Chapters On A Page

Spring was finally in the Maryland air, and I was soaking it up every way I could. Like I had in the early stages of the fall, I was spending every second possible out on the back porch to enjoy the warmer days. Doing my homework, reading, taking pictures for the first time in weeks, playing with my youngest sister. It wasn't quite to the point where the days were consistently in the sixties or where the wind didn't make an appearance for the majority of any given afternoon. But it was barely even spring, so I knew that it was only a matter of time until it was beautiful every day. I was excited for those days, hoping I would have a smile on my face for more than just that one simple reason.

I barely slept Friday night, already staying up late because the closer it got to the end of the school year the more I became a night owl out of habit. On top of this though was the relentless tossing and turning, thinking about what might happen with Alex the next day. I wished I could say that I was feeling bad or guilty over the stupid fight with my newest friend, but I didn't really see the need, I suppose. But I guess it could be said that I was feeling guilty over not being able to feel like the bad guy in all of it. When I was finally able to shut my eyes and get an hour or two of sleep, there wasn't even the most minuscule part of my mind focusing on the disagreement. If it would continue to be a problem, I figured it could be dealt with when it let itself be known again.

I was woken by the song of two birds sitting on the sill outside of the open window closest to my pillow. Momentarily, I glared over at them and lifted another pillow to toss it furiously at the screen and send them scattering. I was instantly reminded though that today had the potential to be a good day -a great day!- and I was going to take the avian couple as a positive omen. Of course, I would have to ignore the fact that my sudden movement had sent them fluttering off to the bare branches of the tree in the corner of the front yard. I loosened my grip on the thin pillow, letting it drop back onto the mattress before I swung my legs over the side of the bed and out from under the blanket to stand up. I was quick in getting ready, if it could have been considered getting ready. I simply washed my face and brushed my teeth before throwing my hair into a braid. The majority of my family -with the only exception being Lilah who had been up late as well- had been awake and skipping to the kitchen when I had fallen asleep. At this time, even she was with Trix, Kaylee, and Sam sitting around the counter. All four of them greeted me delightedly with warm smiles when I propelled myself through the kitchen doorway, my messenger bag swinging on my shoulder. As I wound my arm between my sisters to snatch a now cold pancake from a diminished stack, I informed them all of my plans for the day and that I was leaving right away. They didn't object to this, but Sam made me promise that I would be home in time for the five of us to go out to dinner. My mouth full, I promised I would be while pushing my way out to the garage.

The garage door was already open from my mother's habit of forgetting to shut it most nights, so all I had to do was grab my bike, pushing the kickstand up with the toe of my shoe before wheeling it out onto the driveway. Once at the street that appeared desolate despite the beautiful weather, I hopped onto the seat and began my journey. Though the air was warm, there was still an unnecessary breeze and I was thankful for my hoodie as I pedaled through it. But the sun shining bright in the perfect, cloudless, blue sky made up for it in my eyes. I made it to the deserted fort in the middle of the woods within a half hour, encountering more Saturday morning life as I went. Of course, there was no one around the place my friends and I had claimed our own, just as there never was. I hadn't specified a time for Alex and I hadn't given him a chance to ask after I had walked away, but I was happy to sit and wait for him. I jumped from my bike when I was only a few feet from the fort, listening to the damp yet rapidly drying leaves squish and crunch under my feet and tires.

I left my bike on the edge of the lane that had led me here, still littered with the remnants of autumn, before tiptoeing my way through the revived grass to get to the ladder the leaned up against the opening of the treehouse. I only stepped onto the lowest rung and then twisted around to sit on the third one. I swung my bag from my shoulder to rifle through it and extract a book to keep me busy. I hadn't been counting on it failing me though. I was continuously casting my gaze toward the lane after reading only a word or two, my eyes in a constant saccade. It took me several minutes of letting my eyes drift above the top edge of the novel before I even noticed this or that I had read the same sentence at least a dozen times without it sinking in even once. With a sigh, I snapped the book shut on the bookmark and stuffed it back into my bag which I then threw behind me into the fort. The minimal noise caused by this must have been enough to cover the sound of tires crunching their way down the makeshift road as it carried the car I had been waiting for.

Suddenly, my heart was in my throat and, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't swallow it back down to rest in its cavity in my chest. I didn't want to blatantly stare, to make it obvious that I was beyond thrilled to see him, that I was pleasantly amazed that he had shown up so early or at all. I didn't know where else to point my eyes though. I was contemplating smacking myself for discarding my book so callously. It could have been my best bet to look so preoccupied that I hadn't even heard him coming. But punishing myself would be foolish. I may not have wanted to show my joy at getting to talk this out, but he wouldn't see the need for me to hide it. He wasn't one to lay on the guilt and remind me that we could have done this any time much sooner.

