Killing Jar

I knocked on Steffy’s front door and her mum answered with a smile, ushering me inside.

“Hello, Emily – I guess you’re looking for Stef?” she asked and I nodded my head a little.

I wanted to show Steffy the ‘Dig-a-Dinosaur’ I got for my birthday which was a few days back. My mum had given it to me, knowing that I loved dinosaurs. It was a clay… thing that you had to chip at until you got down to the fake dinosaur bones. Then you got to put it together.

I grinned, “yeah, I want to show her my present.”

Steffy’s mum smiled, “she’s upstairs with her friend – go up and see her.”

I nodded my head and muttered a ‘thanks’ before running carefully up the stairs, not wanting to trip and break my Dig-a-Dinosaur before I had even started it. I was going to ask Steffy if she wanted to help me, but now that she has a friend over I don’t know if she’d want to. I was still wanting to show her though.

Steffy was seventeen now, and as though she had been acting a little weird towards me lately, I had been bugging her. I wanted her as a friend forever and always, and no age difference was going to stop that. She tried to talk calmly to me every time I saw her, but I could tell that deep down she didn’t want me around.

I forced back the tears, not allowing myself to cry. What 12 year old cries? Mum said crying was for babies.

I pushed her door open and my eyes widened. Steffy was laying over someone on her bed, fingers were tangled in her hair and someone’s legs were in between her own. She was sitting like a frog above the person and she moved her hips around slightly, up and down. I frowned slightly, feeling jealousy pang at my body.

I heard a small moan and I coughed, bringing Steffy out of her ‘session’ and turning to look at me. Yes, I knew what she was doing. She was making out with someone, probably her boyfriend. I may be 12, but I go to a school with very… experienced kids. Most of them had already kissed their boyfriends or girlfriends – I was the only one who hadn’t kissed a boy. I don’t want to kiss a boy. They’re disgusting and gross, all germy and… ew-ish.

My eyes widened when I saw the person who was underneath Steffy sit up; it was a girl! Steffy had been kissing a... girl! I gasped slightly, confused as to why Steffy would even think about kissing a girl. Girls aren’t supposed to kiss girls… are they? It wasn’t the way it was done – no girl at my school had ever said she’d kissed a girl… It had only been boys.

“E-Emily…” Steffy stuttered and I walked further into her room, trying to brush off the feeling of hurt that laced my being and sat down in the middle of her floor.

“I brought one of my presents over, I thought you might like to see it,” I smiled at her and watched as she climbed off of her… friend, pulling her skirt down so it now covered her bum.

The girl who was beneath her had turned a bright red and sat up, sorting out her jeans and t-shirt that were slightly rumpled.

“Oh, okay…” Steffy muttered and sat opposite me on the floor, turning around to look at her friend. “Erm… Emily… this is Christina,” she introduced the girl who nodded, looking slightly embarrassed and I smiled sadly at her.

“Hi,” I mumbled before looking down at my Dig-a-Dinosaur which I had placed on the floor between us, feeling tears sting at my eyes and my body start to grow heavy.

I was going to cry, and I knew it.

“Erm… Emily…” Steffy started again, and I didn’t dare look up at her; knowing that if I did I would start to cry. “This is my… girlfriend.”

I nodded my head and started to cry, hiccupping as I did so and sobbing into my knees which I had pulled up into my chest. My face soaking with tears as my body heaved and grew even heavier. My back aching as sobs were forced out.

“Emily!” Steffy shrieked and engulfed me in her arms, holding me close.

I clung onto her shirt, sobbing into her shoulder as she rubbed my back; mumbling a ‘shh’ over and over again.

“Shh… what’s wrong?” she asked and I shook my head in her shoulder, feeling the need to blow my nose.

“Tissue, please?” I asked and pulled away from her, keeping my gaze on the ground.

I saw Steffy’s feet walk around as she grabbed her box of tissues and handed them to me. I pulled one out and blew my nose on it, grabbing another to wipe my eyes. Mum had always told me that by wiping my eyes with a tissue with snot in would give me conjunctivitis, and the last time I had that I wasn’t allowed to see Steffy for ages. I didn’t want to have it ever again.

I stopped crying, but my body still shook as I sat there rocking myself.

“Emily… what’s wrong?” Steffy asked slowly and I looked up at her face, noticing how concerned she looked.

“I-I… Y-You… we-we… it was supposed to always be us…” a few stray tears fell down my cheeks. “You weren’t supposed… supposed to have a girlfriend! Girls kiss boys, boys kiss girls. I’m so confused! This isn’t supposed to… I don’t understand,” I cried and looked at Christina, she looked out of place. Like she didn’t want to be here, and as if she was confused and embarrassed. “I want it to be… us, forever and always. No one else…”

“Emily…” Steffy started sadly, “Emily… First of all, girls can kiss girls. Emily, I’m a lesbian – Christina’s bi…. – do you know what a lesbian is, Emily?”

I shook my head furiously, no one at school had ever said that word.

“It’s when girls like other girls, no boys. Just girls,” Steffy informed me and I nodded my head.

“I don’t like boys, they’re ew,” Steffy laughed and ruffled my hair.

“You always did seem a bit on the… tom-boy side,” she mumbled to herself and I looked up at her, confusion in my eyes.

“Huh?” I asked and she shook her head.

“You’ll figure it out,” she smiled at me.