I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

I tell myself not to move, let them see me, to ruin the moment.

But I find myself scrambling back into the bus in a second to make sure I don't get caught.

And this is when it sinks in to me.

Garrett and Dani.

Garrett and fucking Daniella Renee Jones!

I want to say she's some whore or something. But the other side of my brain puts up a pretty good argument by saying she isn't the one who spread her legs to some dude she didn't even know.

I want to say she's crazy or something. But the other side of my brain puts up another pretty good argument by saying she isn't the one falling for her best friend.

I want to say she's going to get in trouble for this one way or another. But the other side of my brain puts up one more pretty good argument by saying she isn't in shit as deep as I'm in.

"Iann?"

I turn around. "Pat, hey."

"You okay? You look like you've seen a ghost." He comments.

Worse. "No, I just.. Almost tripped?" It sounds like a question. "I almost tripped. Just.. Trying to catch my breath."

He sees I'm panting and buys it. "Have you seen Garrett?"

That bastard sucking my twin's face off? Yeah. "No."

"How about Dani? We were talking about her shots just now and,"

"No. I haven't seen them." I lie.

"But you sure do look like you've seen a ghost. We'll get Jared and Garrett on it right away."

"If that's some inside joke, count me out."

He makes me move and starts his way down the stairs when I stop him.

"What?"

Nothing, it's just Garrett and Dani are out there making out and I don't think you want to see that. "Uh, I was sort of wondering if you--"

"Garrett and Dani are together outside." Pat concludes from my behavior. How the fuck did he do that?

"Yeah--"

"You could've just said so." He shrugs. "Wanna go eat something?"

"Sure, whatever."

Pat and I go back into the bus, Nick has passed out on a couch, and Halvo and Jay are with us.

We're eating sandwiches Pat fixed up for us.

"John told me to stay out of the back lounge." Halvo says after taking a bite of his sandwich. "Kenny and John's gonna have a little talk."

"What about?" Pat asks with his mouth carelessly full.

"How should I know?" Halvo asks as he breaks off a small piece of Jay's sandwich and puts it in Jay's mouth. "Who knows what they talk about?"

"I think it's about Iann." Pat mouths to Halvo, thinking I wasn't looking.

"Why?" Halvo mouths back.

I turn my attention to Jay and let them keep mouthing to each other while I think.

Maybe Kennedy's telling John about how I can help him? Or maybe John thinks I'm an asshole and he just wants to let it out on someone?

The first one sounds more reasonable. I'll go with that. The second one seems the least bit realistic, though. No clue.

Jay keeps staring at his bad finger, and I keep trying to make him look somewhere else.

I keep feeding him while Pat and Halvo close out the rest of the world. I finish my sandwich, make Jay finish his, then I decide to make him take a nap. So I get up, picking Jay up with me.

Pat and Halvo actually seem relieved I'm leaving.

I shouldn't think about it, I guess. When I get back to the front lounge, I put Jay next to Nick and he immediately conditions himself for sleep.

And he falls asleep on Nick.

And so do I.

When I wake up, it's already dark. The bus is already moving.

Which means Garrett and Dani have boarded again.

I look next to me and see Jay still asleep on Nick's lap. When I do look up, I see Nick just staring at me. "Morning."

"Evening." he corrects.

"How long have you been watching me?" I fake a tone of assuming.

"An hour." he answers. "Just couldn't move with Jay here."

"Right." I say and get up. My brain moves with the sudden action and my head ends up hurting. "Fuck."

"You alright?"

"Of course." I say and I start walking off.

We're having dinner now, and feeding Jay pizza is really complicated. I've never done it before. I mean, why the fuck would I feed Jay pizza anyway?

We have no choice, so I have Jay seated on my lap and I'm making these stupid attempts at getting the food into his mouth.

He's moving so much, so sauce ends up covering half his left cheek.

I try to wipe it with my hand, but it's still messy so I say "Can someone hand me a napkin?"

I wait for a couple of seconds, yet no one does.

So I turn my head to Dani, who has Pat sitting in between her and Garrett.

Dani reaches out to the stack of napkins the same time Garrett does, and I catch them dart their hands away when they touch.

"Sorry." Garrett mutters as apology for simply touching her.

Pat eyes them suspiciously but doesn't do anything about it. He does me the favor and hands me the table napkin. "There you go."

"Thanks." I say and wipe Jay's face clean.

"Okay." John slaps his drink on the table. He looks at Dani and Garrett. "What the fuck is wrong with you two? The awkward thing's cute and all, but can you quit it? It's annoying me."

Garrett shoots John a bad expression. "Fuck you."

Kennedy looks at his drunk friend, then he gives up on his own drink. "John, don't be like that."

"Well it's fucking annoying!" John raises his voice. "I mean, come on! Garrett, just fucking admit you--"

"Shut up!" Garrett throws his pizza at John's face.

"What the fuck?!" John slides the pizza off and throws it back at Garrett. "You wouldn't be having this problem if you just quit being a pussy when--"

Garrett shoots up from his chair. "You asshole! Fuck you, I'm going to bed!"

