Chapters On A Page

I had awoken in a complete panic, not having any recollection of where I was, what bed I was in. The morning sun was far too bright filtering in through the drawn blinds. It was only as I thought about the dysfunction of the blinds themselves that I remembered where I was and who I was sleeping next to. Alex was still in a deep sleep, his head turned away from me and his face pressed into the pillow. I couldn't remember a time that I had seen him sleep like this. It had always been open with him, his face to the ceiling -if not slightly tilted one way or the other- and his mouth open ever so slightly as I had become accustomed to. This was a distressed sleep, if such a thing existed. And I had a feeling I knew what was causing the distress, since it was exactly what was causing my own.

I slipped out from under the sheets, consciously forcing myself not to scramble to the floor to find my clothes that had been discarded the previous night. I knew that I shouldn't be so shaken while I got dressed, that my hands shouldn't have been so damn cold from nerves as I pulled my jeans on. I was supposed to want to stay in bed for as long as possible, cuddled up next to Alex and reveling in the feel of his skin against mine. But there was no way I could make myself lie there for a second longer. Not a single part of me was comfortable with what had happened, even if I had been the one to initiate it.

I threw myself back on the edge of the bed as I pushed first my arms, then my head, into my t-shirt from the night before, wondering how I was possibly going to get home. There was no way I was going to wake my boyfriend with the way that I was feeling at the moment. I wasn't sure that I was even going to be able to look him in the eye during the next week. Maybe ever again. But in my worry and carelessness, I must have jostled the bed too much, and I heard an inhale of breath as someone behind me yawned deeply and then I felt him roll onto his side to face me. I couldn't see him with my eyes focused on the too-bright windows, but I didn't have to imagine the smile he most likely had playing on his lips. He didn't say a word as he reached out to me, just slid closer and let his fingers dance across the bit of exposed skin on my lower back. He was happy. Excited. Thrilled. I could tell it just in the way his fingers walked their way up my spine. And I couldn't understand even a little bit how he could feel this way.

"Good morning, beautiful," he breathed at the same time that I blurted out, "I need to go home."

Alex apparently didn't sense anything wrong with my sudden exclamation. He just chuckled a bit as I peeked at him over my shoulder. He lay on his back, one hand on his bare chest and the other still on my back as he beamed up at the ceiling. "Let me just get dressed," he replied, still seemingly giddy. He rolled his head towards me to point his smile in my direction before swiftly sitting up to get dressed for the day. Without thinking about it, I automatically turned my face back to the windows before I could see any bit of him come out from under the blanket that had been draped over him. We had just had sex the night before so a blush shouldn't have been creeping its way up my neck to color my cheeks, but it most definitely was. I just took a deep breath and held it, eyes closed, for as long as it took him to pull on a pair of jeans and a well-worn t-shirt. "Ready?" he asked me after only a couple of minutes.

I let my breath out in a rush, remembering that I may actually need to breathe. It had already been a hard task this morning, so I shouldn't have deprived myself of it. I nodded my head in reply to Alex though, not turning my eyes up to him as I stood from the bed and made my way around it to the door. He took my hand but didn't say a word as we headed out of his bedroom. I only thought about why he would be quiet now for about a second. But then I remembered about his face hidden in the pillow clutched tight in his hand as he slept just a little while ago. Maybe he was feeling just as awkward as I was now, having woken fully and remembering everything that had happened. Or… maybe I was just making him out that way. Maybe I was just making him feel uncomfortable with my obvious lack of exhilaration.

We were quiet as we made our way down the carpeted stairs and into the family room that was typically left empty. As we made our way down the hall that led to the door to the garage, Alex called out to his mom that he was going out for a little while and that he would definitely be back in time for dinner. He winked at me then, informing me that she was making breakfast for dinner and that there was no way he was going to miss her full English breakfast. I smiled weakly in response, but he was already focused once more on the door at the end of the hall. I was glad. Maybe he was as anxious to get me home as I was to get out of here.

The drive to my house was silent, save for the music that always seemed to be playing in his car at one volume or another. I didn't bother to look over at Alex to see if he was still smiling or if he was showing the same discomfort he had been in his sleep. I tried to ignore what his mood might be. I tried to ignore everything that wasn't the scenery passing out the window that I had seen what was surely a thousand times already this year just from this seat. But it was impossible to keep my thoughts at bay. I couldn't stop thinking of the previous night, of everything that had happened after the concert. How everything had seemed so right for most of the night but had somehow suddenly turned all wrong when we'd hit the sheets.

There was already a lie waiting on my tongue before we even made it to my house; I was prepared to use it the moment Alex pulled in to his usual space across the street from the front door. I knew my mother and I knew the first thing out of her mouth when she saw me was going to be a seething question about why my boyfriend was the one dropping me off when I had supposedly stayed the night at my best friend's. Leaving Alex here would hopefully minimize the chances of Trix even realizing that I had gotten home at all. In her mind, Murph was the only boy that I was allowed to spend the night with, and that was because she knew that there was absolutely no chance of anything happening between the two of us. I was happy to continue to let her think I had never slept in proximity to any other non-relative male for as long as humanly possible. This afternoon was especially not the ideal time for her to find out about me not being as innocent as she would like to believe.

