I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

I remember the last time I got drunk. It was my dad's whatever'th death anniversary.

Nick and I were sitting around in our backyard. We do that a lot. Just staring up at the stars. Cheesy, I know, but enjoying that was one of the things I never grew out of.

My dad and I used to do it a lot, too. When there was no good baseball game on, he'd give me a piggy-back ride to the backyard and then we'd sit down on wet grass. He'd show me some constellations I can't really remember now. All I remember was Orion's belt because the three stars aligned where the easiest to spot in the night sky when I was a kid.

Nick was pointing at random stars. A couple of planets that just so happened to be out that night too. And the moon at its fourth face, forming a waxing crescent. I enjoyed it a lot when we looked at the stars at a waxing crescent or just a plain new moon. It was darker so stars were prettier.

Then he told me it was weird that there were three stars that were almost perfectly aligned. I wasn't paying attention, though. I was thinking about my dad. How much I missed him. And stuff. Then Nick begged for me to pay attention, and when I did, I just started crying and ran away from Nick.

I know. Stupid. But I just couldn't help myself.

I love my dad. I really, really do. So much that saying that I love him more than I love anything or anyone in the world would be a huge understatement. And then he was gone. Too soon. And there wasn't a lot of him to remember him by. Just the baseball games, playing around in dirt, sitting on dewy grass, watching the stars, "live."

Being with Nick was good. Really, it was. But my dad just couldn't be outweighed by anyone.

The last time I got drunk had to have been at least 11 months ago or something.

I got so upset that I ran away from Nick, found some place to drink. Got wasted. Nick brought me home. I don't know how he found me. I think he called me and I answered him in slurs. Something like that.

I'm sure that was the closest I've ever been to killing myself, without anyone who cared watching..

I can make out Nick yelling at me while helping me change my clothes after he took me home. Telling me things like "You're fucking better than that!" or "Get it together!" I remember him screaming at me, telling me that my dad wouldn't want me to hurt myself.

But what did he know? Who? Not my dad, that's for sure.

But he was right. Had my dad been alive that night, he would've told me nothing was worth hurting myself.

I just remember waking up, the dried tears on Nick's shirt, the warmth of his chest. I felt safe. With Nick. He held me through the entire night. He kept me from falling apart.

With the memories of my dad raging in my head that night, and the alcohol that only gave me the inability to think straight, Nick believed I was going to be fine. And I was. Minus the headache and the hangover.

I think about it now and maybe that's why Nick doesn't want me to go off drinking on my own. Because it's either I end up hurting myself or end up in bed with someone I don't even know, like that night with John.

Nick took care of me the morning after that too.

I woke up in that bed alone because John left me. And I started crying when I put my clothes on. Not just because of the massive headache. Heartache, too. Because it slapped me in the face, how everyone, no matter how fucking long they've been with me, was going to leave. Leave me. Alone.

And I got downstairs, almost tripping because my head hurt like shit and my tears didn't help with my vision. My hair was all fucked, oily and messy. It was uncomfortably warm, and I still wasn't in the right state of mind.

And that's when Nick saw me. It was unmistakable that he didn't get any alcohol in his system that night. Because he brought sunshine into my dim spirit when I saw his smile. But when that smile faded, so did that little spark of sunlight.

He asked me what was wrong, and I just I broke down. He was comforting, and it added to the lessening of my frustration, the fact that he didn't even know me.

He took me home. He was going to leave. I mean, I let him in the house. He made sure I got a lot of water. And I was already calming down. Then he started telling me to take care of myself. That was when I knew he was leaving.

I wasn't supposed to stop him but I asked him to stay awhile. I asked him to just.. Stay with me. I started thanking him for the ride home. But then I thought that it was no use being home. Dani wasn't there. My dad wasn't. Not even my Goddamned mother.

And I started crying again and he held me again. He took me to my room and tucked me in. At that point, I didn't even know his name, and he didn't know mine. But he tucked me in, told me to take care of myself. And I just started crying harder when he started walking out of my room after he said goodbye.