"Yeah, go! Go in your little bunk and fucking think about what you're fucking doing wrong!" John yells.

Garrett seems the slightest bit offended. Instead of throwing back something twice as offending or just as offending at John, he puts his pizza down. "Good night." Then he walks out.

"Well, he's having a pretty bad day." John quietly and suddenly says as if it wasn't him who caused Garrett's outburst.

"Asshole." Kennedy shakes his head and takes John's drink away.

Dani's really silent now.

How could things be awkward with her and Garrett? I just saw them kissing!

This isn't something I should be bothering to think about. I have plenty. Plenty is enough. More than enough, even.

"Kenny, give it back." John slurs.

"No, John." Kennedy gets up. "Go to bed."

"Okay, Mom." John jokes as he stands up. He starts moving away when he stops at Jay. He crouches down and kisses Jay's forehead. "Good night, buddy."

Jay smiles even though John's breath stinks of alcohol.

John looks up at me. "You too,"

I don't respond. He's drunk anyway.

John manages to make it to his bunk on his own.

"Well, sorry about that." Jared says, particularly to me and Dani. "John has this tendency to get violent and brutally honest when he's drunk."

Kennedy told me that the other night.

Dani nods.

Pat sighs sadly.

Dani takes a bite from her pizza. Closer analysis of her face shows some fear, a little bit of being unsure, but a lot of guilt. She's got something to do with Garrett being upset. Now I'm sure.

"Ugh, should've known better than to let John drink too much." Kennedy sighs and takes his seat back.

"Why? Didn't you drink as much?" Halvo asks.

"Nope, Iann told me off."

I smile at his response. I can't believe that I actually influenced something good on Kennedy.

The conversation goes dry, and Dani's the first to be out of the area. Then the rest of them leave.

It's just me, Jay, and Kennedy now.

"He knows what he's doing, eh?" I raise my eyebrow at Kennedy.

"I thought he did."

Kennedy and I end up not having a decent conversation anymore. The alcohol is setting into his system, and we have both decided that I do not want to talk to a drunk Kennedy Brock.

Besides, he thinks it's better if we just talk some other time. He says he might end up saying something he shouldn't. So he goes off into his bunk.

Why don't I have a bunk? I mean, not that I have to have one. I'm completely fine with sleeping out in the lounge with Jay. But why didn't I get one?

As if on cue, Pat actually comes over to me and tells me that I do have a bunk. Right above Dani's.

I tell him I don't need one.

And he actually offers to watch Jay for me.

I politely refuse and wish him a good night, and he wishes me the same. Then he goes off.

I don't expect him to show up again, but he does. "I brought you some blankets and, uh, stuff."

"What stuff?" I laugh as he hands me the blankets.

"A pillow?"

"Nice." I say as he gives the pillow to me. "Thanks."

"No problem." he says. "Good night--"

As he exits, I stop him. "Say, uh, Pat.."

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot." He says and looks back at me.

"What's with.. Garrett and Dani? I'm just sort of assuming you know what's going on."

"I thought I did." Pat chuckles. "What's funny is that I don't. I don't know, Garrett hasn't talked to me since tour started. Spent a lot of time with Dani."

"Are they.." I can't say it. I can't even say it.

"I don't know." he answers anyway. "I have completely no idea."

"Oh." I hug Jay who had started falling asleep seated on my lap.

"Yeah. Maybe they were, maybe they are, maybe not. Who knows?" Pat shrugs and turns around again. "All I know is that I'm not going to find out any time soon from Garrett."

Maybe they were? What the hell is Pat talking about? I shrug this off though.

"Right." I know I'm not finding out from Dani any time soon either. "Anyway, thanks for the blankets. Good night, Pat."

"You too." he says, and exits surely this time.

The rest of the night is a blur, I fall asleep with Jay in my arms.

When I wake up and don't see him in my arms, I don't panic. Maybe he just ran off.

But when I look at the clock, I rethink this. What would Jay be doing up at 4 in the morning?

Day 5.

"Kennedy, put the knife down."

"Get the kid out of here, John!"

"Kenny, please put the knife down--"

"I said get the God damn kid out of here, John!"

I see Jay pushed out of the area now. Terror's in his green eyes, and I sprint to him and wrap him in my arms while he starts crying.

"Don't come any closer, John." I hear Kennedy quiet down. "I'm gonna hurt you. Please stay back."

"Kennedy Brock, don't you fucking try."

Silence.

"Kennedy, come on. Put the knife down."

"Leave me alone, John! Go take care of Jay, I think I just scarred that kid--"

I look down at Jay who is crying really hard now. I try to sooth his cries, but he just wouldn't stop. John appears at the doorway and crouches down. He offers Jay his arms and Jay gladly lets himself fall into them.

Now that Jay's not going to be alone, I get up and start walking into the danger zone.

I find Kennedy curled up in a corner, pulling on the hair at the back of his head and his tears are flowing non-stop.

Kennedy sees me and points his knife at me. "Stay back, Iann."

