Chapters On A Page

For once, the sun was shining bright and warm, streaming in through my bedroom windows to wake me up for another tortuous day of school. But I had awoken before it had made its radiant appearance, if I had even really shut my eyes on the sliver of a moon and the black night before. If this would have been any other period in my life, I would have been excited about the clouds finally being pushed away by the sun, wondering if the day would be above the thirty degrees the whole winter had been. I had been anxiously awaiting spring and the nice days that I knew would accompany it with time. I just wanted the joy they brought me again, because I wasn't feeling it in any other way.

I painstakingly crawled my way out of bed and a tangle of what was surely a dozen blankets thrown on top of my sheets, finding myself on my hands on the floor. I pushed myself off the mattress the rest of the way until I ended up in a mess of my own body on the hardwood. I was running late, as I had been everyday in the past month. I could hear my mother calling to my sisters, warning them that if they didn't hurry up and finish their breakfast then she wouldn't be able to give them a ride to school. She had already yelled up to me several times trying to get me out of bed and had even come up to stand in the doorway with her hands on her hips to give me a stern look and a threat of having to walk to school. I had simply turned my head on my pillow to look at her and reminded her that I had walked nearly everyday. I was being snarky, I knew. That was just the mood I had acquired and I was having trouble losing it for anyone without forced and concentrated effort. So instead of getting up then, I was just now padding my way into the bathroom to go through the shortened morning routine I had taken on to make sure I got to school on time.

The house was desolate and peaceful when I finally made my way down the stairs and into the living room. I had neglected breakfast each day since I had started sleeping in and today was much the same. I shuffled to the closet to grab my coat and shoved my arms into its sleeves while I reached for the doorknob and then headed outside. Every last bit of snow had melted and had been gone for some time now, though the sky had been threatening it every single day. I had been right though while I had been bathing in the sun spilling in rays over my bed. The day was warmer than what I had grown used to. I didn't have to huddle into the confines of my jacket as I sped toward the school. It was refreshing to be able to withstand the wind I was creating with my fast pace, to not have my cheeks burn with the cold or my teeth chatter. When I finally made it to school -in only six minutes, which I was sure was a new record for me- everybody was milling about, socializing before homeroom began. I didn't pay them any attention, instead heading right for my locker and then slipping into my near empty homeroom to finish the homework I hadn't done the night before.

I was putting myself through this; the loneliness at school, the disregard of everything that was good for me, the bad mood I had been stuck in. I didn't have to. I never had to. But I always did. I put myself on a guilt trip, thinking that it was what was best for me and it was almost impossible to convince me otherwise. And there had been plenty of people trying to get me to reconsider the decision I had made. They thought that it was ridiculous, even the ones that didn't know the reason that I had made it. I couldn't disagree.

I had kept myself away from Alex for a month, every single day since the party at which I had remembered that I shouldn't be in love at my age. It took a tremendous amount of effort to continue on with this for longer than just a day, especially with the persistence he had shown after I hadn't returned to him at the party. He had called endlessly, beginning sometime in the middle of my walk home, leaving panicked messages at first and then mildly furious and questioning ones after he had clearly had a conversation with Nic. He didn't stop after just that night though, and it wasn't just calls. He tried his hardest to get to me and find out why I was acting like there hadn't been something between us. I hated leaving it like that, but I was scared and I just couldn't think of another way to deal with what I was feeling. And that was exactly what I had told him the one and only time I had answered his call, two weeks ago, hanging up as soon as I had explained it to him.

Sitting in the hard, cold, plastic seat that the school passed off as suitable, I let out a heavy sigh and let my head fall to the desktop. My forehead landed on the worksheet I was finishing for Spanish, smudging a bit of foundation onto the stark white margin above both the uniform text and my curvy handwriting. Sometimes I could swear that it physically hurt to be away from him, that my heart contracted painfully inside my chest and I thought about how I could go to him and just let all of the ache fade away. It didn't seem that easy though. I didn't think that everything would clear up just like that. But what did I know?

