I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

John and I fucked when you left me for college. I think as an answer for Dani in my imagination after she asks me how it's possible that Jay is my son and John's the good ol' father.

This is what my imagination lets me think. I know I'm awake, I just don't want to open my eyes yet. Of course, this is just my imagination. No need to fret.

Day 7.

When I turn to my side, I know something's off.

Too lazy to open my eyes, I try to take in everything but sight gives me signs of.

I smell something really strong. It's not alcohol, but it might as well be, because it's just as intoxicating.

It's strange, and it starts to bother me, so I slowly open my eyes.

It's just John. Asleep right next to me again. Breathing really thin breaths.

I don't know what that smell is now. Is it some sort of cologne? It's making me feel so strange. It's some sort of familiar.

Wait. My head's on his shoulder. Fuck, what are you doing? I try to pull away when I realize one of his arms is around me.

Why is he holding me like this?

When I look up, I just regret it. Because there, in my sight, very very close to me now, is evidence that this is definitely the boy I slept with three years ago: That mole on his lower left temple.

I find myself freezing when he turns his head to my direction.

I mentally tell myself to move, hell, I scream at myself, but nothing happens.

John's eyes open slowly, and the first thing he sees is my face. I see his mouth opening, but I don't hear anything. That's because he doesn't say anything at all. Nothing comes out of his mouth.

I don't know what to expect. Now, I just wish I'd painted on no expression so he would have nothing to wonder about.

"I.. Thought it'd be nice to sleep out here again." he whispers.

What am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to say anything? John, get your arm off me. No. John, you are too close. No. John, I slept with you years ago and Jay is yours, just felt like saying it. No.

I get the strength to break off eye-contact with him and see Jay next to him.

He licks his lower lip. "Jay woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bunk area--"

"You were awake?"

"Garrett was. He saw Jay and he told me to fix him, make him go to sleep and shit."

"Oh."

"Yeah.. Then I just.. Decided to sleep out here."

I nod slightly.

He bites his lip and he lets me lock my eyes with his again.

His eyes are green.

Yes, I'm sure Jay got those green beauties from John. Even the small streaks of gold match Jay's. And his hair. Sandy brown. Just like Jay's.

Really. There's just no more point in hiding it from myself, in keeping myself from admitting it. Jay is definitely John's. And maybe John does know, but just doesn't care.

John glances down at my lips.

Can he be thinking the same thing I am? Because now I'm just thinking about what it would feel like to kiss him again. After years, I wonder what it would be like to taste him again.

But I don't want to kiss him! I'm just wondering..

John realizes he's holding me too close to himself and lets me go. "Sorry. Sorry."

I feel a blush coming on so I turn away from him.

What the fuck is going on between us? This is so fucking awkward, I can't take it.

I just.. I hate him. That's what I tell myself. I fucking hate John O'Callaghan. Not for having sex with me. Sex with him was good, because he made me feel like I wasn't alone. What I hate him for is leaving me in the morning. That's it.

This is getting over-thought in my head, and sometimes, I can't even think of other terms to put it. These thoughts are getting so played out yet I know there's no way I can escape them.

There's no way I can escape him. However the fuck I wanna put it, I'm on tour with my best friends, and they're touring with a band I thought I hated, and that band is the band my twin sister chose over me. However the fuck I wanna put it, I still met John O'Callaghan.. Again.

Sure, things are going to go back to normal once this is over. And like I've said, it will be like I never even met John. I don't need him. And he doesn't even have to know!

Besides, if he finds out from me, he might think I want him to take responsibility or something, heck, he might even try to make up for it.

Kennedy told me all about John. He's a good person. Be the party freak and drunk-ass he is, he still is a good person. His thoughts run deep, but he doesn't let it get too far that he could hurt himself. He knows how to set distance between what is good and what isn't good for him. For anyone, in that case.

John will take responsibility, and he will try to make up for those few years I raised Jay practically alone.

And I don't want that. I'm okay with my life.

This tour, meeting him.. It's just a road bump. Fate is cruel, misery'll find me. It's just a matter of not letting it get to me. So I won't.

Finding Jay's father isn't supposed to do anything for me but act as a reminder that Jay didn't just come from nowhere. That he was the fruit of loneliness somehow.

Now it just seems unfair for Jay. But when you're in this kind of position, where you have to know how to make decisions for yourself and someone you really care for and love, you just have to learn to understand that the entire idea of life isn't fair.

I uncover myself from that blanket of John's and stand up. I yawn and stretch. I realize I feel bad. I mean, other than the awkward waking-up-next-to-John thing, I feel terrible. I don't know why.

I remember Dani crying last night. Then it dawns on me that if I'm feeling down, she must be too. How she is always affects me. I'm not so sure vice-versa, but how she feels definitely affects how I feel too.

"What was Garrett doing awake?" I ask quietly.

"Something with his camera, I don't know." John shrugs.

