I Guess I'll Go Home

Zack Merrick expected everything to look grainy and worn- like an old photograph, a family video, something aged by the years and the miles that separated memories... But the city looked nothing like that. It looked just like it always had- like nothing had ever changed at all. Sacramento was the same maze of limestone and construction barrels- and Zack’s own old neighborhood, from when he first moved to California, hadn’t lost a bit of color, from red mailboxes to the famed orange-streaked orioles. It gave him false hope.

He pressed a thorn from the stem of the single rose he was clutching into his thumb to try and calm his nerves. As the rain slowly dreared out the day, sparkling drops collected in the folds of the scarlet flower. Zack was scanning house numbers through the fog so quickly he was hardly registering them. If Zack had any chance of working this out, he needed to relax.

But every time he thought of seeing her heart-shaped face again, framed in auburn hair, his heart sped to a mile a minute.

She had to still be here! It was meant to be. Besides, he hadn’t heard otherwise, and she always loved the sleeping California city she where she grew up. There’s no way she’d be gone. He would get to the green house with dark wood shutters at 1463 Sycamore Street and knock on the door and she would answer... It would happen... And he just hoped to God she wouldn’t slam the door in his face.

She had every right too, of course, Zack knew. They hadn’t exactly split on the nicest of terms. They had planned a life together, and Zack was the one who bailed at the last second claiming he still didn’t know himself. He never could have been more wrong.

Zack had gotten to travel the world with his best friends, creating music, living the dream of millions of young dudes everywhere- but no matter where he went he always felt a pang of loss, a moment of sheer and raw regret, for leaving behind the real love of his life, Taryne Azuma.

As his tattered, checkered Vans hit the sidewalk in a broken rhythm, Zack tried to blink away the sad memory. It was a rainy Sunday in May. He and Taryne had finished breakfast hours ago, but the dishes still slept in the sink. Taryne was happily flipping through bridal magazines, curled up on the sofa under a fleece blanket. Her blue eyes were particularly bright that night, Zack remembered, which is why he avoided them while he broke her heart.

He told her he wasn’t ready. I was, Zack thought now, as he saw the sign for Sycamore three blocks ahead. He said he couldn’t give her everything. I could. And I can, he thinks again as his olive-toned hand ran nervously through his jagged, sandy blonde hair. He said he couldn’t love her anymore. I loved her more than anything. And I never stopped.

The house was in his sights, and suddenly the rose wasn’t enough to contain Zack’s anticipation. Instead, the little velvet box with the diamond ring that used to sit proudly on Taryne’s finger felt like a beating heart in his pocket. It was alive- Zack’s dream was alive- finally, he could get back what he so carelessly threw away.

The moment of truth was approaching- would she even be there? The sleek, black car in the driveway was unfamiliar, but four years ago when Zack left Taryne’s old Dodge pick up was on its last legs. The curtains in the window were pale pink... Her favorite color, Zack’s too, since it reminded him of the blush that rose to her cheeks every time he looked at her, smiled that crooked smile, and winked.

Three knocks- Knock knock knock. Too loud to hide Zack’s urgency.

The next six seconds were the longest of his life. Would she answer the door? Would anyone answer the door? Would he hear the worst thing imaginable- she isn’t here anymore.

Then, footsteps. A little laugh. A petite and perfect woman answering the door. He didn’t even need to see her whole face to know that Zack was mere inches away from his Taryne.

She turned in slow motion, or at least it appeared that way to Zack, her eyelids fluttered together and open again in one, graceful motion. Her curly hair, as golden apple red as ever, brushed her smooth cheek. And that smile, perfect teeth in a perfect line, disappeared like a flame gasping for its last breath as those sapphire eyes finally settled on Zack’s sage ones.

“Zack,” she exhaled in shock. “What are you doing here?”

“I need to tell you something. And ask you something.” Zack said, hoping his voice wouldn’t crack with nerves and still feeling the excited pulse of the ring in his pocket.

“I can’t.”

“Please, Taryne, just give me a chance to explain and I’ll-”

“No, Zack, I can’t.” Taryne replied forcefully.

“But-”

“Hey, hun, who is it?” Chimed a cheery male’s voice from inside. The kitchen, Zack guessed. Where he may have been letting the dishes sleep in the sink...

“Just... An old friend.” Taryne responded, struggling to put a label on the man on her doorstep.

Meanwhile, Zack was feeling panicked. “Who is that?” He asked desperately.

Taryne looked at him with sadness, and gazed down to her right hand, which was leaning against the doorframe. There was a diamond ring, and a shining gold band, joined on her fourth finger. The box in Zack’s pocket seized and died.

“I moved on, Zack.” She said to his shocked and broken face. “I figured you had done the same.”

Zack couldn’t say anything. His voice and his heart and his stomach and everything inside of him had crumbled to dust that lingered in the lump in his throat. His eyes couldn’t stop staring at those damned rings, mocking him, showing off to him that he wasn’t a part of the life they represented.

“I’m sorry.” Taryne sighed. “Let’s just forget this ever happened, ok?”

Zack finally brought his eyes to her again, and she did look sorry- but not with regret or longing, like Zack had been feeling for years, but with pity and sorrow. She wasn’t his Taryne anymore.

“Goodbye, Zack,” she whispered as she gently shut the door between them, sealing the distance forever without the cliche kiss. It took all of Zack’s power just to get down the steps and as far away from that porch and that driveway and that stupid dream as possible.

He had been wrong- there was something worse than hearing Taryne didn’t live in their old home, their old life, anymore just as he had left it. The colors may have stayed the same, and the city may have never changed, but it was foolish and childish and downright selfish of him to think Taryne had done the same.

The rose hit the sidewalk with a groan, and the ring in the box sat dead as an old stone in Zack’s pocket. He couldn’t wait to get rid of it. He hated it almost as much as he hated himself.

Sacramento was closing in around him now, no longer asleep but raging with Zack’s shame.

Hopelessly, Zack looked into the dripping, dreary clouds and felt like a part of their expansive gray nothingness, shut out from the world. Without anything else to do, he closed his eyes and thought, I guess I’ll go home.