I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

He licks his lower lip and scrambles to his feet. "No wonder."

"No wonder what?"

"It should've hit me when Dani told us her last name."

"Jones?" I ask as I take a stand.

"Jones." John laughs. "Fuck," He takes my wrists and makes me look at him. And when I do, he holds my face in his hands and say "Jesus Christ, I knew I recognized those eyes from somewhere."

Before I even finish thinking it, John's already beat me to verbalizing the thought.

"No, not because Dani was around. Shit. Those eyes," he says while staring into my icy blue eyes with his gold and green ones. His voice drops to a whisper when he glances down at my lips. "And shit. Those lips."

I don't know how to feel anymore.

John recognizes me now. I don't know if I should be thrilled that he's figured it out, or if I should be terrified because it will only take him the ability to put two and two together and figure it out too.. That Jay's his.

He's not smart enough.

Is he?

He knows it upset me when he brought up my mother when he asked about Jay that one time. He does. Maybe he won't risk upsetting me again and not think about it. Maybe. He's sensitive enough for that, right?

My thoughts are cut off when I feel his lips on mine again, only this time, the kiss is really gentle. And warm, instead of hot.

I can't let impulse take over anymore. Because I know that impulse forces me to make up my mind, to decide, on whether or not I like what is happening.

I know that if I let impulse take me over this time, I'll kiss back. And I don't want to allow it. No. I can't.

I pull away from him. "Uhh, John, we should get Garrett's part done--"

He purses his lips as if savoring the taste I left on his mouth. Then he nods. "Yup."

I start walking away as he fixes his collar up. I get to the bunk area to see that Jared and Pat and Kennedy have gotten in their bunks. I look at Kennedy to try to figure out why they're in their bunks because Kennedy is the easiest to read.

It's because they don't want to be part of the mess.

But I'm not them, and I want to get to the bottom of this whole Dani and Garrett fiasco. So I start moving to the front lounge where I have heard the faint yells from.

"Dani, just--"

"Garrett--"

"No, will you just fucking listen--"

"Garrett--"

"Dani, just--"

"Will you fucking stop talking--"

"Will you fucking stop being stupid?!" Garrett cuts Dani off this time surely. "Will you do that? Stop being stupid?! You're smarter than that, Dani, you actually went to college, just hear me out here."

"Garrett,"

"Just.. Think, Dani, think! You like thinking, right? I know you do. Please, just think. Would I try to fucking convince you if this wasn't true? Do you think I'd try to get you to give me a second fucking chance if I didn't want it? Dani, just--"

"I've been thinking about this all the time, Garrett, I've been thinking about you all the time, Garrett.. You.. Don't understand--"

"But I want to--"

"You don't know me anymore, it's been years-- Garrett, you can't be in love with me--"

"Well I didn't know you much then, Dani, but it was so fucking easy being with you! Why isn't it that easy anymore?! A second chance is all I'm asking, why-- Is it because you don't feel the same way anymore? I hope you know how awkward this is for me, You know I don't like talking about my feelings and that's all I've been doing for you,"

Dani doesn't say anything for a while. And when she's about to start again, Garrett cuts her short.

"Then just.. Say it. Just tell me you don't feel the same way, and tell me you won't ever feel the same way ever again. And I'll back off."

Then I hear silence.

No. No. No. Garrett can't back off. Garrett deserves his second chance with Dani-- Why is Dani being stupid?! Such a fucking prick, that girl. What the fuck is wrong with her?! I don't understand.

Garrett can't back off. Not when I know Dani feels the same way. I'm not sure if she knows that, but I do.

She's going to regret this. Shit, I have to do something about it.

Then Garrett's voice echoes again. "You know what, Dani? I'll back off. I'm sorry. I am so sorry."

I have to do something!

Soon. Very, very soon.

But not now. Not with all this shit in my head. About John, and Jay, and Garrett and Dani.

Garrett meets me in the kitchen area of the bus and even though I know how bad he must be feeling right now, I still say "Garrett, we need your part for the interview."

"Tell Pat to just work with what Dani got. If he needs more footage, I'll go make it. Just not now, I want to sleep."

There goes Garrett turning to sleep as his escape again. Whatever, I shouldn't care, and I
shouldn't bother him. He needs sleep. So let him have it.

I now have this sense to defend Garrett. Maybe it's because I know he deserves his second chance with Dani. "Okay. Let's hope Pat's got great editing skills to fill it up."

"He does." Garrett sighs.

"Chin up, Nickelsen, I know something you don't." I say.

"And what's that?"

The fact that you do have a second chance, and I will help you get it. "Well, it's a secret between me and myself." I don't know why I just told him what I did, but I might as well keep the rest to just myself.

He rolls his eyes in frustration. He doesn't say anything though. Then he's off.

