A Love Like War

Tell me how long it takes to fill an empty heart,

Let it wash away, and take it back,

Back to the way we were, like we were falling stars,

Tell me how long it takes, to take it back,

Take it back, back to the start

I’d been singing for the past half hour the same words along to the melody I’d written earlier on piano. I didn’t care if they weren’t completely relevant to the situation, but the pain I was feeling was enough to inspire me to write the gut-wrenching lyrics I’d been looking for.

I finished scribbling down the words and then set down my pencil. I was done playing music for the day. I walked slowly upstairs and into my bedroom and plopped down on my queen-sized bed. I’d finally finished unpacking everything only a couple of months ago. It was pretty sad how I’d been living here in America for over a year and I was just now unpacking the rest of my things. Hey, what can I say? I’m lazy.

I lied there just staring at my ceiling for a while. I didn’t have any desire to go anywhere, to talk to anyone, to even get up. I don’t know why it was such a huge deal for me that Alex stole my spot in the band from me. I think it was just the fact that it was Alex that upset me so much. As I lied there on my bed, I found myself missing Alex. I missed the little friendship we had at the beginning of school in America, but I also missed just seeing his face.

Wait, what? Why did I care? It was Alex. Alex Gaskarth. I hated him. He hated me. I didn’t wanna see his face. The end.

But it wasn’t as simple as that. I’ve had to deal with Alex since I was six. It was odd not having to tell him to fuck off anymore, but I didn’t have to because I simply didn’t see him anymore. In the past two months, I’d done what I’d been trying to do for eight years, but now that I’d done it, I regretted it. As much as I hated to admit it, I missed hating Alex. I missed the irritated blush that would hit his cheeks whenever I said something bitchy to him. I missed having to come up with a comeback whenever he insulted me. I don’t know, it was just weird.

I fell asleep for a couple of hours and woke up around six to about eight missed calls from Kara and a couple texts from Cory. I sent Kara a quick text telling her I was fine, just feeling a bit ill. Then I texted Cory and asked if she wanted to hang out, which she of course agreed to.

Cory came over around seven-thirty with takeout sushi--enough for herself, me, and my mother (which may begin to explain why my mom loved Cory most out of all of my friends). After we finished eating, I grabbed my laptop off of the counter and Cory and I retreated into my room.

“So,” Cory began, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose a bit higher. “Kara texted me asking why you weren’t answering your phone earlier.”

“Oh God, Kara,” I rolled my eyes. “She’s like my damn mum.”

“I noticed,” Cory laughed. “So why weren’t you answering? Did something happen, or . . .”

I sighed. “The guys got a new singer for their band.”

“Aw, Kristinnnn,” she said, a sad puppy type of expression on her face.

“Well that’s not the bad part. I don’t mind that, it’s the fact that their new singer was Alex fucking Gaskarth.” I’d told Cory all about Alex, so she knew right away why I was so upset.

“Oh God, are you serious? Does Jack not know?” she asked, then sprawled out on my bed so that I all but fell off the side.

“The guys have no idea that I even knew Alex existed beforehand, and Alex didn’t know I’d been in the band, so I can’t really be mad at any of them, but . . .”

“You are anyway, obviously,” Cory said. “Hey, I’d be fucking furious, I don’t blame you.”

“Yeah, I dunno,” I replied, and suddenly I was a bit more upset because when I said that you could barely even hear my accent. I was losing my accent now, too. Ugh.

“Can I ask you a question that may make you slightly uncomfortable?” Cory asked me mischievously.

“Uh, sure.” I chuckled, almost nervous.

“Have you ever considered that you may have feelings for Alex?”

“No,” I laughed. “I fucking hated the guy.”

“Okay, you hate him. Have you ever had the urge to touch him or like, have hardcore sex with him?” The blonde girl waggled her eyebrows mischievously.

“I--No! Cory, I told you, I don’t like Alex. At all.”

“Not even like angry sex? Like while you guys were arguing you never considered just grabbing him and kissing him violently?”

“Cory, I’m a bit more than slightly uncomfortable now. It doesn’t matter that Alex has gotten ridiculously hot in the past couple of months, I hate him and he hates me and it’s gonna stay that way, got it?” The words came out so quickly that I didn’t even realize I’d called Alex hot until I finished talking.

“You just said Alex is ridiculously hot.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.”

“I DID NOT!” I yelled.