When the first bell of the day rang, I lifted my head again only to find the makeup on my paper. I spent the rest of homeroom furiously attempting to rub away the so-called ivory stain to make it look like I cared at least a little bit about the appearance of my work. It was still there though by the time I needed to follow everyone else standing and flowing out the door to head to first period. My efforts to get rid of it had only made it larger, but faded it around the edges. I hadn't even gotten to finish the actual work, meaning I would have to find time to do it during Chemistry. Heading that way, the paper resting on the top of the pile of books in my arms, I let another sigh escape. My time management was one skill I had been seriously lacking lately. I needed to get back on track and I had to work on a way to do that without involving Alex.

We passed each other in the halls more than once a day and he was always close, his shoulder brushing mine no matter which direction he was heading. I knew that this wasn't on accident, not even close. But I couldn't and wouldn't try to prevent him from continuing on with it every single day, in between every single class if it struck him. I had lost count of how many times I had found myself wanting to stop in the middle of the hall to kiss him by the time lunch rolled around. It was like I had mastered ignoring it though. I could push it away and bury the impulse without a problem anymore. So it was easy to reassure myself that it didn't matter how many times he had gotten me to think about him as I sunk down onto what had become my new regular seat in the cafeteria. At first, Jack and the others had tried to get me to sit with them as I had been, but they of course didn't know why I wasn't. Alex had even tried scoping me out everyday to try to be sneaky and sit with me. But that had all stopped after only a few days of me either pretending as if he wasn't there or sulking off to another table where I hoped he wouldn't follow. After that I was alone, just as I had arranged it to be… for only a little while, anyway.

I hadn't even really noticed it when Gabi had joined me, sitting opposite me at the end of a full table pressed up against the wall. I had been reading some article for my business class to get a head start on the homework I'd have to do that night and when I glanced up, she was there. I smiled lightly in recognition, letting her know that I knew who she was and that I was perfectly okay with her sitting here. I expected that to be it, for her to most likely find somewhere else to be a loner just like me. But she was there the next day and the day after, continuing on after even that. There was nothing but silence between the two of us for about a week, an impressive accomplishment in a room that was always so loud. I wondered if we would have even begun speaking if we hadn't coincidentally worn t-shirts for the same band on the same day. Maybe we would have. Maybe it was just time for the ice to be carefully tread upon so it could be cracked and broken. The friendship seemed to come about naturally from there, somehow, giving each of us someone in a crowded building where it felt like we had no one.

Gabi was already occupying the seat she had claimed as her own, her bag on the seat beside her as if to create a barrier between her and whoever was sitting on the other side. As had become the usual, I sat across from her, dropping my purse next to me just as she had. The not-so-extensive cafeteria menu must have contained chicken nuggets today, and she slid her styrofoam tray full of them toward me. Grateful for her uncanny ability to know the days I was starving, I plucked a breaded, misshapen piece of chicken from the others and shoved the whole thing in my mouth, already tuned into what she was saying.

"Mr. Hargrave was so off topic today. I think the debate he initiated was some bullshit about how professional athletes get paid way more than doctors and lawyers or whatever, but how they're worth it because we all need entertainment. I'm glad that I'm not the only one that hates this guy, 'cause he's a complete tool," she vented, rolling her eyes as she dipped a chicken nugget into a blob of ketchup in the only section of the tray free of food. "And everyone thinks I'm a big weirdo because I'm quiet," she scoffed before biting into her chicken.

I snorted lightly, swallowing before responding. "I think it's more about the faded blue hair hanging in your face and the ring through your septum along with the multiple ear piercings that makes them think you're weird. But hey," I exclaimed defensively, holding both of my hands up with palms toward her just in case she got the wrong idea, "I'm not one to judge. Except with all of them. There's got to be something wrong with all of them if they think that man is actually a decent teacher." She laughed at that and I gave a small smile as I ducked my head down to dig through my purse for a CD she had lent me. When I lifted my face from the contents once more, the slim plastic case clutched between thumb and forefinger, my eyes seemed to have a plan of their own and I found myself looking right at Alex halfway across the spacious room. He was standing up, his legs straddling the seat he always occupied with his friends gathered around him, and his hands were thrown up in the air as he exaggerated over something, making the others chortle loudly enough to hear from here. I shook my head to force myself to tear my attention from him and focus back on Gabi. She was in the middle of speaking, but I had missed the majority of it. "What?" I blurted, cutting her off. I then gave her a sheepish grin of apology as I handed the CD over to her.