I peek into the front lounge and see Dani crying now. And my eyes puff up for a second, but I have to start not letting it get to me. Dani's hurting herself, and I shouldn't let her hurting herself hurt me. It's not fair. Besides, Dani is going to learn eventually how to cope with this. She just needs to quit being an obnoxious bitch and let Garrett in.

But how do I get her to do that?

As I go to the bunk area, I see Garrett by Pat's bunk while Pat is getting out of his bunk. They have a short exchange of words I don't find audible and then Pat goes off to the back lounge after taking his laptop from under his pillow. He says "I'm getting the footage now,"

I watch Garrett crawl into his bunk and before he closes the curtain, I kneel down and stop him.

"What do you want?" Garrett scoffs.

"Listen--"

"If you're gonna tell me something about Dani, I don't wanna hear it. Please go away." Then he forces my hand off his curtain and he closes it.

"You're as stubborn as her." I say and get up.

Really, he is. Dani's always like that when she doesn't wanna talk. She tells me to go away harshly, but adds a 'please' just for the sake of courtesy. It happened a lot of times when she just broke up with one of those pretty boys who wanted sex with her.

She wasn't really the type that talked about her feelings. She wouldn't do it for anyone in the world except for Mom.

When Mom died, a lot of times, she was like this to me. Stubborn, and always refusing to talk.

Talking about shit makes you feel better. It's psychologically tested and proven that talking about shit that's wrong helps you solve it or at least helps lift up how much it's weighing down on your shoulders.

She thinks she can cope with it without really talking to anyone. I wonder how college went for her if she didn't open up. Did she have friends? Date anyone? Miss me, even though I was rarely someone to talk to? Maybe. Maybe not.

But Garrett has a best friend unlike Dani. He has Pat. But he's not talking to him either.

I wonder what would happen if I put Dani and Garrett in one room, lock them up there. Would they still keep to themselves? They know each other.

It's a long shot when you're in a tour bus. I'll make a mental note to try getting them together inconspicuously soon.

After I wrap that thought up, I feel like I've run out of things to think of suddenly. As if my mind has set aside all other thoughts because I'm forgetting something important.

Something red flashes in my head and I realize something. I was videoing John for the interview. And that red thing. That red thing I saw after we kissed. That red thing I left John with.

"The red light means it's recording, right?" Garrett's voice echoes in my brain.

Now I know.

I forgot to stop recording.

John, you stupid asshole. is the first thing my thoughts tell me to say but I'm able to hold it in as I return to John.

Why didn't he do anything?

Now, Pat has the camera and is watching John's interview.

Stupid John. He's actually even talking to Pat about the interview. "Because I was shit with Dani, Iann and I sort of tried remaking my part. I think it went pretty well."

Fuck you, John. Or.. Wait, is he not aware that I forgot to stop recording?

Shit.

Now, I feel like the stupid asshole here.

"Besides, how can something that comes from the bottom of our hearts end up turning into disaster, right?"

"Do you guys have any idea when you'll finish recording and release this?"

"Maybe we'll finish recording by October or November, then release on December or early January. I really have no clue."

"Anything else to say?...Then we're done."

That's when I should've stopped recording. But why didn't I? Because I was caught up in the buttons of John's shirt and forgot all about the button that had to be pressed to stop recording on the camera.

Pat tilts his head as he watches silently.

"You buttoned your shirt up all wrong."

"Oh gosh."

"Well, we just did the interview. Now you're going to have to live with your fans knowing that the amazing John Ohh can't even button his shirt properly,"

"Did you just call me--"

"Pat!" I squeal unintentionally in my futile attempt at stopping him from seeing what he's not supposed to see.

He looks up from the camera screen. "Yup?"

I glance at John whose eyes I now see panic in. "Do you still need Garrett to work with or--"

"Nah, I can work with this." Pat says and looks down at the screen again. Then his eyebrows shoot up.

John lets his face fall into one of his palms.

"Uh," Pat scratches the back of his head after he turns the camera off immediately.

I'm shaking my head.

Pat looks utterly confused right now, and I don't blame him. He's cautiously setting the camera down on the table. "I'll edit.." he says awkwardly. He starts walking out backwards.

"Pat, wait. Just.." John pulls on his hair a little as he runs his fingers through it.

"I'll, uh.. I'll just.. Get my laptop charger," Pat says, backing out of the area quickly.

I almost run to John and I almost yell "I forgot to stop recording!"

"Fuck, that was a stupid thing to forget to do!"

"I'm sorry," I can't help the sarcasm in my voice. "I didn't think there was going to be need to stop recording,"

"Damn it, Iann--"

Our screams at each other have been filtered into loud whispers. "John--"

"Iann--"

"No, shut up." I cover his mouth with my palm. "How many of your friends know?"

"Know what?"

"That we.." No, I can't say it. "That we technically know each other," I say instead.

He tilts his head. "I don't--" He forces my hand off his mouth. "I don't think any of them know about, uh.."

Except Kennedy. "Okay."