I was startled back to the present by the sound of Alex shutting his car door and my eyes shot to him coming toward me, blinking to force moisture back into them after seconds of my lids being seemingly pinned open as they focused on the ground. He was stuffing his keys into the front pocket of his jeans, walking slowly as if he was hesitant to come any closer in case I pulled my timid cat act and ran off at the first sign of interaction. "I hope you haven't been waiting long," he said softly, cracking a tiny smile that was meant to put him in my good graces. I shook my head to let him know that I hadn't been here long at all, causing my bangs to fall into my eyes. I swept them back, attempting to shove them behind my ear to no avail, just wanting something for my fingers to do. He had halted a yard away from the foot of the ladder, but he now continued forward, speaking. "You don't even need to explain, Val. I just want you back," he expressed, tripping some over his words in his haste to get them out and get them right.

They didn't exactly make me angry, but I gave a frustrated sigh and heaved myself from my seat on the ladder. "But I do need to explain. I don't think you understand just how terrifying it is to realize that you love someone at the age of seventeen. And not just the petty shit that every couple dating for two weeks claim they have just because they whisper some words to each other when they stick their tongues down each others' throats," I began, somehow ending up in a rant that I knew was going to go nowhere if I continued with it. This hadn't exactly been meant as a gibe at his previous relationship, because how was I to know what feelings he and Lisa had really shared with each other, no matter how turned off by it I had been? But I was going to let him take it however he wanted. "I mean like real, serious love. It's fucking scary, Alex. Do you know that?" I demanded, rounding on him after I had taken several steps toward the stream.

He had been following me, maybe purposefully or perhaps he was doing it involuntarily, drawn to me for some reason. He stopped abruptly now, not wanting to fall into me. We were only inches apart and I could feel the heat coming off his skin. I wanted him to put his arms around me. "...What?" he questioned after a moment of silence. I was sure he had really meant to answer the question I had posed at first. But then it had occurred to him what I had just said, what I had revealed about my feelings toward him.

"I love you, Alex," I repeated, though in far fewer words, shrugging my shoulders to show just how comfortable I was with saying it. My ease with it was what was making it harder for me to get a handle on. I snorted softly, just a small breath out of my nose, and shook my head with an unbelieving smile. "I love you and I am so afraid of it that the only thing I could think to do was just walk away from it. But it catches you. It latches onto your back with its claws digging in deep," I claimed, and bit down hard on my lower lip when I was finished, walking forward again to get back to the ladder. I could taste blood seeping onto my tongue.

"What makes you so afraid of it, Valerie?!" he yelled back, baffled and annoyed just because he couldn't read my mind. I wasn't going to begrudge him for this. He had every right to scream his frustrations at me. "If it's because you think I don't love you back, you're wrong. I do. I love you. Remember? You forbid me to say it on New Year's. But it hasn't changed," he divulged. With the words out, he threw his arm up to ruffle the back of his hair and he closed his lids on his chocolate-colored eyes.

My response came to me immediately, almost as if I hadn't even really thought it up but rather that it had formed itself and had been waiting for the right time to come forward. It got stuck in my throat though, ramming itself in there along with my heart. I had to give myself a minute, to do nothing but look down at my feet, at long blades of grass still wet with morning dew poking through the holes in my Vans to gently tickle the tops my feet. And then it just worked its way out, allowing me to fling the admission into the air. "I'm scared that I'm going to get my heart broken," I disclosed, spinning in the grass to focus on him once more. It was like he hadn't even just told me that he loved me, like he hadn't reminded me of our short walk to Gwen's house and the words he had almost said. There was no way I could have forgotten that. It was forever burned into my brain. But I couldn't help but be frightened that it was only temporary. That maybe it really had changed in between then and now.

Alex made to take a step toward me, his arm stretched to touch his fingers to my arm. But I shuffled backwards a step, not yet ready to find solace in his arms. "Not to dig up the past, because let's face it," he laughed angrily, "some of the things from the last few months are better off left there. But you got dumped not all that long ago. And don't even try to convince me that it didn't bother you at least a little bit, because I saw how his cheating affected you." He took a moment to breathe and pull himself back from the irritation he was letting build up. I couldn't quite tell if this temper was supposed to be pointed at me, or at Dominic for his lies when he had been with me and the rumors he had spread after we'd broken up. "But you hadn't been afraid of a broken heart then, clearly, because you blurted out that you had no real feelings for him in front of me, him, and ten other people who weren't all that fond of him. He didn't even care about you. But I- I'm not going to hurt you, Valerie," he promised, falling out of his tirade and letting his voice become gentle and affectionate. He began to come towards me again, ignoring this time how I might react.