I curled up and just tried to stop crying, even thinking about how embarrassing it was.

The thing is I fell asleep crying and when I woke up, there his chest was, where my pillow should've been. I looked up, he smiled at me. He told me he was sorry he stayed without my permission, and that he just couldn't leave me like that. Crying and alone.

It was the most genuinely good thing anyone has ever done for me.

So I told him it was okay, and that he could've just left. He replied by saying he didn't want to. He said I didn't deserve to be in that much pain alone. So he stayed with me, shared my misery.

We went to the kitchen to get some coffee. He said he drinks coffee but he didn't really like it. But he drank the coffee I gave him anyway. Then he said, out of nowhere, "By the way, I'm Nick."

I simply replied with "Iann." and when he initiated a handshake, I knew I'd found a friend. A real one.

And I wasn't wrong.

Maybe that's why Nick doesn't want me to drink at all. Or if I do go drinking, he's gotta be around.

God, I love Nick so much. Look at all he's done for me! Can anyone really blame me for falling for him?

He's gone to his bunk, and I'm here, sitting with Jay. Playing with his hair while he sleeps on my lap.

I fall asleep in a few minutes.

I'm awoken by Halvo asking me whether or not I want to tag along with the show.

I forget about John and Nick for a second and think that soon is now, and I'm going to try to do something about Garrett and Dani. This will get my thoughts off Nick for a while, and this will help me stay away from John. It's a win-win as far as I see it.

We swing to the venue.

It's A Rocket To The Moon's set that goes after, so they're out there while we're all hanging backstage.

The Maine has just finished their set. To my surprise, Garrett doesn't look winded at all. His wisps of air enter and exit him at a normal rate. I find it funny that this isn't what I find normal with him.

Dani and Garrett haven't spoken since, heck, they haven't even looked at each other. I'm definitely doing something tonight.

But I can't do it alone.

I scan the room of sweaty boys to see who I can ask help from.

Pat is drying his hair. He is my first choice. Because he's Garrett's best friend and this indirectly affects him. But with the awkward thing with the video, I just can't bring myself to talk to him.

Jared? Nah, like Kennedy and John said, he doesn't mess with other people's business.

Kennedy? No. This doesn't involve him at all, and besides, we have this connection and I think it would be a waste to just use it for Dani and Garrett. They should be figuring this out on their own, yet, here I am, trying to get to the bottom of this.

That leaves me with John.

Hey, how bad could it be? Sex with him wasn't bad, maybe a task to get Dani and Garrett together wouldn't come close.

John sees me staring at him and he squints. "What are you looking at," he mouths.

I bite my lip, which makes him turn his head away for some reason I don't care about now. I casually walk over to him and then I plump down on the couch.

"What do you want?" John whispers.

"I want you.." I say, accidentally pausing because I forget what I'm saying.

He raises an eyebrow, sort of confused with my unfinished statement.

So I finish. "To help me."

"Help you with what?" he asks, interested.

"With the trainwreck." I say.

He grins, and I'm glad that he's up to this even though I haven't got a plan yet. "What's the plan?"

"I don't have one yet." I answer, actually laughing because I was just thinking about it.

"Let's make one." he suggests. "I am really getting tired of their drama."

"Same here,"

"Let's get them in the dressing room. Just the two of them."

"How do we do that? Dani isn't the most gullible person ever." I say.

"But Garrett is." John counters. "We get him in by getting Dani in. Easy peasy. But what can we do with Dani?"

I start thinking when a smirk forms on his lips.

"She cares about you, right?"

"I guess she does.. Uh,"

"Okay, I've got a plan."

I let John execute whatever plan he had which I am not aware of yet.

After a couple of silent minutes of me watching him get contemplative, impatience takes over. "What are we doing in this corner?" I ask John.

"Sh, be quiet." He hushes me down by putting his index finger on my lips. "We're hiding--"

"No one's even in here!" I yell in impatience because he hasn't told me about the plan yet. He just dragged me to the dressing room with him.

