A Love Like War

By the time I reached the park my palms were sweating and my heart was thumping in my chest. I tried to calm myself down by focusing on where I stepped on the sidewalk, one step per square, right, left, right left...it wasn't working at all. I knew what was coming.

It wasn't hard for me to figure out that Matt was going to break up with me. I didn't know why it made so much sense to me, because we'd been totally fine up until now. But with the whole prom situation and this whole thing, I could sense he wanted to end it.

But that still didn't stop my worrying.

I walked wearily to the swingset where Matt was seated on one swing, facing away from me. I sat down on the swing next to him, smoothing my dress over my thighs and not looking at Matt.

"Hey," he said, not looking at me. He knew I knew what was going to happen next.

"Hey," I replied.

"Look...We need to talk..." he said, sighing audibly at the end.

"You're breaking up with me," I stated, and his silence confirmed my assumption.

After a long moment, he spoke again. "I don't want to call it that. Don't get me wrong, I still love you, Kristin. I just...I feel like we're getting bored. I don't want you to be stuck in a boring relationship, and I don't want to be in one either."

I sighed. "Matt, we were bored of each other by the end of Freshman year. We love each other, sure, but we don't have that spark."

I finally looked at him, and he looked sad. His scruffy cheeks were pink and his eyes puffy; he'd been crying. Matt wasn't one to cry over nothing. He'd definitely been putting a lot of thought into this.

"I guess I just don't want to admit that. I want to blame it on something else, a change of heart, feelings for someone else. But the reality is you're not the perfect girl for me, no matter how convinced I have been that you were for the past three years." He sniffed.

This wasn't even about our feelings for each other, I knew that. We weren't supposed to be together, we were supposed to be best friends. That's what we were. When we kissed, there was nothing. No fireworks, no excitement. It was just kisses and touching. But Matt and I had a sort of bond that couldn't be broken; we could talk to each other about anything, and we could do anything together and it would be fun. But only as friends.

I looked at Matt. I knew what he wanted. He wanted me to comfort him and tell him everything between us would be okay. And it would be, but not yet.

"Matt, we're still going to be friends. This isn't going to split up the group or make things awkward or anything. Don't worry."

"I know. I'm sorry...Sorry I let this go on so long when it obviously wasn't right. You're my best friend, I just hate thinking that might change." He looked down at his feet, then off into the sunset. His eyes were sad but accepting.

"It won't change. Come here," I said, smiled lightly, then stood to hug him. He stood and easily hugged me back, and I knew it would be okay.

I left the part sad. Not because we'd broken up. Because I was just all /too/ okay with it. Why wasn't I upset? I'd been dating Matt for all of high school, I should be crying my eyes out right now.

I'd wasted so much time devoting my life to Matt that I'd forgotten about talking to other boys. I could've had so many other cute boys in the past three years that I'd completely rejected and friend-zoned.

But that wasn't even it. The main thing that was going through my mind was this:

Why was Alex the only guy I'd thought of?