"Kennedy, please."

"I'm going to hurt you if you come any fucking closer. Stay. Back." His voice cracks.

Frankly, I don't even care if he's gonna hurt me just as long as he doesn't hurt himself. I run to him, even though his knife is pointed directly at me.

I kiss his forehead and coax him to let go of the knife, even with the blade already pressed against the skin on my stomach.

I'm not scared of getting hurt right now, even if getting cut by a knife is the worst kind of pain I know.

Maybe therapy wasn't all bad for me. They taught me to overcome my fear with knives, my trauma with it.

I finally get him to let go and he acknowledges my presence by burying himself in my arms.

I pull back a little. "Kennedy, what's wrong?"

"Make it stop," he cries. "Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop-- It's hurting, Iann.."

"What?" I tighten my arms around him. "What's hurting, Kennedy?"

"Everything." he sobs. "Every fucking thing."

"Kennedy, talk to me, come on. I'm going to listen. Come on,"

His sobs get wilder and his words get harder to understand, but over the span of this 10-minute breakdown, I find out he's had a nightmare about his mother beating him and his brother when he was younger, his mother threatening to kill him. Trauma.

Kennedy is the most emotionally unstable and fragile person I've ever met, and I promised myself I wouldn't let him go, but now I have and I've let him down. He's broken down, far beyond my control, and attempting to stop him from crying is only making him cry more.

This is why he's attached to knives. The thought of knives, hurting people with them. Hurting himself with them.

His mother killed herself by slitting her wrists with a fucking kitchen knife after their dad died.

That's where this is coming from. These tears. This breakdown.

I know how this feels, I really do. And so I want to let Kennedy know he's not alone.

"Kennedy, you wanna hear a secret?" I whisper.

"What?"

"When I was twelve, my dad died in a car accident. And you wanna know how my mom handled it?"

"How?"

"She didn't, Kennedy. She went insane missing my dad. Soon, people started making her see a therapist."

"Did it help?"

"Well," I pushed his hair out of his forehead, making sure he sees my eyes and the sincerity in it with my intentions on why I'm going to say what I'm about to tell him. "An exact year later, she killed herself."

"What?" Kennedy's eyes suddenly dilate in mine.

I know I was right to say this, because now Kennedy is focusing on my misery rather than his own. "The thing is my mom would always blame me for Dad dying. She would hit me all the time. She would point a knife at me, one time she tried to slit my wrists for me. She loves Dani more. She always has. And since I'm the Daddy's Girl, my mom thought I might as well have died with him."

"Iann, I.."

"Don't be." I put a finger to his lips. He's going to say he's sorry. But he shouldn't be, because I'm the one who brought it up. "I know how it feels. I understand. Don't be scared to let this out on me."

He hugs me and cries into my shoulder. "I've never told anybody about this before."

"Have you had these nightmares before?"

"All the time." he whispers. "Which is why I never sleep unless I know I have John to wake up to."

"I get it." I tell him.

"I don't even tell John about this shit," he mumbles.

This is exactly why I can't let him down. Because he trusts me.

"I'm sorry,"

"Don't be, Kennedy." I tell him. "I completely understand."

"You have no idea how many times I've broken down like this," Kennedy cries.

"Tell me more,"

And he does. He keeps sobbing, but his words make their way to my head and register there effortlessly because the entire time, Kennedy and I are staring each other in the eye.

Kennedy grew up with an abusive mother and a brother who couldn't protect him, and without a father figure. That's just a summary of it all.

Music, his friends, and Jess are the only things that have been keeping him sane. As for the moment, I'm one of those friends of his.

He's never spoken of this to anyone before. Ever. He would just break down when he wakes up from these nightmares in the middle of the night in his bunk until he falls back asleep, exhausted from the crying.

Only this time, John caught one of his breakdowns and tried to help.

But with a topic as sensitive as this, Kennedy couldn't let John help.

And for some reason, he let me in. And I'm glad he did, because this is going to eat him away inside if he doesn't tell anyone about it. I'm glad I'm here, and I know what kind of trauma is caving him in.

I think it's good that I'm here. Not to be conceited or to sound like it, but it's great that Kennedy's got someone he can let this out on.

Nothing egoistic about my intention. It's far from egoistic. And altruistic is an understatement.

I'm not doing this for myself. I'm doing this for Kennedy.

"You know I'm not leaving, right?" I say.

He shakes his head.

"Well now you do, Kennedy." I wipe sweat off his face and kiss his forehead again. "You're never going to be alone again, Kennedy, I'm here for you."

"You're just gonna leave me like everyone else." he cries. "People come and go, John and Jess and the band are the only ones who're never leaving me."

"Well, add me to that list. I'm not going anywhere,"

"Why the fuck are you doing this, Iann, I just.. I almost killed you and you're.. You're being nice, what is up with that?!" Kennedy asks in the weakest angry voice he can use. "And I almost hurt Jay and.. I can't believe you're being like this to me. I don't understand,"

Oddly enough, neither do I.