"Quiet!" He hushes me down again.

"At least tell me what we're doing together here." I mumble. I didn't even struggle when John took me here. Trust in John is the last thing I want to have, but I just really want this shit with Garrett and Dani cleared.

It sounds selfish, because I'm just trying to get their case off so I'd have less things to think about. And maybe it is. I won't lie and say I'm doing this for Dani when I really do think I'm just doing this for myself.

"We're hiding. We're going to get Dani and Garrett in here. Pat and Jared and Ken went out to meet fans, we have time."

"How do you suppose we get Dani in here, huh?"

"Scream." John tells me.

"What?"

"I want you to scream. Like I'm hurting you." John says.

"What? John--"

"Do you want Dani and Garrett in here or not?"

"I do."

"Then Riannon, you better fucking scream." John whispers in my ear, very slowly.

This triggers a memory with John. From that night. No, I won't elaborate.

His words ring around in my head and anger starts boiling up in me again. I have a feeling I'm always going to feel anger (and I'm always going to have to control it) every time that night is brought up in my thoughts. Anyway, I control it and ask "Like we're fighting? As in, are you going to fight back or--"

"Duh, we gotta make this look real." John says.

"What are we supposed to be fighting about?"

"What, you really want something to fight about? We can just yell at each other and when Dani comes here, Garrett's bound to follow her. Then we run out of here and lock them in. That's the plan, Iann, I thought you were smart enough to get it."

The plan makes sense. But I'm a terrible actress. I'm good at improvising, making the most out of my situation. But I have no idea how to act like I'm mad at John. I'm afraid that if I start yelling at him, things'll just spill out and he'll get real anger out of me.

I don't want that.

So I still ask "What are we fighting about--"

He doesn't let me finish. No, he does something I didn't think he'd do at all.

Slap me to shut me up? Cover my mouth with his hand? No, he kissed me. Not at all gently. He just crashed his lips into mine, and I had no choice but to kiss him back.

I feel his hesitation when he pulls away.

He takes a second to compose something to tell me, then he just settles with "Didn't ask permission for that, are you mad now?"

I slap him because I know he's anticipating it. I didn't mind the kiss at all, and frankly I don't have time to think about it.

"You can start yelling at me." John interrupts when I do try to think. "If you're as great an a actress as you are a kisser, then I don't see any problem here."

"You just called me a great kisser."

"I did, and you are." John winks as he pulls me up. "Come on, start screaming. Otherwise I'm going to have to do unforgivable things to you to get you to."

As if you haven't already. You got me wasted, took my virginity, knocked me up.. Yeah, what other unforgivable things could you do to me? I don't say this.

He reaches out to move my hair out of my face when I slap his hand away. "Don't touch me, John."

That smirk on his face turns into an impressed smile. He tries reaching out to me again but I slap his hand away, harder this time. "Don't fucking touch me."

"What if I wanna--"

"Don't!" I yell. "Don't fucking touch me, John!"

He grabs my forearms and pulls me to himself.

I start beating him with my palms. "Don't touch me, John--"

"You are really good at this," John mutters.

I roll my eyes. This is the only way I can take my anger out on him without him really finding out. Yup, this is a good plan. "Let go of me--" He actually really acts like he's struggling to keep me in his arms. So I yell "John, let go of me!"

"John?"

I turn around and we see Dani at the entrance with Garrett close behind her.

"John, what the fuck are you doing to my sister? Let her go," Dani rushes over and forces John's hands off me. She strikes his cheek.

John grabs my hand before I can think about what Dani just did, how she reacted to seeing John attempting to hurt me. He starts dragging me out. "This is the part where we run." he whispers against my hair.

I nod and pick up on speed. John pushes Garrett into the room, and he doesn't argue because he doesn't know what's going on.

After Garrett's passed into the perimeter, John and I slam the door and sit down in front of it. The door opens from the outside, so if we sit here, they can't get out.