Then I remember the pictures of Dani in Garrett's camera. What a fucking creep.

I wonder why Dani was freaking out on Garrett, why they were fighting or something. I'm pretty sure I saw them kissing.

It looked like love, the two of them, because they seemed completely comfortable around each other until recently.. But what the hell do I know about love anyway?

I try to scour through the events last night again after Jared gave Dani a pat on the back.

"What the fuck? That's what I said! But all I got was a fucking stink-eye and--"

"Because Jared actually looked at my shots!"

"Dani--"

"You didn't even look at my shots when I tried to show them to you! And you'd be telling me they're great?"

I think about this over and over then I finally realize what else Dani could've gotten mad about last night before the whole revelation of Garrett thinking she was beautiful.

Because the thing she loves the most next to music is photography. Photography is more than just a hobby to her, it's a fucking passion. The entire reason she went off to college was so that she could take a photography elective.

I take a little more of a while to dissect this thought.

Dani got mad because Garrett said her shots were nice when he didn't even take a good look at them. Dani takes opinions seriously, and if you're going to kid around about it, she's not going to be happy. Opinions of others about things she loves matter.

That's why she gets so butt-hurt when I insult The Maine.

And this is why she freaked out on Garrett.

Because his opinion was the least bit authentic or genuine.

Now, I understand. I wonder if Garrett's figured that out.

"Thinkin' 'bout Dani?" John asks out of nowhere.

I snap to attention at him. "How'd you know?"

"I take wild guesses and the odds are always good to me." John shrugs.

"Lucky you, then." I say.

"Lucky me." he repeats. "Garrett is so into Dani, I'm just thinking you should know that."

I, expecting him not to stop, am finding myself asking for more on this topic.

"You know, striking common grounds with Garrett isn't really the easiest thing in the world, but Dani seemed to have a knack at it."

"What do you mean?"

"It's just really hard to get under Garrett's skin, you know what I mean? Like.. He's got attachment issues."

Attachment issues. I know how those work.

"He's just afraid of letting people in.. But he didn't even think twice before letting her back in, that's how you know she's pretty special."

Letting her back in? That means he's let her in before? I don't ask about this immediately though. "Really now,"

"Really. I don't know, you just cannot kid around Garrett being in love."

I think about this.

So maybe Garrett is serious about Dani.

And I know Dani. At least I think I used to. Dani can't be holding the entire being mad at Garrett on just the opinion shit. She will get over it, and I know she wouldn't make decisions she knows she's going to regret.

There has to be something more to it than that.

I sit down next to John again. "What else do you know?"

"Not a lot." John answers. "Enough, though."

I wait for him to continue. And he does.

Then it's all so clear to me. Why Dani's attached to The Maine, why Garrett is deeming to be with her.

Dani and Garrett. They were together. Together-together.

That's why Dani's good friends with everyone in The Maine right now. That's why I didn't realize that there were no introductions made between them.

Dani dated Garrett before the entire band thing. That's it.

After their not-so-clean breakup, Dani never spoke to any of them again, and it hurt Garrett so much.

Garrett was Dani's first decent boyfriend. He was the first person that truly got under her skin since Mom died. He was hers for a while.

And Dani was Garrett's first decent girlfriend. She was the first person he let in after getting hurt the attempt before. She was his for a while.

Dani became good friends with Pat and the rest before they started the band thing, and when it did start, Dani was there to support, no questions. Oddly enough, even after she and Garrett broke up, whatever bond she had with The Maine as a band was never lost.

A week before, Dani was at the show, shooting for this band. She's been going to shows, supporting, but she never let them know. She thought they didn't have to know. Every time the band would come anywhere near campus, she always went.

John doesn't tell me why they broke up. Instead, he tells me to listen to a song they wrote about her, but I brush it aside, not realizing its importance now.

So Dani was at the show. That was when she left after we fought. She had the sense to leave before we started throwing things at each other. In my rage, I had no idea where she was heading, and I had no plans of finding out.

John tells me how Garrett walked out during a fight in the bus. He doesn't give me much detail. What he describes it as, though, was just simply giving up. John was drunk and he started yelling at Pat, Garrett got so pissed that he wanted to hit John but he knew he shouldn't have so he just got off the bus.

Turns out Dani just so happened to have come back within the perimeter of the venue since she had left her camera lens. After retrieving her lens, she went out for a walk and met Garrett.

Garrett was, as John describes, "startled as fuck," when he saw Dani.

It was one thing seeing her out that late, and it was another seeing her after years of not having spoken to each other.

It took a while before Garrett asked her what she was doing there, and Dani didn't go on to tell him it was just a coincidence. She just casually told him she was at the show.

But Dani didn't realize how much it meant to Garrett to have seen her there. And when he found out she's been there all along, the shows she never bothered to ask anyone to go with her to, the CD's she'd bought, the fact that she was supporting.. Garrett, as John puts it, just couldn't understand how he was feeling anymore.

