On Top of the World

[Martin's POV]

A million different things were running through my mind as I walked back to my next class.

I was excited. Extremely excited...
I was confused. Extremely confused...
But most of all I was happy. Extremely happy...

And did I mention that I was confused?

I can't believe what the hell just happened. I kissed Frank. Well, he kissed me.
And I kissed him back. And again... and again...

Frank. The new guy that's been on my mind all day since I first saw him yesterday. Something about him struck me, and I couldn't put my finger on it until just now when he kissed me.

Suddenly it made sense.

Why my heart skipped a beat when I first saw him. How when I was supposed to "beat him up" to make my teammates happy, I felt like he'd just ripped my heart out, even though I was the one that was hurting him.

How when he kissed me... I'd never felt so complete. I felt like a puzzle piece had been missing from me, and when his lips connected with mine, it was suddenly perfect. I didn't feel broken anymore. I didn't feel incomplete anymore.

The reason none of my girlfriends ever worked out... it was so clear now. I figured it was just because I was still young and they weren't "the one". I was attracted to them, but... when I kissed them, or did anything else with them, something just definitely wasn't right.

Suddenly everything made sense.

My attraction to Frank was electrifying. There was absolutely no denying it, I liked him from the minute I saw him. I even volunteered to go with Jason and Ryan when they mentioned something about going to 'beat up on the new emo boy', just so I could see him.

I think that actually might be the main reason why I hit him yesterday. Sure, that was partly due to my idiot teammates egging me on, but mainly I was pissed off at him because I was attracted to him.

I felt awful about it all day afterward. I even so much as threw up because I was so sick about what I'd done to him. Then when I saw him on the football field after school.... the big knock that I took because I was so distracted by him made me even more confused about him.

My sexual orientation was definitely not straight anymore. I mean, I kissed a guy. And it felt right. And I liked it. So what does that mean...?

I groaned and shook my head, as I was walking down the hall to my next class. I was definitely going to be late for it, so I decided it would be pointless to rush. Maybe I'd just skip it altogether. I could always get an excuse from the coach, and besides, I needed to clear my head anyway.

And dammit, I need a cigarette.

So that's exactly what I decided to do. I retraced my steps and walked right back to the exact place I'd just come from, back outside towards the bleachers. I needed to walk through the gym to get there, and I really didn't feel like dealing with anyone on the team so I had to take the long way, which suited me just fine.

I finally made it back outside and took a deep breath of fresh air. I smiled and climbed the stairs to the very top of the bleachers, taking out my crumpled pack of Marlboro's from my pocket on my way up.

I lit up a cigarette and allowed the smoke to fill my lungs, exhaling it happily as I relaxed in my seat. Nothing was going on around me, nobody was there to bother me or judge me... just me, my cigarette, and my thoughts.

Those thoughts consisted primarily of one person...

"Fuck!" I cried out, flicking my still-lit cigarette as far as I could. What if Frank didn't like to kiss a guy that smokes...?

I groaned and buried my head in my hands. What was this kid doing to me?

I relaxed again, or tried to, rather. My thoughts were still flooded with Frank, but now they were flooded with what my teammates would say if they found out about me and him. Me and him... was there even a 'me and him'? I mean, we only kissed... that counts for something, right?

Fuck this, I need that cigarette after all. I took another one out and lit it up as well, hellbent on enjoying the cancerous deliciousness as the smoke filled my lungs once again.

I shivered as I remembered what happened under these very bleachers not too long ago. And with that, my thoughts were suddenly happy again. I actually hadn't felt this happy in a long time.

I loved being outside, I loved being on the football field.... I loved to play more than anything, but I hated being a part of this team. I swear, if I didn't love to play so fucking much, I'd have quit a long time ago.

I hated my teammates. Well, most of them, anyway. They were idiots, and completely close-minded to anything different or new. I can't believe they tried to turn me into one of them.

Hell, they did turn me into one of them. That wasn't me though....

