A Love Like War

We practiced that song for a couple more hours.

Just Alex and I.

Not arguing.

Just singing.

I helped him with a lot of the vocal arrangements and he helped me practice to hit that note every time I sang it. He said if they decide to put this track on their setlist for the next tour, I'd need to come on tour with them, so I should know how to sing it well every time. I had to tell him that I wasn't sure about touring with a band, though.

And then we started arguing.

"Seriously? You're gonna record the song with us then refuse to sing it on tour with us?" he said, sounding frustrated.

"Sorry, but last time I checked, I didn't sign my life away to All Time Low. I agreed to sing for the record, I didn't agree to give up three months of work and normal life for you guys."

"We kind of assumed it was a given."

"Well you assumed wrong. Why would you want me to come with you guys, anyway? Weren't you the one who hated me a couple of hours ago?" It just didn't make sense to me, how he could go from despising my existence to wanting to spend three months on a tour bus with me.

"I've never hated you."

"Bullshit."

"It's not!" he exclaimed, then went quiet. "It's not bullshit . . ."

"Oh really? Explain to me how avoiding me and insulting me and making fun of me and every fucking other shitty thing you've ever done to me doesn't add up to hating me." I was really pissed at this point.

"I was just--"

"No, you've fucking hated me for our ENTIRE LIVES for no reason at all! And then all of a sudden you want me to waste my time--"

He stood up and cut me off. "I NEVER HATED YOU!"

Startled by how loud he was able to make his voice, I shut up. I just stared up at him, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. His eyes were sad, conflicted. They looked like they did when I told him I was pregnant. Afraid, sad, and sorry.

"I never hated you," he repeated. "I was scared."

"Scared of what?"

"Scared of . . . the effect you had on me," his shoulders slumped and he started pacing around the room, looking deflated. "I didn't like you for a while, but that day in ninth grade when you came down to the basement during band practice . . . And I realized you'd been the old singer, I just felt so guilty . . . And you looked so sad and, and betrayed, I didn't know what to do, so I thought I'd just make a joke about it and get over it. And then I saw you kiss Matt and I realized I was jealous of him . . ."

I couldn't even form a coherent sentence in my head. He was jealous of Matt! He had a crush on me . . . What the hell? I kept staring up at him until he sat back down on the couch next to me, facing forward. He let his head fall back against the cushion and ran his hands over his face, eyes closed.

"From that day I knew I couldn't just . . . deal with the jealousy, and having to see you and Matt together every day. I managed to push you out of the group, but then I just felt shittier because you weren't there, and I didn't understand anything I was feeling, and then the party happened . . . The second you left my house the day you told me, I started crying, because I just couldn't stop fucking up with you and I just loved you so much and--"

I didn't even take time to process what he was saying. I just leaned forward, grabbed his face, and kissed him. I couldn't deal with seeing him like that and I couldn't believe he loved me and I couldn't believe that I actually might've loved him back and the only thing I knew for sure in that moment was that we were kissing.

His hand went to the back of my neck and tangled in my hair, pulling me further and further into him until I just melted against his body, unable to know anything but the softness of his lips and the taste of his mouth. At that party in junior year, I know we kissed, but to me, this was our first kiss. And I didn't know why I was so okay with kissing Alex, because I had no reason to love him. But I did, and I was, so I kept kissing him.

I heard the door to the studio open, but before it actually registered in my brain that it was opening, I heard Jack's voice saying, "Rian, you owe me twenty."