I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

Day 8.

It's a lovely morning because the sun is up and bright, even though I don't soak any of the sunlight up because I'm in side this bus. But I'm with Kennedy and we're talking now.

Being with Kennedy makes this morning lovelier too.

"I could be head over heels for my best friend," I say. "But Dani could be in love with a complete stranger for all I know."

"That's a weird way to put it." Kennedy says after he finishes tying his shoelace.

I guess it is, I think, but if Kennedy wants an honest answer to "Do you and Dani ever like-like the same person?" he'll have to settle for what I said.

"So Garrett's almost a complete stranger to Dani, you know, after breaking up and that shit. And you and Nick are sort of into each other. I can see where you're coming from."

I nod. Then I re-think what he said. "Nick and I aren't--"

"Oh, please." Kennedy stops me by holding his palm up in front of my face. "I've seen this happen before, you shouldn't really--"

I want to stop him but I can't do or say anything so I just decide to drown his voice out. I've developed the ability to do so by letting my thoughts take over.

Sometimes, this overthinking predicament is a good thing for me.

Sometimes. Most of the times, it's just a pain in the ass.

I don't know why I'm feeling scared right now. It's Kennedy, and anything I share with him and he shares with me will be kept in confidentiality by some unspoken agreement we had.

It's a, as Garrett called his situation yesterday, long shot, Nick feeling the same way. I cannot even figure out how I'm feeling myself. I think it is unfair to be even thinking about Nick's feelings when I can't even decipher my own.

I care for him. A lot. And I know he cares for me just as much. But I should be careful. We should be careful not to confuse that for being in love.

Maybe I'm not in love with him. Just maybe.

But why do I feel butterflies when he kisses me, and why do I feel the need to know he's always going to be there for me?

I am so fucking confused. Does he feel the same way? If not with the whole being in love thing, at least how I want him to stay with me, at least those butterflies. Does he feel them too? Do those butterflies disturb him too? Does he think about me?

Why did he even kiss me back that night before we left for Arizona? Did that mean anything to him at all? Because it meant something to me. Not so sure about it yet, but.. He just tore some barrier apart between us when he pressed his lips against mine again, and now I know there's no turning back.

I will never feel the same. I will never find myself looking at him the same way ever again.

At least that's what I think.

"You know what I'm saying?" Kennedy's voice is registering in my head again.

"Oh, yeah." I stutter. "I get it--"

"Iann, you weren't listening to me."

"I was--"

"Don't lie to me, Iann. You weren't fucking listening."

I bite my lip to show him that I don't want him to get angry at me at all.

And he sees this, so he shakes his head.

"Kennedy, I'm sorry. I just.. I was just thinking about shit.."

Kennedy slightly rolls his eyes. "Did you understand anything I said at all?"

I shake my head shamefully.

He looks pretty offended now. Maybe because he knew I wasn't listening.

It must mean something to him, that someone is listening to him, that someone's willing to hear the shit he thinks is worthless. I must mean something to him. Now I'm guilty for not listening to him. Because I'm making him feel that I'm his friend and even in the simplest ways, I could let him down.

"Sorry." I say sincerely.

"All I'm saying is that you and Nick ought'a be careful."

"What do you mean we ought'a be careful?"

I turn to the entrance of the lounge. There, Nick groggily stands.

"Nothing." Kennedy shrugs. "Like, be careful where you guys bring Jay, tour isn't the best place for two-year-old's."

"Shut up, Jay turns three in a month or something." Nick yawns and waves at me. "Morning, Iann."

"Morning, Nick." I greet back.

"So as I was saying," Kennedy looks at me and raises his eyebrows, signalling me that I should thank him for having a back-up conversation prepared at the back of his mind at the last minute.

These are the things we're supposed to be keeping in confidentiality with each other.

"You and Nick should watch Jay a little more, Jay almost took his bandage off and I had to try to fix it,"

It's amazing how he can incorporate recent events with his lie.

Last night, Kennedy brought Jay to me and told me that his bandage got loose and shit, because John and I were just casually talking about something I find insignificant now about tours.

Kennedy just connected this to what he was just saying to me. Even though I wasn't really listening, I'm pretty sure that Jay was not what he was talking about.

"Nawh," Nick dives onto the couch across us. "I am so sleepy--"

"But you just woke up." I stand up and mess his hair up. "You're crazy."

"I know, right?" He turns around and lies on his back. Then he grabs my hand and pulls me down, then he kisses my cheek. "But you're just as crazy as I am, ever wondered why we're close?"

I pull away and jokingly slap him. "Shut up, Nicholas."

"You shut up, Riannon, I just wanna sleep."

"Go back to your bunk, you ass." I kick his stomach lightly.

"No," He grabs a pillow from under himself and hits me with it, then he puts it over his head. "Night."

"Whatever," I plump back down next to Kennedy who has Jay's head on his lap.

"But like I was saying, you two have to be careful."

This is when I ask him for an elaboration.

"Don't do anything unless you're sure."

"Sure of what?"

"Of anything. Your feelings, what you guys are doing. Don't do anything stupid on impulse, okay?" He forces his eyes into mine, and now I see that the smile he plastered on for Nick with the good back-up situation has gone. "I'm dead-serious here, Iann. I don't know when I can tell you everything I told you when you weren't listening, but just.. Don't do anything stupid on impulse. I mean it."

I gulp. "Kennedy,"

"Alright." Kennedy's mood suddenly swings to a bubbly one when Jay gets off him. He must've woken up when Nick came along and messed around.

I try to think about what Kennedy commanded me not to do as I tell Kennedy that I have to fix up their bandages again.

I'm finishing Jay's bandage up when John enters the perimeter of the sink. "Can you do me too?" he asks.

"Yeah, I'll fix your cut after Kennedy's," I reply quickly since I'm trying to keep my thoughts organized.

What a swell thing to do after years of knowledge of the fact that my brain is one big fucked up hodge-podge of a mess. But it's worth a try now since it involves Nick, and I trust Kennedy.

I'm doing Kennedy's cut now.

Careful. That's what Nick and I have to be, But how could Kennedy tell me something like that? And why? As if I'm doing any lethal damage by staying where I am, in a corner, confused with my feelings. I don't think there's any endangerment of anything there.

I haven't even let Kennedy confirm that I, in fact, have feelings for Nick. Feelings I can't understand right now, anyway. How come he's so quick in telling me what to do?

Could he know how this will play out if I do find that I'm in love with my best friend? Could he know how this will play out if I do find out that Nick's in love with me?

It doesn't happen everyday, when best friends actually fall for each other.

It's an overrated plot to be in, and it's an over-told story, too.

But it's on the verge of happening now, and Kennedy thinks he's right in telling me what not to do.

There's only one place this could be coming from in Kennedy's point of view.

Experience.

But not his own. Experience of the only girl that has the ability to keep him sane.

Jess.