"Pat's going to edit it out." John tells me. "He does that with interviews like this. He edits out the interviewer so it'll be fine,"

"Of course I know he'll edit it out, what am I, stupid?"

He grimaces at confusion at why I'm suddenly angry.

I'm confused too, but I'm able to untangle myself from my net of thoughts immediately. And anger jolts to my head.

Because John knows! He knows and he's not doing anything about it! Not even an apology for leaving me in the morning! I'm stupid for expecting an apology from him, but I can't stop myself from feeling this way. He left me, this fucking guy left me. I'm in front of him right now, and he still doesn't care!

I tell myself not to but I don't listen to myself (wow, that sounds fucked up) and I hit his face. But only weakly because not my entire self was set on hurting him.

"Okay, I'll delete it!" He throws himself back from me and gets the camera. He thinks his calling me stupid for forgetting to stop recording is what's making me mad.

I should be happy that I have a diversion unfolding right in front of me but it's so dissatisfying that I tell John to let go of the camera.

He raises an eyebrow but he doesn't want to upset me any more than he already has so he does. He sets the camera back down.

I try to calm myself down.

There is no point in letting this anger against John engulf me. No fucking point. I want to be in the "Tour will be over before I know it and I don't ever have to talk to John Ohh ever again." mindset. I need to be in that mindset. I don't want to hurt myself.

Pat reappears at the end of the area and sees me. He looks at me strangely.

Seeing that the walls of the entire back lounge are lined with mirrors, I look at myself. I know why Pat looked at me like that. I'm blushing out of control. Why?! What the fuck, Riannon?!

It's the anger. I answer to myself. I'm amazed at how John is the only one who's ever made me so angry that I turn red trying to control my emotions.

Pat sets his laptop charger up and he sits down. Then he turns his laptop on. "John, can you give me the memory card?"

John looks at me for approval before he caters to Pat's request.

I just nod slightly and John gives the memory card to Pat.

"I think I have enough to work with," Pat informs us.

John chuckles and says "Good for Gare then."

Pat grins slightly. I can read it on his face that he still feels awkward with what he just saw.

And really, I don't blame him.

I see the bottle John was swigging at when it was supposedly Garrett's turn for the interview when John takes it and checks for content. Seeing that the bottle is empty, he shrugs and throws it in a trash bin. This makes me realize that he's left the taste of alcohol on my mouth.

"You get to editing that," John tells Pat as he shoos himself away. "You know what shit should and shouldn't go on a tour update."

"Yeah, I do." Pat assures.

It's just Pat. Sweet, innocent Pat. He wouldn't do anything about it. He'll just cut it out of the video and delete it. It's not a big deal. He wouldn't care. Would he? I guess not. I bet not. It's none of his business anyway.

This shouldn't trouble me. Not anymore.

When I go to the front lounge, I find that Dani and Garrett have retired to their bunks. So has John. And the rest.

Then the bus door opens and Jay comes running inside, into my arms.

I bend down and hug him after kissing his cheek. He must've missed me or something.

He smells like ice cream. There's even a white dab of the shit on the corner of his lips. I take the corner of my shirt and wipe it off.

Halvo, Justin, Andrew and Nick pile into the lounge, sighing at how great ice cream time with Jay was. Then they all tell me they're tired and go for their bunks.

I'm still hugging Jay when Nick starts exiting. I let go of Jay. Impulse still thinks it's in control and it makes me grab Nick's hand and pull him towards myself. Then I kiss him.

This might possibly be the weirdest thing I've ever done with Nick. It's just so spontaneous.

He kisses me back then he pulls away a little. "Have you been drinking?"

I gulp. "What?"

"You.." He bites his lip. "You smell-- Taste like alcohol. Iann,"

I haven't been drinking. No, the last time I even took alcohol into my system was when Kennedy was asking for his beer.

John.

Well, I wouldn't tell him that it's John's taste I just left in his mouth. That would be gross. Not to mention that I don't really have to go around telling people I sort of just practically just made out with John. So I just nod.

"What did you drink?" Nick asks as he drags me to the kitchen. He opens the fridge and brings out a bottle similar to the one John was drinking from awhile ago. "Did you drink this?" Before I can even answer, he cuts me off. "This shit's too strong for you, Iann."

I shrug.

"Did John make you drink it? I told him not to make you drink anything." he scoffs.

What? I can't get John in trouble. Not even in this small way. If he's getting in trouble, I want it to be with me. Not with Nick. So I say "No.. I just wanted to taste it and he let me take a sip of his drink."

He buys this story pretty quickly. I quietly thank reality that he's actually gullible sometimes.

"But don't drink when I'm not around, okay?" he requests.

"Why not," I start asking. "I'm--"

"Okay?" He sternly insists, wanting me to just say yes.

"Nick--"

"No drinking when I'm not around, Iann. Okay?"

"Okay," I answer just for the sake of him stopping.