I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

"Don't do anything unless you're sure. Of anything. Your feelings, what you guys are doing. Don't do anything stupid on impulse, okay?"

This, out of everything and anything else I could think about now, is what pops into my head.

I jerk my lips off of Nick's and look away.

I wish I could just stop thinking for a second and enjoy it when Nick and I are together, especially when we're together like this. It sucks having your thoughts pull you away.

Nick puts both of his hands around one of my own and squeezes. "Don't think about it."

He's always like this. He never makes me say anything that I don't want to tell him. He just tells me to stop thinking about it and enjoy whatever we're doing. One time, we were watching a movie, the other time, we were on sleeping bags in my backyard staring at the stars, and one more time we were eating something together. And every time he senses that my thoughts are pulling me away, he does that. Holding my hand and squeezing it. Then he'd tell me not to think about it.

Nick lets go of my hand and brushes my hair off my face. Then he pulls me back in.

I'm fine. That's the only thing I manage to think now. I'm fine because Nick is holding me, Nick's company is comfort to me. Nothing else matters.

Whatever happened to that mindset of mine anyway? That Nick is the only one that's going to matter to me in this tour, and Jay? Whatever happened to the nothing-else-matters mindset?

Oh, right. That went flying out the window when I realized I was touring with The Maine, too. When I realized I was going to tour with Dani after she told me she hated me. When I realized I was going to tour with John, who has no idea about our history. When I realized that I really do think I've got feelings for Nick. When I realized that Kennedy needs me. That's when the nothing-else-matters mindset went flying out the window into the dump.

"I told you to not to think about it," Nick mumbles against my lips. "What is it?" he asks now.

"You wouldn't understand." I say.

"Try me,"

"No." I actually sigh into his mouth to stop him from talking.

And he takes this and kisses me gentler.

I'm fine. I force myself to think this, because only nicotine has the ability to wipe my head completely clean of thoughts even for just a couple of minutes. It's either I think this, or think about everything else.

And everything else are just problems. A shitload of them, and being fine and safe in Nick's arms isn't one of those problems. So I think this. I'm fine.

I hear someone call Nick's name.

This makes him reluctantly detach his lips from mine.

It's stupid how an interruption is the only way to end whatever everyone else calls a make-out session.

Now that I think about it, I think an interruption is the only way to end this before it gets out of hand, though.

Because I remember the night I slept with John, I was in the mindset that no one was going to stop us. No one was going to interrupt. Maybe that's why things got too far. And getting drunk was going to be the excuse for fucking. Had I thought about the consequences that night, I wouldn't have done it.

I mean, I remember a few thoughts registering in my head that night. Alcohol was a demon to my brain, it fucked my thoughts up and kept them there, made them more confusing. I thought about a lot that night, while John was all over me, while I was making sure he got just as much pleasure as I was from what we were doing.

One thing I didn't think about was how I could get pregnant from it. Another was how John wouldn't really care. I was nothing more than just the casual fuck, the insignificant little one-night stand. Those are the things I wish I would've thought about.

But I was so desperately lonely, and John made me feel alive. Now even this seems unfair for John, because getting in bed with him was just an exchange for a little bit of happiness, or whatever that weightless feeling lust can bring you for the night is.

I realize Nick has left me alone.

I get up from the couch and exit the back lounge, intending to just go to the front lounge where I bet Kennedy would be.

And I was right, because I see Kennedy there playing with the knot on his bandage.

"You're not supposed to touch that," I tell him.

He looks up at me. Then he lets his hand retract from his forearm. "Can't help it."

"Have time?"

"What do you wanna talk about?" He shifts and makes sure there's enough space for me to sit with him.

"What do you do when you think too much?" I ask.

"I talk to John. But now that you're here and you understand me, I talk to you."

"But what if John isn't around, and how did you deal with it before I went on tour here?"

"Well, I drink some." Kennedy says. "It's a bad habit though, John tells me I could get a scarred liver."

So my words stayed in his head. The words about the scarred liver. That's a fun mark to leave as the girl who slept with him years ago at a drunken party.

"That hypocrite wouldn't ever let me live it down when I drink. He drinks way more than I do and I don't know why he won't listen to his own advice." Kennedy shifts a little more when I sit next to him.

"What if it's not his own advice at all?" I ask.

He raises an eyebrow at this. "Well, whose advice could it be? He's been telling me the same thing over and over for years now."

Maybe I shouldn't tell Kennedy about what went down that night yet. I'm going to, I plan on telling him, just not now, because this is not the topic I came to him for.

"No, enough of that. What do you really want to talk about?"

"Jess and Stephen." I say.

He seems caught off guard with what I had just said. "What?"

"You say you've watched this shit happen before, me and Nick.. And I'm just assuming you mean them."

"Aren't you a smart lady?" Kennedy scratches the back of his head. "There's not much about it to talk about. They thought things were going to be smooth then shit happened, this and that, then they got together and so far, they're peaceful. It's just they casually end up wanting to kill each other when they're swapping spit because they get confused a lot, you know. They used to talk so much now they just make out when they're together, it's pretty fucked. They're working on restoring that companionship in they're new boyfriend-girlfriend thing."