Poor Frank. He didn't deserve to be hit yesterday, or shoved around today. What could have possibly possessed him to even like me in the first place? I was pathetic. I was a follower.

And Frank was... well, he was perfect. Kissing me today was very brave of him. I was seriously impressed by how he took that chance to kiss me and didn't care what the consequences were. He knew he'd probably get his face bashed in or I'd react the way I did by kissing him back. He didn't care what the outcome was... and that to me, was simply amazing.

"Frank..." I whispered, smiling when I realized how I liked the way his name sounded coming from my lips. I was hooked on this kid. I needed to know more about him...

I tore out a sheet of paper from my notebook and wrote my phone number down for him. I even wrote a little XO on it, smiling despite how silly that actually was.

"Jealousy, turning saints into the sea,
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis..."

I started singing along with my ring tone, and fished my phone out of my pocket. It was Paul, one of the only guys on the team that I could actually consider my friend.

"Hey man, what's up?" I answered, lighting up another cigarette.

"Dude, we have to talk. They fucking know what happened between you and that dude earlier."

The cigarette fell from my lips and I started choking on the smoke that now filled my lungs. This can't be good.

"Leave school, Martin. They're going to have it out for you at practice this afternoon, you need to get the hell out of here."

I stomped out the still-lit cigarette that landed on the bleachers by my feet and smiled.

"I'm not going anywhere, Paul. You tell them that I'm out here on the bleachers, and I'll be waiting for them," I said, hanging up on him. I figured that I needed to face those guys sooner or later... might as well be sooner rather than later.

At that very moment I saw a big herd of letterman jackets heading out on to the football field. I'd been spotted. Looks like sooner was coming a lot quicker than I thought.

"Johnson! You get your ass down here!" Jason shouted, looking pumped up as ever. I put on my sunglasses and began my descent down the stairs, a sudden surge of adrenaline shooting through my body. It grew with each step I took.

"Gentlemen," I addressed them when I reached them, although they were far from 'gentlemen'. I have to admit, I was a bit frightened considering I had seven big guys hovering over me, but I wasn't about to back down.

This was my chance to avenge what I'd done to Frank yesterday.
This was my chance to prove that I wasn't afraid to be who I really was.

That was all the encouragement I needed.

"We hear you're a fagboy just like your little friend, Martin. Is that true?" Jason asked, grabbing ahold of my shirt collar. I took one look at his fingers that were clenched tightly around me, and laughed.

"What's it to you?" I replied, trying hard not to lose my cool.

"If you are, you know what's going to happen to you..." he said, tightening the grip he had on me as the others hovered around.

I gulped. Unfortunately I knew exactly what he was talking about. I used to get pushed around a lot last year, because of my tight pants and yes, my use of eyeliner. Of course that was before I saved this pathetic team from its ridiculous losing streak. They would be nothing without me, and he knew it. They all knew it. Maybe I should remind them of that....

"So what if I was, you can't do anything about it. You fucking need me on this team, you'd be nothing with me."

He let me go, but just long enough for him to punch me straight in my ribs. I fell to my knees, clutching my side as I did so. I deserved this for what I did to Frank.

Frank... just the thought of him made me smile, despite the fact that I was practically being sent to my execution by my fellow teammates.

"What the hell are you smiling for?!"

One more kick to the ribs. I coughed and fell over, wondering what I had actually gotten myself into.

And then Frank's face drifted into my thoughts again. This was all for him. And that made every bit of it worth it. I got to my feet once again, looking as if what he had just done to me didn't phase me one bit. Truthfully I felt like I'd died a little inside.

"I'm gonna give you one more chance, Martin. Are you with that fag kid, or are you one of us?"

Jason grabbed ahold of my shirt collar again, and once again I acted as if it didn't phase me.

"His name is Frank," I said, standing my ground. "And he is amazing. I'd much rather be like him than be a fucking idiot like you."

Jason cleared his throat and let me go. He began to walk away, but before he did he turned to the other guys, and said through gritted teeth, "Watch his right arm. That's his throwing arm."

That's all I remember before the darkness consumed me.