I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

I roll off my bunk, and I'm lucky I don't fall. I lose balance, but I catch myself. I could get used to this if I weren't so scared of small closed spaces. I'm not sleeping in that bunk again.

I'd rather sleep outside with Jay.

Which reminds me. I take my phone out to check the time. I slept an exact 6 hours.

I start fixing my hair when someone hugs me from behind. He's hugging me so tight, I see that tattoo inching from his arm. I turn around. "Morning."

"Your breath smells like spoiled coffee, Riannon."

"Your breath smells like dried saliva, Nicholas."

He shrugs. "I'd still kiss you."

"Prove it."

And he does.

He takes my face in his hands and kisses me gently.

I sigh as he pulls away. "I was joking."

"I wasn't." He smirks as he actually pulls me back.

This takes me by surprise but I don't really object.

Why should I? Maybe I do enjoy kissing Nick, because Nick matters to me.

Not that I should kiss everyone that matters to me, but it wouldn't take too long because there's only a handful next to Jay, Nick, and yes, Dani.

I never really thought about how good Nick's lips feel on mine. They're so soft and gentle. I like this.

Then I start thinking about how freaky it is for me to be kissing someone I treat like an older brother, and I wonder if he feels the same way kissing someone he treats like a little sister. What an incest little thought.

But Nick's kisses right now are the only ones that matter. And the first that ever mattered.

Sure, I went out with a lot of guys when I was in high school, kissed a bunch of guys, made out with a handful, but they never mattered to me because none of them stuck around long enough to really understand me.

One breakdown and they were gone.

They just didn't know what to do. I would start breaking down when I can't get any nicotine in my system fast enough, and when they hold me the way my dad did, I just lose it. Then they'd leave me alone.

And the next day, they'd tell me they think it's better for me if they just.. Back off. And by back off, they'll be breaking up with me but don't want to just say the words "I want to break up with you because you're too much of an emotional shit for me to handle." in my face.

Every time I tried to stop a breakdown, they end up eating me up and they make me push people away, and I'd fall hard on my ass with my heart telling me I should've learned my lesson with attaching myself to people.

I was so God damn lonely, and.. Just..

A lot of times I wanted to kill myself. Some times, I almost did. But then I remembered I'm better than that. I'm better than my mom who wanted me gone so bad she wanted to kill me herself.

Why am I thinking about this?

I try shaking it off and let Nick deepen the kiss.

He's so into it, I don't stop it. I'm into it too, so why stop it, right?

Nick. Nick's hugs, Nick's time. Nick's help, Nick's smile. The only things that mattered to me, and Jay. And right now, Nick's kisses are the only ones that matter.

I can't help thinking: How about John's? Did they matter? Because.. Because if it weren't for those kisses, I most probably would never have had Jay. I most probably would never have met Nick. I most probably have spent those years alone.

John's thin lips, his smooth talk, those green fucking eyes. Did they matter to me? Ever?

Maybe they did. Maybe I wanted to find out where he was. Why he just left me. Why he just threw me aside. Why he never wondered.

John's kisses. I can't stop myself from comparing them with Nick's. I mean, Nick's so gentle and warm, and John was too.. Messy, hot. Sloppy. Lusty.

Then I'm slapped with guilt. How could I think about John when I'm with Nick?

Why the fuck did I let my head get that far?

I tell myself to stop thinking of John when my brain sends the wrong message to my body. Instead of stopping thinking of John, I stop kissing Nick and relapse backwards.

Nick, thinking he did something wrong, is immediately apologizing. "Sorry--"

"It's not you." I try to smile at him, trying to calm myself down. "I'm hungry."

It takes a couple of seconds of convincing himself to believe me, but Nick does and nods. "Let's go eat something."

As we go to the kitchen area, I see the coffee pot. The same amount's there at there's been when I left John to sleep.

"When did you start sleeping in your bunk?" Nick asks me when he realize where I came from before we kissed.

"Just last night,"

"And Jay?"

"Oh, Jay slept outside--"

"Alone?"

"No, of course not. John put him to sleep since I fell asleep and you guys were asleep and he slept with me outside." I say without thinking.

"Slept with you?"

Now I know how wrong saying John slept with me sounds to Nick. It even sounds wrong to me. But I re-explain. "He fell asleep outside next to me."

"You were with John?"

That quiver. I recognize it. That's the quiver it had when he told me Kennedy and I are getting close. He's jealous.