These words are already familiar to me. "This is what you were telling me when I wasn't listening?"

"Yup."

So that's why I feel like I've heard these words before. Alright. "So what does this have to do with Nick and me?"

"I'm just saying you both ought'a be careful because I don't want you two to end up like Jess and Stephen. They'll be fine, I'm sure, but it's just a little fucked, and a lot of people get hurt, so you guys should take it slow. Get me?"

"Yeah, I do." I say and actually mean it this time.

"That's it." Kennedy smiles at me then he gets up.

Then he leaves, I don't know where he's off to, but that's okay. My thoughts shall keep me company for a while even though I rarely need this kind of company.

Take it slow.

What's that supposed to mean? Are we not supposed to rush into things?

It starts to make sense when I think about how Nick and I were just kissing. We didn't use to do that, but after that night in Arizona, it's almost becoming a regular thing. There was no gradient that actually shifted to us doing that. It's just one big fat tan line that stands between then and now.

Maybe Kennedy's right. He probably is. He's observant. He knows what he's saying. I want to think about this more, and this is when my brain decides to fail me because now I don't know what else to load onto this train of thoughts.

I see Dani at the entrance, and for a second, I'm glad that I don't have to try to think about Nick and my feelings and that other shit for a while.

But then I see the furrowing in her eyebrows, that crease in her forehead. Her arms are crossed over her chest, and she's tapping her foot.

"What's wrong?" I get the urge to ask.

"What's wrong?" Dani repeats. "Riannon Maree Jones, I didn't know we had a little brother."

Run. That's the first thing I think of doing, and it's the first thing I want to do.

But I'm not that stupid, and I'm able to muster up enough self-control not to react dumbly. "What?"

"Jay. Didn't know that kid was our supposed little brother, Iann." Dani decides to smooth her expression out. She's going to keep it cool.

So I decide to keep it cool, too. When we know an argument is coming on, she's the one that sets the mood. Whether we'll be immature little fucks throwing toys at each other while yelling or just settling for a quiet discussion like mature adults. She's choosing the latter right now.

"I mean.. Jay, wow. How old is that kid?"

"He's turning three soon." I answer calmly. But I want to swing the topic. "Who said he was our little brother?" I squint at her.

"John, apparently he thinks our little brother is the most adorable little shit ever, Iann."

"Did he really say that?"

"I don't know but I think Your little brother's the most adorable little shit ever, Dani! is pretty self-explanatory." Dani shrugs. "Don't you think?"

"Well," I think for a second and I know I could use her words against her to win this argument. "Like you said, John is never right."

Dani squints at me the same way. "Okay, so maybe he's not right. But you always are. You're a know-it-all, aren't you? So tell me, Iann, who the hell is this Jay kid? Let's just assess the impossibility of this all. That Jay kid is turning, what, three soon, and how could he be our brother? I'm pretty sure our parents are dead--"

I'm about to surrender to losing this because I've got no argument to put out when I realize that I'm purely lucky.

Garrett interrupts by lightly pushing Dani ahead of her and putting her photo pass around her neck.

"Not. Now, Garrett!" Dani practically screams.

Garrett doesn't throw himself back. He looks scared for a second because he wasn't doing anything wrong then Dani screamed at her, but he doesn't return her freak-out. "You do know we're paying you for this, right?"

Dani rolls her eyes and looks at Garrett. "What the fuck do you want?"

"You," Garrett mouths as he rolls his eyes too and starts walking away. "Nothing, we're getting to the venue and shit, just get ready."

I'm a hundred percent sure that Dani didn't mean all the venom in her voice to sting Garrett. Because now she's biting her lip, something I know she only does when she had done something she regrets because of impulse.

She usually won't explode like that unless she's in an argument with me, but I guess Garrett just makes her feel.. Different.

Different. Why is this in relation to Garrett again? Oh, right. Because he loves different, and I can't believe this difference is getting to the both of them. Not so sure if this is good, but at least they've got a connection going on.

Is it weird that I want Dani and Garrett to get together? I mean, not really get together, but I sure do hope that they become really close at least. Different, maybe, is good. If not for the both of them, for Dani, at least.

I take a moment to assess the situation. Garrett and Dani got together some time before Dani left for college, and then broke up too.

She must've met other guys in college-- What if Dani has a boyfriend from college? Hell, no, I want Garrett for her.

I have no idea what Dani saw in Garrett, though. She's dated so many other guys who weren't worth her time.

I want Garrett for Dani. I can't stress it enough. I mean: Why not? Having someone appreciate her, not because of her ass, seems to be something I'd want for her. Someone who appreciates Dani because she's talented, because she's different, because she's her, someone who appreciates and sees the good in Dani, someone who looks past face value.

None of those pretty boys cared about Dani. A bunch of them tried to fuck her, and when Dani refused, they'd leave her. Dani never told me it happened, her almost getting raped or something, but I knew. I could tell. If it weren't her whimpers that said "Stop." from her room, it was definitely those boys leaving angry and buttoning up their shirts.