He didn't know whether to be happy, or to be all pissed. Happy because she hopped onto the bandwagon even though she never kept in touch with him, or be all pissed, because she never did keep in touch with him.

Garrett saw her camera and asked to see her photos. John tells me Garrett swears it's not what he used to have with Dani that made him feel the way he did about the shots. And it wasn't what he wanted to have with her again that made him feel the way he did about the shots.

Garrett was sure that had he asked for anyone else's opinion, he would get approval no matter what. Because Dani was, indeed, a good photographer.

I guess I gotta hand it to Garrett for not being awkward about the entire situation. Because the next thing he did was ask her to take photos for the band.

Yes. "Come on tour with us." Not "How've you been?" or "What've you been up to?"

Dani didn't argue, though. I gotta hand it to her for not being awkward about the entire situation either.

She went along with them for a show, that's why the next day she didn't come home, then she came back the day after that. I didn't figure out she was already home till I realized I've watched the sun set twice. I hadn't moved an entire day, and I didn't have plans on doing so. I didn't eat anything, get up to pee. I just damaged my health for that while, but I guess now it doesn't matter. My body should be getting used to it.

So I went over to see what Dani was up to and that's where we started. The funny story I thought would be fun to tell.. It just isn't funny looking at where I am now, where Dani is now.

"I'm pretty much just running out of things to say here." John says.

"You've said enough." I tell him. "Thanks."

"Before she agreed to go on tour with us, though," John continues even though I thought he had said all he'd known. "She--" he's cut off when Jay crawls onto his lap, half-awake. Then he forgets what he's saying.

It doesn't matter, I guess.

John shakes his head after hugging Jay. "Bottom line is, I think Garrett's legitimately in love here. I don't know. I don't know a shit about love, hell, I am a terrible romantic, but this could be real for Garrett. And like I said.. You can not just kid around Garrett fucking Nickelsen and love. You can't fuck with that shit."

"You say that why?"

"Because," John sits back, not really intending to continue.

"Because?" I want an answer.

"I don't know, she's really something different." John says. "Like you are."

Like I am? What does this have to do with me? John does get off topic a lot. "And Garrett likes different?"

"Loves it." John tells me. "If you know Garrett the way I do, you'd know that he's.. Well, not the bravest person in this world about taking chances that require him to step out of his comfort zone. And change isn't anywhere near his comfort zone. It's miles from it, and Garrett's stepping out."

"For Dani?"

"Because of Dani. And again."

"Any idea why Dani's freaking out?" I ask now.

John purses his lips for a second then replies. "Last night, I think Dani was just looking for some reason to get mad and Garrett was there, fucked something up. You know?"

"What?" I rearrange his words in my head looking for sense but I don't find it. It's a different way to look at it.

"It's kind of messed up in my head right now too." John rubs his eyes.

"Well, what do you think Dani feels?"

"About Garrett?" John doesn't think before he continues. "I think she feels the same way. Not just about Garrett, though. About everything. With the comfort zone and shit. They tried and failed, how much do you think they want to try again?"

I think about this.

I want Garrett for her.

In all honesty and actuality, I used to hate how she would go on dates instead of spend time with me. I got jealous, because she's my fucking twin sister, and some guys think they know her better than I do.

Anyone who got too close to Dani and claimed to know her better than I did was added to the long list of people I hate.

Then I start thinking about the guys she dated. They were all douches, pretty boys who were worthless. All of them, older than Dani by at least a couple of years.

I never realized it but those guys just wanted to get in Dani's pants. Of course. Dani was beautiful, she was smart and funny, and she wasn't as hostile as I was. She was friendly, likable, and approachable. Any guy would want to get in her pants!

But we were in high school, what the fuck were those guys thinking?

Then I look at the way Garrett looks at Dani.

That's comfort I see in his eyes when he's with Dani. I know it. I think I have a knack for reading those emotions in those eyes, those people I don't know. And I think same goes for Dani.

And maybe it's me being selfish again, but I never even knew they were dating. Hence, I never felt like Garrett was like the others, taking Dani away from me.

Also.. It's love. Love. You can't fuck with that shit with Garrett, and you can't fuck with that shit with everyone else. Not even Dani.

But I am at a stalemate at what she's really feeling.

I think, I know that by the way Garrett looks at her, getting in her pants is the least of his intentions.

I told myself that whatever's going on between Garrett and Dani shouldn't be something I feel obliged to think about. But that was before I realized there is not really a reason to hate her for The Maine and all they stand for. That was before I realized I've wasted years of my life throwing misplaced anger at a musical quintet from Arizona.

Before I realized and understood why The Maine is important to Dani.

Now, I care. And why not admit it? I've cared all along.

I have another problem in my hands. How many problems have I got? I don't want to count them now.

"I could be wrong." John then says.

Could be. "John, what if you aren't?" I ask John.

"Well then, Iann, we've got a trainwreck coming straight at us."