She didn't think much of my interruption though and, instead of repeating what she had already said, asked me what I had thought of the band. She was fine with turning this into a discussion that we kept up for most of the half hour we had for lunch and I was as well, content to get my mind off of Alex again. We didn't exactly stay on topic, sliding somehow into talking about where the best pizza in the city was made and what book we had each been reading when our parents had informed us of their impending divorces, ending up on the subject of parties. Going off on tangents was clearly our thing. "You know, Allison Avery pretended to invite me to some rager she's throwing to celebrate getting in to some substandard college. And she actually thought I would be crushed when she retracted the invitation along with a reminder that I'm a loser," she recounted, sneering back on the memory much like she probably had at Ally herself when this had happened. Gabi was kind of the stereotypical nonconformist and she hated most of the things that she knew were popular. But I liked her all the same because at least she could think for herself. She was the most ignored and disregarded person I had ever met because everyone speculated that she wanted nothing to do with them only based off of her appearance. I was ashamed to admit that I hadn't ever really noticed her but for a few times my entire time here at Dulaney and that it had never crossed my mind to talk to her out of the blue. It seemed silly now considering all of the things we had in common, and I had made sure to tell her this, to assure her that I hadn't accepted her sitting with me simply out of pity.

I bit my lip, contemplating for a moment on what she said. Ally wasn't exactly popular, not in the terms that bothered Gabi, and I had never known her to act like a snob when I had been friends with her. But maybe she had been spending a little too much time with the popular side of Dominic's acquaintances. I didn't mention any of this out loud though, figuring Gabi wouldn't care at all. "Yeah, I'm not a party person either," I said, knowing that her extreme distaste of the mostly drunken get togethers was what she had really been getting at.

It was impossible for her to conceal the flash of disgust that spread across her face for a millisecond before a perplexed and curious expression took it over. I was sure that she would like to pretend as if I hadn't seen it though, so I acted as if I hadn't to make sure she didn't feel guilty. "But… you were just telling me the other day about the Christmas party. The one where you blew up on your ex?" she stated, her confusion twisting it into a question by the end.

In all honesty, I had forgotten that I had told her this story, mostly because I had left out all names and it allowed me to forget most of the details. But then again, it had slipped my mind that I hadn't been a party-goer to begin with because I had hated them with such ferocity. I had just been convinced so many times to attend them and join my friends in the fun these past few months that my hatred had been dulled to the point where I couldn't find it. I opened my mouth, poised to answer, but I was interrupted by the shrill sound of the bell going off to mark the end of our lunch period. I stood along with her and everyone else, my eyes reeling until they found Alex, this time with real intention. He had been the main reason I had gone to the majority of the parties that had taken place since the one he and my best friends had thrown at my house. And I had been okay with that because I had gotten to be with him, even if I hadn't known that was what had been the appeal for me at the time.

Gabi and I met back up at the opposite end of the long table and we walked together as the crowd around us carried us out the doors. "Just because I've been to a few parties this year, doesn't mean they're my thing. I get dragged to them mostly," I informed her mildly, continuing the conversation though I didn't have to, my eyes still locked on Alex's dark hair bobbing through the masses only a few feet in front of us.

It was possible that Gabi would have continued on with this discussion, either accepting my pseudo explanation or accusing me of trying too hard to be different. But neither of those things seemed to cross her mind. By the time I turned my gaze on her, she was pointing her own in the direction I had barely been able to pry my eyes from. "Why do you keep looking at him?" she asked me when she looked to me again, tucking the short hair that acted as her bangs behind her ear and revealing her left eye for the first time I could remember. It was easy to tell that she could identify who I had been watching just by the back of his head and it was clear that he was too high up on the social ladder for her to ever even consider interacting with him.

My hands free of any books for this half of the day because I knew they weren't needed, I wrung them together, tugging on my fingers, digging my nails into my knuckles. I didn't much like to talk about Alex since I was being a pussy about our relationship, so I had told her nothing about being friends with him or the others. She didn't pay any attention to anyone here since no one had taken the time to pay attention to her, so she hadn't known to begin with. It didn't seem worth it to tell her. Until now, of course. "He and I… We're kind of… We're together," I enlightened her, hoping that I would soon be able to break away from her to get to gym and away from any questions.