"I mean.." he adds. "Not that I care or.. But.. I just.. Because.."

"I woke up at like.. One AM or something, he woke up too, then he told me to just go sleep in my bunk. He watched Jay."

He shakes his defensiveness off. "Uh. Okay. That's cool. Let's get breakfast."

Things are so awkward now.

He thinks he can and should hide the fact that he's getting jealous, but I don't do anything.

We find John asleep with Jay outside and we start eating. It's awkward. I don't like this.

"So how was the show yesterday?" he says as he breaks the silence.

"Huh?" I look at him after finding myself staring at John.

"Did you like The Maine's set?" Nick asks me in a very unenthusiastic tone.

"I did,"

"That's a surprise."

"I know, right?" I haven't really thought about it since yesterday during the show itself. Weightless. Carefree. Those were the feelings that played dominant even though there was confusion because of Kennedy and what his eyes were telling me.

"Thought you hated The Maine because of Dani."

"You know, Nick," I face him. "I don't want to hate The Maine anymore."

"Really?"

"Really. Just.. I just.. You know I over think a lot of things." I say to him. "And.. I just recently discovered that.. I have no reason to get mad at The Maine. It's.. I mean, it's not their fault that.." I let my voice trail off.

This is when it sinks in to me that there is too much Nick doesn't know about me, that there is too much I've been keeping to myself.

All Nick knows is that my parents are dead. That's it. Not that my dad died in a car accident, not that my mom killed herself going crazy missing my dad. Nick knows Dani left me for college, but he didn't know what made us grow apart. All he knew was The Maine killed me, but then, he doesn't know any truth.

The Maine didn't kill me inside. I did it myself. And I've been blaming them.

And Nick doesn't know that, and now I don't want him to know that. Because it sounds so fucking selfish for me to be blaming innocent musicians for doing irreparable damage to a relationship I've been bullshitting myself.

"Just.. I don't know." I decide to continue for Nick. "I mean.. I'm trying. I don't want to wake up mad at people surrounding me. It's so dumb. I mean.. I want to enjoy being on tour with you."

Nick nods, but I know he can sense I'm hiding something from him.

Well, technically, it's not hiding. He doesn't have to know.

Nick doesn't need to know my mom killed herself, my mom abused me, my dad died in a car accident, The Maine and how my anger at them is mislead..

As I look around, I find something else I don't need to let him know.

He doesn't have to know that Jay is John's.

The day continues to be uneventful.

They have a show, and the rest of the band gets Dani to get back to shooting without Garrett's help.

The shows follow the same set list from the shows before, and they probably will keep following the same set list for the rest of the tour.

Anyway, it's time for the scheduled bus call and we're all walking back.

We're all mumbling our conversations then Dani's voice rings out and causes all others to quiet down.

"No shit?" Dani asks sarcastically. "You haven't even seen my shots."

Garrett rolls his eyes as the rest of us realize it was addressed to him. "So much for being nice."

"My ass, Garrett." Dani scoffs, and she's the first to climb onto the bus.

"What is this, high school? Get your shit together." John tells Garrett.

Garrett rolls his eyes again and follows Dani.

We're all in the front lounge now.

I can sense Dani has set herself as far away from Garrett as possible. There is definitely some tension between these two.

"Good job on camera work, Dani." Jared complements and hands her camera back to her. "Your shots are perfect."

Dani shyly smiles back at Jared. "Thanks--"

"What the fuck? That's what I said!" Garrett complains. "But all I got was the fucking stink-eye and--"

"Because Jared actually looked at my shots!"

"Dani--"

"You didn't even look at my shots when I tried to show them to you! And you'd be telling me they're great?" Dani's smile fades from her lips and anger clusters up in her voice.

"Well, how the fuck was I supposed to look at the God damn camera when your fucking face was in the way?!"

"I'm sorry you had to see my fucking face, Garrett, next time, I'll remember to put a Darth Vader mask for when you want to look at my shots--"

"Don't fucking put a mask on, I think you're fucking beautiful--" Garrett blurts out then immediately cuts himself off.

All jaws drop in the room, including Dani's. Mine. Garrett's, even.

Garrett lets his face fall onto one of his palms as he gets up. "I'm going to bed."

I find it amusing how different everyone is from one another. I hate sleep as an escape because it's hard to control, but Garrett seems to turn to it a lot.