When I hopped out of the passenger side though, slamming my door unintentionally behind me, I noticed something obvious that I had failed to while driving up. Sam's car was in the driveway, bringing to mind the other dozens of times it had been in the exact same spot just outside the open garage. My heart leapt with delight, so happy that my mother had clearly taken my advice to talk things out with him to maybe fix whatever may have been damaged the day she had kicked him out after dropping the news of her pregnancy. I was crossing my fingers for it to be going in that direction at least. That was all I could do at this point, even if I had a good feeling about it. Of course, I couldn't deny to myself that some of the joy was coming from knowing that Trix would be far too distracted to possibly peek out the window and see who's car I had just gotten out of.

In my moment of fleeting excitement, I hadn't noticed that I wasn't the only one to exit the car. As I crossed the front bumper though -my intent being to stop at the driver's side window to say goodbye to Alex- I saw that his seat was empty. Almost simultaneously then, the sound of his door closing met my ears and his hand fell into mind as it had done so many times before. Without thinking about it, I jerked away, my instincts kicking in as I pulled my hand up close to my chest and started, only to face him. It was only for the shortest second, but I watched an enthusiastic smile droop into a crushed form only to morph into somewhat sorrowful confusion. That was all the longer it took for me to replace my fingers between his own while mumbling an apology about how he had simply caught me off guard. In the back of my head, I was wishing that could be the truth or that it was as simple as that at the very least.

Together we made our way through the gate in front of the house and continued on to the front door. For now, all of my qualms about my mom knowing Alex had driven me home after a long night were forgotten. When I pushed through the threshold, I found sleeping bags of bright hues and cartoon characters littering the carpeted floor, giving me confirmation that my youngest sister's friends were still around here somewhere. Just as I was the previous afternoon, I knew I didn't exactly want anything to do with them just yet. I also knew that if Kaylee even glimpsed Alex that she would coerce him into playing with them for as long as she could. So I tightened my grip on his hand -despite wanting to drop it altogether- and dragged him along up the stairs until we reached my room.

As comfortable as ever, he went to sit on my bed while I kicked the door shut before shuffling over to the dresser to find clothes to change in to. I had been wearing my current jeans and t-shirt for too many hours to count. I didn't even want to think about the hours I had been sleeping without them on. All of this was simply starting to make me feel disgusting. More so than I would be feeling otherwise, I suppose. But the shower to rid of the underlying cause was going to have to wait. For now, I snatched an ancient t-shirt that had once been my father's and a pair of sweatpants from within the drawers before hurrying off to the bathroom. I was worried that Alex would call after me that there was no need to close the door behind me or even leave the room, but he stayed quiet as he sat there. The only sound to break the silence was that of the tumblers clicking as I locked the door.

He was still in the exact same spot on the edge of the bed when I exited, hands folded delicately in his lap as if he was afraid to touch anything. When his eyes flicked up to me though, he lifted his arms, opening them up for me. I was hesitant, but that wasn't something I wanted him to figure out. So I crossed the space between us with two long strides to take a seat next to him and snake my arms around his middle while his own went around my shoulders. Seemingly comfortable, we both fell back onto the mattress, my head pillowed on his bicep.

The quiet continued to stretch on and on between us, words failing to find a purchase amongst all of the fear holding us back. I could just make out giggling coming from the first floor along with the sound of whatever video game the girls were playing on the Playstation in the living room. The faint sounds of music drifted down the hall and through the thick wood of both my door and Lilah's at the other end of the second floor. I could tell she was listening to Yellowcard and had to suppress the tiniest of smiles at my music taste rubbing off on my sister. I could also swear that I could barely hear the tinkling sound of my mother's soft laugh along with Sam's booming one coming from the kitchen just below my bedroom, where I was sure they were talking. The grin in reaction to this thought was a harder one to keep from reaching my lips. But it was easier when I was brought back to what room I was actually in. Over everything else, I could hear Alex's breathing, amplified in my ears as if it was the only sound in the universe to me. Sometimes maybe it was. But right now it only reminded me just how tense things seemed to be between us in the moment.

After a minute that may very well have lasted hours, he sucked in a deep breath that he held in his lungs for a few seconds before letting it out in a puff of a sigh. "It-" he began, but cut himself off, apparently deciding to collect his thoughts once again. He took only a minute more though. "It was awkward… wasn't it?" he wondered hesitantly, twirling one of his long fingers nervously around a lock of my light hair.

There was absolutely no need for him to actually voice what was running through his mind. Of course this question was aimed at the event of the previous night- him and I sleeping together. My automatic response was almost always to reassure him that the opposite was true when he assumed the worst because that was what I believed in most cases. And I truly wanted this time to be no different from any of the others. But this reassurance was refusing to come of its own volition. And forcing it would have been an outright lie that neither of us could look passed.

Because he was right.