I'm getting frustrated, why is John always one step ahead of me? He can't be a quick-thinker! He's going to figure out about Jay if he keeps this up! Damn it, I have to slow him down. I have to overtake him.

"Wait, what the fuck just happened?" I hear Dani's voice.

"I have no idea." replies Garrett.

I feel the door pushed against us, so John and I sit closer to each other and tighten up so that they can't push the door open.

"Oh, hey, that's cool. We're trapped." Dani says.

"What?" Garrett responds. Then we feel the door being tried again.

"Okay, this is great." Dani sarcastically cheers. "Trapped in here with an asshole. God, of everyone else I could have gotten stuck in here with, it had to be you."

"They did it on purpose, Dani, are you stupid?"

"You're the one who followed me in here, Garrett. If you stayed outside, they wouldn't have been able to lock us in here."

"Well, we're trapped. What do you wanna do?"

"Wait till they open the door."

"Say they won't."

"We can't be trapped in here all night, the other guys's set is about to finish." Dani points out. "Bus call is in a couple of hours--"

"You know that John usually sticks to his plans, right?" Garrett suggests. "Oh, right. You don't. Because you can't talk to John."

"Shut up," Dani says. "If you're just going to insult me about how I'm a bad photographer, then you better not talk to me at all--"

"I'm sorry--"

"You didn't mean to say it?" I can imagine Dani raising her eyebrows. "Well, Garrett, I bet you didn't mean to call me an arrogant bitch either, but you did it anyway."

"Dani--"

"You don't understand, Garrett? What you were saying hurt me."

"I don't--"

"You don't mean to hurt me? But you'll keep doing it."

"Dani, I--"

"You what, Garrett?"

"I.. I just.."

"You just what?"

Silence.

I didn't know Dani had gotten better at putting up a fight, spitting words that tied someone else's tongue.

"I love you." is what Garrett replies with.

Dani doesn't say anything, but I know she does something else by the way Garrett reacts.

"No, Dani, don't fucking sit down, I'm fucking talking to you."

"No, you're not! You're not talking to me, Garrett, you're spitting out words that don't make sense to you--"

"How hard is I love you. to understand, Dani?!"

"You don't! You don't love me, fuck! You're not even talking to me--"

"I'm trying to, you don't think I'm trying, Dani?! You don't fucking see how much I'm giving up just to try to get you to listen to me-- Fuck!"

"Then calm the fuck down because if you pass out I won't know how to fucking help you!" Dani screams.

"How do you.."

"Pat," Dani quiets down. "Pat told me.."

"He what?"

Wait, what are they talking about?

"He said I had to know." Dani sighs.

"Look--"

"Garrett.. Please.. Just, I don't.. I can't.. Just.. Can we please stop yelling at each other,"

"I don't like it when you yell at me, and I don't like yelling at you, okay? It's just that when you start yelling, it's like you want me to yell back so I do."

"I don't.. I don't like it when you yell back. I hate it. I just.. I.. Look, can I be honest here?"

"You should be,"

"It's just a lot of times, I get so frustrated. Okay, I like talking to you. I missed talking to you, I missed you. I like being with you, I really do. And.. Just.. A lot of times I don't have anything to say to you and when I do I don't know how to say it so I end up.. Yelling.."

"Do you know that that is exactly how I feel when I'm around you?"

"Now I do."

"I'm serious. God, you're.. Just.. Perfect. And.. Shit. And.. I mean.. I.. I just.. I didn't mean to say those things to you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being an asshole. You're talented. Okay? You're.. You have potential, I'm sorry I.. I'm.. Just.. I just.. I missed you so much and having you around now--"

"Garrett--"

"No. It's.. I'm sorry. I am so sorry. If anything I said hurt you, I'm sorry, and I didn't mean any of it. I honestly think you're a good photographer. I really do. I'm sorry for calling you a bitch, I just.. God, I just.. Got frustrated."

After a couple of seconds, Dani resumes. "You know, Garrett, I think it's funny how we fell for this."

Garrett agrees by saying "I think we're both stupid."

