Chapters On A Page

Everything in this recurring yet ever changing dream seemed to be just as any dream was really supposed to be. It was another hot, clear, sunny day as it had been in the first installments sent from my subconscious. The fence separating me from what the child version of my big sister had implied was whatever came after life was still there. But I wasn't going anywhere near it. I was on the back porch, lounging in the hammock with Alex as it swung lazily back and forth. Nic and Gwen were together on the wicker love seat, Gwen with her legs pulled up and her head on Nic's shoulder. Murph was across from them in a matching chair while my two little sisters sat on the floor at either end of the table. It was easy to hear my mother in the kitchen through the open window, talking with both my father and Sam. This seemed strange to me, but since I knew I was dreaming I let it be. Especially since it made me smile anyway. The point was that everything was normal, practically mirroring real life. Except, of course, my big sister, still dead, shuffling around the yard, constantly knocking into the railing on either side of the steps which in turn prevented her from ascending to the porch. But I was trying hard to ignore her.

The other Emma though, the one who had started out as just a child and now appeared to be in her early teens, was making certain she couldn't be disregarded. She was on the other side of the chain link, just a few feet behind me where I sat on the porch. No one else could hear her constant stream of snarky remarks or even the occasional yell of my name when I refused to answer. I couldn't have said why the others were so completely oblivious to her, why they simply continued to speak and laugh like there wasn't a zombie in the yard or another being of the same person in the yard next door. But if they could tune her out, then I was determined to do the same. I didn't care if this was my dream. I wasn't any different from any of the people sitting with me.

Eventually though, it was just too much to handle, too much to block out. It felt like hours passing with her yelling, whining, and sometimes even singing my name to get me to turn to her and listen to whatever she had to say. But I knew that in reality, it was only a handful of seconds that my sleeping mind dragged out for as long as it took. But however long it really was, I finally broke. I threw myself out of the hammock, resisting the urge to twist and roll around to come out on the side opposite from how I'd been sitting. As it was, I left behind a distracted Alex in the rapidly swinging net as I stomped around to the other side of it. "What do you want?!" I demanded, slamming my hands palm down on the top of the railing and leaning out over it slightly to appear intimidating. Suddenly, I realized that everything else was quiet. I turned my head to see if the others had become privy to Emma at last, but I found that they were still speaking with each other… as if on mute. Their mouths moved with each word they were forming, but no sound accompanied the action. I wished I could have been surprised or even frustrated, but nothing was new to me here anymore.

Emma laughed loudly then, causing me to focus on her once more. It took me a moment to figure out that she wasn't cackling at the abrupt silence, but rather at my outburst. "Someone needs a chill pill," she said, stifling an evil smirk and failing at appearing as if she felt guilty about it.

"God, I'm glad I wasn't a teenager in the nineties," I snapped, my eyes rolling at the out-of-date phrase. "You clearly have something to talk to me about, so get on with it," I urged impatiently when she only grinned back at me.

"It's the other way around," she claimed, raising an eyebrow at me as if she thought this was plainly obvious. Almost mocking her, I let both of my own brows travel upwards to silently ask what she was talking about because it wasn't as clear as she believed. "This is your dream, little sister. I'm not the one that has something to talk about. You are," she stated, sounding almost bored yet like the smartest person to exist.

I didn't even have to think to know that she was right. Didn't I always end up here when I was holding in a huge dilemma in real life? I wasn't sure what it said about me that I was relying on an imagined version of my dead sister for advice, but I had no time to question it. Before I even knew I was doing it, words were tumbling out of my mouth. "Mom's pregnant," I told her, my voice higher and more steady than it had been the first time I had said it out loud. I hadn't talked about it since that moment. Alex had tried to get me to discuss it, but I had just continued to shake my head, refusing. I hadn't told my friends and I certainly hadn't said anything to my mother. I just hadn't had any clue how to handle it. I knew that every day I chose to keep my mouth shut was another day that could mean Trix was no longer pregnant. I had heard her argument with Sam and I knew she didn't exactly want another baby. I was terrified of what she might do, but I was also terrified to even bring the subject up with her.

When I was brought back to the present in the dream, Emma was nodding, letting me know that she already knew this because she resided in my head along with all of this information. She waved her hand in a circular motion then, proposing that I should go on so we could get to the help she was bound to give me. I huffed, finding myself without words as I drooped down and lay my head against the wood of the railing. "I don't… I'm worried about her," I confessed after several moments. I couldn't bring myself to raise my head just yet. "I know that she doesn't want to risk anything bad happening to another of her children, but I… I don't want her to get rid of it just because of the slim possibility that it might get taken away any time in the future," I divulged, everything spilling out when I finally let it. This whole thing had been on my mind since I had overheard the fight, but I hadn't allowed myself to really think about it. I hadn't thought about how much I would actually enjoy having another sibling again. My family had been split apart the night Emma died. My mom having a baby and possibly getting married wasn't going to fix that, but maybe it could stitch us together enough to remind us that it was time to be happy again.