Cory shrugged but didn’t say anything. After a minute, she muttered under her breath, “You said it.”

“I hate you,” I said, rolling my eyes. That was the end of our conversation about Alex, though.

For the next two hours or so, Cory and I sat in my room talking about everything and nothing. I liked spending time with Cory, because no matter what, she somehow always managed to cheer me up. When she announced that her mom had texted her and wanted her to go home, I was slightly disappointed.

After she left, I called Kara. I had to reassure her that I was alright. I told her that I was just sick, and even though she pressed for details about whether or not I was upset about the band having a new singer, I stuck to my original point, still managing not to spew out my history with Alex to her.

Things went well up until it was around ten in the evening and my mother came in to talk to me for the first time that day.

“Alright,” she said, pulling her long hair back into a ponytail as she sat down at the edge of my bed. “I haven’t had a good conversation with you in too long. What’s going on? How’s school going? How’s Matt?”

I laughed. “Matt’s great, like always. School is . . . eh. I mean, the academic part is going well, I’ve still got all As and Bs, but the social part is just eh.” My thoughts flickered to the scene in Jack’s basement earlier.

“What’s going on in the social part? Did you have a fight with your friends?” she asked. I was surprised, but also not surprised, to see that my mother actually looked concerned.

“Well, okay you know how I was in that band, right?” I asked.

“Last year? Yes.”

“And they kicked me out because my voice wasn’t right for the sound they wanted, right?”

My mother nodded.

“Well, they got a new singer.”

“Aw, sweetie, I’m terribly sorry,” my mother said, her eyes full of pity. I didn’t want to be pitied.

I opted not to tell my mother that the singer was Alex. I didn’t want to be giving her a sob story; I wanted my mother to know I could be strong and didn’t get upset over silly things.

“Well, that’s their loss for not having you in their band. And I know it sucks now, but things happen for a reason. It just wasn’t meant to be, Kris. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll form another band in high school at some point, since you love music so much and all,” my mother said, giving me a warm smile. She always managed to make me feel better about myself. I had Cory to cheer me up, and I had my mother for emotional support and confidence-boosting. I realized that they were pretty much the two most important people in my life, closely followed by Matt, then Kara and the guys.

Ugh, the guys. I had to talk to them eventually. I quickly said goodnight to my mother, thanking her for the support, and she left the room. The second I heard her door down the hall shut, I grabbed my cell phone and dialed in Jack’s number.

He answered on the second ring. “Kristin! Thank God you called, I was worried about you. Kara said you’re sick, are you feeling any better?”

I chuckled into the receiver. No matter what happened, it was impossible to be even the smallest bit angry at Jack Barakat. He was just too adorable.

“Yeah, I actually have to talk to you about that. Are you alone?” I asked him.

“Mhm, the guys and Kara left about an hour ago and my parents are asleep. Sup?”

“Okay, so I wasn’t actually sick. I was upset,” I admitted, bracing myself for whatever his reaction would be.

“Why? Cause of the new singer?” he asked. “I thought you’d like Alex.”

“Well, it’s kind of a funny story. I’ve actually known Alex since I was six.”

“You--but you used to live in England,” Jack informed me, as if I wasn’t aware. I laughed.

“I know, so did Alex. Our mums are best friends, our families moved here together last year,” I explained. “Remember last year, the first day I sat with you at lunch? I told you my friend from England didn’t mind if I sat with you instead of him?”

“That was Alex?!” Jack exclaimed.

“Yeah. Oh, and he didn’t care if I sat with you because he ditched me for his new group of friends. The first day. I’ve always hated Alex, for whatever reason at the time. He always seems to do something new just to fuck with me whenever he gets the chance.”

Jack sighed. “God, Kristin, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I thought it was just a coincidence that Alex had a British accent, I don’t know why it never occurred to me that you two might know each other. God, I’m such an idiot . . .” he trailed off.

“No, Jack, don’t feel bad,” I said into the phone. “I’m not mad at anyone in particular, just kind of . . . angry in general, is all. You know?”

“Yeah. I’m still sorry though. We’re still friends, right?” Jack asked me, sounding nervous.

“Of course, Jack-o. I still love you!” I chuckled.

“YAY! Okay, I just kinda yelled that, so I’m gonna hang up now and pretend I’m asleep so I don’t get busted by my parents, kay?”

“Alright, see you tomorrow, Jack,” I laughed, and hit the end button right as he said goodnight.