I was backing up, taking large steps behind me without a glance over my shoulder. I bumped into the fort's ladder, smashing my elbow into one of the higher rungs. I winced in pain but sidestepped so that I was in front of it to give me an escape route. How I was going to escape if Alex decided to follow me up into the treehouse, I wasn't sure. I wasn't really bothering to think that far ahead. I sat against the thin but sturdy wood of the old ladder again, leaning at the exact angle it had kept for years while I kept my head ducked down as if in shame. I had realized that I was crying, salty tears running warm tracks down my cheeks, and I didn't want him to see as he got closer. I wasn't even sure I had a reason to cry. I lifted my hand, the sleeve of my hoodie pulled up to the tips of my fingers, and brushed away as many of the tears as I could with the fist I formed around the fabric. "You could leave. Everyone leaves," I mumbled, almost hoping he couldn't hear me. My discarded Christmas tree analogy was brought back to mind but I tried to push it away. I didn't want to feel like that again and I didn't want to think of the possibility.

I could see his shoes now, the grass folding under his Nikes where they were placed to stand on either side of mine. He had gotten so much closer and I wasn't pushing him away. "No one left you. I know that's how it might feel, but everyone's still here for you. Even your sister. And I'm sure as hell not going anywhere. I'm gonna stay put," he assured me, slowly reaching his hand to place thumb and forefinger on my chin to gently lift my face to his. When our eyes met, he brushed my bangs away from my face and carefully erased any sign of the few tears I had left behind with the pads of his thumbs with his hands on both sides of my face.

I sniffled as a few more droplets leaked out over the rim of my lower lids but a meek smirk still found its way onto my lips. All the while, there was still a gnawing in my gut demanding to be dealt with. "I'm just… I'm worried that you'll go back to some of your old ways," I blurted after only a moment's hesitation. I hadn't even been aware that I felt this way. Not anymore, at least. I had suspected, before we had even been allowed the opportunity to actually be together, that he would remember that I was only a fleeting distraction from Lisa and whatever problems they might be having. I hadn't even begun to think that some other girl might be the same thing for him while we were a couple. I was letting it all out now though. "I just couldn't handle it if you were sleeping with other girls behind my back, Alex. You're absolutely right: I was crushed when I found out Dom had cheated. Because I had thought he actually had loved me. I don't want that to happen again. I don't want you to run off to someone else every time we have some stupid disagreement," I admitted, my tone sounding as if I was already scolding him for something he hadn't even done yet, something he might not ever do.

Alex's already softened expression became even more calm and understanding, and he leaned in to kiss me. He pulled away after only a moment with a smile adorning his lips. "I told you, I'm not going to fuck this up the way I did with Lisa," he vowed, and he made an X over his heart with the tip of his finger just as he had the night he had first sworn this.

I wasn't going to drop this so easily though. "How many girls have you been with since the beginning of summer?" I inquired, tilting my head to the side as I stared up at him. "Or how many times -not including with me- did you cheat on Lisa since then?"

He looked dumbstruck. His mouth gaping open as he failed to find words that wouldn't come out as mindless stutters, he stumbled back. "What- what kind of- ?" he began, cutting himself off with a nervous laugh. "That's a stupid question," he claimed, shaking his head as if I was crazy. I straightened my head again and automatically began pointing a berating glare his way, practically reprimanding him with my eyes. He cracked within seconds. "Besides you, I didn't cheat on her," he said dully, his head down. He was ruffling his hair once more. "I've only slept with her since then, I swear." He popped his head up quickly now, obviously concerned that he had just said something he shouldn't have. "But you were in a relationship, and at the time I had no reason to assume that it wasn't a happy one. I was trying to move on and make the relationship I already had better. At the time, I didn't think you and me was ever going to happen. God, please don't make me say anymore…" he begged, trailing off after slapping a hand over his eyes.

I was laughing, giggling away at the sight of him being so uneasy and anxious. But I was happy. He had said all of the right things even if he didn't know it yet. He hadn't planned them in advance with a strategy to manipulate me into finally letting us be a couple. There was no hint of any lies or stretched truths. And I couldn't have asked for anything more. Only moments ago, I had been petrified at the idea of not even being a legal adult yet still having someone in my life whom I absolutely loved. I hadn't thought that there was going to be any way around my fears. I figured I was going to have to walk away from it until I had lived more, done more with my life. But Alex had talked me down. He had done what I had believed to be the impossible. With a welcomed flutter in my stomach, I comprehended that maybe that was precisely what love was supposed to do.

"I just want you to say one more thing," I said in reply to the plea he had prayed I would heed. As I sauntered toward him, he peeked out from between his fingers. He dropped his hand in a flash when he saw me approaching and his mouth asked an almost inaudible "What?" I put my arms around his waist when I was near him, pressing my body close to his with my fingers locked together behind his back. "Tell me you love me again," I requested sweetly with a grin.

Alex chuckled softly and he let one of his hands slide to my neck while the other held me close by my waist. With his fingers in my hair and his lips against mine, he whispered, "I love you, Valerie."