Then they both become very quiet. It's either they've stopped talking or they've just learned to mute their tones.

I feel so emotionally stressed for Dani. I hate feeling a lot of things at the same time.

Because I get really confused. Which is anger, which is concern? I have no idea.

And mixing with my feelings are Dani's. Her energy just reaches me when it's like this, I feel what she feels. And I haven't felt this in three years because of her college. And now, it's like I'm not used to it anymore. It's like when you don't warm up before doing some strenuous physical activities.

Also, I hate this feeling, because I know I don't deserve to feel this way. And I shouldn't, but I do.

Now that my mind is blank, I get time to entertain the thought I couldn't really let in because of how quick John's plan was played out.

When Dani thought John was legitimately hurting me. She forced John off and even slapped him. What the fuck was that about? Dani shouldn't care, Dani doesn't, what the fuck was that about?

She doesn't care. She doesn't. That was impulse. She just did it because she felt obliged to, not because she cared.

I wish she cared, but I know she doesn't.

Pangs of knowing she doesn't care hurts me. Whatever. The only person that's ever actually cared about me is my dad. Why am I not used to it? I should be.

John's plan was perfect, however. We did get Dani and Garrett together in the dressing room, and we know they've got no way out. They're talking now. And being honest while they're at it. Making a mental note to praise John for this later.

"Hey, you okay?"

I turn my head to John's voice which was in a whisper. My thoughts are interrupted. "Huh?"

"You're.. Uh," He reaches over to me cautiously because I might slap his hand away again. He wipes up a tear that's rolled down my cheek. "You're crying. I'm sorry."

"What?" I touch my eyes, see they're wet, but I still deny it. "I'm not crying. It's.. The allergies."

"Allergies?" He chuckles as he puts his arm around me awkwardly in an attempt of comfort. "It'll be alright, we're fixing this shit."

"I know." I press my forehead against his shoulder. "I know, but.. Just.. Dani.."

He nods into my hair. "It's okay. They're settling this right now, don't you think it's cool my plan worked?"

"It's pretty cool," I mumble. I don't know why my emotional quotient is low all of a sudden.

"They're going to be fine after this. I bet."

"You'd win that bet," I tell John, then I bury my face in his shoulder some more.

"It'll be alright," he tells me again. Then he kisses the top of my head. "By the time they get out of that room, they'll be fine, and we won't have anything to worry about anymore except Kennedy,"

"And that video with Pat," I mumble, shutting my eyes. "Or do we not have to worry about it anymore?"

"I don't think we have to.. Pat's just going to edit it out and delete it. It's no big deal."

"That's exactly what I thought,"

"Well, great minds think alike--"

Is he always going to cut himself off when he talks to me? I think I find it annoying, because I like it when he talks because he makes sense.

When I turn my head, I see Kennedy at the entrance of the entire area.

I feel the urge to move away from John, so I do. I stand up. "Hey, Kennedy."

"Iann." Kennedy greets. "What'cha doin'?" he asks John and me. His face breaks into a frown. "Are you crying?"

"It's the allergies," John mocks quietly.

I shoot at him with a look. "I'm fine," I turn to Kennedy again.

Kennedy forces on a smile. "You know, if you need to talk," He reminds me. "So anyway, what are you and John up to?"

"Well," John gets on his feet, not worrying about Garrett and Dani trying to get out of there anymore. "We've been getting down,"

Kennedy raises his eyebrows. "Can you get any more specific?"

"We were doing stuff." John nonchalantly says. "We might tell you about it later--"

We here a thump from the dressing room which cuts John off.

"Dani in there?" Kennedy wonders.

"Yeah,"

"With Garrett?"

"Yup."

"And they're not yelling at each other?"

"No,"

"How'd you do it?" Kennedy asks John, stunned.

John glances at me, and he starts walking out. He says to Kennedy, "Well, wouldn't have been able to do it if Iann wasn't as great an actress as she is a kisser." Then he winks at me and says "I'm going back to the bus."