Dani's face is all red now. Don't know if it's some sort of embarrassment or denial of what Garrett had just said to her.

"Aren't we all a little too old for this?" John verbalizes the exact thoughts going through my head half a second before he started talking. "We're not in high school anymore, why can't Garrett grow the fuck up?"

"John," Kennedy tries to stop him but John continues.

"So he's hung up on Dani, does he need to cause all this drama?"

"John." Kennedy stiffens his voice up. "Don't be like that--"

"Well, it's true!" John rolls his eyes. "Aren't we all supposed to grow out of being awkward with our exes after high school?!"

"John." Kennedy raises his voice now. "Shut up."

Exes?

John shrugs and lets the irritation drain from his system. "I'm just saying."

Too much to soak in, too much to absorb.

And I can't even imagine how Dani is feeling now.

Tears. Those are tears I see forming in her eyes.

I've always hated seeing her cry. Be it about anything, seeing her cry hurts me.

Pat also sees that Dani's on the edge of crying, and instead of following Garrett, he walks to Dani and shakes her shoulders. "Don't cry over stupid things. We're not in high school anymore, as John said."

"John is never right." Dani moves away from Pat and goes to the bunk area, and I'm sure she's just going to cry this off alone for now.

"What does she mean I'm never right? I'm always right." John says with a tone of pure innocence and curiosity. "I mean.. I think I am.."

"You are." I assure him. "Dani tends to overreact a lot of times when she's.." I look for the right words. "Conflicted with.. Uhh.. Emotions. Happens a lot when I make fun of The Maine in front of her. Just to push her buttons."

"I knew there was something interesting in that girl." John chuckles. "But apparently, so did Garrett."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah-yuh. The last time he even noticed a girl was when he was.. What, sixteen?"

"That's around four.. Almost five years ago. Ish.." Jared adds. "But it's none of my business. Fuck math, I'm going to bed."

Pat and Jared head off to bed. So do the Rocket guys. Kennedy and John and I are hanging around now with Jay.

"Tell me more about you and Dani." John tells me.

"Well, we have the same red hair, blue eyes," I purse my lips. "And we're in the middle of hating each other right now,"

"Because you called Kennedy and Jared bastards?" John guesses. "She shouldn't have taken it personally. We're all bastards here."

I have to start counting how many times these people will put themselves out as bastards or assholes or that shit. The more they insist they are, the more I think they aren't.

"It's a waste of time to be fighting about that shit, Iann." John says as-a-matter-of-fact-ly. "Trust me, I have two little brothers and we argue about the most unimportant things. It's stupid."

Kennedy smiles at me. "He knows what he's saying." Then he gets on his feet. "I'm going to my bunk."

"Night, Kenny." John greets.

"You too, guys." Kennedy replies.

And he's gone.

"Continue," I command.

"Well," John scratches the back of his neck. "One time, my youngest brother.. His name's Shane.. He, well," He chuckles. "He put my shoe in a bucket of water. I have no idea why he did it, but I got all mad and hit him, and my parents made me stand in a fucking corner for an hour."

"That sounds--"

"Ridiculous?" He reads through me. "I know. I was eight, he was four."

"Kids are interesting little shits." I say.

"Well, if you put it that way, Jay is the most interesting little shit ever. To me. I mean, he's so.. Weird--"

"John, what do you do when you're with Jay?" I ask out of nowhere.

"I sing to him. I think he likes my voice or something. And he sings along even though he doesn't know any of the words. It's super cute."

Jay? Singing along to John's songs?

Of course. They have a connection that may or may not have already been discovered by John.

"Maybe he gets it from Dani. Just maybe. She's a fan, right? Maybe Jay likes us too. Why not?"

Oh yeah. He's still playing along with the Jay-is-our-little-brother act. Which is good for now because he's not suspecting that the instant connection they've developed is because they're, well, father-and-son.

"Jay's so fidgety, he's so cute." John's beaming.

"So are you." I say and get up. "Let's head to bed, John, you guys have a show tomorrow." I'm giving up on this conversation.

Awkward shit, man.

"Did you just call me cute?" John asks with a laugh.

"Yup." I actually admit. No, I said it without thinking. Here it goes again.

Well, John isn't making anything of it.

"You're cute too then." John says and gets up after me.

I laugh. "Good night, John, I'm putting Jay to sleep." I say.

He bends down and kisses Jay's cheek. "Night, little fella."