When I'm Gone

“Have you ever loved someone so much you'd give an arm for them?”

The dressing room suddenly went silent, everybody looked at each other in a daze.

“Not the expression, literally give an arm for?"

Brian, Jimmy, Johnny and Zack all turned there heads, shooting their friend are strange look. Matt had his arms cross and placed on the desk in front of him. The hair artist stopped and took a step backwards, arching a perfectly plucked eyebrow at him. He sighed loud enough for the whole dressing room to hear.

“What?” Zack asked, laughing awkwardly.

“I just had a bad dream last night, is all.”

"You need to chill out, man. What the hell have you been smoking?"

Matt shook his head, "Too much."

--

“You ain’t leavin' no more daddy, you're mine!”

Matt's head snapped behind him. He inhaled deeply staring down at his little girl. His daughter was staring up at him with pleading eyes, her tiny hands held out in front of her. She had a single tear rolling down her face, her huge hazel eyes sparking up at him. She stood another small step towards him, a small whimper escaping her lips when he stepped away from her, slowly shaking his head.

Matt had to leave to go on a 'Nightmare' tour. It was something that the band had planned for a year or so and it sure as hell meant a lot to his band. The money side of this tour was huge, it was to big of an opportunity to ignore. Plus, the amount of free drugs and alcohol that came with it make his heart race, how the hell could he turn all of that down?

Women, drugs and metal.

“Daddy please, daddy don't leave! Daddy, no, stop it.”

He shook his head again, his fingers tightening at the suitcase in his fist, “This is the last time baby-”

“You're lyin!” She choked, gripping hold of his pants, “Daddy you're lyin'.”

Matt felt his throat tighten. If he didn't hurry up, he would miss his flight to Sweden. He could hear the horn of Brian's car beeping out front, all of his band mates were getting impatient with him again. This always happened when he went on tour or went anywhere with his band, his daughter would make it so hard for him. He was sick of all the drama, he just wanted his drugs, his alcohol. He needed to go, his music was far too important. Plus, he wouldn't have no home if it wasn't for this, this was his job. Music was his life. Touring was something he just had to do, it wasn't even questionable.

“Dad's gotta go catch a plane.”

“Where's mommy?” She squealed in hysterics.

“I don't know, go play Grace, Daddy's busy.” He sighed bending down and clicking the locks onto his bags.

Suddenly, loud sobs echoed throughout the house. Grace froze, her eyes going wide. Matt just rolled his eyes, ignoring the fact that his wife was upstairs crying. She was just another drama queen, another part of his life that was full of drama. It was his wife’s cry’s that he could hear. He didn't even expect her to come down and say goodbye to him now, he couldn't stand seeing her face with tear soaked eyes. It would just stress him out even more and that was just something he didn't need right now, he was already having fucked up dreams due to stress.

“You're making mommy cry! Why? Why is mommy crying?”

“I've got to go baby.”

He bent down and grabbed the rest of his bags before turning around and pulling the door open. Grace started crying as he closed the door, finally letting go of his breath and walking towards Brian's car. A huge, fake smile plastered across his face. He didn't want the pain anymore. He mentally cussed himself out the whole way to the airport, his daughters tiny voice replaying over in his head, the walls must have been talking. She was only eight years old. Eight years old and dealing with her mothers depression, alone. The fact that Matt was the reason behind everything was eating him from the inside. His wife was cutting her wrists.

He was suppose to be his daughters protector. He loved her, with everything but he was her main source of pain. He had to leave. None of his family understood that he had to go out and play shows to put food on the table, he had to work to keep them all alive. But by doing so, he caused everyone misery. He couldn't live without Grace. She was his baby. Yet, he was causing her so much hurt, so much pain.

“What's got on your dick?”

“Nothing, just drive.”

–

“It's your fucking nightmare!”

Sixty thousand people. They're all screaming so loud. He can barely hear his own voice over the amp. It made him feel amazing, all these people, all showing him so much love, showing him how much they loved his bands songs. He turned and shot Jimmy a huge grin, who just winked at him and took a huge gulp of water before sprinkling it all over himself. He was having the time of his life, and so was Matt. Everything was perfect, his fans were perfect. They came before everything.

He sniffed loudly, feeling the last draw back of the line that he had earlier. His eyes began to water and he got the whole experience all over again, it felt amazing. The lights in his eyes, the sweat, the humidity. This was his life. They need him, just as much as he needed his fans. He had one more chance to do right, he did. He showed them that he loved them before it was too late.

Roses, notes, underwear, you name it. Everything was being thrown at his feet. Matt's vision became blurred as the lights changed from a purple to a blue. He was about to take one last look at the crowd, when he saw something he never thought he would.

His daughter.

Grace.

His eight year old daughter ... right near a mosh pit.

She was stood next to a security guard, who was completely ignoring her. It was almost as if he couldn't see her. He even bumped into her knocking her forward onto her knees. Matt jumped forwards, the huge smile on his face fading away quickly. His heart began speeding up in his ears as he watched her being pushed around by the crowd. His little girl, being bashed around by a bunch of teenagers.

“Daddy help!”

“How did you get here Grace?!” He screamed, his whole body jumping forwards at the sound of her voice.

“Y-You lied to me dad! You made mommy sad.” She squealed, his small hands coming up to cup her face as she good pushed again, this time much more violently than before, “You just go daddy, you go take some more of those drugs you sing about it! Yeah, it's your fucking nightmare.”

“Grace wait!”

“It's too late daddy, here, I got you this coin,” She lifted her arm and, with all her might, threw a sparkling line of metal at him, “It's fine! me and mommy are gone..”

“But baby wait!”

“It's too late dad you made you're choice! Now go out there and show them that you love them more than us!”

He shook his head, “No...”

“That's why they keep screaming you're name, it's no wonder you can't go to sleep!”

Matt grabbed the coin with his left hand, dropping the microphone that was in his right. For some reason the crowd wasn't reacting, it was almost as if they were cheering him on. Everything slowed down as he watched his daughter turn back and walked through the crowd, for some reason it felt as if he couldn't move. He couldn't chase her. The crowd was engulfing her.

“Gracey!” He screamed, still struggling to run forwards, “Grace!”

But just like she appeared she was gone.

And the stadium that he was in went black.

And then he woke up.

He was in his bed in the tour bus. It was just a dream.

–

“I love you.”

Grace kissed her fathers nose softly, a small giggle erupting from her lips when he pouted. Matt felt his wife's soft touch on his shoulders and he turned around to give her a quick kiss, picking up his daughter and resting her on his hip.

“And I love you.” He whispered to his wife, kissing her neck softly.

His dreams were haunting him every night on tour, he had to come home and get therapy. But, turns out, the real therapy was spending time with his family. Matt was a family man, and it was all thanks to his little girl. His little Grace.

After his dream at the bus in Sweden, he booked the first flight home. His band hand no choice but to follow him, they finally realized he was having a breakdown. The plane that he was suppose to be on a week later crashed in the airport and burnt down, that shook him awake. He realized then that he had to sort his life out. He had a family, he wasn't a little kid anymore, he had a family. He would never leave his family again, never, ever again. He wasn't gone, he was right where he should be.