"You guys are always way too worried about me," Emma stated suddenly, and I looked up finally to find a smirk adorning her lips. I knew this was only to make me angry, and it worked. I automatically asked what she was talking about, trying to keep the edge out of my voice. She chuckled. "You're thinking that a baby is going to replace me. And all of you -even if you don't know it yet- think that he or she is going to die the same way I did," she elaborated. "But everyone needs to stop thinking about it like that. This new baby is not Emmaline Grace two-point-oh. They'll be their own person, probably without any one of my traits," she assured, as firm on this point as I had ever known her to be in real life. She took this for an absolute fact and she wanted me to believe it, too. "Mom is on the fence right now. Her feelings are jumbled and the ones that are the loudest to her are irrational and erratic. There hasn't been one person to let her see the positive side of things. Mostly because she'll refuse to listen," Emma pointed out, snorting lightly at Trix's stubbornness. "Talk to her, little sister. You're the only one she's going to listen to," she claimed, and instantly began waving me away, all but ordering me to go and talk to our mother at this very moment.

I was sure that I would have followed through with my big sister's request to go inside and talk to Trix if it hadn't been for my alarm clock going off in my ear, blaring louder than I remembered it. I reached my hand out in the general direction of my bedside table and slammed it down onto most of the random objects on it until I came in contact with the snooze button. I rolled over onto my side, facing the windows with my eyes closed, longing for those nine more minutes of sleep before the alarm would begin screaming again. But I knew that I couldn't, and I knew that my plan to fall back into the dream to play it out was hopeless. Talking to my mother in my subconscious wasn't going to solve the real life problem anyway. There was also the small fact that I needed to get ready for school to be able to leave on time. So I rolled over once more, this time to the edge of the bed so I could actually get up, pressing the off button on the clock as I went.

I padded into the bathroom, pulling the t-shirt I'd worn to bed up over my head as I went and tossing it to land underneath the full length mirror just outside the door. I took a quick shower and proceeded to get ready as soon as I got out, letting my hair dry naturally into its usual waves while I worked. Within an hour, I was back out to my room to get dressed for the day and let Kaylee take over the bathroom. Her eleventh birthday was a few days away, but she was beginning to act like the teenager she would be in a couple of years. I was wiggling into a pair of jeans when I heard the other door to the bathroom shut and Kay beginning the routine she had been forming, and I couldn't help but smirk over it.

Once I finished pulling on my clothes and gathering my things, I headed out into the hall and straight across to the door to my mom's room. It was closed, which was out of the ordinary for this time of day. Trix almost always left it open when she came back upstairs after getting her first cup of coffee every morning. Today though, I wasn't even sure if she had gotten up yet let alone left her room for something she wasn't even supposed to be drinking in her current state. I knocked softly yet loud enough that she would hear if she was still asleep and let her know that I was leaving. It was still strange for me not to be the last one out of the house each morning; I felt the need to announce my departure all the time now. After a moment or two, Trix replied, her voice clearly coming from the en suite bathroom. Her words were too distant and echoing off tile too much for me to understand, but she sounded sick. It crossed my mind that maybe she had morning sickness already, and my immediate reaction was to bite my lip, wondering how long I was going to put off letting her know that I knew she was pregnant.

This time around, I could get away with the excuse that I really did need to get going, and I spun on my heel to get to the stairs. The sunshine of the early day greeted me through every window in the living room and I delightedly stepped out into it, hopping down the porch's three steps. Alex's car was in the driveway, as it had been the past several mornings before school, with him already in the passenger seat to let me drive. I hurriedly slipped in behind the wheel and then promptly leaned over to kiss him. Our greeting lasted a bit longer than it probably should have, but neither of us could stop smiling or felt the need to deny ourselves this small pleasure. When we finally did pull away from each other, matching grins broke out on our faces and we couldn't stop ourselves from chuckling together at how we were acting like we hadn't seen each other in months.

"I would say 'Good morning,' but clearly that kiss has said it all," he joked, shooting me my favorite smirk. "How's breakfast before we have to go sit through torture on such a beautiful day sound?" he wondered as I turned the key that he had left in the ignition.

I knew that he had already made up his mind about wanting to go and I wasn't going to be one to dispute that, even if I was the one driving. "That sounds perfect," I answered with a smile that made me scrunch my nose and squeeze my eyes shut. Before I opened them again so I could back out of the driveway, he left a quick kiss on the tip of my nose.