We hadn't been friends for all that long -three weeks at most, and I knew that there could be days deducted from that- and it wasn't like we had grown super close in that time. So I didn't exactly expect her to feel hurt or anything of the sort because I hadn't revealed this piece of information before now. But her forehead creased in annoyance, and she crossed her arms over her chest. Her lack of books today was simply because she didn't care to carry them around and if she needed them, she was fine with the minor consequences. "Then why the hell aren't you sitting with him and his posse everyday?" she demanded, dodging a sophomore running the opposite way as us. She did take the opportunity to shoulder check him though.

"It's complicated!" I exclaimed in response, watching the kid over my shoulder as he glared back at her, holding his bicep in pain.

"And I'm sure I'm not one to understand why it's so complicated," she guessed, on the verge of furious. She wasted no time spinning on her heel to turn down another hall and stomp away from me.

"They're not at all how you think they are," I yelled after her, doubting she could even hear me over the clamor of the plethora of other students trying to get to class. That didn't stop me from continuing to speak to her. "For someone who hates to be judged herself, you sure love to judge everyone else," I spat, and instantly regretted it. There was certainly a truth to it, but I still hoped that she really hadn't been able to hear me. Whether I ever spoke to her again after today or not, I didn't want her hating me for some petty words.

With a huff, I turned away from her figure retreating through the dwindling sea of people and finally got on my way to the locker room. The bell rang on my way there, confirming to me what I already knew: I was late. I rushed to get changed as soon as I got to the tiny locker designated for me, exiting once more on the tail end of the last girls ambling along while sticking my arm through the sleeve of my gym shirt. Crossing through the double doors into the wide expanse of the gym, out of breath, I found that my efforts to hurry had been unnecessary because we had a sub. Fumbling with the clipboard that never left the hands of our regular teacher, she took attendance as I marched passed her to take my seat on the polished wood floor. She was having difficulty doing just that, so it was obvious she wasn't going to make us continue with the mock volleyball tournament we had been playing for the last week.

Thankful that I wouldn't have to deal with anyone barking at me about my subpar participation, I got to my feet once the substitute declared we were free to do as we pleased just to sit down once more in the bleachers that were slid out to leave a few levels to sit. I scooted back on the lowest row until my back met the second and crossed my legs in front of me, settling in to watch a third of the class toss the volleyball around without really playing while the majority of us broke apart to socialize. My eyes roamed all the faces in the room, looking for a particular one. Just because I wasn't talking to Alex because I didn't know how to handle my feelings, it didn't mean I was going to deny myself the pleasure of looking at him. If it made me a stalker, then so be it. But I couldn't find him anywhere out on the floor, and twisting around to scan the bleachers would be far too obvious. So I just continued to watch the mediocre game, the last bit of my hope disappearing and leaving my shoulders sagging. I should have known that he would take the opportunity, that he would fall into the space next to me while I wasn't paying attention. That was the sort of thing he always did.

"You're not going to run away?" he wondered, sounding surprised, after we had sat with nothing but silence passing between us. I kept it up on my end keeping my lips locked tight with my tongue between my teeth. Sure, I may not have been bolting away from him, making up some excuse for the sub to let me out of the gym. But that didn't mean I was going to give in to speaking to him and inevitably spill everything that had been on my mind. After another minute or so of me refusing to respond, he sighed. "Why won't you just talk to me? I get that you may have some fears about us finally being able to be together. But I think you've had plenty of time to think it all over, and I've tried my hardest to keep my distance. So, if you want this to be on… or over… please, just tell me, Valerie," he begged. From the corner of my eye, I could see him begin to reach his hand out to slip into mine, but he caught himself and pulled back.

This, plus the addition of my full name on his lips, started the break inside me. The longing of wanting to be with him had found a sledgehammer and it was taking it to the walls I had built up. Not just the ones I had constructed, brick by brick, this past month, but also the ones that had been in place for years. I pushed myself forward on the bench until my feet were flat on the floor and I breathed a sigh of my own. "Saturday. The treehouse," I suggested in a whisper that I knew he would hear. I didn't give him time to say anything else though, to argue or to question, instead standing with a feigned illness to get me back to the locker room already forming in my mind.