I hated to admit it, even if it was only an echo in my own head and not aloud. But there was no point in lying or sugarcoating it. Alex's question could be turned into a true statement. Having sex had been awkward and it was now causing all of this anxiety to build up in not only myself, but him as well. I guess I couldn't exactly say what had made the act feel so utterly graceless, to be completely honest. Maybe it was the amount of fumbling that had taken place. Or possibly the fact that no matter how careful either of us was, we always ended up accidentally hitting one another or pressing too hard on one shoulder or the other. Though we didn't mention the slight discomfort or mild pain out loud -what with both of us being too scared of ruining the moment- we both knew. I had no doubt Alex had caught each and every one of my winces just as I had caught his. We couldn't laugh about it or even crack a smile because of some stupid fears. Perhaps it had all been weird because he and I simply hadn't seemed to fit together and had let every mistake affect and hinder us. I hated to think about any of these things. It was hard not to associate any of it with meaning that he and I weren't right for each other. And that was a terrifying thought because we had spent so long wanting each other.

Despite the risk of disheartening the both of us and putting doubts in our minds, I found myself nodding slightly against his arm. "Yeah," I croaked out, my throat tight and thick with saliva. "Yeah, it was," I tried again once I had cleared it. But it remained soft, my fear apparently enough to prevent my voice from gaining any real volume. I held my breath while anticipating his reaction, worried it might be something irrational, like a proposition that we stop seeing each other immediately.

The one thing that I wasn't expecting was what happened: a deep sigh that ended in a hearty chuckle. He swiped a hand across his forehead as if wiping away a thin layer of nervous sweat. He slipped the arm still under my head down some until it was around my shoulders and he pulled me closer in an affectionate squeeze. Still baffled, I allowed him to. "Oh thank God," he breathed gratefully and then leaned over to plant a kiss on my temple. "I thought it was me. It's reassuring to know that it wasn't," he conceded. It was palpable how positively this news was going over with him.

I was still stuck on the negative though and it was echoing throughout my skull as if in a deep cave. I threw myself up and off the bed, standing before I was even fully aware of what I was doing. My vision was blurred as I stared down at Alex and my chest was heaving. It took me a second to realize this was because I was angry. Beyond angry, really. I was enraged. "What do you mean? Do you think it was my fault? Do you think I ruined it for us?" I demanded to know, trying to get him back in to focus. The tears slowly building up against my lower lids weren't doing much to help though.

Alex sat up quickly, his thick brows pulled together in a mixture of apology and frustration. What the hell did he have to be frustrated about? "No… Valerie… of course not," he soothed gently, but the pauses between his words had me feeling otherwise. He held his hands up as if he wanted to reach out to me again but then dropped them in the same moment, letting them hit his knees with a thud that mixed with his huff of a sigh. "Shit like this, it just happens. It's not really anyone's fault. It just wasn't right," he said, glancing up at me through his eyelashes.

"But I want to know why!" I demanded. As if he could give me a real answer; as if there was one. "There's got to be a reason." My tears were threatening to fall and I scrubbed the back of my hand across my eyes to prevent it from happening in front of him.

He sighed again as he brought his hand up once more to ruffle the back of his hair as he did when he was jittery over something. He was looking down at his shoes as he mumbled something, rendering it almost inaudible to me. I knew this was on purpose and I had to fight the urge to scream at him to speak up and tell me what was going through his mind. I managed to keep my voice calm as I asked him to repeat himself, but I wasn't rewarded with him actually doing so. Instead, he got to his feet, careful to avoid the spot where I was standing while wringing my hands together, and began pacing from the door to the bathroom to my desk. I counted four rotations before he finally stopped in the middle and spun to gaze at me. "I mean…" he began, hesitant yet again. "You've only ever slept with one guy. You've only had sex once," he stated with a shrug, an almost apologetic smirk cocking his lips to one side.

I always loved his smirks, but this one was making it hard to breathe. I was fighting for air as I stumbled the few steps to my bed. I fell onto the edge of it, my weak knees no longer able to support my weight. I expected him to say something as I sat there recomposing myself, to tell me that I had misinterpreted for the second time during this conversation. But he was ever silent. When I lifted my eyes to him though, he was standing there biting his lip, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. "Get the fuck out of here, Alex," I ordered of him, my voice low and deadly despite the thickness taking residence in my throat again.

His eyes were widened in surprise when they flicked up to me. "What? Val, that's not what I-"

"I don't care!" I yelled, cutting him off. "Leave. Go away. Get the fuck out of here," I repeated, honestly wondering if it was going to sink in this time and he would follow the demand. I almost didn't want him to. Almost. Every other thought in my brain was telling me to shove him out the door, maybe even the window. "Make sure no one sees you leaving," I reminded him just before pulling my knees up to my chest and spinning on the rumpled comforter to face the windows. He didn't say anything in response and I didn't hear him leave. But when I turned my head ever so slightly back, he was gone, my door shut as if he had never been there. No longer feeling the need or desire to keep my tears from falling, I fell onto my side in the fetal position and pressed my face into the mattress, sobbing.