I know she has morals. I'm pretty sure. But then, I wasn't there for her at all in college. Even though she didn't talk to me after almost losing her virginity, there's something by the way she acted that made me aware that she had enough control of the situation to stop it. She would never tell me why she broke up with the boys. She'd just tell me that there were some things they wanted that she just couldn't give them.

But then, again, I wasn't there for her at all in college.

She didn't need any watching-over. Okay, I know that. And she didn't need me.

I actually start to question her virginity in my head. If she was still the same innocent girl who left for college for a photography elective. If her morals were still intact.

Because mine went down the toilet with vomit from the hangover the day after John and I happened. Because I lost it the minute she went her own way to college. My morals-- Gone. Hers? I don't know.

I see Dani staring at the way Garrett made out blankly.

I've never seen this in her eyes before. That sense of way too much apology.. The look in her eyes seem longing. But longing for what? Garrett? Taking those words back because he did nothing wrong? Because none of her breakout was his fault?

I can't believe she just exploded like that, and at Garrett, too. Which goes to show that there is still anger in Dani's system against me, and since Garrett was there, he caught it. I owe Garrett an apology for this.

I think this may infuriate Dani more, but I still say "You still have feelings for him,"

"I don't." Dani scowls. "And how the hell do you know that we--"

"So you did." I point out. "You and Garrett,"

"How the hell do you know that?! I never told you!"

"But John knew. And Kennedy knew. And Pat knew. Jared probably knew too. And Garrett, well, I'm sure he knows. It's not important which one of them told me, but why didn't you?"

"Because you didn't care!"

I'm about to curse her for accusing me of not caring about her but it's not gonna help my side of the argument. Instead, I say "You still have feelings for him." which is irrelevant.

Now she's starting to blush. I don't know whether because of anger or because I'm teasing her. But I have the upper hand at this now. I'm giving up losing this.

"I can't believe you'd still have feelings for him after all those years--"

"I don't!" Dani snatches her beanie off of her head and throws it at me.

I catch it before it hits my face where it's exactly aimed at. Reflexes, I love it when they don't fail me. "Why are you getting defensive?"

"I'm not getting fucking defensive, you bitch!"

"Bitch! Hah! You are such a fucking liar, Dani--" I start raising my voice, but not in an angry tone. A laughing one, an amused one, maybe.

"Shut up!" Dani yells at me. "Fucking shut up, I don't want to talk about it!"

"So there's an it! Hah, Dani, I knew it!" I throw her beanie back at her and it hits her chest.

"Don't get fucking immature, Iann!" Dani puts her beanie back on messily and grabs her camera off the table. "Fuck off!" Then she stomps out of the area.

"What was with all the fucking yelling?" John shows up now.

"You were right about that fucking trainwreck, John." I tell him while realizing that the bus has come to a stop.

"And Dani thinks I'm never right," John smirks.

"This is just like high school." I can't stop myself from laughing at what's going on, how immature all of this is.

"You shouldn't laugh at other people's misfortunes, Iann." John jokingly scolds me and paces over to me. He stands right in front of me and waves his finger. "That's bad."

I shrug. "I'm allowed to laugh at my sister's misery,"

"That's bad, Iann, karma's a bitch."

"You believe in karma?"

"No, but everyone else does, and maybe it applies to you." John purses his lips. "You'll be in shit deeper than she is in now if you keep laughing at her misery."

"As if I'm not in deep shit right now," I say under my breath as I'm forced to open up to reality at my door again. This is the part of the day where I rethink about all my problems.

"What?"

"Nothing." I actually want to thank John for knocking some sense back into my brain. Of course Dani's not in deeper shit as I am. But I don't. "I was asking you if you were going to the venue now because Garrett and Dani are on their way--"

"Dani, what the fuck did you do that for?!" I hear Garrett yell.

"I don't know!" Dani answers.

"Jeez, Dani, you are the most convoluted little bitch I know--"

"Then you might just want to kick me off tour!"

Silence.

"I'm getting tired of fighting like this, why are we fighting like this, why, why, why?!" Garrett mutters as he enters the area without Dani.

John's right, it's not a good thing to be laughing at Dani's misery. For all I know, Dani really does still have feelings for Garrett, and want him back too, and here I am, laughing at her twisted situation.

Now I feel my eyes brimming with tears. Only one explanation. "Garrett, you made her cry."

"I did not."

"Garrett, you fucking made her cry."

Garrett chuckles, refusing to make any eye contact with me. "So apparently it's my God damn fault that she didn't fucking know why she kissed me. She. Kissed. Me. I didn't kiss her, she kissed me."

"She what?"

"And she told me the other day I shouldn't have kissed her! What a convoluted little bitch!" Garrett throws his hands up. "We're at the venue, I'm going to get some air in the parking lot now!" he announces as he runs off.

"Watch where you're going, damn it!" Dani yells. She's crying, I can tell by the crack in her voice.

I would know better than to stick my nose in her relationship problems. But by the way Dani wants to be as far from Garrett as possible, and by the way Garrett thinks Dani is the most convoluted bitch ever, I know what I have to do.

I have to get to the bottom of this.