We flew passed the building where we were expected to be soon and stopped off at the nearest McDonald's for breakfast sandwiches that were mostly just a sausage patty and enough coffee to last the both of us until lunchtime. We sat in the car after backtracking to the school and pulling into a spot in the senior parking lot, eating and laughing together, singing along to pop songs that came on the radio and speaking softly to each other when we didn't know the lyrics. We only wasted a half hour before we knew we should go inside, but we managed to fit all of this in during that short period of time. When we emerged from the cramped space, we met at the front of the car where I handed over his keys and he pocketed them before taking my hand and leading us to the door.

To me, it always felt like every stare was pointed our way when we walked through the school with our fingers laced together perfectly. I was convinced each eye that turned our way had an accusatory glare in it, that everyone blamed me for the break up between Alex and Lisa. I wouldn't have held it against them; I still blamed myself for it at times when I was feeling down and forgot how happy I was now. But there was no way that any of them knew about everything that had gone on between us because Lisa wasn't one to start drama even if she had gotten hurt. Still, I had insisted that Alex and I not flaunt our relationship around the school for at least a few days. I didn't find that need anymore, especially since Lisa had quit avoiding us and was even hanging out with our group of friends again. So as I paced down the semi-crowded corridor with my boyfriend, I tuned out all those suspicions and succeeded in not caring one bit about what anyone else was thinking.

"So," Alex began, speaking loud enough so I could hear him over everyone talking around us, "are you partial to dinner, or are you more of a movie kind of girl?" He posed this question very seriously, keeping his face straight and full of curiosity when I looked over at him.

I gave a short laugh, "What are you talking about?" As our hands swung slightly in between the two of us, I took a quick sip of my cooling coffee. It was strong and bitter with an undertone of sweetness from the lone sugar packet I'd upturned into it.

He chuckled, having probably already known I wouldn't have a clue where he was going with this. "Well, I was thinking our first date was well overdue. That led me to ideas and the typical ones are dinner and/or a movie. Movies aren't ideal, but I mean, we could just make out the whole time. Then I wondered where you'd want to go if we went out to eat, so I thought I would just ask," he explained, building his thought process for me. "But then that got me thinking about the days you have work and then I somehow ended up on being convinced you would hate every plan I proposed. So I decided at this very moment to simply ask you flat out what you want to do for our official first date," he continued with another laugh, leaning against the locker next to mine since we had reached it.

Once I'd spun the combination lock a few times in the correct sequence and opened the door, I set my coffee cup on the top shelf so I could take the books and notebooks out of my messenger bag. "Well," I speculated, gnawing on my lower lip, wondering if I could play nonchalant. I knelt down to exchange what was in my hands for what I would need for my first couple of classes, and hid behind my hair when I stood once more. "Taking Back Sunday is playing in Baltimore this month," I suggested, letting my lips tug up at the corners in a sweet smile that I used on him.

He was smirking at me, and he reached out to take the books from my hands before stepping toward my homeroom. He set them on the desk where I always sat when we entered and turned back to me. "You don't sound like you really want to go," he said, clearly hinting at something.

I caught on to what he wanted right away, and I had to fight the strong instinct to laugh out loud as I threw myself at him and widened my eyes to look up at him. "Please, can we go, 'Lex?" I dragged out, almost whining, as I clutched onto the front of his t-shirt. "Please, please, please, Alex?" I sang, and I reached up on my toes -though it was unnecessary- to kiss him full on the mouth.

Alex wrapped both of his arms around me and rested his hands on the small of my back to hold me there for an extra moment while laughing against my lips. "I suppose it's good for you," he responded, removing an arm from around me and directing me back out to the hallway, "that Murph has already informed me of this and I already got us tickets. We're going to meet everyone there."

I gave a genuine gasp of delight. "You are the best boyfriend ever," I stated, and hoped every other person heard. Let them stare now, when I truly am at my happiest, I thought.

"I was hoping we could do something before that though. I want to do something special for you," he told me, continuing on with our original topic of discussion after a minute or two of silence between us. We were walking aimlessly around the halls to kill time before it was time for homeroom, as so many other people were. Eventually, he would walk me back to the room we had just left, but for now we still had time to talk.

I pondered his words for only a few short seconds. "Tomorrow night," I proposed, slipping my arm from around his waist to grip his hand in my own once again. "I'm supposed to work. But I'll ask James today if he can cover for me," I promised with a grin. "I don't care what we do. Surprise me. I'll be happy just being with you," I assured him with a light squeeze of his hand.