ceiling. I lay on my side next to him, watching the hand on his chest bob up and down with each breath he took. I was fearful of what he was thinking even if he looked peaceful and at ease. I wanted to ask him what he expected of me when our relationship took the leap we had been waiting for at the edge of a high precipice for ages. I also wanted to ask the question that was tugging at the back of my mind, about how he knew this would be a place where we would be guaranteed some privacy even though the whole building was empty minus the auditorium. But words would ruin everything. Instead, I pushed his hair away from his face and then drew my fingertip down to his chest to trace random patterns into the fabric and the skin beneath. The light smile that tugged at the corners of his lips as his eyes fell shut made my heart thump harder than it had been just a moment ago. I leaned over just enough to kiss his cheek, content that this might be the only thing my night consisted of and that we could lie here for hours.

The sound of the door to the room clicking shut as it slid closed on its own broke our serenity though and we both shot up to see who had walked in on us. Lisa's gray eyes were wide and shining with tears as she stared at us. It was plain to see that she was trying her hardest not to let any of them fall. I could have kicked myself. I could have kicked Alex. I had told him what he had wanted to hear since the early hours on the morning after Christmas. But he had led me here instead of going to talk to her. And I had let him without a second thought. "You know, I knew this was going on. And yet, it still really fucking hurts to see you two together," she spit, and automatically turned on her heel and shoved the door open to run through it.

It was hard not to simply stare, dumbfounded, at where she had just been. When I glanced over at Alex, he looked torn. He wanted to go speak with her and explain everything, like I knew he should. But he wanted to stay here more, to let me know that I was the one that mattered to him now, not her. I shoved him, pressing on his back to get him to stand up. "Go," I said. He ruffled the back of his dark hair as he peeked at me, almost like he was confirming if I was serious or not. "Go!" I shouted then, shoving a bit harder so he knew that I was fine with him leaving if it meant we could be together later. As I watched him go and heard his hurried footsteps race down the hall before the door closed again though, I wasn't so sure that I was fine.